Family doesn't want to travel 2.5 hours to my "hometown". What can we do?

gsegalla · January 2014

I now live 2.5 hours from most of my family, and my fiance and I have announced that we are having our wedding in our current city. My mother has told me that most people will not attend the wedding because of the distance.

We are having it on a long weekend, on a Saturday night to compensate for the travel time. Both of our families and most of our friends will have to travel to get to the wedding, so I guess it is technically a "destination wedding" for them (not us). We are planning and paying for the wedding ourselves, so having it local to us makes it easier on us, but "harder" on everyone else.

Are we being unreasonable? What can we do to help this situation?

Inkdancer · January 2014

It is absolutely not unreasonable to plan your wedding in a way that works for you. A 2.5 hour drive is not too much to ask of guests.

I would not take your mother's word for it. Call the relatives you really want to see and ask them to attend. Send them letters letting them know how much it would mean to you. Then see what they say.

s-aries8990 · January 2014

gsegalla said:

I now live 2.5 hours from most of my family, and my fiance and I have announced that we are having our wedding in our current city. My mother has told me that most people will not attend the wedding because of the distance.

We are having it on a long weekend, on a Saturday night to compensate for the travel time. Both of our families and most of our friends will have to travel to get to the wedding, so I guess it is technically a "destination wedding" for them (not us). We are planning and paying for the wedding ourselves, so having it local to us makes it easier on us, but "harder" on everyone else.

Are we being unreasonable? What can we do to help this situation?

I don't think it's unreasonable at all.

Can you set up:

Room Blocks
Shuttle to/from the hotel and venues (if budget allows)
Morning after brunch (if budget allows)
talk to the hotel about possible early check-in for guests (say check in is at 4 and wedding starts at 4, it could be sticky)
On website, list other hotels, restaurants, attractions

I think she's probably butthurt that it's not in her hometown.

gsegalla · January 2014

s-aries8990 said:
I think she's probably butthurt that it's not in her hometown.

Hahaha I think you are right! Thanks, those are good suggestions, and I needed that laugh.

Jen4948 · January 2014

gsegalla said:

I now live 2.5 hours from most of my family, and my fiance and I have announced that we are having our wedding in our current city. My mother has told me that most people will not attend the wedding because of the distance.

We are having it on a long weekend, on a Saturday night to compensate for the travel time. Both of our families and most of our friends will have to travel to get to the wedding, so I guess it is technically a "destination wedding" for them (not us). We are planning and paying for the wedding ourselves, so having it local to us makes it easier on us, but "harder" on everyone else.

Are we being unreasonable? What can we do to help this situation?

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but about all you can do is accept that some people may not come and not take your mother's comment more seriously than it deserves. She's trying to exert pressure on you to move your wedding 2.5 hours for you because it's convenient for her.

I will have such a situation when I get married, because my BF and I live in NYC while my parents live in Houston and my brother and his family live in Southern California. But, as my parents are NYC natives, large chunks of my family on both sides live in the Tri-State area, as does just about everyone my BF would invite, so it's not really practical to move the wedding outside of it (not to mention that his mother has mobility problems).

delujm0 · January 2014

I think your mother is exaggerating because she'd rather you have the wedding where she lives so that she can be more involved in the planning. 2.5 hours is absolutely doable. You are paying for the wedding, you can do it wherever you want. We live 8+ hours from our families, and we're having the wedding in our current hometown because it makes it much easier to plan. Our families are well traveled though; so they are all still planning to attend.

I will caution that when you get married over an established long weekend (Labor Day, Memorial Day, 4th of July, etc), you do run the risk that some of your guests will decline because they have set plans for that holiday every year. Some of your guests will think it's great that they have an extra day to travel...others will refuse to cancel their Annual Labor Day Camping Trip or whatever, and will not come. Don't take it personally.

Also, know that hotel room rates and flights/gas are generally more expensive over holiday weekends, which could cause the trip to be over the budget of some of your guests. You should set up a hotel room block at a discounted rate as soon as possible to lessen their cost.

vsgal · January 2014

You are not being unreasonable. You pick the city you want to be married in. We picked our current city and made both sides travel. To us, that was the fairest and easiest solution. We had some family that made the decision not to travel the distance to the wedding. That was their choice.

If you mom is right and most people won't travel, you have to decide if it is better to have people there or is it better to have an easier time planning. It looks like you are paying for the event, so you have the final say on the location.

emmyg65 · January 2014

Yeah, I wouldn't take your mom's word for it. We got married 4 hours from my hometown, and most of my family and friends made it. PP had some good advice on how to make it easier for your guests. Also, send save-the-dates so people can make travel arrangements early.

vsgal · January 2014

On a side note, you will be surprised who will come and who will not. We had family that we never met travel across the country to our wedding. We had people that we knew would come that lived within an hour of us, but did not come because they did not want to rent a room. You never know.

lyndausvi · January 2014

There is nothing you can do. My MIL was annoyed our wedding was 4 hours away and "nobody will come". Funny part is DH and I lived in St Thomas, which was a days flight away and moved the wedding to be closer to family so they would not have to travel as far.

Fact is some families just don't travel. My family as moved around the world. We hop on a plane at moments notice without even thinking. Others are happy in their little 10 sq mile world and see no reason to leave. I'm looking at you MIL who has never once come to visit my husband. CA, CO, Turks, ST Thomas, never once. Nothing you can do to change their minds so don't stress about it.

Send the invite and what happens happens. Although more than like mom is like my MIL and being all dramatic and people actually had no problem coming down to Cape May for our wedding.

Inkdancer · January 2014

vsgal said:

On a side note, you will be surprised who will come and who will not. We had family that we never met travel across the country to our wedding. We had people that we knew would come that lived within an hour of us, but did not come because they did not want to rent a room. You never know.

If they only lived an hour away, why would they need a room? Have a DD or don't drink and then just go home.

melbelleup · January 2014

All of my FI's family and friends are at least 2 1/2 hrs from my hometown. We're currently 8 hours from my home town. We're having it in my home town though. I sent all of his guest list STDs well in advanced including hotel information on it. 2 1/2 hrs really is not that much at all, but I say that because I drive 8 hrs one way every time I go home and don't even mind that. The people who want to be there will be there. Our reception ends at 8:30 so his guests don't even have to get a hotel room unless they want to.

Edited: because I can't spell...

KickAssMOH · January 2014

It's frustrating as hell when your family voices their opposition to you planning a wedding in the place where you live. I experienced this with my extended family members - they were not pleased to fly from Florida to Massachusetts. They said "your FI is from FL, and his family is here, and your extended family lives here too... so this is the place you should get married." All in all, 70% of our guests were local and 30% had to travel, so we were not being totally ridiculous. I've only ever lived in Boston, so the wedding was 100% my hometown. It made me feel a little unloved, considering the fact that this same group of family members had the time/money to travel, and has travelled all over the country for other family weddings and go on lavish vacations all the time.

In the end, they all made the trip up, including my disgruntled 93 yr old grandma. I planned it at a venue that was very close to the airport to allow for easier travel. Somtimes you just have to do what feels best for you, and assume that people who love you will travel a bit to witness your wedding.

Fairyjen1 · January 2014

We are still deciding on a local wedding or a destination wedding. If we do it local my friends and family are here, but all of FIs side will be a destination either way as they are scattered across many states.

My aunt, who lives locally, won't even come to our local wedding as it's a half hour from her house and she won't go out of the town she lives in. She's gracious about it and doesn't expect me to move my wedding or anything, but it's just how she is. I and my FI on the other hand went to two weddings this past year that were a 2 hour drive. We stayed overnight because it's fun and we like hanging out in new places. You don't know who will come and who is only calling your bluff.

What we have done is check with the people we absolutely want there (immediate family) and if anyone else comes it's icing on the cake. You plan your wedding where it's comfortable for you, invite who you want, and let the chips fall where they may. If someone is offended because you picked a location not convenient to them then it's on them, they always have the right to decline.

His family is fine with where ever we want to have it, but had they not been, say , his mother would only come if it was in her state, then we would go back to the drawing board and re-think the whole thing as having our parents there is a must for us. Fortunately for us everyone seems very easy going about what we do.

gsegalla · January 2014

I totally know what you mean when you say you felt "unloved"!

delujm0 · January 2014

I think, as a people, we all need to stop using the term "destination wedding" for every single wedding that might require travel for some of the guests. I've never been to or heard of a wedding that didn't require at least a few guests to travel moderately to get to it.

A destination wedding is in a location where nobody - not the couple, not one of their families, and in most instances, none (or very few) of the invted guests - actually lives. It is a wedding where EVERYONE has to travel; travel meaning "get on an airplane" or "be in a car for several hours" and "staying in a hotel for at least 2-3 nights."

If your mom didn't think your relatives would come to a DW in the Caribbean, that makes total sense. That's expensive and far away. Your wedding is super convenient. I've been to dozens of weddings, and do you know how many of them i've been able to sleep in my own bed afterwards? About 3. I almost always have to travel and stay in a hotel when i am invited to a wedding (and i live in a major city...not in the middle of nowhere or anything). I would actually be jazzed to only have to drive 2.5 hours, because it means i'd only need a hotel for one night instead of two, and because it wouldn't involve buying a flight.

This isn't a destination wedding. it is a minor inconvenience for some members of your family. Your mom is overreacting.

princessleia22 · January 2014

Not unreasonable at all. Anyone that really cares about you will drive the 2.5 hours to get to your wedding. That really isn't that far to go.

FI and I have family in AZ, MI, and FL, along with a few stragglers in TN, WA, & AL. No matter where we got married, distance would be an issue for our guests. So, we decided to have a destination wedding in New Orleans, right in the middle where nobody lives! Most of our guests have to travel 1,000 miles to get to our wedding. Yes, that means there are several people that won't attend and we expect about 40 guests (50% of invited). But, we decided that as long as our immediate families (parents & siblings) were there (we checked with them before booking anything), that is all we needed to be happy that day.

climbingsingle · January 2014

I agree with PPs. Your mom is overreacting. 2.5 hours is not far to travel. And IMO, she's probably telling you most people won't attend so that you freak out and change your mind. She's manipulating you. I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised by how many people that don't mind traveling 2.5 hours for your wedding.

Chipmunk415 · January 2014

I was in your shoes. FI and I were scoping out areas in our town. Dad (who offered and is paying) got snarky, saying it should be in the "bride's hometown" and since they'd moved away from said hometown, it should be in town my folks retired to. Went by a few places to humor him, told him of costs at those locations, (ridiculous, high costs for very little) then brought him to my town, showed him the two places I narrowed it down to, and informed him the second one (which he liked better) had space for both ceremony, reception, indoor ceremony backup, took care of food, and included linens, chairs, tables, cutlery, plates, glasses, etc, for about 500 bucks cheaper than the "hometown" reception venue he'd been pushing......

In 59 days, we're getting married at the place in my town. Do the research, figure out the budget, and if she starts in on it again, point out to her how much more cost effective it is to have everything in your town, then bean dip the bejeezus out of her.

Extra: When Dad got extra snippy, we said we'd just go to USVI or similar and elope. I'm Dad's youngest, Mom's only. The sniping stopped.

sofakingmad · January 2014

Family can be the worst when it comes to weddings.

In this instance, don't let her make you feel bad. 2.5 hours is an easy drive.

If you don't want to fight with her, maybe extend the offer to pay for her accommodations? Not necessary, but would be a kind gesture.

KPBM89 · January 2014

Nope not unreasonable. Actually, that would be a blessing for someone like me, who lives 12 hours from everyone! 2.5 hours would be cake! I happily drove 14 hours to a wedding last summer because it was a dear friend and I wouldn't miss it regardless of the drive. I'll be driving 16 hours to a wedding in July (FI's brother) and 12 hours to one in September (my best friend). We have dogs that can't fly and can't be kenneled. Sure, it sucks doing all that travelling, but weddings are worth it! Our wedding is going to be in my hometown and FI's family has to drive 3.5 hours to get there. I've only heard one complaint, and it was sort of a joking comment anyway, about it from someone in his family, to which I reminded them our 16 hours there and 16 back for his brother's will be much worse. If you add all the driving we'll do for all 3 weddings within 3 months, we'll be driving 80 hours. -_-

cowgirl8238 · January 2014

FI and I are planning our wedding 4 hours away from the majority of both our families. My moms side is all over the country even! Whoever wants to be there, will be there and whoever doesn't want to go doesn't have to. I don't care either way.

phira · January 2014

It sounds to me like your mom is irritated that she has to travel and is trying to convince you to change by implying that no one will come if they have to travel.

Have your wedding in your current city. Make it awesome. If your mom is right and some of your family members won't travel, then that's X fewer meals you have to pay for.

gsegalla · January 2014

Thank you so much everyone! Some really useful suggestions and plenty of encouragement...just what I needed

AddieCake · January 2014

I think it's ridiculous not to be willing to travel a couple hours to a wedding. I travel an hour just to get to fucking WORK every day.

kmmssg · January 2014

I'm a MOB and I agree that you need to call her bluff. What I will ask is this: do these people normally not attend family events because they aren't in their backyard? Do you guys do reunions, picnics, etc?

I do think you should always be prepared for people not attending. Maybe some of them are really like that, but in the end you have to choose what makes the best sense for everyone involved. For me it would NOT be a showstopper.

sarahufl · January 2014

2.5 hours would be awesome! I would love that. People are whiny.

FI and I live in NYC, his entire (large) family lives in the NYC area and we are getting married in my hometown (north Florida). They are excited because the nieces/nephews get to go to Disney World.

It is all about perspective, I have traveled thousands of miles to go to weddings because I love attending them. Driving 2.5 hours is nothing.

lyndausvi · January 2014

I think it's completely unproductive to go around calling people whiny for not wanting to attend a wedding 2.5 hours away. There are some legit reason why they don't want to travel "that" far. Some people can't sit in a car that long, others get anxiety driving, others just don't want to commit 5 hours of travel along with another 4-8 hours of the actual event. That is a long day for some people.

All any host can to do is send out an invite and let the guest response cards fall where they will. No need to change locations or find out why people are declining. As I say often,

ALL CHOICES/ACTIONS, GOOD OR BAD, HAVE CONSEQUENCES

Your good choice of having the wedding where you live might come with consequences that some people might not attend from OOT. It's just life. Don't sweat about it.

abbyj700 · January 2014

I live 5.5 hours away from my hometown. I don't think my mother would ever dream of me attempting to plan a wedding that far away.

As others have said - yes, some may not come due to distance - but this is your wedding and you are doing what is right for you. But I'm sure - just as I'm sure for our wedding - that you will have plenty of people willing to travel to attend!

[Deleted User] · January 2014

Will there be people who won't be able to attend due to the location & possible cost, of course, but even if you had it in your mom's hometown, there will be people who can't attend for one reason or another. Since so many people will have to travel, try to get out Save the Dates early so that people can make plans for travel and have plenty of time to save up for the hotel/travel expense if needed and if necessary find babysitter arrangements for their kids. Especially with it being a holiday weekend.

aurorajanette · January 2014

As previous posters have said, have your wedding where you feel comfortable having it.

In my area, there tends to be a lot of traffic congestion, so I wouldn't think twice about a 2.5 hour drive. It's taken me that long to drive to weddings that are 40 miles away! In fact, it takes me almost an hour to get to work in the morning... I work 8 miles from where I live. Granted, not everyone is accustomed to sitting in the car for prolonged periods of time like that, and if they are uncomfortable, they will decline. I would say if they have anxiety about driving 2.5 hours, then they probably shouldn't be driving at all, and can hopefully carpool with another relative that lives closer. If many of your family members live that 2.5 hour distance away, is it possible for you to suggest that they carpool?

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