VERY small wedding...But dress shopping ok?

JennyColada · January 2014

My fiancé and I are planning a VERY small wedding (10 people, literally just me, him, siblings, and parents). I do want to buy a dress, but do not want to go shopping by myself (and my mother is a bit too far away to come check out a few stores with me). Would it be acceptable to invite some of my close girl friends (these would be potential bridesmaids if I were to have a larger wedding) to come shopping with me? We could probably get some lunch altogether as well, but it will be a very informal thing.

Since I am inviting NO friends to the wedding, would this still be a faux pas, or would this be acceptable? I'm also planning on going dress shopping on a weekday (I work on weekends), so most of my friends probably won't be able to go (but I thought it'd be a nice way to me to at least extend an invite to be a part of it).

Thoughts? Totally unacceptable? Acceptable if...? Definitely ok?

AprilH81 · January 2014

At best (and this is iffy) your plan is questionable. Since they are not invited to the wedding they shouldn't be invited to anything wedding related.

Could one of your siblings go with you?

JennyColada · January 2014

I do not have any siblings (only child). I've only met my fiance's sister twice (and she lives even farther than my own mother) so I don't feel comfortable inviting her. I'm sure that his mother would be super flattered, but we are not close at all (and she's about the same distance as my own mother).

Really if it's up to people in the wedding it's either me alone or me and my fiancé.

phira · January 2014

I went with my fiance. We both had a blast.

AddieCake · January 2014

I see no problem with it at all. It's not a pre-wedding party. It's dress shopping, and you're not having bridesmaids. You shouldn't have to go alone just because of that.

NavyBlue143 · January 2014

My feelings wouldn't be hurt, but that's just me. I would understand that your wedding is family only, and be excited to help you find your dress. You know your friends better than we do.

JennyColada · January 2014

phira said:

I went with my fiance. We both had a blast.

I imagine that it would be fun (and I think I'll be a sobbing mess, because I'm SUPER emotional like that, so it would be great to have him there to support me emotionally).

But I love the idea of having the first time he sees the dress is on me on THE day. Plus I've always imagined dress shopping with other women.

Perhaps, though, that's just a fantasy that I have to give up with a small wedding, but partly I wish I could share the special day in some way with my close friends without having to share such an intimate moment directly with them. Hrm.

JennyColada · January 2014

NavyBlue143 said:

My feelings wouldn't be hurt, but that's just me. I would understand that your wedding is family only, and be excited to help you find your dress. You know your friends better than we do.

This is how I'm thinking most of my friends would see it as well. But I wanted to get some community input on it I'm just going to come across as a total jerk for doing this. I figured this community has a lot more experience wedding dress shopping (either as a bride or a guest) than I do, haha, so thought they might have some good input.

But I'm happy to know that I'm not the ONLY one to not think this is a horrible idea.

16maybeless · January 2014

I shopped with a friend for her elopement dress (it was just her and her husband), and I didn't mind one bit. I think it's fine if absolutely no friends are invited to the wedding. I think it's iffy when you've invited some friends or acquaintances to the wedding, but you take along someone who is not. That's when it feels like "Oh, I'm good enough to be your shopping friend/errand elf but not a wedding guest." However, I think you're in the clear.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

Personally I would not mind being asked to go dress shopping in this situation. Your wedding is tiny and there are zero friends invited, so I would understand.

ktjanesmom · January 2014

I think its perfectly fine and if these girls are true friends they understand your wedding plan and would be happy to go with you.

clarke10 · January 2014

Since its clear you're having a VERY intimate, family-only wedding, I don't think they would be offended.

jessicabessica · January 2014

I would not invite friends to go dress shopping when you are not inviting them to the wedding. It's not so much a pre-wedding party, IMO, as it is discussing and planning for an event with people when they are not invited to the event.

monkeysip · January 2014

If I knew my girlfriend was having a VERY small wedding, I wouldn't mind at all. I wouldn't be hurt.

It'd be different if you were inviting 50 people, and she wasn't one of them (THAT would hurt).

jenniferurs · January 2014

If not one single friend is invited, then I don't think it's a problem and I wouldn't personally be offended.

bethsmiles · January 2014

I would love to go shopping for a wedding dress with a friend if she was having a ceremony with only family. It'd be great to still be a part of the wedding experience.

Liatris2010 · January 2014

If I were you, I would feel funny inviting people, but if you invited me, I wouldn't be upset in the least about. You know your friends, they know your situation, and you are in the best position to guess what everyone will be comfortable with.

kittypolishnbags · January 2014

I personally wouldn't. I have 2 close girlfriends that will be invited to my small wedding (invitations not our yet), but I didn't feel comfortable taking them with me to pick a dress. Secondary reason is that they're less likely to help me arrive at a definite decision than who I did end up going with. I asked my fiance if he cared to come with me because I am very indecisive and he will tell me straight up what looks best on me. He said sure. We went randomly yesterday and happen to be with his mom that day and I didn't mind having her coming with us being that he's there. It was fast, honest and so easy. I loved it. Glad we did it yesterday as the dress will be coming in really close to the planned wedding date (early April). So if I were in your shoes, I'd feel weird asking them to come with me but not having them there. I'd probably shop alone but if I was asked to go dress shopping with a friend but I'm not invited to the ceremony, I wouldn't mind.

phira · January 2014

It honestly also depends on the friend. I have some friends who I think would "want to be involved in whatever way they could" if I were having such a tiny family-only wedding. I have other friends who wouldn't complain but who would be very offended.

In terms of having your fiance come with you (versus not seeing you in ANY wedding dresses until the ceremony begins), I am not in any way suggesting that you have to give that up because you are deciding to have such a small wedding. However, it's worth considering that very few people end up with Their Fantasy Wedding because life doesn't work out that way. The best way to handle your expectations is to prioritize a few things about the wedding, and let everything else be a little less essential.

For example, it's very important for us that we get specific formal photos, that everyone gets to enjoy the cocktail hour, that everything runs on time, and that we have 10-15 minutes together immediately after the ceremony. It became very, very clear that to have all of those things happen, we needed photos taken during more than just cocktail hour (which is really only about 45 minutes, leaving only 30 minutes for photos). We decided that we'd rather do a first look and take advantage of the time before the ceremony to get lots of photos, and then we'd have a super relaxing cocktail hour.

As for dress shopping, my choices were to either go alone, go with my fiance, or go with a friend of mine (who would be invited to the wedding) who had been very vocally unsupportive of the kind of dress I wanted to wear. I knew I didn't want to go alone, and my fiance and I have been very TEAM US about every other wedding detail (including his suit), so we decided to go together.

lc07 · January 2014

If it were a friend and it was just going to be her and her husband at the wedding it wouldn't bug me. Since others are invited, even just immediate family, it would bug me that you invited me to dress shop with you but didn't invite me to the wedding. I'd smile and say, "Sure, I'll help you." and genuinely have a good time in all likeliness while shopping but it rubs me the wrong way. It's in no way friendship ending or anything extreme. But it would definitely rub me the wrong way.

FWIW, I went wedding dress shopping and picked out my dress alone.

JennyColada · January 2014

scribe95 said:
I think it would be okay but not the best situation. How far away is your mom? Can't you make it a weekend visit?

I work on weekends and my mother has a typical Mon-Fri schedule. So it would involve vacation time for both of us. I do not feel comfortable doing that considering that I may not even end up purchasing a dress that day. (Also, the wedding will likely be on a weekday, also requiring vacation time for all).

Mainly, I'm just closer to my friends than my mother. The only real reason I want to involve my mom is due to tradition. It would be nice and all, but neither of us would really care one way or the other. Partly I imagine that (due to travel and scheduling costs) she might even ask if she can politely decline ("if you really want me there I'll go, but otherwise can you bring someone else?").

I dunno. I guess I'm still torn. I think I'll go for the first round of try ons with the Fi, and then maybe my next round (to finalize on choices) with friends. I know that when I pick up a dress after final fittings I would want my mom there (since she will be helping me dress).

None of my friends seem like they'd be dishonest if I flat out ask them if this would bother them. So I think I'll just do that.

Inkdancer · January 2014

If my best friend were to have a family-only wedding, I would much rather go dress shopping with her than be totally excluded from all wedding things. That's me, though.

Either way, good luck!

short+sassy · January 2014

I got married out of state from where I live and had a small, intimate wedding (35 people). I didn't have any friends from here invited to the wedding and my sis and mom lived too far away to come dress shopping. I was planning to go by myself, which I wasn't crazy about but was going to live with.

However, two of my coworkers (who I went to lunch with a lot) offered to go with me, if I didn't mind. I was really touched they wanted to be included and we all ended up having a really fun and fabulous day. I also took a lot of pictures of the different dresses I tried on and sent them to my mom for her opinion. Of course, it was not as good as having her there, but it at least allowed me to keep her in some of the process.

Like some of the other PPs said, I would be happy to go dress shopping with a friend even if I wasn't invited to the wedding as long as my lack of invitation was for a good reason (family only, OOT, etc.) and would not side eye it. But it is a bit of a "know your crowd" situation.

fre3doms · January 2014

I'm having a wedding with 10 guests. Went dress shopping twice. First place was with another friend getting married in April, my sister and her one friend she was hanging with.

Second time--where I found the dress--I took my parents and sister.

My friend understood I was having a small wedding.

Do what you think is best for you.

BMoreBride6 · January 2014

you don't have to answer this at all and I'm not snarking or judging it, honestly just curious. If you are closer to your friends than your family, why are you doing a family only wedding?

JennyColada · January 2014

BMoreBride6 said:
you don't have to answer this at all and I'm not snarking or judging it, honestly just curious. If you are closer to your friends than your family, why are you doing a family only wedding?

Well I know 100% I'd want my family (mom and dad) to be there.

But I do not want 100 of people at my wedding, and if I had friends I'd have to invite that many people as to not involuntarily snub anyone.

phira · January 2014

I think it might be beneficial to rethink the size of your wedding.

I know the feeling: "If I invite Mark, then I have to invite Sam, and THEN I have to invite Emily, and THEN I have to invite Trish and Tom, and then Ryan will be upset she's not invited ..." And of course, "If I invite my friends, then Auntie Alice and Uncle Ashley will be upset that I didn't invite them, and if I invite them, then I have to invite my three cousins, and if I invite them, then I have to start inviting everyone on Dad's side, too ..."

What I recommend is coming up with a number that you and your partner feel comfortable with. How about 50 people? 30? See if you can create a guest list of about that many people. I know--there might be people whose feelings would be hurt, but consider it a challenge, just a hypothetical.

If you can create a guest list that doesn't feel too FRAUGHT WITH TENSION, that allows you to invite some of your friends, then go out and book a venue that's only big enough for you to invite that many people. There are plenty of venues, especially in cities, that are too small to accommodate 100 guests. And chances are that if you find a place that can hold more than your new guest list, they'll be too expensive for you to have 100+ guests. I can think of a few venues we really loved that we could have afforded if we'd cut our guest list in half.

Then THAT is your party line if people are hurt. Just, "It was too expensive for us to be able to invite everyone we know and love; we hope you understand."

This is all moot if 1) you really can't figure out a guest list that is less than 100 people and doesn't make you hyperventilate with anxiety, 2) you really WANT to just keep things to immediate family only and are okay with not inviting your friends, or 3) if the people in your circles are prone to violent dramatics and it is a reality that you would cause extensive pain and suffering if you tried to invite some people and not others.

And, ya know, this is the internet so I won't be offended or require a fainting couch if you go ahead with the 10 person wedding!

(I want to point out that there's a difference between the fear of how people might behave and the reality of how they behave. If you have a friend who has a history of explosively cutting people out of their life for stuff like not being invited to a wedding, then yeah, you've got a real concern. But I've found that a LOT of people are really understanding when it comes to weddings, at least in the younger generation.)

JennyColada · January 2014

I don't think that any of my friends will be insulted that they aren't invited (mainly because I'm not inviting any). I just honestly do not feel comfortable with my platonic friends seeing me at such an intimate moment (and I have no problem telling them the truth!). I only want close family in attendance (because it IS a special day that I want to share with my parents). My boyfriend and I are very private in our affections and romantic emotions.

I mean, I really don't think they'll get insulted by being invited to go shopping with me either. But it's always nice to get second opinions in case I'm just being totally biased in my opinion.

Fairyjen1 · January 2014

I understand having a wedding with immediate family only and I wouldn't be offended if you asked me to go dress shopping with you for a second opinion even if I wasn't invited to your wedding. Etiquette might dictate I SHOULD be offended, but I wouldn't be personally and wouldn't think anything of it, except I like to go shopping and I'll use any excuse.

Maybe it's a 'know your audience' sort of thing. I have a sister and a niece I could take, but if I were in your circumstance I know one or two friends I absolutely KNOW would not be offended if I asked them to come shopping with me to get an opinion on a dress, but weren't invited to my immediate family only wedding. I would just ask one of them, acknowledge I was being rude and take my place in hell that's reserved for people who ask other people to go dress shopping without inviting them to the wedding. At least we'll all be well dressed there

I wouldn't ask anyone who I wasn't sure about not being offended, though.

I'd probably also buy them lunch because I like buying people lunch and they did take some time to offer their opinion

JennyColada · January 2014

Fairyjen1 said:
I'd probably also buy them lunch because I like buying people lunch and they did take some time to offer their opinion

You read my mind. A little wine and some food is the best of apologies with my friends!

sofakingmad · January 2014

phira said:

I think it might be beneficial to rethink the size of your wedding.

Oh.

VERY small wedding...But dress shopping ok?

Re: VERY small wedding...But dress shopping ok?

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