Small Wedding - Etiquette for +1s?

Emmdem · January 2014

So I am having a small, intimate wedding (aiming for under 50 people). We are trying to keep the numbers down as our venue has a limit, so we are debating on what to do for +1s. We definitely aren't including +1s for single guests not in a serious relationship. We have several "couple' friends, who we have socialized with and are friends with both people, so they are both invited of course.

However, we have a sub-set of friends who are in a serious relationship (though not engaged or living together), but we don't know their SO that well. For two of the guests with SOs (my friends), my fi doesn't really like their SOs and doesn't want them invited (he says why would we have people are the wedding who we don't know well or even like at all?). However, he wants to invite a +1 for his best man, even though he doesn't know the guy's gf at all. Basically, he wants to invite SOs if he likes the person and not include them if he doesn't like them (my friend's SOs).

To me, it is very rude to pick and choose which "SOs" to include as +1s, if they are in a serious relationship, and I am worried that my friends would be offended if we didn't include their SOs in the invite. He doesn't see a problem with it, as he only wants to invite people to the wedding that the likes. Any thoughts on what is appropriate or a solution?

sofakingmad · January 2014

How do you decide if someone is in a serious relationship?

sofakingmad · January 2014

Emmdem said:

To me, it is very rude to pick and choose which "SOs" to include as +1s, if they are in a serious relationship,

Ding ding ding

sofakingmad · January 2014

Sorry for the multiple posts...

but you say that you have friends that are in serious relationships, but your FI just doesn't like them, therefore doesn't want to invite them.

How would you feel if the roles were reversed? You didn't get invited because your FIs friends just didn't like you.

Inkdancer · January 2014

You are absolutely correct on this one.

DragonBlood13 said:

Sorry for the multiple posts...

but you say that you have friends that are in serious relationships, but your FI just doesn't like them, therefore doesn't want to invite them.

How would you feel if the roles were reversed? You didn't get invited because your FIs friends just didn't like you.

^Maybe say that to your FI? It might help him to understand why this is hurtful/ rude.

KatWAG · January 2014

Emmdem said:

So I am having a small, intimate wedding (aiming for under 50 people). We are trying to keep the numbers down as our venue has a limit, so we are debating on what to do for +1s. We definitely aren't including +1s for single guests not in a serious relationship. We have several "couple' friends, who we have socialized with and are friends with both people, so they are both invited of course.

However, we have a sub-set of friends who are in a serious relationship (though not engaged or living together), but we don't know their SO that well. For two of the guests with SOs (my friends), my fi doesn't really like their SOs and doesn't want them invited (he says why would we have people are the wedding who we don't know well or even like at all?). However, he wants to invite a +1 for his best man, even though he doesn't know the guy's gf at all. Basically, he wants to invite SOs if he likes the person and not include them if he doesn't like them (my friend's SOs).

To me, it is very rude to pick and choose which "SOs" to include as +1s, if they are in a serious relationship, and I am worried that my friends would be offended if we didn't include their SOs in the invite. He doesn't see a problem with it, as he only wants to invite people to the wedding that the likes. Any thoughts on what is appropriate or a solution?

The etiquette rule for +1s are the same no matter how big or small your wedding is. If someone considers themselves to be in a relationship (no matter how serious) they need to be invited with their SO.

So it doesnt matter that your Fi either doesnt know or doesnt like a certain SO. They still need to be invited.

How would you feel if your Fi wasnt invited to a wedding bc someone didnt deem your relationship serious enough? Pretty crappy, I bet.

Lamiavita · January 2014

Basically, when planning my guest list, and aiming for a final maximum number, I'm going to assume everyone I want to invite is coming as a two.

That way, anyone in a relationship when invites go out already has a spot for their SO, anyone else has the ability to bring a plus one if they wish.

I determine a relationship as "hi, I'm posting invites tomorrow, do you have a significant other who's name needs adding to the invite?"
If they are in a relationship, they'll have a name. If not, they get a plus one.

Fran1985 · January 2014

Plus ones are only for single guest's. People with SOs don't get plus ones, they get invited WITH their SO.

Inviting people without their SO is one of the rudest things you can do in my opinion.

KatWAG · January 2014

Lamiavita said:

Basically, when planning my guest list, and aiming for a final maximum number, I'm going to assume everyone I want to invite is coming as a two. That way, anyone in a relationship when invites go out already has a spot for their SO, anyone else has the ability to bring a plus one if they wish. I determine a relationship as "hi, I'm posting invites tomorrow, do you have a significant other who's name needs adding to the invite?" If they are in a relationship, they'll have a name. If not, they get a plus one.

I think this is a great way to budget/ plan your guest list.

But it should be noted that truly single people do not need a +1. It is great if you can, but not required.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

Emmdem said:

So I am having a small, intimate wedding (aiming for under 50 people). We are trying to keep the numbers down as our venue has a limit, so we are debating on what to do for +1s. We definitely aren't including +1s for single guests not in a serious relationship. Um, this makes no logical sense. If they are single, then they aren't in a relationship. If they are in a relationship, then they are not single. You are not the arbiter of what relationships are serious. For weddings the etiquette is pretty binary- either a guest is single or he is in a relationship. You DO NOT have to extend a Plus One to truly single guests. All guests in a relationship must be invited with their SO. We have several "couple' friends, who we have socialized with and are friends with both people, so they are both invited of course.
However, we have a sub-set of friends who are in a serious relationship (though not engaged or living together), but we don't know their SO that well. It doesn't matter if you don't know their SO's from Adam or if you were BFFS- the SO's must be invited if you invite these friends. For two of the guests with SOs (my friends), my fi doesn't really like their SOs and doesn't want them invited (he says why would we have people are the wedding who we don't know well or even like at all?). This is a case of the Too Fucking Bads for your FI. If he wants to invite these friends, he must invite their SO's whether he likes them or not. To do otherwise is tacky and rude. However, he wants to invite a +1 for his best man, even though he doesn't know the guy's gf at all. Basically, he wants to invite SOs if he likes the person and not include them if he doesn't like them (my friend's SOs). Too Fucking Bad, FI. He doesn't get to do this, it would be the height of boarish behavior.
To me, it is very rude to pick and choose which "SOs" to include as +1s, if they are in a serious relationship, You are totally correct and I am worried that my friends would be offended if we didn't include their SOs in the invite. You are totally correct and you might lose friendships if you give in to your FI's stupid idea. He doesn't see a problem with it, as he only wants to invite people to the wedding that the likes. Any thoughts on what is appropriate or a solution?

Unless there is a case of abusive behavior, a restraining order, etc. guests who are in a relationship must be invited with their SO, and you should invite that SO by name on the invitation.

Your FI is being an ass. Tell him to GTFOver himself and that he cannot pick and choose whose SO's can be invited. The couple is either invited as a pair or not at all.

KickAssMOH · January 2014

OP, I have a story for you: My husband and I recently attended a friend's wedding where they did not invite SO's that they "didn't know very well, or hadn't met yet". This included at least one friend of theirs who was married. Prior to their wedding, they told me that this was their plan...to which I gulped and said "oh" without pointing out that it was totally messed up. I then proceeded to ask if my husband was invited because I was genuinely uncertain at that point. They said "hahah yes of course, we like him!" Oh joy. My point is...your plans are shitty. None of your friends are going to tell you that you're being rude because they don't want to offend you, but the people who have an SO (regardless of how "serious" you think they are) are going to be miffed by being invited alone.

AddieCake · January 2014

Anyone who deems themselves in a relationship needs to be invited with his or her significant other. It is nobody's place to determine how long a couple should be dating or how serious a relationship is or isn't. BOTH halves a couple get invited regardless of your approval of them and regardless of whether or not you've ever even laid eyes on them.

Your fiance is being a dick.

Gizmo813 · January 2014

To ask a question related to the OP: What about SO's that nobody knows about?

Here's the scenario:

My uncle is estranged from my family - by his own choice. He went through a midlife crisis about 6 years ago, divorced his wife and practically disowned his family. My cousin (his daughter) is in my WP, and my aunt (his ex-wife) is invited, because I have always been close to her. I have also invited my uncle, although I'd be very surprised if he comes. I've made the decision not to give either my aunt OR my uncle +1's, because I don't want to create any more awkwardness than there already will be.

And then my mom tells me that my uncle secretly got remarried, but didn't tell anybody, and that my mom found out through-the-grapevine. Nobody knows this woman, nor are they aware she even exists. As far as my uncle should be concerned, I don't know she exists either.

Should I amend my plans and include her on the invitation? Or feign ignorance and stick with my original thoughts?

Inkdancer · January 2014

@Gizmo813 Since you now know, you should invite her.

sofakingmad · January 2014

@gizmo813, i think you should amend your plans and invite the new wife.

KatWAG · January 2014

Gizmo813 said:

To ask a question related to the OP: What about SO's that nobody knows about?

Here's the scenario:

My uncle is estranged from my family - by his own choice. He went through a midlife crisis about 6 years ago, divorced his wife and practically disowned his family. My cousin (his daughter) is in my WP, and my aunt (his ex-wife) is invited, because I have always been close to her. I have also invited my uncle, although I'd be very surprised if he comes. I've made the decision not to give either my aunt OR my uncle +1's, because I don't want to create any more awkwardness than there already will be.

And then my mom tells me that my uncle secretly got remarried, but didn't tell anybody, and that my mom found out through-the-grapevine. Nobody knows this woman, nor are they aware she even exists. As far as my uncle should be concerned, I don't know she exists either.

Should I amend my plans and include her on the invitation? Or feign ignorance and stick with my original thoughts?

Your Uncle's new wife should 100% be invited. It shoudl be his choice whether or not to bring her to the wedding.

Also, your Aunt and Uncle got divorced 6 years. I think they can be grown-ups for one night and not have any "awkwardness"

Inkdancer · January 2014

KatWAG said:

Gizmo813 said:

To ask a question related to the OP: What about SO's that nobody knows about?

Here's the scenario:

My uncle is estranged from my family - by his own choice. He went through a midlife crisis about 6 years ago, divorced his wife and practically disowned his family. My cousin (his daughter) is in my WP, and my aunt (his ex-wife) is invited, because I have always been close to her. I have also invited my uncle, although I'd be very surprised if he comes. I've made the decision not to give either my aunt OR my uncle +1's, because I don't want to create any more awkwardness than there already will be.

And then my mom tells me that my uncle secretly got remarried, but didn't tell anybody, and that my mom found out through-the-grapevine. Nobody knows this woman, nor are they aware she even exists. As far as my uncle should be concerned, I don't know she exists either.

Should I amend my plans and include her on the invitation? Or feign ignorance and stick with my original thoughts?

Your Uncle's new wife should 100% be invited. It shoudl be his choice whether or not to bring her to the wedding.

Also, your Aunt and Uncle got divorced 6 years. I think they can be grown-ups for one night and not have any "awkwardness"

^that. And if they can't be adult about it, that's on them not you.

AddieCake · January 2014

Well, gee. Now that you KNOW he has a wife, you should be inviting her. How is it even a question now that you know?

Gizmo813 · January 2014

AddieL73 said:

Well, gee. Now that you KNOW he has a wife, you should be inviting her. How is it even a question now that you know?

Well, gee. It was just a question. There is no need for a rude response ....

Amyzen83 · January 2014

You need to invite the new wife and I'd give your aunt a plus one so she can feel comfortable

Inkdancer · January 2014

Amyzen83 said:

You need to invite the new wife and I'd give your aunt a plus one so she can feel comfortable

I disagree with giving the aunt a +1. It could make her uncomfortable to do that if she isn't in a relationship (i.e. look, your ex is married, and you had to scramble to find a date). If she is in a relationship, she should already have an invite for her SO.

Amyzen83 · January 2014

But I figured it might make her more comfortable if she had the option of bringing someone. I know if I were about to see someone who basically ruined my family I'm referring to ex husband I'd want to hav at least a friend for support

JellyBean52513 · January 2014

OP, you need to explain to your FI that if one person of a couple is invited, both people are invited, endofstory. FTR, it DOES feel incredibly crappy when someone you consider a friend undermines your relationship and pulls a disrespectful move like that. Weddings are meant to be happy, joyous occasions that celebrate love. By inviting someone to that celebration but refusing them the opportunity to experience it with the person THEY love is pretty shitty.

AddieCake · January 2014

I know it was just a question. One that has an obvious answer seeing as how etiquette dictates inviting spouses together.

doeydo · January 2014

Inkdancer said:

Amyzen83 said:

You need to invite the new wife and I'd give your aunt a plus one so she can feel comfortable

I disagree with giving the aunt a +1. It could make her uncomfortable to do that if she isn't in a relationship (i.e. look, your ex is married, and you had to scramble to find a date). If she is in a relationship, she should already have an invite for her SO.

She could hire an escort...

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

OP, you need to explain to your FI that if one person of a couple is invited, both people are invited, endofstory. FTR, it DOES feel incredibly crappy when someone you consider a friend undermines your relationship and pulls a disrespectful move like that. Weddings are meant to be happy, joyous occasions that celebrate love. By inviting someone to that celebration but refusing them the opportunity to experience it with the person THEY love is pretty shitty.

THIS.

Also, if I were to be invited without DH (either now or when he was FI or BF), and I knew my friends knew about our relationship, I would be re-evaluating, and probably discontinuing, our friendship.

ktjanesmom · January 2014

"Your fiance is being a dick". Yep that is now the nastiest thing I have ever seen on here.

JellyBean52513 · January 2014

ktjanesmom said:

"Your fiance is being a dick". Yep that is now the nastiest thing I have ever seen on here.

Truth hurts sometimes. He's being an asshole, plain and simple. An asshole would expect their friends to separate from their SO because IT'S THEIR SPECIAL DAY.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

ktjanesmom said:

"Your fiance is being a dick". Yep that is now the nastiest thing I have ever seen on here.

Truth hurts sometimes. He's being an asshole, plain and simple. An asshole would expect their friends to separate from their SO because IT'S THEIR SPECIAL DAY.

Also, since he's apparently making the entirely arbitrary judgement of inviting SOs based on whether or not HE likes them, that puts him in asshole territory -- how would HE feel if the OP were invited to something but he wasn't because the hosts don't like him, or think he's a douchecanoe?

Look -- we all have friends whose SOs we don't like. I'm not especially fond of my MOH's FI. But I invited them as a couple, because it was the right thing to do. And to avoid seeing him (DH doesn't like him either) she and I do a lot of "girls only" things when he's at work and she and I aren't. It works for us.

saric83 · January 2014

ktjanesmom said:

"Your fiance is being a dick". Yep that is now the nastiest thing I have ever seen on here.

Maybe....but sadly, it's accurate.

OP - just ask your FI how he would respond if one of your mutual friends, who he likes, invited just you and didn't include him because they just don't like him. It's unforgivably rude, and if I found out that any of my friends did that to me, I would feel so disrespected, and we probably wouldn't be friends any more.

We had a small wedding and invited 75 people total, so I get the overall idea of wanting to keep it intimate with just peeps you know, but it doesn't make it okay.

AddieCake · January 2014

ktjanesmom said:

"Your fiance is being a dick". Yep that is now the nastiest thing I have ever seen on here.

Then you must not have been around when people got called cuntwaffles.

Small Wedding - Etiquette for +1s?

Re: Small Wedding - Etiquette for +1s?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards