Pre-wedding Parties

XP - Bridal Shower Drama

fungrl97fungrl97 member
10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
edited January 2014 in Pre-wedding Parties
I'm probably going to get flamed here for wanting any say in a party that I should have no say in but I really need to vent and if anyone can offer me practical advice for dealing with this without pissing people off I'd love to hear it.

Background:  FI and I live in Baltimore, I grew up in New York, he grew up in Boston.  Our families still live in those places, for the most part.  Our wedding is in New York.  My parents threw us a small, very casual engagement party and invited FIs parents and Aunts and Uncles.  Some of them came, other's didn't.  It was fun and the family got to mingle.  My 2 MOHs plan on throwing a bridal shower sometime over the summer, but no plans have been made yet because it is so far away.  When asked about a guest list (I haven't been asked yet) I had planned on telling them to invite just people I'm super close to, which would include FIs Mom, Sister and 1-2 aunts.  

Current Issue:  FIs mom wants to throw me a bridal shower.  I have not been consulted about whether or not I want one, when I might be free or who I might like to be invited.  She thinks that bridal showers need to be a complete surprise so everything that I know has come from other people.  She told my FI she is thinking of doing it but refuses to tell him any details - he tried to discourage her from planning one because he knew I just wanted 1 very small shower.  She didn't have any of it.  She's throwing one, and informed him that, "A lady would't have anything to say about something nice that someone else would do for her."  She also doesn't want to talk to him about it because he is male.

He mentioned this to me and I figured that I didn't really want a shower, but rather than going through him or getting into a fight over it, I'd give my MOH his mom's email address and ask her to coordinate.  My MOH told me that FIs mom plans on having the shower at a big family get together up in boston on July 4 weekend.  

I have a few issues with this.  1: I didn't plan on going to said family get together because I have limited days off work and have 5 weddings to go to over the next 6 months, then my own to budget for in the fall. 2: If we have the shower that weekend there will be people invited because they are there (like my FIs cousins girlfriends) who I would never have invited to a shower because I don't feel like they need to be giving me gifts.  

I know this makes me sound very spoiled and ungrateful, but is there any way I can convince her not to do this without hurting our relationship?  Or do I just have suck it up and deal with it even if it means me having to go to an event I didn't plan on going to and thus having to miss one of the weddings in FIs family.


Re: XP - Bridal Shower Drama

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited January 2014
    Tell your FI to tell his mother that July 4 doesn't work for you and that if she wants to give you a shower, she needs to confer with you so that the plans work for you both.  Don't, I repeat don't, suck it up.  That would make everyone involved miserable.  And to the "A lady doesn't" or his "being male" crap-BS.  And since it's his mom, he needs to be the one to convey the message-even if he is male.

    If none of that works, just don't go.
  • Thank you for your input.  I feel a little more validated for being concerned about a few things now.  

    Now my problem is mostly with the FI who has a really hard time telling his Mom that he doesn't think one of her ideas is anything less than perfect.  Like I said, he did try once to dissuade her and it didn't go very far.  Let's hope for better luck this time...
  • If you're going to post on different boards, please put XP in the title.

    You are, actually, allowed to and encouraged to have SOME say (such as guest lists and days to be held) in any lie - wedding party. That's not rude; that's common sense.

    With the additional information you posted here, I would call your FMIL's bluff. If she won't tell you when it is, or at least bother to check your availability, then she doesn't get her shower.

    If you weren't planning on attending the Fourth celebration, then don't. Don't change your plans for hers when she won't show you common courtesy.

    If it gets to be close to the Fourth and she says something about you coming, just say you can't, for the reasons you told us. If she says anything about the party, then say, very sweetly, 'Oh, I'm so sorry! This is just what I was afraid would happen when you insisted on not asking me about ddates. I was so afraid you'd schedule it at a time I couldn't make it. Oh, how I wish you'd consulted me! I'm so sorry!'

    Actions have consequences. If your action is to be passive - aggressive in planning something for someone, the consequence is that it might blow up in your face.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    kmmssgmysticl
  • Although there are very few rules that I adhere to, I have to say that I wonder why the mother of the groom thinks it's her place to throw a shower at all.  I thinks it is very nice when the MOG/FOG offer to host an engagement party or some other get together for the couple, and it is also nice when the MOG is invited to the shower.  I am just not sure about an MOG hosting one, especially the way this one is being presented.  
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