Small ceremony then big reception - 2 questions

ChemFanatic25 · January 2014

lyndausvi said:

Jennycolada said:

I kind of get that. People definitely travel for weddings. But would I go out of state, take off work etc for a bbq? Probably not.
Same here. I'd send my regards but having something informal makes it, well, less formal.

Most importantly her FI WANTS his family there to witness the ceremony.

It's also speculation if they would come or not. As a host I wouldn't dream of asking my future-in-laws to fly more than halfway up to another hemisphere to attend a casual backyard BBQ for a wedding I wouldn't let them attend. Since I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing my guests never had the chance to decline or not.

There is also middle ground from a backyard BBQ and a big, huge expensive wedding.

Just to clarify, I didn't realize that OP's FI's family would have to fly in from other places. I do not remember reading that in her original post or the posts following. I would not suggest this whatsoever if they had to do that. In my personal opinion, and obviously take this with a grain of salt because OP you are not me, I would just host the larger ceremony and have everyone watch you get married, the 30 people your fiance and you want there, and then have the reception. You will still be the center of attention at the reception and I am going to assume it will be louder and more active then the quiet ceremony.

ChemFanatic25 · January 2014

Actually, OP, does the 30 people you have in mind include FI's family? Sorry, I'm still a little confused by this situation.

Amyzen83 · January 2014

Just to be clear

JellyBean52513 phira lovesclimbing I am not meaning to imply that small children automatically = screaming and crying, but at the same time I realize that this could possibly be a concern for some brides. My FI and I have no problem having small kids at our wedding which is why we are including them to both ceremony and reception, but I also realize that there are others who don't like the idea of having kids at a wedding. I was wondering if OP happened to have a reason why she wouldn't want the little ones there, and if it was for the concern of noise, perhaps offering a sitter during that time could help things.

And true there are many kids who are capable of being perfectly quiet at a wedding, but there is also a strong possibility that a small child could have a bad day or can get pretty fussy. Children under a certain age tend to be more unpredictable that children who are old enough to know how to act appropriately in different situations. And just as there are some people rude enough to answer a cell phone call at an inappropriate time, there are also people (not many) but they do exist who allow their kids to run around or will let them cry without politely excusing themselves and their crying child.

pipeTsquared · January 2014

Amyzen83 said:

Just to be clear
JellyBean52513 phira lovesclimbing I am not meaning to imply that small children automatically = screaming and crying, but at the same time I realize that this could possibly be a concern for some brides. My FI and I have no problem having small kids at our wedding which is why we are including them to both ceremony and reception, but I also realize that there are others who don't like the idea of having kids at a wedding. I was wondering if OP happened to have a reason why she wouldn't want the little ones there, and if it was for the concern of noise, perhaps offering a sitter during that time could help things.

And true there are many kids who are capable of being perfectly quiet at a wedding, but there is also a strong possibility that a small child could have a bad day or can get pretty fussy. Children under a certain age tend to be more unpredictable that children who are old enough to know how to act appropriately in different situations. And just as there are some people rude enough to answer a cell phone call at an inappropriate time, there are also people (not many) but they do exist who allow their kids to run around or will let them cry without politely excusing themselves and their crying child.

I would have no problem with having kids at a wedding (whatever their ages) I like having children at family events and I'm certainly not one who thinks that they are going to cry all the way through. (and our families would have a fit if kids where expected to have a sitter during the wedding - we would never do it)

ChemFanatic25 said:

Actually, OP, does the 30 people you have in mind include FI's family? Sorry, I'm still a little confused by this situation.

If we take the 30 then yes it does - both sets of parents then siblings with families (not even counting very close friends)

Not even counting other family members that FH really wants to fly out for the wedding

pipeTsquared · January 2014

JCBride2014 said:

pipeTsquared said:

Jennycolada said:

But I am a bit appalled by your "they can sit in the car!" Comment,

I didnt say that - someone else did and I think they were joking

ChemFanatic25 said:

Why can't you elope, come home and throw a party (maybe a bbq or picnic) but don't slap the name "reception" on it, don't wear your wedding dress and just treat it like a family get together? Less awkward and not all the attention will be focused on you, which will most definitely happen at a wedding reception (not just the ceremony) and at the party if anyone asks "How is your life?" you can respond with "Great! Mr. Husband and I just got married! How are your kids/wife/husband/etc?"

This way it will be less awkward for you and less uncomfortable and you would not be breaking ettiquite. If anyone asks why you didn't have a big ceremony, you can say your FH and you really preferred the quiet and more close atmosphere of a small ceremony.

FH is from SA and so has no family over here, so we cant just throw a party as his family couldnt just come for a party, it would need to be way more wedding-y
(he also wants to see his parents and siblings see him get married as well)

This is just sad to me. Your poor FH. His family will not travel to a casual celebration of marriage, only to a formal wedding? Really if he said to them, we are having a private ceremony and then a celebration of our marriage at home, they wouldn't come? But they would come for a big poofy reception? Ouch.

It's a lot of family and no they would want to but the flights are expensive (a good chunk of the budget is going on helping out with flights to get people out here) If we and them have to do it, then it has to be a 'thing'

lyndausvi · January 2014

If we take the 30 then yes it does - both sets of parents then siblings with families (not even counting very close friends)

Not even counting other family members that FH really wants to fly out for the wedding

Sometime we have to realize we can't always get what we want. It sucks, but it's just life. I understand not wanting to be the center of attention, but you will still be the center of attention at the reception. It's silly to think otherwise.

You want a private ceremony, a bigger reception, your immediate families = a larger amount of people and you have people traveling from overseas. Those things just don't mesh together very It's like putting a square peg in a circle hole. It just doesn't work. You are going to have to compromise here.

If not being the center attention is more important to you just elope or just invite your parents, siblings and their families to the wedding. You can have a very nice small wedding with just family and call it a day.

If having your family and friends, especially ones coming from overseas is more important to you then just suck it up and have a larger wedding with everyone coming to both the ceremony and reception.

I personally think it's unfair to ask people to travel halfway across the world and not even let them see the ceremony. My opinion, take it for what it's worth, but I have travelled overseas for a wedding and know my feelings on the subject.

Good luck.

ChemFanatic25 · January 2014

lyndausvi said:

If we take the 30 then yes it does - both sets of parents then siblings with families (not even counting very close friends)

Not even counting other family members that FH really wants to fly out for the wedding

Sometime we have to realize we can't always get what we want. It sucks, but it's just life. I understand not wanting to be the center of attention, but you will still be the center of attention at the reception. It's silly to think otherwise.

You want a private ceremony, a bigger reception, your immediate families = a larger amount of people and you have people traveling from overseas. Those things just don't mesh together very It's like putting a square peg in a circle hole. It just doesn't work. You are going to have to compromise here.

If not being the center attention is more important to you just elope or just invite your parents, siblings and their families to the wedding. You can have a very nice small wedding with just family and call it a day.

If having your family and friends, especially ones coming from overseas is more important to you then just suck it up and have a larger wedding with everyone coming to both the ceremony and reception.

I personally think it's unfair to ask people to travel halfway across the world and not even let them see the ceremony. My opinion, take it for what it's worth, but I have travelled overseas for a wedding and know my feelings on the subject.

Good luck.

^^^ I second this tons!!! I couldn't think of the right words but this is it.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

lyndausvi said:

Sometime we have to realize we can't always get what we want. It sucks, but it's just life. I understand not wanting to be the center of attention, but you will still be the center of attention at the reception. It's silly to think otherwise.

You want a private ceremony, a bigger reception, your immediate families = a larger amount of people and you have people traveling from overseas. Those things just don't mesh together very It's like putting a square peg in a circle hole. It just doesn't work. You are going to have to compromise here.

If not being the center attention is more important to you just elope or just invite your parents, siblings and their families to the wedding. You can have a very nice small wedding with just family and call it a day.

If having your family and friends, especially ones coming from overseas is more important to you then just suck it up and have a larger wedding with everyone coming to both the ceremony and reception.

I personally think it's unfair to ask people to travel halfway across the world and not even let them see the ceremony. My opinion, take it for what it's worth, but I have travelled overseas for a wedding and know my feelings on the subject.

Good luck.

I agree with all of this, and it was articulated very well.

If you are that anxious about being the center of attention, then I think eloping is the best option for you personally. However, since you are marrying another person, you have to take your FI's feelings and wished into consideration and compromise.

At the very least, I think that means you should invite all of the family that FI wants present at his wedding ceremony to the actual wedding ceremony, especially if these people are traveling across the globe to attend. If that means your ceremony size is now 30 or 50 people, you have to come to terms with that.

Perhaps you should consider speaking with a counselor who specializes in working with people with anxiety issues that can help you develop ways to deal with anxiety on your wedding day, and possibly even a prescription for Valium or Xanax or something.

Because as PP have said, you are going to be the center of attention the entire day of your wedding, not just during your ceremony. Your guests are going to be "up your ass" for lack of a better term during the reception, and you will be expected to personally visit with each one for a short while and thank them for attending. You will not be able to just blend into the background like you might do at a regular party.

pipeTsquared · January 2014

lyndausvi said:

If we take the 30 then yes it does - both sets of parents then siblings with families (not even counting very close friends)

Not even counting other family members that FH really wants to fly out for the wedding

Sometime we have to realize we can't always get what we want. It sucks, but it's just life. I understand not wanting to be the center of attention, but you will still be the center of attention at the reception. It's silly to think otherwise.

You want a private ceremony, a bigger reception, your immediate families = a larger amount of people and you have people traveling from overseas. Those things just don't mesh together very It's like putting a square peg in a circle hole. It just doesn't work. You are going to have to compromise here.

If not being the center attention is more important to you just elope or just invite your parents, siblings and their families to the wedding. You can have a very nice small wedding with just family and call it a day.

If having your family and friends, especially ones coming from overseas is more important to you then just suck it up and have a larger wedding with everyone coming to both the ceremony and reception.

I personally think it's unfair to ask people to travel halfway across the world and not even let them see the ceremony. My opinion, take it for what it's worth, but I have travelled overseas for a wedding and know my feelings on the subject.

Good luck.

Thanks

@lyndausvi

PrettyGirlLost said:

I agree with all of this, and it was articulated very well.

If you are that anxious about being the center of attention, then I think eloping is the best option for you personally. However, since you are marrying another person, you have to take your FI's feelings and wished into consideration and compromise.

At the very least, I think that means you should invite all of the family that FI wants present at his wedding ceremony to the actual wedding ceremony, especially if these people are traveling across the globe to attend. If that means your ceremony size is now 30 or 50 people, you have to come to terms with that.

Perhaps you should consider speaking with a counselor who specializes in working with people with anxiety issues that can help you develop ways to deal with anxiety on your wedding day, and possibly even a prescription for Valium or Xanax or something.

Because as PP have said, you are going to be the center of attention the entire day of your wedding, not just during your ceremony. Your guests are going to be "up your ass" for lack of a better term during the reception, and you will be expected to personally visit with each one for a short while and thank them for attending. You will not be able to just blend into the background like you might do at a regular party.

@PrettyGirlLost

Eloping would suit me but not FH and this time what he wants matters a bit more than my issues

I would never take pills for it, not my thing, also wouldnt help. It isn't Anxiety - or rather it is but because of something else. I have a very very severe stammer (I've been seeing Speech Therapists for years and have 'techniques') but the idea of having to speak however little in front of all those people, I'm terrified of getting 'stuck' or having a block in front of all those people. And I know they love me and I know that FH doesnt give two hoots but it is that that terrifies me.

Thanks to you all for all your help

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

pipeTsquared said:

lyndausvi said:

If we take the 30 then yes it does - both sets of parents then siblings with families (not even counting very close friends)

Not even counting other family members that FH really wants to fly out for the wedding

Sometime we have to realize we can't always get what we want. It sucks, but it's just life. I understand not wanting to be the center of attention, but you will still be the center of attention at the reception. It's silly to think otherwise.

You want a private ceremony, a bigger reception, your immediate families = a larger amount of people and you have people traveling from overseas. Those things just don't mesh together very It's like putting a square peg in a circle hole. It just doesn't work. You are going to have to compromise here.

If not being the center attention is more important to you just elope or just invite your parents, siblings and their families to the wedding. You can have a very nice small wedding with just family and call it a day.

If having your family and friends, especially ones coming from overseas is more important to you then just suck it up and have a larger wedding with everyone coming to both the ceremony and reception.

I personally think it's unfair to ask people to travel halfway across the world and not even let them see the ceremony. My opinion, take it for what it's worth, but I have travelled overseas for a wedding and know my feelings on the subject.

Good luck.

Thanks @lyndausvi

PrettyGirlLost said:

I agree with all of this, and it was articulated very well.

If you are that anxious about being the center of attention, then I think eloping is the best option for you personally. However, since you are marrying another person, you have to take your FI's feelings and wished into consideration and compromise.

At the very least, I think that means you should invite all of the family that FI wants present at his wedding ceremony to the actual wedding ceremony, especially if these people are traveling across the globe to attend. If that means your ceremony size is now 30 or 50 people, you have to come to terms with that.

Perhaps you should consider speaking with a counselor who specializes in working with people with anxiety issues that can help you develop ways to deal with anxiety on your wedding day, and possibly even a prescription for Valium or Xanax or something.

Because as PP have said, you are going to be the center of attention the entire day of your wedding, not just during your ceremony. Your guests are going to be "up your ass" for lack of a better term during the reception, and you will be expected to personally visit with each one for a short while and thank them for attending. You will not be able to just blend into the background like you might do at a regular party.

@PrettyGirlLost
Eloping would suit me but not FH and this time what he wants matters a bit more than my issues
I would never take pills for it, not my thing, also wouldnt help. It isn't Anxiety - or rather it is but because of something else. I have a very very severe stammer (I've been seeing Speech Therapists for years and have 'techniques') but the idea of having to speak however little in front of all those people, I'm terrified of getting 'stuck' or having a block in front of all those people. And I know they love me and I know that FH doesnt give two hoots but it is that that terrifies me.

Thanks to you all for all your help

Aw, I can understand that. I think continuing to work with your speech therapist and then also going to a counselor to talk about the general anxiety that stems from your speech might help to ease your mind a bit, especially as your wedding day gets closer.

Are you concerned about talking with everyone at the reception as well, or mainly just the ceremony itself?

Inkdancer · January 2014

The good news is that on your wedding day, if you do stumble over your speech, everyone will chalk it up to wedding emotions and won't judge you badly for it.

lyndausvi · January 2014

Inkdancer said:

The good news is that on your wedding day, if you do stumble over your speech, everyone will chalk it up to wedding emotions and won't judge you badly for it.

So true. I know I stumbled. :-)

pipeTsquared · January 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

Thanks to you all for all your help

Aw, I can understand that. I think continuing to work with your speech therapist and then also going to a counselor to talk about the general anxiety that stems from your speech might help to ease your mind a bit, especially as your wedding day gets closer.

Are you concerned about talking with everyone at the reception as well, or mainly just the ceremony itself?

@PrettyGirlLost

Mainly the ceremony - with everyone watching and listening, the silence, the certain words that you have to say - it all

Nervous about the reception as well but talking to people face to face, in small groups/one to one, especially with all the noice in the background. So anxious about it but certainly not to the same extend as the ceremony at all

Small ceremony then big reception - 2 questions

Re: Small ceremony then big reception - 2 questions

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