Any Advice

Dirtybella1 · January 2014

Good Afternoon Ladies! I hope everyone is having a good week so far. I just wanted to ask for any advice.....tomorrow I'm moving in with my bf. I have been living alone for a little over 3 years so I'm a little anxious. Any tips on how to make things go as smooth as possible? Ideas on things that should be discussed up front, etc? TIA!

Dignity100 · January 2014

Remember to close the door when you're in the bathroom now (just kidding, but you probably will want to do that).

cu97tiger · January 2014

Are you moving into his place or are you moving into a new place together? Have conversations about how you'll make it your shared space, what decorations will be put up on walls, where your favorite bookcase can go, etc.

Don't expect it to be easy. There will be an adjustment period on both of your parts.

Have ice cream on hand at all times.

minskat30 · January 2014

First of all, congrats! I would discuss distribution of chores and how bills are going to be paid upfront. Do you guys know what funiture you are using and what you are throwing away/donating? Be prepared to compromise (as should he) on some things.

How often do you guys spend the night at each other's houses now? Moving in with H was actually pretty easy for the most part but he had been living at my place about 4-6 or so nights a week before that.

melmac86 · January 2014

Have you guys already talked about the big things, like splitting bills and sharing responsibilities?

I guess my biggest piece of advice would be to make sure you make an effort to carve out personal, alone time each week (or however often you feel necessary). When I lived with ex-BF, the routines and always knowing/expecting the other person would be there really took a toll. For my own sanity at the time, I wish I would've picked up a hobby that involved me doing something outside of the house. It gets easy to wake up, go to work, come home, make dinner, go to bed and repeat.

Along with that, I would suggest regular date nights too. Just because you live together, doesn't mean you should stop doing/trying new things every once in a while.

Good luck with the move!

Dirtybella1 · January 2014

@cu97tiger we're moving into a new place together

@minskat30 Right now we spend about 4-5 nights a week together. So I'm hoping that will help but he's usually at my place so I don't know how different it will be in a shared space.

phira · January 2014

Congrats!!

I moved in with my partner after we'd been together about 10 months, and we moved into a new place together. We were terrified that it would be hard to live together, since everyone kept warning us that there'd be lots of fights, but it's been very easy. We were spending about 4-5 nights a week together, too; I think after a certain point, you kind of know what to expect from a person.

One thing that's worked well for us is that there are some chores that each of us REALLY hates doing. So the other one almost always does it. I hate taking out the trash, and he hates cleaning the bathroom, for example.

I think that after living together for a bit, you should sit down and discuss what's working and what's not in terms of keeping the apartment clean. There were some things that REALLY irritated my partner--he can't stand when I leave dishes on the counter, and he hates finding Splenda packets in front of the Keurig. Meanwhile, I can't stand when he leaves dishes on the coffee table, and I hate when he leaves used tissues everywhere (note: we have a parakeet, so the tissues everything thing is constant because we're cleaning up after the bird). We each try to be mindful of what really bothers the other person, and forgiving when the other person does something that bothers us.

You're going to have different standards of cleanliness. This has meant that when it's time to clean the apartment, I'm the one who's going to have to do the bulk of the cleaning. My partner is pretty good at cleaning the kitchen (although he's not as thorough as I am), but he gets overwhelmed in the living room and the bedroom because a lot of the mess is my stuff, and he doesn't know where I want it. I also like when surfaces are dusted, and he really doesn't care at all, so if I want the place dusted, I'm dusting.

Meanwhile, I am The Worst at putting laundry away. If my partner wants his laundry put away within, oh, two weeks of doing laundry, he does it himself.

Basically, when it comes down to it, if we want the other person to clean or do a chore, then we accept that the chore will get done by their standards. And if the mess is mostly one person's, that person needs to clean.

Finally, it is OKAY and normal to want time for yourself. We each have TV shows that we watch when we're alone, and sometimes, I'll take my computer into the bedroom for some Bones while he listens to Doctor Who audios in the living room. It's completely normal to need time completely alone, and it's honestly even more important when you live together than when you lived apart.

beanbot2002 · January 2014

Dignity100 said:

Remember to close the door when you're in the bathroom now (just kidding, but you probably will want to do that).

pfffft! Negatory! Been pissin (and some times shitting) with the door open since the day he moved in. Best way to get to know someone. Heh.

Blackbird230 · January 2014

I'm going to be going through this in a few months. Pretty much, talk finances and how everything will be split. Make sure it's as balanced as possible and works for both of you.

GoldenPenguin · January 2014

I moved in with my BF after 6ish months, after living on my own for 2.5 years. I moved into his apartment first, and then we moved into a new place about four months later.

I was nervous about getting enough "me" time, but we are really good about it. I make time to do things with my friends, and we also will split up to watch TV or read sometimes (one of us in the living room, one in the bedroom).

We're pretty similar with cleaning and cooking, so we'll take turns - one of us will cook, the other will clean, and vice versa. We both tend to be kind of cluttery, so that can get bad from time-to-time, but we're trying to be better. He definitely does things that drive me crazy (like not rinsing his dishes before leaving them in the sink or putting them in the dishwasher, or taking out the garbage but not replacing the bag), but I know I do things that drive him crazy (like leaving seltzer cans everywhere and turning the heat down on him, haha).

It was a way better transition than I thought it was going to be. We haven't had any major fights - and we totally pee with the door open.

The one thing we DO have to try harder at is not getting into a lazy routine - we keep getting into ruts where we'll just come home, watch TV, and both be playing on our phones or whatever. We institute "no phone nights" every so often, but we need to do it more.

All-in-all, I LOVE living with my BF, and I wouldn't change a thing. (Well, except maybe getting him to rinse his damn dishes. haha.)

Good luck!!

Blue & White · January 2014

Also, if you're a slob like me, you should pick up your stuff occasionally so that he sticks around

^--that probably only applies to a few people. I just suck at cleaning. I did clean the toilets today though, so I mean, small things here. I clean the bathrooms and kitchen, he picks up after my slobbiness. Truth be told, our place is a mess due to the whole moving thing at the moment.

SarahA519 · January 2014

Moving in with my now husband was one of the most challenging things I have ever done. We had been together exactly one year at that point, were in our late 20s/early 30s, and had each lived alone for a few years... and we're both stubborn. Because you have been living alone, there may be a bit of adjustment. And I say that after being in the exact same place as you.

Before moving in together, we spent most of the time at his apartment. Because we were always at his place, I guess I had subconsciously gone along with the way he liked things because it wasn't my home (although it felt like it most of the time). When we moved into our joint apartment, which was new to both of us, I spoke up. -- No, I didn't like the dishcloth on the counter constantly. No, I didn't like to let pans dry on the stove. No, wearing socks was not a substitute for sweeping. -- It was a wake up call for him and for me. It was miserable. He was shocked that I would change the way "we" did things for so long, and I was shocked I had to fight for any compromise. Since the situation is flipped for you (he spent more time at your place), I would just be open to letting him have his say and come up with ways to do things/chores that both of you are happy with.

I'm just very honest with my experience because it really suprised me and I had never heard someone say that moving in together was miserable. But I think it helps to hear someone say that so, if you go through the same thing, you know it's normal and you can work through it with good communication.

It all worked out. We got engaged 6 months after we moved in together (so we didn't end up hating each other forever) and we're now married. The fights we had when we first moved in together helped cement our relationship (even though it really didn't feel that way at the time).

And I echo what @melmac86 said. Make time for you alone. It's hard to share space with someone constantly. There are times I ask my H "um, don't you have any friends you could visit?" He gets the hint

I swear there should be a support group for this...

Good luck. It's an exciting time!!!

phira · January 2014

@SarahA519 I think you have REALLY good advice. When you're staying the night at a significant other's place, you're a guest at their place (even if you're a guest who can lounge around naked). You don't have a say in the organization of their fridge or where they store their linens. When you live together, a lot of things become joint decisions just because both of you have a way of doing things.

I also think it's important to keep in mind that things aren't tit for tat. Because of my partner's OCD, there are a lot of things that I don't mind that he does mind--the bird is allowed to have water or juice out of my cup, but not his; if we order a pizza and it arrives cold, we have to find something else for him to eat; and even though I don't care if he uses the toilet while I'm showering, he won't, and I'm not allowed to use it while he's showering. He brought fish with him when we moved in together, and I brought my bird ... I NEVER deal with the fish ever, but my partner is usually the one who cleans the bird cage and puts fresh seed in. He never gives me shit for not dealing with the fish.

Dignity100 · January 2014

beanbot2002 said:

Dignity100 said:

Remember to close the door when you're in the bathroom now (just kidding, but you probably will want to do that).

pfffft! Negatory! Been pissin (and some times shitting) with the door open since the day he moved in. Best way to get to know someone. Heh.

LOL - I have 2 large dogs , so if I don't shut the door I end up with a cold nose touching my legs/lap!

This is what this thread reminded me of:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yv_uwzlpx4A

ShallowSeas · January 2014

FI and I moved in together after only dating for 2 months. He had never lived with an SO before so I made sure we talked about moving in together before it happened. The most important things we discussed were:

Who would do what around the house/apartment (chores)
How we were splitting the bills
Who would be in charge of making sure the bills were paid on time
How we were going to put our money together to pay things (write the person in charge of paying them a check? get a joint bank account? Hand them cash when its due?)
Expectations

mbross3 · January 2014

I moved in with my boyfriend after dating for exactly one year and we both moved to a new state together a month later as I was starting law school. Lots of big changes at once!

Because I was going back to school I felt like I needed to have a space to study at home, we ended up looking for a 2 bedroom apartment so I could have an office. We ended up with a town house with 2 bedrooms and a finished basement. We agreed that I could do whatever I wanted with the spare bedroom (office) and he could do whatever he wanted with the rec room in the basement (man cave). We both obviously use both spaces, but it was nice to know there was somewhere I could close the door and have my own space if I needed. Not saying everyone needs this, but I had never lived with an SO before and I'm used to having my own space. It's good to recognize that need and not be offended if your SO needs a little space sometimes too.

We also divide up the chores based on what each of us prefers. Basically I do all the the dishes everyday because I HATE when dirty dishes are just left in the sink for a few days. Cannot stand it! BF doesn't care and would just leave them. So I do the dishes and clean the kitchen and he takes out the garbage and cleans the toilets every couple weeks. I probably end up doing more of the chores, but that doesn't bother me since I'm doing the ones I prefer to do.

Just remember that communication is the most important thing. As close as you are with your SO he can't read your mind. It took me a long time to realize that things that are obvious to me just aren't necessarily clear to my BF.

Good luck!

logana1 · January 2014

I know I'm late to the party here, but FI and I have been living together for three years, got engaged after living together for two. When we first moved in together, we decided it would be better to get a brand new place, so it's not one of us creating space for the other.

Our biggest argument in the beginning was he didn't like my cat sitting on the coffee table. So I told him if he can train her not to, go for it.

My biggest suggestion is every day will not be sunshine and rainbows. You will have crabby days and so will he. You will fight about socks on the floor and cupboards being left open, as a possible example. (My forehead is cupboard corner height and that's his biggest bad habit...ouch!!)

Assigning chores works well, but understand he will need "me time" too and he will do it his own way. Do laundry together, he might put something in the dryer that is lay flat or accidentally wash your tights in hot water making them small enough to fit a barbie doll.

Ask first before inviting guests over. He might be tired and having a friend stop by might not be ideal for him at that moment and vice versa.

Date night in can be just as fun as date night out. Once in a blue moon, we will pull out our inflatable mattress, set it up in the living room, make a big bowl of popcorn with other various snacks, a bottle of wine or two, lots of pillows and blankets and have a movie marathon in the privacy of our own home.

Never under estimate the power of "Hi hunny" followed by a hug and a kiss after coming home from work. Can improve your day greatly

Good luck!!

Shiroyasha · January 2014

All of the ladies above have given great advice.

Learning to live together was a huge thing for BF and I. I had to learn that my space was no longer my own and I had to share. We had to figure out our finances. Since we live in a one bedroom, we had to learn how to respect each other in close quarters. Finding space to cool off after an argument was difficult. I have to remember to pick up after myself, since I tend to be a bit of a slob. We had to learn how to handle the animals.

Like the other ladies said, staying over at an SO's is very different from living together. The nice thing is you two are moving into a new place together, so it's a clean slate for both of you.

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