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VENT. Is. This. Real. Life.

thelastdreamerthelastdreamer member
500 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer First Anniversary
edited January 2014 in Snarky Brides
This summer I am in two weddings for friends from high school. I have to fly out of state (to New Hampshire from Arizona) for both of them. The weddings are only a few days apart in August, but far enough where I have to make two flights because I can't take off work the entire between time. I didn't mind this at all when I agreed to be in their weddings because they are both good friends and it was worth the time and money to me. Unfortunately, both of these sweet, wonderful, demure girls seem to have utterly lost their minds when it comes to being brides. Sigh.

Wedding #1:
- We are not allowed to bring plus ones (yes, this includes the fiancees of two bridesmaids, including myself) because the guest list is "too tight"
- Is at a mealtime with no meal
- Will have a honeyfund jar
- Will have a traditional head table with no dates (for those in the BP lucky enough to have their dates invited)
- Has been grossly over invited (230 invited, venue holds 180)
- Will be outdoor on one of the hottest days of the year, even up north
- No budget or preferences asked for dress

Wedding #2
- Bride's sister is the MOH but she texted me and told me she was "honoring" me with being an honorary MOH because she needed someone to help her sister plan her parties and participate in MOH duties
- No budget or preferences asked for dress
- Created a Facebook page for the bridal party and gets irritated if we don't participate on it
- Cash bar
- Guests will write their addresses on envelopes for thank yous
- At mealtime with just apps and the cash bar
- Announces EVERYTHING about the wedding and planning on Facebook
- Regularly texts BMS expectations about bach party, bridal shower, etc. Says she needs three bach parties for different groups.

I know there's nothing to do but grin and bear it. I agreed to be in them and it's not worth the friendships to me to throw a fit. I'm just banking that once they're done being brides they'll go back to sanity. I tried gently to bring up etiquette to both at different points and both were totally unreceptive so I'm throwing in the towel and sitting back to watch this unfold.


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Re: VENT. Is. This. Real. Life.

  • JMalettasJMalettas member
    500 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
     What you're doing, vs what you'd probably like to do, is decent of you! I could go on about how completely ridiculous these girls are being, but I'm sensing you fully get that! (Lol). I had a friend, somewhat recently, turn into a crazy person during this whole process as well. She bounced back from it post wedding, but some of her BMs 'still' talk of the whole ordeal! 

     Good luck to you! 

     *J

     
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  • cupcait927cupcait927 member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    My bff turned into a crazy person during her wedding plan but nothing like what you've described! I went along with it because I knew that once the wedding was over, she'd snap back to her normal self. I give you all the credit in the world to go through this insanity not once, but TWICE, in such a short amount of time. They'll realize their mistakes soon enough and if they don't, hopefully someone else will learn from it. Good luck and we're here if you need to vent again!
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  • Simky906Simky906 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited January 2014
    I'm so sorry your friends have gone temporarily (hopefully!) insane! I don't have any helpful advice to offer, so just breathe and be thankful that almost an entire continent separates you from the crazy.
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  • Simky906Simky906 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Also, here is something cute to look at when you can't take it anymore!
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I would definitely not be participating in or attending Wedding #1. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    banana468 said:
    You CAN do something besides grin and bear it. Remember, no one can make you do things without your consent. The deal breaker for wedding #1 for me is not being able to invite your FI. How can this friend expect you to honor her relationship when she refuses to honor yours? I would have had a serious chat with her about how no plane ticket wild be purchased if she expected me to come alone. Wedding #2- you don't spend money without your consent. That means you say your budget is X and girlfriend gets 1 effing bachelorette. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.
    Especially when this friend apparently hand picked which members of the BP could bring dates!

    "- Will have a traditional head table with no dates (for those in the BP lucky enough to have their dates invited)"

    I applaud those of you who take the high road, but I have to wonder.....how is it OK for you all to do so when your friend does not take the same friendship into consideration?  I also think this is what happens when self-entitled brides say, "Well, it's OK for me to (insert insanity here) because not one of my friends has complained.  If my nearest and dearest are OK with it...........
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  • Fran1985 Fran1985 member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    No way would I attend 1. You don't have to grin and bear it. You don't have to be a doormat for this girl.

    image
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    HisGirlFriday13 said:

    banana468 said:

    Personally, @mobkaz, I think declining to attend IS taking the high road.


    My relationship with my husband takes priority over almost every other relationship I have.  I don't think a marriage works if you put your spouse second to friends. 
    This. Except that I would say 'every other.' No 'almost' about it. My relationship with my husband takes precedence over every other relationship in my life, with the possible exception of God.

    But it absolutely takes precedence over every relationship I have with another physical person, and I would NEVER allow him and our relationship to be disrespected the way OP's friend wants to disrespect her friends.

    I'd straight-up say, 'I'm sorry, but I won't allow you to treat my FI that way, so neither of us will be coming. Now you have more room on your guest list '

    For the second bride, I'd have a come-to-Jesus with her about what the realities are vs. what her expectations are. Three b-parties? Hell to the no.
    @hisgirlfriday, my "almost" was because of my relationship with God. There isn't another person that takes priority but without Him, I wouldn't have the union with my husband that I do.
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  • KPBM89KPBM89 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer First Anniversary
    Both sound terrible. I would personally decline and take the money that would've been spent on the two roundtrip flights to those weddings and instead use it for two roundtrip flights to go somewhere with FI.
    image


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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    @banana468 I figured that, but didn't want to assume to speak for you! :)

    I'm the same way; nothing is as important as my relationship with DH except my relationship with God, because my relationship with God is why I have my relationship with DH.

    And DH is the same way; it's why our faith is so important to our marriage.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • vt&dtvt&dt member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    OP, I would echo the PPs suggesting you decline to attend, or at least decline to be in the BP.

    You don't have to be treated this way.  Your FI doesn't need to be treated that way, either.  I wouldn't spend a dime (or a minute of free time) being in someone's bridal party that showed such lack of consideration for you and the other girls.

    I'd call the bride or meet her one-on-one and explain that you can't/won't stand in her wedding because of the reasons you posted, and that you likely wouldn't attend as a guest if your FI wasn't also invited.  She then could have a chance to repair some of the damage she's done to your friendship... I bet the other BMs feel the same way and you speaking up might give bride-zilla a reality check.
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  • jenniferursjenniferurs member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    mobkaz said:


    banana468 said:

    You CAN do something besides grin and bear it. Remember, no one can make you do things without your consent.

    The deal breaker for wedding #1 for me is not being able to invite your FI. How can this friend expect you to honor her relationship when she refuses to honor yours? I would have had a serious chat with her about how no plane ticket wild be purchased if she expected me to come alone.

    Wedding #2- you don't spend money without your consent. That means you say your budget is X and girlfriend gets 1 effing bachelorette.

    Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

    Especially when this friend apparently hand picked which members of the BP could bring dates!

    "- Will have a traditional head table with no dates (for those in the BP lucky enough to have their dates invited)"

    I applaud those of you who take the high road, but I have to wonder.....how is it OK for you all to do so when your friend does not take the same friendship into consideration?  I also think this is what happens when self-entitled brides say, "Well, it's OK for me to (insert insanity here) because not one of my friends has complained.  If my nearest and dearest are OK with it...........


    Personally, I'm simply not offended if my FI isn't invited to everything that I am. Is it unfortunate and would I prefer for him to be there? Absolutely. But I don't expect my boss to invite my fiancé to office parties, so why would I expect someone who may or may not know him to invite him to their wedding, in lieu of someone else they actually know and may want there more? I think there are many circumstances in life where couples do things separately. I know if my fiancé has a guys night, I'm not going to be invited, and that's okay. Couples don't have to be invited to everything together, IMO. So my personal views on that are what would allow me to continue to be friends with someone who didn't extend an invitation to my fiancé. Because as much as I put my relationship with my fiancé first, above all else, I don't necessarily think that means doing any and everything together and I won't fault someone for prioritizing differently than I might. It's one of the most important days of their lives and if they'd rather spend it surrounded by people they actually know and are close to rather than my fiancé, so be it. I'll have plenty of other Saturday nights to spend with him.
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    @jenniferurs, I respect what you're saying when you say that there are other Saturdays you can spend with FI and people want to celebrate with people they know. But... a) This isn't proper behavior and even if you don't care, other people will be offended and the person neglecting etiquette will never learn. b) This isn't your flavor-of-the-month, it's your future husband. People who are important to you deserve the respect of being invited to something as important as a wedding. 

    OP, you may want to explain to Friend #1 that you feel hurt that your FI was not invited (if you do, I'm not trying to put words in your mouth). Ask how she would feel if you invited her to your wedding without her husband. I would be gentle and respectful when broaching the topic; given the numbers you put in there maybe she's pressured to invite many more people than she really wants to or can afford. On the plus side, at least you'll be busy with so many duties that it's not worth having him there anyway if he won't know many other people there. Maybe he doesn't even want to attend this shitshow, lol. 

    P.S. If there is no meal then why is there a head table?  
    ________________________________


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  • jenniferursjenniferurs member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    @thisismynickname, oh I know. I wasn't prescribing it as an accepted course of action or in keeping with etiquette. I was just answering the question of how people can continue to be friends with people who commit that kind of etiquette faux-pas. And at the end of the day, I just don't find it to be big enough of a deal to freak out over.
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  • Cheetah2BCheetah2B member
    100 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    thelastdreamer said:

    - Guests will write their addresses on envelopes for thank yous

    OMG what is going on with this?! I wonder if Bride #2 just joined another site I'm on. We had a bride list the stuff on a table she's setting up, and that's one of them. A few other brides chimed in and said it's the norm for them, too!

    What the hell? I'll say what I said there. You already have my address(I got an invite, remember?!), I already sent you a card(there's my addy again!). I'm not going to write my address out so you can stick photo cards of yourselves in it, with not even any personal signatures on it, so that all you have to do is lick it, stick it, and drop it in the mail.

    Just.No.

    That totally sucks about the dresses thing. Kinda stupid IMO. Good luck with it!
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  • thelastdreamerthelastdreamer member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer First Anniversary
    It's not so much that I'm afraid to stand up for myself, more just than I don't see the point in trying. I've broached different aspects of their weddings with both women and hit walls. I know if I keep pushing it, it could end up being friendship ending. Are both events extremely rude? Heck to the yes. But ultimately I've been friends with both of these girls for a really long time and I'm choosing to focus on the 6+ years of good things they've done for me rather than the one day of really awful things they're planning. Also, I know this isn't an excuse for their awful behavior since I've tried to tell them, but I also think both of them genuinely don't realize how rude a lot of the things they're planning are. Still their fault, of course. If they are still psycho post wedding when they're done living in their bride fantasy, then that'll be the end of it. But for now I've decided to give some benefit of the doubt and try to hold my tongue. 

    I'm still pondering what you and @HisGirlFriday13 said about the level of disrespect to FI and I's relationship being a reason to back out of wedding #1, I 100% agree that my relationship with FI is second to none except God. Now I'm leaning toward calling bride #1, explaining why what she's doing is extremely offensive and hurtful and telling her unless she's willing to rethink, I can't be in her BP.

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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Just take what @hisgirlfriday said and pretend I said it.
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  • thelastdreamerthelastdreamer member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer First Anniversary
    Ok, so Bride #1 and I had a long (like two hour) chat last night. What resulted is the following:

    1) She apologized for being rude and not inviting FI, and said that she would extend an invitation to him and the other BM who is engaged. 
    2) When I told her that per etiquette, everyone in a relationship needed to be invited, she got really defensive and mad and said she was inviting people in groups and if they had friends or family at the wedding then they didn't get to bring their SO. I explained to her why this was rude, etc. etc. but she said she didn't have room and if people got offended maybe they wouldn't come and that would help her over inviting problem, which brings me to
    3) The over inviting is worse than I realized. They're inviting 320 to a venue that holds 180. They also have a B list of about 30 people. I tried to explain why B listing is rude and she told me that the people know they are on the B list and will only be invited if there is space so it's fine. 


    I ... just ... can't ... Ugh. Since FI is now invited, I think I've died on my hill and am going to take a nap. She actually handled the conversation better than expected, I think mostly because I tried to keep it really light and stuff.
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  • easilyunamusedeasilyunamused member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    All of that is just nasty, but I always think that it is so funny that the brides who can't afford to invite SOs/have cash bars/have general rude ideas to save themselves the money cause "GUISE I'M PAYING FOR MY OWN WEDDING" never think to ask the bridal party what they can afford for the wardrobe. 
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    thelastdreamer said:
    Ok, so Bride #1 and I had a long (like two hour) chat last night. What resulted is the following:

    1) She apologized for being rude and not inviting FI, and said that she would extend an invitation to him and the other BM who is engaged. 
    2) When I told her that per etiquette, everyone in a relationship needed to be invited, she got really defensive and mad and said she was inviting people in groups and if they had friends or family at the wedding then they didn't get to bring their SO. I explained to her why this was rude, etc. etc. but she said she didn't have room and if people got offended maybe they wouldn't come and that would help her over inviting problem, which brings me to
    3) The over inviting is worse than I realized. They're inviting 320 to a venue that holds 180. They also have a B list of about 30 people. I tried to explain why B listing is rude and she told me that the people know they are on the B list and will only be invited if there is space so it's fine. 


    I ... just ... can't ... Ugh. Since FI is now invited, I think I've died on my hill and am going to take a nap. She actually handled the conversation better than expected, I think mostly because I tried to keep it really light and stuff.
    With all her other inconsiderate planning, my guess is that she will have a traditional wedding party table that excludes seating of the S/O's.  If I were you, I would bring along a folding chair.  You can use it to squeeze FI in at your head wedding party table.  Odds are that he won't have a table, let alone a chair.  (And as insane as it sounds, this stuff happens.)
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