I'm probably going to get flamed here for wanting any say in a party that I should have no say in but I really need to vent and if anyone can offer me practical advice for dealing with this without pissing people off I'd love to hear it.
Background: FI and I live in Baltimore, I grew up in New York, he grew up in Boston. Our families still live in those places, for the most part. Our wedding is in New York. My parents threw us a small, very casual engagement party and invited FIs parents and Aunts and Uncles. Some of them came, other's didn't. It was fun and the family got to mingle. My 2 MOHs plan on throwing a bridal shower sometime over the summer, but no plans have been made yet because it is so far away. When asked about a guest list (I haven't been asked yet) I had planned on telling them to invite just people I'm super close to, which would include FIs Mom, Sister and 1-2 aunts.
Current Issue: FIs mom wants to throw me a bridal shower. I have not been consulted about whether or not I want one, when I might be free or who I might like to be invited. She thinks that bridal showers need to be a complete surprise so everything that I know has come from other people. She told my FI she is thinking of doing it but refuses to tell him any details - he tried to discourage her from planning one because he knew I just wanted 1 very small shower. She didn't have any of it. She's throwing one, and informed him that, "A lady would't have anything to say about something nice that someone else would do for her." She also doesn't want to talk to him about it because he is male.
He mentioned this to me and I figured that I didn't really want a shower, but rather than going through him or getting into a fight over it, I'd give my MOH his mom's email address and ask her to coordinate. My MOH told me that FIs mom plans on having the shower at a big family get together up in boston on July 4 weekend.
I have a few issues with this. 1: I didn't plan on going to said family get together because I have limited days off work and have 5 weddings to go to over the next 6 months, then my own to budget for in the fall. 2: If we have the shower that weekend there will be people invited because they are there (like my FIs cousins girlfriends) who I would never have invited to a shower because I don't feel like they need to be giving me gifts.
I know this makes me sound very spoiled and ungrateful, but is there any way I can convince her not to do this without hurting our relationship? Or do I just have suck it up and deal with it even if it means me having to go to an event I didn't plan on going to and thus having to miss one of the weddings in FIs family.