What's your view on this dating method?

Hazel_B

This morning I was talking with a someone who is in the early stages of dating. I asked how her date on the weekend was and when she asked about my weekend I said that my BF and I celebrated 2 years together.  How over dinner we reviewed our past year and looked forward to what may happen in the upcoming year regarding next steps, ie. marriage.

I was essentially informed that what I was doing (having a conversation with BF about marriage, confirming we are still on the same page, talking about our time frame) was completely wrong. I was told that until I had a ring on my finger I should be keeping my options open, not investing as much emotionally and continue to date around.

I was in shock. I replied that since she'd been dating again she'd only been out with any guy a maximum of 4 dates that she should let me know how it goes when she was 2 or 3 good options past the 5 date stage beacause I don't think it'd be easy to do that juggling act. She then informed me that I wouldn't understand since I wasn't left by my FI about a month before the wedding.

I totally get that I can't understand things from her perspective, but I don't understand how she thinks it is okay to date around until someone proposes to her. She's looking for someone really traditional and I'm not sure that type of guy would be okay with this arrangement if they are fully aware of it.

GreenPepperBurger

Wait, so she's going to be dating several different people simultaneously until one of them proposes to her?

I...You know what, whatever floats her boat.

Good luck finding  a guy to propose to her when he finds out the mess she's pulling.

Hazel_B

GPB - My reaction as well. I'm not sure if she has considered how she'd feel if the guy was doing the same thing.

AbigailMS

Did you ask her how she would feel if someone were doing that to her, what if she had a son and someone was doing this to him. It's not behavior becoming of a woman, more like a selfish and hurt child. Poor men. 

heyimbren

That's different.

What I find weirder is that she flat out told you that you were doing it wrong.

I've kind of heard the opposite view from some people; that you shouldn't discuss marriage until you're engaged, but they didn't say it's because you should keep your options open.

Hazel_B

Abigail - I agree, I don't think she is over her former FI and what happened there. She is also so focused on marriage and children that I wonder if she thinks that this is her best option.

Hazel_B

Bren - She said that i was wrong because there was a part of the conversation that BF and I had that wasn't as easy as the rest. From there she basically said having these conversations was wrong and that I shouldn't be comitting myself as much that I'd care about the situation...blah blah blah

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_whats-this-dating-method?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a820058d-0f50-4dc6-9623-2ee0cc1dfc89Post:c370bfbc-cb41-4b4a-b0f7-c06fcfc070d5">Re: What's your view on this dating method?</a>:
[QUOTE]Bren - She said that i was wrong because there was a part of the conversation that BF and I had that wasn't as easy as the rest. From there she basically said having these conversations was wrong and that I shouldn't be comitting myself as much that I'd care about the situation...<strong>blah blah blah
</strong>Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]

I think the bolded part sums it up well ;)

Hazel_B

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_whats-this-dating-method?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a820058d-0f50-4dc6-9623-2ee0cc1dfc89Post:7e0fc21b-af3e-40d0-9b3a-be8ba89e18eb">Re: What's your view on this dating method?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What's your view on this dating method? : I think the bolded part sums it up well ;)
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

So true, it's just hard when she is the only similarly aged female in the office. Initially I really wanted to be friends because of that. I didn't think it be a problem, since I'm a pretty likeable person and easy to get along with. However, her crazy ideas make it a challenge.

loves2shop4shoes

What an odd outlook...  Maybe she needs therapy?

marleylikeair

Hmm. How old is she? I mean, this used to be how things went, right? About a million years ago, as an eligible young woman, you were supposed to go on various dates, but not have sex (or maybe even kiss), and wait for one of the guys to propose to you. I could maaaaayyyyyybe see this method being fine if that were the way she were going about this, and she was dating guys who saw it the same way.

I could be making stuff up here, but even if her method is working, this is just weird to me as well.

MrsCatfish

If this is how people approach dating...let's just say I'm not super surprised to see a pretty high divorce rate in this country.

Hazel_B

L2SFS - Yeah, we are in concensus here that therapy may have been a good idea for her, but there is no way you can tell this girl anything.

[Deleted User]

I would have pointed out that a proposal on the Maury show while DNA-testing 5 guys doesn't count!! SMH

Simply Fated

She then informed me that I wouldn't understand since I wasn't left by my FI about a month before the wedding.

It sounds like she got burned and is now trying to protect herself from getting hurt again.
Of course, this is only going to lead to her getting even more hurt.

One of my favorite lines from the movie French Kiss with Meg Ryan...
"I realised that I've spent most of my adult life trying to protect myself from exactly this situation. And you can't do it. There's no home safe enough, no relationship secure enough. You're setting yourself up for an even bigger fall and having an incredibly boring time in the process."

And it's so true.

And, yes, I can predict that if a guy did this to her, she'd be pissed. Very hypocritical.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_whats-this-dating-method?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a820058d-0f50-4dc6-9623-2ee0cc1dfc89Post:c0416def-d016-41a7-8097-ef577dc41072">Re: What's your view on this dating method?</a>:
[QUOTE]What an odd outlook...  Maybe she needs therapy?
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

I second this.  It really truly honestly sounds like she has not gotten over what her ex did to her - which is understandable to say the least.  I couldn't imagine planning a wedding and a month before my fiance leaves me.  I think she definitely needs to see a therapist or...well....maybe she just needs to get the dating scene out of her system.  She just needs to be aware that there is no way a man will propose when she's seeing other men.

PaigeMcC

Hazel, you're friend has a skewed sense of reality.  If I was dating someone, and thought they were the person I was going to marry - I would NEVER want them dating someone else.  That's effed up, b'y.

Ember01

Ok... I have a broken engagement in my past, and I will say that I was very reluctant to get back into the dating scene. I dated (as in once or twice) with a couple of guys, but I knew I wasn't ready for anything serious. Then when I met a guy who really wanted a relationship, I made him wait a year before I agreed to be exclusive (I wasn't dating anyone else, I just didn't want the title of girlfriend). And, I told him that the relationship has for fun. I didn't want to marry him and when the fun was over, the relationship was also. And, about 3 months after that, I called it quits with him. 2 months later, I met K and I knew at that point that he was the one that I wanted.

I think once she heals from the broken engagement AND finds the right guy her opinions will change. It has taken me 5 years to be ready to get married since my broken engagement.

jeanacorina

Just tell her you're glad she is having a good time dating and is secure in her decisions. You are glad to be monogamous and are secure in your own decision. Wish her the best of luck, and then change the subject.

Hazel_B

Ember - I think you are totally right about it taking time to heal for her. The problem is she wants to speed everything up. She thinks 2 years is enough, which I'm not convinced of, and she wants marriage and kids pretty quick because she's in her early 30s and the clock is ticking in her mind.

I keep telling her that there are worst things in life than being single and not to rush things, but she sees it more as there is nothing worse than to not have children and she needs to get a move on.

I try to stay out of it as much as possible, it's just hard to watch sometimes when you know some of the decisions she is making could result in more heartbreak.

Jeana - You are so right, but it is hard to do sometimes with her because she can become combative when people don't agree.

calindi

This is rather antiquated... my father said something similar to me in high school, about not putting blinders on to what else is out there while I dated one guy, but I think in high school it's usually better to date casually anyway (note I said *usually* for all you high school sweethearts), and get to know many people, so you know what you eventually want.

Yeah, I think she needs some help.  And I think it's better to talk about these things so you can work out any small differences of opinion before they become bigger issues.

MLekathLEEN

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_whats-this-dating-method?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a820058d-0f50-4dc6-9623-2ee0cc1dfc89Post:cba54bad-db1a-4e3b-9eb0-87969342851d">Re: What's your view on this dating method?</a>:
[QUOTE]This is rather antiquated... my father said something similar to me in high school, about not putting blinders on to what else is out there while I dated one guy, but I think in high school it's usually better to date casually anyway (note<strong> I said *usually* for all you high school sweethearts</strong>), and get to know many people, so you know what you eventually want. Yeah, I think she needs some help.  And I think it's better to talk about these things so you can work out any small differences of opinion before they become bigger issues.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]


WHATTTTT! Actually, I was casually dating FI and another guy when we first started dating. We weren't "official" yet so I saw no big deal in it. FI and the other guy weren't happy when they found out but FI decided to stick around and make it "official"

lanniab

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_whats-this-dating-method?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a820058d-0f50-4dc6-9623-2ee0cc1dfc89Post:f3cbf480-5e4d-44c0-b18b-6d411e4650fb">Re: What's your view on this dating method?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hmm. How old is she? I mean, this used to be how things went, right? About a million years ago, as an eligible young woman, you were supposed to go on various dates, but not have sex (or maybe even kiss), and wait for one of the guys to propose to you. I could maaaaayyyyyybe see this method being fine if that were the way she were going about this, and she was dating guys who saw it the same way. I could be making stuff up here, but even if her method is working, this is just weird to me as well.
Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]
to comment from what i've heard yes and no typically you went steady with the same guy it was rare that you date multiple men at the same time that's a more recent method at least from what i've always been taught. i can see where she sees this as a solution, especially if she's of a younger generation, but it's really not healthy or fair to the men she's dating or herself. it sounds like a possible self esteem  or self worth issue.

lanniab

if she's extremly worried about having children perhaps she should look into adoption. there are many countries including the u.s. that allow single parent adoption, then she won't have to rush to find the right man, and the reality is that the right man will most likely accept the child if his goals (to have a family) are similar.

Hazel_B

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_whats-this-dating-method?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a820058d-0f50-4dc6-9623-2ee0cc1dfc89Post:b5e6ffa2-0fdd-480e-b6dc-a9028d355511">Re: What's your view on this dating method?</a>:
[QUOTE]if she's extremly worried about having children perhaps she should look into adoption. there are many countries including the u.s. that allow single parent adoption, then she won't have to rush to find the right man, and the reality is that the right man will most likely accept the child if his goals (to have a family) are similar.
Posted by lanniab[/QUOTE]

Very good idea, however she is anti single parents that choose to do this on their own, ie adopt by themselves or go to a sperm bank by themselves. trust me, we've suggested these options to her and only been shot down.

jeanacorina

I understand some folks are naturally combative, but that doesn't affect my advice. You shouldn't judge her love life and she shouldn't judge yours. It's a very personal thing and different methods work for different individuals.

Just because she's combative and annoying doesn't mean you need to say anything back to her. Just refuse to argue and she'll get bored of you eventually.

joiner521

Let her be a hoochie and you enjoy your life. Sounds like she is jealous.