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Hazel_B
member
What's your view on this dating method?
This morning I was talking with a someone who is in the early stages of dating. I asked how her date on the weekend was and when she asked about my weekend I said that my BF and I celebrated 2 years together. How over dinner we reviewed our past year and looked forward to what may happen in the upcoming year regarding next steps, ie. marriage.
I was essentially informed that what I was doing (having a conversation with BF about marriage, confirming we are still on the same page, talking about our time frame) was completely wrong. I was told that until I had a ring on my finger I should be keeping my options open, not investing as much emotionally and continue to date around.
I was in shock. I replied that since she'd been dating again she'd only been out with any guy a maximum of 4 dates that she should let me know how it goes when she was 2 or 3 good options past the 5 date stage beacause I don't think it'd be easy to do that juggling act. She then informed me that I wouldn't understand since I wasn't left by my FI about a month before the wedding.
I totally get that I can't understand things from her perspective, but I don't understand how she thinks it is okay to date around until someone proposes to her. She's looking for someone really traditional and I'm not sure that type of guy would be okay with this arrangement if they are fully aware of it.
I was essentially informed that what I was doing (having a conversation with BF about marriage, confirming we are still on the same page, talking about our time frame) was completely wrong. I was told that until I had a ring on my finger I should be keeping my options open, not investing as much emotionally and continue to date around.
I was in shock. I replied that since she'd been dating again she'd only been out with any guy a maximum of 4 dates that she should let me know how it goes when she was 2 or 3 good options past the 5 date stage beacause I don't think it'd be easy to do that juggling act. She then informed me that I wouldn't understand since I wasn't left by my FI about a month before the wedding.
I totally get that I can't understand things from her perspective, but I don't understand how she thinks it is okay to date around until someone proposes to her. She's looking for someone really traditional and I'm not sure that type of guy would be okay with this arrangement if they are fully aware of it.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: What's your view on this dating method?
I...You know what, whatever floats her boat.
Good luck finding a guy to propose to her when he finds out the mess she's pulling.
My Bio - updated 26/3/2011
What I find weirder is that she flat out told you that you were doing it wrong.
I've kind of heard the opposite view from some people; that you shouldn't discuss marriage until you're engaged, but they didn't say it's because you should keep your options open.
My Bio - updated 26/3/2011
My Bio - updated 26/3/2011
[QUOTE]Bren - She said that i was wrong because there was a part of the conversation that BF and I had that wasn't as easy as the rest. From there she basically said having these conversations was wrong and that I shouldn't be comitting myself as much that I'd care about the situation...<strong>blah blah blah
</strong>Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]
I think the bolded part sums it up well ;)
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What's your view on this dating method? : I think the bolded part sums it up well ;)
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]
So true, it's just hard when she is the only similarly aged female in the office. Initially I really wanted to be friends because of that. I didn't think it be a problem, since I'm a pretty likeable person and easy to get along with. However, her crazy ideas make it a challenge.
My Bio - updated 26/3/2011
Blog: A New Yorker in Duluth
Updated 8/8/11
My Bio - updated 26/3/2011
It sounds like she got burned and is now trying to protect herself from getting hurt again.
Of course, this is only going to lead to her getting even more hurt.
One of my favorite lines from the movie French Kiss with Meg Ryan...
"I realised that I've spent most of my adult life trying to protect myself from exactly this situation. And you can't do it. There's no home safe enough, no relationship secure enough. You're setting yourself up for an even bigger fall and having an incredibly boring time in the process."
And it's so true.
And, yes, I can predict that if a guy did this to her, she'd be pissed. Very hypocritical.
[QUOTE]What an odd outlook... Maybe she needs therapy?
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]
I second this. It really truly honestly sounds like she has not gotten over what her ex did to her - which is understandable to say the least. I couldn't imagine planning a wedding and a month before my fiance leaves me. I think she definitely needs to see a therapist or...well....maybe she just needs to get the dating scene out of her system. She just needs to be aware that there is no way a man will propose when she's seeing other men.
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Murried Bio
I think once she heals from the broken engagement AND finds the right guy her opinions will change. It has taken me 5 years to be ready to get married since my broken engagement.
I keep telling her that there are worst things in life than being single and not to rush things, but she sees it more as there is nothing worse than to not have children and she needs to get a move on.
I try to stay out of it as much as possible, it's just hard to watch sometimes when you know some of the decisions she is making could result in more heartbreak.
Jeana - You are so right, but it is hard to do sometimes with her because she can become combative when people don't agree.
My Bio - updated 26/3/2011
Yeah, I think she needs some help. And I think it's better to talk about these things so you can work out any small differences of opinion before they become bigger issues.
[QUOTE]This is rather antiquated... my father said something similar to me in high school, about not putting blinders on to what else is out there while I dated one guy, but I think in high school it's usually better to date casually anyway (note<strong> I said *usually* for all you high school sweethearts</strong>), and get to know many people, so you know what you eventually want. Yeah, I think she needs some help. And I think it's better to talk about these things so you can work out any small differences of opinion before they become bigger issues.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
WHATTTTT! Actually, I was casually dating FI and another guy when we first started dating. We weren't "official" yet so I saw no big deal in it. FI and the other guy weren't happy when they found out but FI decided to stick around and make it "official"
[QUOTE]Hmm. How old is she? I mean, this used to be how things went, right? About a million years ago, as an eligible young woman, you were supposed to go on various dates, but not have sex (or maybe even kiss), and wait for one of the guys to propose to you. I could maaaaayyyyyybe see this method being fine if that were the way she were going about this, and she was dating guys who saw it the same way. I could be making stuff up here, but even if her method is working, this is just weird to me as well.
Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]
to comment from what i've heard yes and no typically you went steady with the same guy it was rare that you date multiple men at the same time that's a more recent method at least from what i've always been taught. i can see where she sees this as a solution, especially if she's of a younger generation, but it's really not healthy or fair to the men she's dating or herself. it sounds like a possible self esteem or self worth issue.
[QUOTE]if she's extremly worried about having children perhaps she should look into adoption. there are many countries including the u.s. that allow single parent adoption, then she won't have to rush to find the right man, and the reality is that the right man will most likely accept the child if his goals (to have a family) are similar.
Posted by lanniab[/QUOTE]
Very good idea, however she is anti single parents that choose to do this on their own, ie adopt by themselves or go to a sperm bank by themselves. trust me, we've suggested these options to her and only been shot down.
My Bio - updated 26/3/2011
Just because she's combative and annoying doesn't mean you need to say anything back to her. Just refuse to argue and she'll get bored of you eventually.