Moms and Maids

Monster in Law.

TheaRaeTheaRae member
First Comment
edited December 2013 in Moms and Maids
My FI have been together for two years and became recently engaged. Our relationship is wonderful, and very healthy we openly communicate about all things, except one... his mother. When we first got together she was wonderful and very supportive however about six months into the relationship she became very overbearing and passive agressive, (ex. asking me if my FI would be avaible to do something on a certain day and me saying no knowing that we already had plans and her telling me that it was fine to my face, and then calling my FI crying and guilting him, resulting in tension when it is brought up for discussion.) She has given me the green light to host holidays at my place (which is a big deal because I love to host and it helps me to get to know the family and show my good woman skills) approxmatley a week before all these events she would tell my FI to tell me (she always relays important messages through him) that she would be more confortable hosting them at her house and when she is no longer physically able to construct gatherings that I can host one. Not only does she beat around the bush and relay messages to me through someone else, she calls my FI a minium of 3 times a day, when he does not answer she leaves rude messages, saying it is morally wrong to ignore your mother, and she will just dissapear then ect... It has almost been six months since I have seen my MIL because she cancles anytime there is an event planned that I will be attending, but get this... she manages to take her son out to lunch every week. I do not know where to even begin to address this issue eveything that I mentioned above is just a brush on what her behaivor has been like, we are due to wed next December and I feel like the FI who is constantly upset by her MIL... I just cannot even imagine dealing with her like this for the rest of my life, I am a very direct, honest person and I cannot even be myself to her... I would never keep silent about my feelings to anyone except that woman... I really need direction please help.

Re: Monster in Law.

  • TheaRae said:
    My FI have been together for two years and became recently engaged. Our relationship is wonderful, and very healthy we openly communicate about all things, except one... his mother. When we first got together she was wonderful and very supportive however about six months into the relationship she became very overbearing and passive agressive, (ex. asking me if my FI would be avaible to do something on a certain day and me saying no knowing that we already had plans and her telling me that it was fine to my face, and then calling my FI crying and guilting him, resulting in tension when it is brought up for discussion.) She has given me the green light to host holidays at my place (which is a big deal because I love to host and it helps me to get to know the family and show my good woman skills) approxmatley a week before all these events she would tell my FI to tell me (she always relays important messages through him) that she would be more confortable hosting them at her house and when she is no longer physically able to construct gatherings that I can host one. Not only does she beat around the bush and relay messages to me through someone else, she calls my FI a minium of 3 times a day, when he does not answer she leaves rude messages, saying it is morally wrong to ignore your mother, and she will just dissapear then ect... It has almost been six months since I have seen my MIL because she cancles anytime there is an event planned that I will be attending, but get this... she manages to take her son out to lunch every week. I do not know where to even begin to address this issue eveything that I mentioned above is just a brush on what her behaivor has been like, we are due to wed next December and I feel like the FI who is constantly upset by her MIL... I just cannot even imagine dealing with her like this for the rest of my life, I am a very direct, honest person and I cannot even be myself to her... I would never keep silent about my feelings to anyone except that woman... I really need direction please helo.

    To the first bolded, I'm not even a feminist, but the bolded made me cringe.

    Anyway, you don't have a FMIL problem, you have a FI problem.

    What is your FI saying to her during their weekly lunches when she does this stuff? Does he think she's being overbearing? Why doesn't he put his foot down? Did he go over to her house for the holidays after you had made preparations to host? What is their relationship normally like?

    image
    Teddy917chibiyuidoeydo
  • TheaRaeTheaRae member
    First Comment
    edited December 2013
    So my FI has said numerous things to her, but is coming to see that he needs to be more direct it seems sometimes like he is afraid of hurting her feelings? For all the holidays he did not go to her events and we held the occasion at our home with just us instead. They have a really great realtionship besides the fact that she acts like a crazy ex girlfirend. I don't really ask about what they talk about during their lunches (I assume it is mostly about her life and delimmas, she likes to be a marder.) My FI is very aware of my feelings and fears towards my MIL however he seems very slow to say something.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    TheaRae said:
    So my FI has said numerous things to her, but is coming to see that he needs to be more direct it seems sometimes like he is afraid of hurting her feelings? For all the holidays he did not go to her events and we held the occasion at our home with just us instead. They have a really great realtionship besides the fact that she acts like a crazy ex girlfirend. I don't really ask about what they talk about during their lunches (I assume it is mostly about her life and delimmas, she likes to be a marder.) My FI is very aware of my feelings and fears towards my MIL however he seems very slow to say something.

    Your FI needs to keep being on your side.  He has spoken to FMIL about her actions, now he needs to show her consequences to her actions.  It was good that you stayed home and had your own holidays because of her changing plans.  Perhaps together, you and FI can get some counseling on how to deal with FMIL. 

    I also don't see anything wrong with FMIL going through your FI with news/updates to plans.  We usually tell brides that she deals with her family and FI's deal with their own.  It is better that FMIL hears from her own son how terrible it is for her to switch the holiday hosting last minute.

    TheaRaedoeydo
  • Counseling is a really great idea, and I think that it could really help both of us in this situation. Also her relaying messages through her son are not always as simple as letting me know about the holiday being changed, she will say somthing rude to me and know that I have been offended and rather than apologizing she will tell her son to tell me that she was sorry for hurting my feelings... I mean that is so incensitive, she can never take personal accountablitly for her actions?
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Fi could use part of those weekly lunches with him mom to tell her how wonderful you are, that you are excited about joining the family etc... If your Fi can't handle the situation, then the two of you should go for relationship counseling with a therapist or minister.



                       
    TheaRaechibiyui
  • Fran1985 Fran1985 Narnia member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    TheaRae said:
    My FI have been together for two years and became recently engaged. Our relationship is wonderful, and very healthy we openly communicate about all things, except one... his mother. When we first got together she was wonderful and very supportive however about six months into the relationship she became very overbearing and passive agressive, (ex. asking me if my FI would be avaible to do something on a certain day and me saying no knowing that we already had plans and her telling me that it was fine to my face, and then calling my FI crying and guilting him, resulting in tension when it is brought up for discussion.) She has given me the green light to host holidays at my place (which is a big deal because I love to host and it helps me to get to know the family and show my good woman skills) approxmatley a week before all these events she would tell my FI to tell me (she always relays important messages through him) that she would be more confortable hosting them at her house and when she is no longer physically able to construct gatherings that I can host one. Not only does she beat around the bush and relay messages to me through someone else, she calls my FI a minium of 3 times a day, when he does not answer she leaves rude messages, saying it is morally wrong to ignore your mother, and she will just dissapear then ect... It has almost been six months since I have seen my MIL because she cancles anytime there is an event planned that I will be attending, but get this... she manages to take her son out to lunch every week. I do not know where to even begin to address this issue eveything that I mentioned above is just a brush on what her behaivor has been like, we are due to wed next December and I feel like the FI who is constantly upset by her MIL... I just cannot even imagine dealing with her like this for the rest of my life, I am a very direct, honest person and I cannot even be myself to her... I would never keep silent about my feelings to anyone except that woman... I really need direction please helo.

    To the first bolded, I'm not even a feminist, but the bolded made me cringe.

    Anyway, you don't have a FMIL problem, you have a FI problem.

    What is your FI saying to her during their weekly lunches when she does this stuff? Does he think she's being overbearing? Why doesn't he put his foot down? Did he go over to her house for the holidays after you had made preparations to host? What is their relationship normally like?

    To the bolded- the only good woman skills I can think of are in the bedroom I feel like you wouldn't be showing those off to family though.

    @PDKH - why aren't you a feminist? No snark intended, I honestly assumed all women are (outside of some religions) so I was just curious why you don't consider yourself one.

     


    image
    doeydo
  • TheaRae said:
    My FI have been together for two years and became recently engaged. Our relationship is wonderful, and very healthy we openly communicate about all things, except one... his mother. When we first got together she was wonderful and very supportive however about six months into the relationship she became very overbearing and passive agressive, (ex. asking me if my FI would be avaible to do something on a certain day and me saying no knowing that we already had plans and her telling me that it was fine to my face, and then calling my FI crying and guilting him, resulting in tension when it is brought up for discussion.) She has given me the green light to host holidays at my place (which is a big deal because I love to host and it helps me to get to know the family and show my good woman skills) approxmatley a week before all these events she would tell my FI to tell me (she always relays important messages through him) that she would be more confortable hosting them at her house and when she is no longer physically able to construct gatherings that I can host one. Not only does she beat around the bush and relay messages to me through someone else, she calls my FI a minium of 3 times a day, when he does not answer she leaves rude messages, saying it is morally wrong to ignore your mother, and she will just dissapear then ect... It has almost been six months since I have seen my MIL because she cancles anytime there is an event planned that I will be attending, but get this... she manages to take her son out to lunch every week. I do not know where to even begin to address this issue eveything that I mentioned above is just a brush on what her behaivor has been like, we are due to wed next December and I feel like the FI who is constantly upset by her MIL... I just cannot even imagine dealing with her like this for the rest of my life, I am a very direct, honest person and I cannot even be myself to her... I would never keep silent about my feelings to anyone except that woman... I really need direction please helo.

    To the first bolded, I'm not even a feminist, but the bolded made me cringe.

    Anyway, you don't have a FMIL problem, you have a FI problem.

    What is your FI saying to her during their weekly lunches when she does this stuff? Does he think she's being overbearing? Why doesn't he put his foot down? Did he go over to her house for the holidays after you had made preparations to host? What is their relationship normally like?

    To the bolded- the only good woman skills I can think of are in the bedroom I feel like you wouldn't be showing those off to family though.

    @PDKH - why aren't you a feminist? No snark intended, I honestly assumed all women are (outside of some religions) so I was just curious why you don't consider yourself one.

     

    @Fran1985 - Sorry, that was an off-hand comment. It depends on which social/academic/historical definition of feminism we're using here.

    If we mean women have equal worth as men and therefore deserve equal opportunities in all arenas, yes, I fit that feminist definition.

    If we mean tipping into misandry, telling SAHMs that they are somehow damaging the women's movement, and screaming about equal pay without bothering to educate yourself on compensation practices and therefore advocate punitive pay policies, no, I do fit into that feminist definition.  

    Lol I'm currently a product of grad school environment though so my second definition is currently what I'm used to feminism being defined as. I've been told a number of times that I participate in the "War on Women" in class because I've said things like, "I think woman in ground combat roles is fantastic as long as they can meet the standards" or have asked why more universities don't offer general "gender studies" or "men's studies" courses alongside women's studies courses.

    image
    HisGirlFriday13[Deleted User]kmmssg
  • Fran1985 Fran1985 Narnia member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    PDKH said:
    TheaRae said:
    My FI have been together for two years and became recently engaged. Our relationship is wonderful, and very healthy we openly communicate about all things, except one... his mother. When we first got together she was wonderful and very supportive however about six months into the relationship she became very overbearing and passive agressive, (ex. asking me if my FI would be avaible to do something on a certain day and me saying no knowing that we already had plans and her telling me that it was fine to my face, and then calling my FI crying and guilting him, resulting in tension when it is brought up for discussion.) She has given me the green light to host holidays at my place (which is a big deal because I love to host and it helps me to get to know the family and show my good woman skills) approxmatley a week before all these events she would tell my FI to tell me (she always relays important messages through him) that she would be more confortable hosting them at her house and when she is no longer physically able to construct gatherings that I can host one. Not only does she beat around the bush and relay messages to me through someone else, she calls my FI a minium of 3 times a day, when he does not answer she leaves rude messages, saying it is morally wrong to ignore your mother, and she will just dissapear then ect... It has almost been six months since I have seen my MIL because she cancles anytime there is an event planned that I will be attending, but get this... she manages to take her son out to lunch every week. I do not know where to even begin to address this issue eveything that I mentioned above is just a brush on what her behaivor has been like, we are due to wed next December and I feel like the FI who is constantly upset by her MIL... I just cannot even imagine dealing with her like this for the rest of my life, I am a very direct, honest person and I cannot even be myself to her... I would never keep silent about my feelings to anyone except that woman... I really need direction please helo.

    To the first bolded, I'm not even a feminist, but the bolded made me cringe.

    Anyway, you don't have a FMIL problem, you have a FI problem.

    What is your FI saying to her during their weekly lunches when she does this stuff? Does he think she's being overbearing? Why doesn't he put his foot down? Did he go over to her house for the holidays after you had made preparations to host? What is their relationship normally like?

    To the bolded- the only good woman skills I can think of are in the bedroom I feel like you wouldn't be showing those off to family though.

    @PDKH - why aren't you a feminist? No snark intended, I honestly assumed all women are (outside of some religions) so I was just curious why you don't consider yourself one.

     

    @Fran1985 - Sorry, that was an off-hand comment. It depends on which social/academic/historical definition of feminism we're using here.

    If we mean women have equal worth as men and therefore deserve equal opportunities in all arenas, yes, I fit that feminist definition.

    If we mean tipping into misandry, telling SAHMs that they are somehow damaging the women's movement, and screaming about equal pay without bothering to educate yourself on compensation practices and therefore advocate punitive pay policies, no, I do fit into that feminist definition.  

    Lol I'm currently a product of grad school environment though so my second definition is currently what I'm used to feminism being defined as. I've been told a number of times that I participate in the "War on Women" in class because I've said things like, "I think woman in ground combat roles is fantastic as long as they can meet the standards" or have asked why more universities don't offer general "gender studies" or "men's studies" courses alongside women's studies courses.

    Gotcha- I am right there with you then

    image
  • TheaRae said:
    So my FI has said numerous things to her, but is coming to see that he needs to be more direct it seems sometimes like he is afraid of hurting her feelings? For all the holidays he did not go to her events and we held the occasion at our home with just us instead. They have a really great realtionship besides the fact that she acts like a crazy ex girlfirend. I don't really ask about what they talk about during their lunches (I assume it is mostly about her life and delimmas, she likes to be a marder.) My FI is very aware of my feelings and fears towards my MIL however he seems very slow to say something.

    Sounds like he cares more about hurting his mother's feelings than he does about hurting yours. That's the future you're signing up for -- always coming in second to his mom.
    [Deleted User]
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards