Someone please tell me it's not customary

jenniferurs · January 2014

For the groom's mother to get ready with the rest of the girls in the wedding party prior to the wedding...

renegade gaucho · January 2014

I don't think custom really matters. Our venue only had one room where the women could get ready, so my MIL was with us.

hlpopper · January 2014

I've never heard of a time when she had to get ready with the bride and her bridesmaids. Generally it's your mother who gets ready with you all. I don't think it would be a faux pas if you do not invite her to get ready with the rest of you girls. I'm avoiding that by having my bridesmaids and I stay at a hotel the night before and having our hair and make-up artist come to the room to get us ready. It would also work if you were to do it at one of your bridesmaids houses. I don't think anyone will expect you to have her get ready with you all.

Jen4948 · January 2014

I've never heard that this was customary. In fact, I've never heard of it at all.

While I have heard of the bride and maids getting ready together, that's not a requirement either-or that either of the mothers be there.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

No one is required to get ready with anyone, really. As a BM I personally hate all the fuss about getting ready all together and prefer to get dressed alone.

If you want your FMIL to get ready with you guys, then invite her. If you don't, then don't, and if she makes a fuss apologize and tell her there just isn't enough room in the bridal room, or something.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

Absolutely not. And I gather from your post that your FMIL wants to get ready with you and you don't.

This is one of the few times where it's acceptable to say 'It's my day and we're doing X.' You may absolutely say, 'I'm sorry, FMIL, but my BMs and I will be getting ready by ourselves pre-ceremony. I will see you afterwards!'

NeverTooManyShoes · January 2014

I dont think its customary, but I suspect that my FMIL would like to get ready with us too. Nothing against her, we get along great but on my wedding day I would like to spend a bit of quality time getting ready with my mum and bridesmaids.

I think if she asks, you can definitely say sorry, but no. I don't think that she would expect to get ready with you though? Maybe just would like to.

adnam08manda · January 2014

I get along great with my FMIL so I actually hope she does. I am assuming it will be my mom, her, and my BMs. It's not necessary at all but they all love the place we'd be getting ready. My FMIL is a single mom and my FI is her only child so she is already very involved with our wedding planning and she's a great person to be around. I think it would hurt her feelings to have no involvement since she has no one else to focus time on. However, if I didn't like my FMIL a ton I wouldn't expect her to ask. If she did I would probably cave anyways since she's going to be a permanent person in our lives and I don't want things to start off poorly when it's only a couple of hours getting dolled up. It could be fun!

MairePoppy · January 2014

No. Getting dressed is a personal thing and you don't have to include anyone, in particular. If you don't want your FMIL there, don't invite her and don't make a big deal of it. Your fi could help by telling his mom that he would like to spend time with her before the ceremony.

adnam08manda · January 2014

MairePoppy said:

No. Getting dressed is a personal thing and you don't have to include anyone, in particular. If you don't want your FMIL there, don't invite her and don't make a big deal of it. Your fi could help by telling his mom that he would like to spend time with her before the ceremony.

This is also a great idea. If you FI wants to get pictures of them together or pictures of her tying his tie or placing the boutonniere this would be a great way to divert her from getting ready with you. She would probably prefer this anyways since thats her son and it's one of the biggest days of his life. It's definitely something to consider if he wants that as well!

MairePoppy · January 2014

She may be willing to host the gm, maybe put together some snacks, or light breakfast. That's how my cousin's wife got rid of my aunt the morning of ; ) MOG was thrilled that her son and his friends wanted to spend time with her.

MobKaz · January 2014

MairePoppy said:

She may be willing to host the gm, maybe put together some snacks, or light breakfast. That's how my cousin's wife got rid of my aunt the morning of ; ) MOG was thrilled that her son and his friends wanted to spend time with her.

I agree with all of the above.

The bride may want to keep her interactions in the morning limited as a way to keep her emotions in check. She may also want to keep her "look" a surprise to as many people as possible. Having some private, intimate time with her own mother and/or bridesmaids is also her prerogative.

Typically the MOG is busy with her own family. In our situation, each family used that time to crank out as many family photographs as possible. And, also in our situation, each family did use that morning time to host simple breakfast foods for the respective sides of the wedding party.

This often surprises me. My daughter has a good relationship with her MIL, but honestly, you couldn't pry MIL from her son with a crowbar that morning. Those moments of mom to son were just as special and important as those with mom to daughter.

VTBride51014 · January 2014

My fmil graciously offered to pay for me, my mom, and my Bp to all get our makeup done. I'll probably have someone come out and my fmil will come to room an get ready with us, but probably go back to grooms side to hang out later and for pictures. I think when it's jus us girls all getting ready, it'll be fun!

artbyallie · January 2014

Am I the only one who didn't care who was in the bridal room and didn't have 'quality time' with anyone anyway because we were all, you know, busy getting ready?

I was in my cousin's wedding in December and barely saw her while we were getting ready. Or any of the other bridesmaids, for that matter. Too much last-minute shit to do to just hang out.

That said, all the mothers and grandmothers got ready before coming to the church. It was just me and the bridesmaids actually putting on dresses, and my mom was the only person to actually be close to me at any point since she was helping me into the dress and zipping it.

climbingsingle · January 2014

It's not customary. However, my FMIL will be getting ready with us (really, it's just me, my MOH and my mother). Our venue has a huge, lovely bridal suite for us to get ready in.

delujm0 · January 2014

I have hair/makeup people coming to the suite where the BMs and myself are getting ready...since FMIL is getting her hair done, she will be there. As will my mother. Not a big deal. I don't really see this as "quality time" either. If she wants to be there, is it really such a big deal?

MairePoppy · January 2014

artbyallie said:

Am I the only one who didn't care who was in the bridal room and didn't have 'quality time' with anyone anyway because we were all, you know, busy getting ready?

I was in my cousin's wedding in December and barely saw her while we were getting ready. Or any of the other bridesmaids, for that matter. Too much last-minute shit to do to just hang out.

That said, all the mothers and grandmothers got ready before coming to the church. It was just me and the bridesmaids actually putting on dresses, and my mom was the only person to actually be close to me at any point since she was helping me into the dress and zipping it.

No, you're not the only one. My daughter and her bms stayed in a hotel suite near the reception venue the night before the wedding. They invited me to their 7 a.m. hair appointment for a 2pm ceremony. I had so much going on at home, trying to coordinate the rest of the family, including grandparents, that I declined. I stayed home, did my own hair and makeup and had two cups of tea. It just didn't make sense to me, to share a bathroom and two mirrors with six other women. When my husband and I arrived with the large shuttle to pick up 'the girls,' MOG was there. TBH, she's a very nice lady, but my daughter was puzzled about her presence.

Belthil · January 2014

If you don't want your FMIL to be there while you're getting ready it's okay for you to tell her no.

I got ready at my parent's house so I thought it would be a little weird to kick my parents out of their own house. Both moms had their hair and make-up professionally done but my mom was scheduled in the first wave (make-up artist made the schedule) so my MIL arrived after I had been there for over an hour. This meant I still had some time to sit and talk with my parents and whoever else was there. However once everyone started getting ready there wasn't a lot of time to sit and visit.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

artbyallie said:

Am I the only one who didn't care who was in the bridal room and didn't have 'quality time' with anyone anyway because we were all, you know, busy getting ready?

I have never experienced any "quality time" with the bride or bridal party when I was require to get ready together. It was just a bunch of women trying to get dressed all together, in the midst of random guests "popping in" to see the bride, wish her well, the photographer coming in to take pictures, the florist dropping off bouquets, ugh.

I want to limit the number of ppl around me when I get into my dress- in fact I'd like that number to be zero until I get it on because it has a keyhole back and I can't wear a bra sooooooo. .. yeah, I don't want anyone to see my boobs, tyvm.

Once it's on we can stage all those zipping up the bride pics.

MairePoppy · January 2014

LOL. The bride isn't required to show her boobs to her FMIL or anyone else.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

MairePoppy said:

LOL. The bride isn't required to show her boobs to her FMIL or anyone else.

jenniferurs · January 2014

MairePoppy said:
No. Getting dressed is a personal thing and you don't have to include anyone, in particular. If you don't want your FMIL there, don't invite her and don't make a big deal of it. Your fi could help by telling his mom that he would like to spend time with her before the ceremony.

Problem is, I'm pretty sure FI and his friends aren't going to want her over there either. I think they're looking forward to some pre-wedding guy time. Which is probably the reason why she's started to drop hints about what the "girls' getting ready plans" are for that day.

At that point, how do I tactfully let her know that it will just be me, my mom, and my BMs?

hikebikebemerry · January 2014

@jenniferurs Before having to tell her no, I would let FI know that you want to just get ready with your Mom and BMs. Maybe there is an Aunt of his coming into town, and he can surprise her by coordinating brunch for her and said Aunt. You could also meet halfway, like a PP said- if there is a stylist there going in "waves" have her at the latest time, that way you can maximize getting ready time with just your Mom and BMs. If she confronts you about it, just say- "I love you (I tolerate you, whatever opening you want to use), but I am going to be so overcome with emotion from the day that I'm trying to limit the number of people in the room with me while getting ready." I would lean toward having FI talk to someone to plan out something that would keep her preoccupied, but still loved and not displaced. ETA: my iPAD hates paragraphs.. sorry! If she really pushes it, just say that you get volatile diarrhea when you get nervous and you're pretty embarrassed about it.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

artbyallie said:

Am I the only one who didn't care who was in the bridal room and didn't have 'quality time' with anyone anyway because we were all, you know, busy getting ready?

I was in my cousin's wedding in December and barely saw her while we were getting ready. Or any of the other bridesmaids, for that matter. Too much last-minute shit to do to just hang out.

That said, all the mothers and grandmothers got ready before coming to the church. It was just me and the bridesmaids actually putting on dresses, and my mom was the only person to actually be close to me at any point since she was helping me into the dress and zipping it.

Yes and no. I cared only in that I only wanted my mother and my BFF with me. The bridal room at my church was VERY tiny, and I don't do well in small rooms under the best of circumstances. Plus, I didn't really want any more people than truly necessary seeing me in my skivvies getting ready.

The BMs all got dressed in the ladies' room of the church, which has a little vestibule area for that purpose.

I mean, I was busy getting ready, so I didn't notice when other people got ready, but I absolutely wanted to control who was around me (read: under no fucking circumstances EVER did I want DH's BSC grandmother anywhere near me).

jenniferurs said:

No. Getting dressed is a personal thing and you don't have to include anyone, in particular. If you don't want your FMIL there, don't invite her and don't make a big deal of it. Your fi could help by telling his mom that he would like to spend time with her before the ceremony.
Problem is, I'm pretty sure FI and his friends aren't going to want her over there either. I think they're looking forward to some pre-wedding guy time. Which is probably the reason why she's started to drop hints about what the "girls' getting ready plans" are for that day. At that point, how do I tactfully let her know that it will just be me, my mom, and my BMs?

You bean-dip her. You say, "Oh, we're still planning that" or "Oh, we don't have that fully sorted yet" or "Oh, I'm not sure yet."

Her: What are the girls' getting ready plans?
You: Oh, I'm not sure yet, have you tried this bean-dip? It's fabulous!

Her: What are the plans? I need to know.

You: Do you think it has jalapenos in it? It's spicy!

Her: The plans should include me.

You: I'm going to go ask for the recipe, bye!

ETA: useful advice to OP

MobKaz · January 2014

jenniferurs said:

No. Getting dressed is a personal thing and you don't have to include anyone, in particular. If you don't want your FMIL there, don't invite her and don't make a big deal of it. Your fi could help by telling his mom that he would like to spend time with her before the ceremony.
Problem is, I'm pretty sure FI and his friends aren't going to want her over there either. I think they're looking forward to some pre-wedding guy time. Which is probably the reason why she's started to drop hints about what the "girls' getting ready plans" are for that day. At that point, how do I tactfully let her know that it will just be me, my mom, and my BMs?

If you can, try to avoid giving her the opportunity to ask about your "morning of" plans. I actually find it a little rude of her to inquire. (I've been a MOB and MOG.)

If the subject comes up, I would simply tell her that you want a quiet and intimate morning with your mom and your BM's. You really don't owe any more explanation than that. However, if she were to press the issue, you could add that it is your last few hours with your mom and that you are choosing to keep those hours private and simple.

I would then speak with your FI and tell him how you feel about your morning as well. I would hope he would not "throw you under the bus" just to get his own "guy time".

lc07 · January 2014

I recommend telling her that you just need her dressed and ready for photos at xyz time/place if you are doing some before the ceremony. "And we'll all meet you there!" or whatever. That will be saying it without saying it. If you aren't doing photos prior to the ceremony you can tell her the plan is that she just needs to arrive in time for the ceremony at xyz time/place and photos will take place after the ceremony.

jenniferurs · January 2014

missax said:
May I ask why? You say your FI doesn't want her with him & you don't want her with you. Do you not think she'll feel very hurt that no one wants her to be there with them? Unless she's tried to break you guys up or tried to hurt you in some way I don't see why you can't just let it go and appease her. It's totally your choice, I was just curious why this is such a big issue.

My MIL was with me, my MOH, & my mother because we were all getting H&M together.

She's insane and she always finds some way to ruin every event/holiday. And yes, as of late, it seems as though she finds any reason to put me down in a very passive-aggressive way. She's obsessed with her son in an unnatural way and as much as I know she likes me, I also think she wouldn't be sad to see the relationship fail, so that she'll be the most important woman in his life again. She's made our lives quite difficult as of late and I'd just prefer not to have the added stress on that day. Nevermind the fact that she and my mother do not get along and, while my mom is an adult and can put on a happy face, my FMIL is seemingly incapable. She cried every day leading up to thanksgiving this year, because my mom was going to be joining the 3 of us, and then retreated to the guest room on the day of complaining that she was ill, so that my fiancé would have to run to her aid instead of spending time with me and my mom. My fiancé ended up kicking her out of the house the day after thanksgiving, because she was just on a warpath and determined to find something to get mad over. In the aftermath, she had actually threatened not to attend the wedding at all, until some time passed, and she of course changed her mind.

I could literally go on for days with how much grief this woman has caused my fiancé and I, this past year especially, and some of the stories would blow your mind, but suffice it to say, neither of us want the added stress on such an important, joyous day.

MobKaz · January 2014

jenniferurs said:

May I ask why? You say your FI doesn't want her with him & you don't want her with you. Do you not think she'll feel very hurt that no one wants her to be there with them? Unless she's tried to break you guys up or tried to hurt you in some way I don't see why you can't just let it go and appease her. It's totally your choice, I was just curious why this is such a big issue.

My MIL was with me, my MOH, & my mother because we were all getting H&M together.
She's insane and she always finds some way to ruin every event/holiday. And yes, as of late, it seems as though she finds any reason to put me down in a very passive-aggressive way. She's obsessed with her son in an unnatural way and as much as I know she likes me, I also think she wouldn't be sad to see the relationship fail, so that she'll be the most important woman in his life again. She's made our lives quite difficult as of late and I'd just prefer not to have the added stress on that day. Nevermind the fact that she and my mother do not get along and, while my mom is an adult and can put on a happy face, my FMIL is seemingly incapable. She cried every day leading up to thanksgiving this year, because my mom was going to be joining the 3 of us, and then retreated to the guest room on the day of complaining that she was ill, so that my fiancé would have to run to her aid instead of spending time with me and my mom. My fiancé ended up kicking her out of the house the day after thanksgiving, because she was just on a warpath and determined to find something to get mad over. In the aftermath, she had actually threatened not to attend the wedding at all, until some time passed, and she of course changed her mind. I could literally go on for days with how much grief this woman has caused my fiancé and I, this past year especially, and some of the stories would blow your mind, but suffice it to say, neither of us want the added stress on such an important, joyous day.

There are a few parts to your wedding day where you should be the priority. Your morning should be exactly that......yours. No one should interfere with it, intrude upon it, or give you any concern for stress, sabotage, or disaster. I would again just tell her, IF it comes up again, that your morning routine is sacred to you and your mom. If she makes any threats about attending the wedding or anything else, ignore them. It will be her choice to play the fool.

adnam08manda · January 2014

Wow. If she's like that then yes, just say no. She may feel bad but hell she's made ya'll feel bad. My FI's mom is a little over protective and jealous of him because occasionally she'll get a wild hair up her ass to start something but he quickly knocks it down. She got upset because I didn't come to their Christmas stuff on Christmas day the first year we dated. As though I don't have my own family to see. The past two years we have just done breakfast at our house and invited her. Seems to keep her happy. Sometimes though she just gets upset over nothing so I try to find those situations and diffuse them quickly.

jenniferurs · January 2014

adnam08manda said:
Wow. If she's like that then yes, just say no. She may feel bad but hell she's made ya'll feel bad. My FI's mom is a little over protective and jealous of him because occasionally she'll get a wild hair up her ass to start something but he quickly knocks it down. She got upset because I didn't come to their Christmas stuff on Christmas day the first year we dated. As though I don't have my own family to see. The past two years we have just done breakfast at our house and invited her. Seems to keep her happy. Sometimes though she just gets upset over nothing so I try to find those situations and diffuse them quickly.

Yeah, she's impossible to diffuse once she gets going. It's so frustrating. Especially due to the frequency in which it happens. My fiancé and I literally have not seen his mom in a year without there being some kind of fight. And ever since he moved away from her to come live with me in Florida, it's only gotten worse.

adnam08manda · January 2014

Is he her only child or only son or something? Is she married? Just curious? Not all moms do that but I realized that my FI's mom tends to be fine when she has a boyfriend or someone to occupy her but when she's single she tends to be focused on him a lot more. It doesn't bother me because I understand it so I try to encourage them hanging out more when I'm at work and they do things together. This gives her some time with him and then theres less arguing. I know she disliked that as soon as he got home from Iraq we moved in together so she went from having him full time (no father figure), to the Army and being gone for the better part of 4.5 years, to moving in with a girlfriend. It wasn't easy for her and I understood that. I do what I can to make her feel close to us without actually being straight up our ass constantly.

Someone please tell me it's not customary

Re: Someone please tell me it's not customary

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