Wedding Etiquette Forum

Favors

24

Re: Favors

  • Jen4948 said:
    I definitely prefer your edit.  It warms my heart.
    Thank you.  I just wanted you to understand that that mindset of trying to pre-empt gift giving and getting people to donate to charity instead ain't cool at all-whether it's for a wedding or any other time.

    It just doesn't pass etiquette or gracious muster.
    I'm glad you enjoy my sarcasm.


    It warms my heart.
  •      I'm not doing favors. It's a easy budget item to cut and I don't want to be that fussy. I don't actually remember, nor do I keep any favors from any wedding's I've gone to. 

       If someone does to favors, I enjoy the consumable one's, such as hershey kisses or cupcaes, more than a random wine glass with the couples name and date on it. 
  • @jen4948

    I will say this though. I 110% completely understand why it is AW-y to do it at a wedding, since favors are not required at all.

    But I will never understand a person and would choose not to be friends with someone who was an adult and got offended by not receiving a Christmas gift because I chose to donate my money to a charity over buying them a giftcard.   
    sexy, harry styles, best song ever, cute, beautiful, asdjglñlñ, marcel
  • @jen4948

    I will say this though. I 110% completely understand why it is AW-y to do it at a wedding, since favors are not required at all.

    But I will never understand a person and would choose not to be friends with someone who was an adult and got offended by not receiving a Christmas gift because I chose to donate my money to a charity over buying them a giftcard.   
    No sarcasm intended here: 

    I don't think anyone would be offended or would choose not to be friends with such a person.  It just isn't a gracious or selfless thought to verbalize.  Besides, there is an old saying that charity begins at home.  So it seems to me that making a friend or close relative happy, even by accepting an unwanted gift from them and then donating it, comes off much nicer then "Take the money you would have spent on me and donate it instead."
  • Jen4948 said:
    @jen4948

    I will say this though. I 110% completely understand why it is AW-y to do it at a wedding, since favors are not required at all.

    But I will never understand a person and would choose not to be friends with someone who was an adult and got offended by not receiving a Christmas gift because I chose to donate my money to a charity over buying them a giftcard.   
    No sarcasm intended here: 

    I don't think anyone would be offended or would choose not to be friends with such a person.  It just isn't a gracious or selfless thought to verbalize.  Besides, there is an old saying that charity begins at home.  So it seems to me that making a friend or close relative happy, even by accepting an unwanted gift from them and then donating it, comes off much nicer then "Take the money you would have spent on me and donate it instead."
    I said "take the money you would have spent on me and do something nice for yourself or you can donate it of course."


    sexy, harry styles, best song ever, cute, beautiful, asdjglñlñ, marcel
  • Jen4948 said:
    @jen4948

    I will say this though. I 110% completely understand why it is AW-y to do it at a wedding, since favors are not required at all.

    But I will never understand a person and would choose not to be friends with someone who was an adult and got offended by not receiving a Christmas gift because I chose to donate my money to a charity over buying them a giftcard.   
    No sarcasm intended here: 

    I don't think anyone would be offended or would choose not to be friends with such a person.  It just isn't a gracious or selfless thought to verbalize.  Besides, there is an old saying that charity begins at home.  So it seems to me that making a friend or close relative happy, even by accepting an unwanted gift from them and then donating it, comes off much nicer then "Take the money you would have spent on me and donate it instead."
    I said "take the money you would have spent on me and do something nice for yourself or you can donate it of course."


    This still comes off as very ungracious, because you're suggesting that there is nothing they can do for you personally that you will appreciate (aside from the issues of you telling them what to do with their own unspent money).  I'm sure by know they know not to give you gifts, but I'd lose the whole line.
  • Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    @jen4948

    I will say this though. I 110% completely understand why it is AW-y to do it at a wedding, since favors are not required at all.

    But I will never understand a person and would choose not to be friends with someone who was an adult and got offended by not receiving a Christmas gift because I chose to donate my money to a charity over buying them a giftcard.   
    No sarcasm intended here: 

    I don't think anyone would be offended or would choose not to be friends with such a person.  It just isn't a gracious or selfless thought to verbalize.  Besides, there is an old saying that charity begins at home.  So it seems to me that making a friend or close relative happy, even by accepting an unwanted gift from them and then donating it, comes off much nicer then "Take the money you would have spent on me and donate it instead."
    I said "take the money you would have spent on me and do something nice for yourself or you can donate it of course."


    This still comes off as very ungracious, because you're suggesting that there is nothing they can do for you personally that you will appreciate (aside from the issues of you telling them what to do with their own unspent money).  I'm sure by know they know not to give you gifts, but I'd lose the whole line.
    Obviously.  It's not like I had to say it after the first year. 

    And again, I must just be a different type of person, because I would be MUCH more offended if someone would receive a gift from me and just give it away. then just being up front and honest about their intentions.

    But I guess certain people prefer the idea that ignorance is bliss.
    sexy, harry styles, best song ever, cute, beautiful, asdjglñlñ, marcel
  • Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    @jen4948

    I will say this though. I 110% completely understand why it is AW-y to do it at a wedding, since favors are not required at all.

    But I will never understand a person and would choose not to be friends with someone who was an adult and got offended by not receiving a Christmas gift because I chose to donate my money to a charity over buying them a giftcard.   
    No sarcasm intended here: 

    I don't think anyone would be offended or would choose not to be friends with such a person.  It just isn't a gracious or selfless thought to verbalize.  Besides, there is an old saying that charity begins at home.  So it seems to me that making a friend or close relative happy, even by accepting an unwanted gift from them and then donating it, comes off much nicer then "Take the money you would have spent on me and donate it instead."
    I said "take the money you would have spent on me and do something nice for yourself or you can donate it of course."


    This still comes off as very ungracious, because you're suggesting that there is nothing they can do for you personally that you will appreciate (aside from the issues of you telling them what to do with their own unspent money).  I'm sure by know they know not to give you gifts, but I'd lose the whole line.
    Obviously.  It's not like I had to say it after the first year. 

    And again, I must just be a different type of person, because I would be MUCH more offended if someone would receive a gift from me and just give it away. then just being up front and honest about their intentions.

    But I guess certain people prefer the idea that ignorance is bliss.
    Sarcasm or no, sometimes this can be very hurtful-especially when you give the impression that no matter how hard someone tries, you will be unpleasable.
  • We did a donation in lieu of favors to honor a friend of mine who passed away. I included that information for people so they knew and I'm sure no one at my wedding was an asshole enough to think badly about our donation. We did have a candy bar, cigar bar and photo booth so if people were truly offended there were other things that could be seen as wedding favors.
    Photobucket
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited January 2014
    ColeRose said:
    We did a donation in lieu of favors to honor a friend of mine who passed away. I included that information for people so they knew and I'm sure no one at my wedding was an asshole enough to think badly about our donation. We did have a candy bar, cigar bar and photo booth so if people were truly offended there were other things that could be seen as wedding favors.
    While I'm sure no one was an asshole enough to think badly about your donation, it was still not appropriate to do it "in lieu of favors."  You were not required to give favors, but you could have made the donation without linking it to your wedding.  Your friend would still have been "honored."
  • Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    @jen4948

    I will say this though. I 110% completely understand why it is AW-y to do it at a wedding, since favors are not required at all.

    But I will never understand a person and would choose not to be friends with someone who was an adult and got offended by not receiving a Christmas gift because I chose to donate my money to a charity over buying them a giftcard.   
    No sarcasm intended here: 

    I don't think anyone would be offended or would choose not to be friends with such a person.  It just isn't a gracious or selfless thought to verbalize.  Besides, there is an old saying that charity begins at home.  So it seems to me that making a friend or close relative happy, even by accepting an unwanted gift from them and then donating it, comes off much nicer then "Take the money you would have spent on me and donate it instead."
    I said "take the money you would have spent on me and do something nice for yourself or you can donate it of course."


    This still comes off as very ungracious, because you're suggesting that there is nothing they can do for you personally that you will appreciate (aside from the issues of you telling them what to do with their own unspent money).  I'm sure by know they know not to give you gifts, but I'd lose the whole line.
    Obviously.  It's not like I had to say it after the first year. 

    And again, I must just be a different type of person, because I would be MUCH more offended if someone would receive a gift from me and just give it away. then just being up front and honest about their intentions.

    But I guess certain people prefer the idea that ignorance is bliss.
    Sarcasm or no, sometimes this can be very hurtful-especially when you give the impression that no matter how hard someone tries, you will be unpleasable.
    I guess this is where you are not understanding the concept.  It's not about not appreciating what others give me.  It's about wanting to pay forward the good fortune I have had in my life to people in need.  

    In my mind, I cannot fathom just allowing someone to spend money on me, just to donate it to goodwill or some other charity.  While it is paying it forward in a way, you are being deceitful of your intentions.  Do you get that?  And you are allowing someone to waste their money on something that you are just basically throwing out.

    I mean, if that's your thing, you go on with your bad self.


    sexy, harry styles, best song ever, cute, beautiful, asdjglñlñ, marcel
  • Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    @jen4948

    I will say this though. I 110% completely understand why it is AW-y to do it at a wedding, since favors are not required at all.

    But I will never understand a person and would choose not to be friends with someone who was an adult and got offended by not receiving a Christmas gift because I chose to donate my money to a charity over buying them a giftcard.   
    No sarcasm intended here: 

    I don't think anyone would be offended or would choose not to be friends with such a person.  It just isn't a gracious or selfless thought to verbalize.  Besides, there is an old saying that charity begins at home.  So it seems to me that making a friend or close relative happy, even by accepting an unwanted gift from them and then donating it, comes off much nicer then "Take the money you would have spent on me and donate it instead."
    I said "take the money you would have spent on me and do something nice for yourself or you can donate it of course."


    This still comes off as very ungracious, because you're suggesting that there is nothing they can do for you personally that you will appreciate (aside from the issues of you telling them what to do with their own unspent money).  I'm sure by know they know not to give you gifts, but I'd lose the whole line.
    Obviously.  It's not like I had to say it after the first year. 

    And again, I must just be a different type of person, because I would be MUCH more offended if someone would receive a gift from me and just give it away. then just being up front and honest about their intentions.

    But I guess certain people prefer the idea that ignorance is bliss.
    Sarcasm or no, sometimes this can be very hurtful-especially when you give the impression that no matter how hard someone tries, you will be unpleasable.
    I guess this is where you are not understanding the concept.  It's not about not appreciating what others give me.  It's about wanting to pay forward the good fortune I have had in my life to people in need.  

    In my mind, I cannot fathom just allowing someone to spend money on me, just to donate it to goodwill or some other charity.  While it is paying it forward in a way, you are being deceitful of your intentions.  Do you get that?  And you are allowing someone to waste their money on something that you are just basically throwing out.

    I mean, if that's your thing, you go on with your bad self.


    I don't need to get this, and I think it's time for the sarcasm to end. 

    Being blunt can sometimes just cross the line into mean-spirited, especially when you're dishing on someone else's generosity to you.  And that's what "Go take your money and spend it on something else" does.  And that's why it is not appropriate or polite.
  • ColeRoseColeRose member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited January 2014
    Jen4948 said:
    ColeRose said:
    We did a donation in lieu of favors to honor a friend of mine who passed away. I included that information for people so they knew and I'm sure no one at my wedding was an asshole enough to think badly about our donation. We did have a candy bar, cigar bar and photo booth so if people were truly offended there were other things that could be seen as wedding favors.
    While I'm sure no one was an asshole enough to think badly about your donation, it was still not appropriate to do it "in lieu of favors."  You were not required to give favors, but you could have made the donation without linking it to your wedding.  Your friend would still have been "honored."

    It was a way to include a very good friend in my wedding, she would have been a bridesmaid so I wanted to do something big. Good thing no one had my wedding had your narrow "mindset."
    Photobucket
  • Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    @jen4948

    I will say this though. I 110% completely understand why it is AW-y to do it at a wedding, since favors are not required at all.

    But I will never understand a person and would choose not to be friends with someone who was an adult and got offended by not receiving a Christmas gift because I chose to donate my money to a charity over buying them a giftcard.   
    No sarcasm intended here: 

    I don't think anyone would be offended or would choose not to be friends with such a person.  It just isn't a gracious or selfless thought to verbalize.  Besides, there is an old saying that charity begins at home.  So it seems to me that making a friend or close relative happy, even by accepting an unwanted gift from them and then donating it, comes off much nicer then "Take the money you would have spent on me and donate it instead."
    I said "take the money you would have spent on me and do something nice for yourself or you can donate it of course."


    This still comes off as very ungracious, because you're suggesting that there is nothing they can do for you personally that you will appreciate (aside from the issues of you telling them what to do with their own unspent money).  I'm sure by know they know not to give you gifts, but I'd lose the whole line.
    Obviously.  It's not like I had to say it after the first year. 

    And again, I must just be a different type of person, because I would be MUCH more offended if someone would receive a gift from me and just give it away. then just being up front and honest about their intentions.

    But I guess certain people prefer the idea that ignorance is bliss.
    Sarcasm or no, sometimes this can be very hurtful-especially when you give the impression that no matter how hard someone tries, you will be unpleasable.
    I guess this is where you are not understanding the concept.  It's not about not appreciating what others give me.  It's about wanting to pay forward the good fortune I have had in my life to people in need.  

    In my mind, I cannot fathom just allowing someone to spend money on me, just to donate it to goodwill or some other charity.  While it is paying it forward in a way, you are being deceitful of your intentions.  Do you get that?  And you are allowing someone to waste their money on something that you are just basically throwing out.

    I mean, if that's your thing, you go on with your bad self.


    I don't need to get this, and I think it's time for the sarcasm to end. 

    Being blunt can sometimes just cross the line into mean-spirited, especially when you're dishing on someone else's generosity to you.  And that's what "Go take your money and spend it on something else" does.  And that's why it is not appropriate or polite.
    I was only sarcastic in relation to your edit.

    I am being completely 100% serious here.


    sexy, harry styles, best song ever, cute, beautiful, asdjglñlñ, marcel
  • ColeRose said:
    Jen4948 said:
    ColeRose said:
    We did a donation in lieu of favors to honor a friend of mine who passed away. I included that information for people so they knew and I'm sure no one at my wedding was an asshole enough to think badly about our donation. We did have a candy bar, cigar bar and photo booth so if people were truly offended there were other things that could be seen as wedding favors.
    While I'm sure no one was an asshole enough to think badly about your donation, it was still not appropriate to do it "in lieu of favors."  You were not required to give favors, but you could have made the donation without linking it to your wedding.  Your friend would still have been "honored."

    It was a way to include a very good friend in my wedding, she would have been a bridesmaid so I wanted to do something big. Good thing no one had my wedding had your narrow "mindset."
    Here's the thing:  There is really no way to "include" deceased persons in your wedding-regardless of whether or not they would have been in your wedding party.

    Yes, if she had been alive, she would have been there.  And yes, it is very sad that she was not.

    But no one else needed to be reminded of that through a donation in her memory "in lieu of favors."

    And sorry to have to tell you this, but since I'm not the only one, and many others share this mindset, it couldn't be that "narrow."
  • Jen4948 said:
    ColeRose said:
    Jen4948 said:
    ColeRose said:
    We did a donation in lieu of favors to honor a friend of mine who passed away. I included that information for people so they knew and I'm sure no one at my wedding was an asshole enough to think badly about our donation. We did have a candy bar, cigar bar and photo booth so if people were truly offended there were other things that could be seen as wedding favors.
    While I'm sure no one was an asshole enough to think badly about your donation, it was still not appropriate to do it "in lieu of favors."  You were not required to give favors, but you could have made the donation without linking it to your wedding.  Your friend would still have been "honored."

    It was a way to include a very good friend in my wedding, she would have been a bridesmaid so I wanted to do something big. Good thing no one had my wedding had your narrow "mindset."
    Here's the thing:  There is really no way to "include" deceased persons in your wedding-regardless of whether or not they would have been in your wedding party.

    Yes, if she had been alive, she would have been there.  And yes, it is very sad that she was not.

    But no one else needed to be reminded of that through a donation in her memory "in lieu of favors."

    And sorry to have to tell you this, but since I'm not the only one, and many others share this mindset, it couldn't be that "narrow."

    Wow dude that is a gross statement. Where is your heart?
    Photobucket
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited January 2014
    ColeRose said:
    Jen4948 said:
    ColeRose said:
    Jen4948 said:
    ColeRose said:
    We did a donation in lieu of favors to honor a friend of mine who passed away. I included that information for people so they knew and I'm sure no one at my wedding was an asshole enough to think badly about our donation. We did have a candy bar, cigar bar and photo booth so if people were truly offended there were other things that could be seen as wedding favors.
    While I'm sure no one was an asshole enough to think badly about your donation, it was still not appropriate to do it "in lieu of favors."  You were not required to give favors, but you could have made the donation without linking it to your wedding.  Your friend would still have been "honored."

    It was a way to include a very good friend in my wedding, she would have been a bridesmaid so I wanted to do something big. Good thing no one had my wedding had your narrow "mindset."
    Here's the thing:  There is really no way to "include" deceased persons in your wedding-regardless of whether or not they would have been in your wedding party.

    Yes, if she had been alive, she would have been there.  And yes, it is very sad that she was not.

    But no one else needed to be reminded of that through a donation in her memory "in lieu of favors."

    And sorry to have to tell you this, but since I'm not the only one, and many others share this mindset, it couldn't be that "narrow."

    Wow dude that is a gross statement. Where is your heart?
    Like I said, I'm not the only person who feels this way.  Many people here share this opinion.  We do not have to support donations "in lieu of favors" to have "a heart."

    I said that it is sad that she is not going to be with you.  But there are more appropriate ways to honor her memory than giving donations "in lieu of favors" to a charity.  Favors, or anything "in lieu of" them, are supposed to be gifts for guests, not awareness-raising gestures for something unrelated to the guests' attendance at your wedding.

    There is no reason you could not have given the donation.  It just would not have been appropriate to link it to your wedding.  The charity would still have benefited; your friend would still have been honored, and your guests would not have received the favor you didn't want to give them (and weren't required to).
  • @ColeRose I am very sorry for your loss and I hope any blunt comments on this thread did not offend you in any way or cause you pain for your memory of your friend. My highschool sweetheart was killed in a car accident some years ago and a group from our church made a donation in his honor to a charity he and I worked closely with. I appreciated the gesture 100%

  • Oh FFS I already said we had other things which could have been seen as favors. And once again I'm glad I don't associate with people who would care about a donation at a wedding. Are you reading from an etiquette book or something?
    Photobucket
  • @ColeRose I am very sorry for your loss and I hope any blunt comments on this thread did not offend you in any way or cause you pain for your memory of your friend. My highschool sweetheart was killed in a car accident some years ago and a group from our church made a donation in his honor to a charity he and I worked closely with. I appreciated the gesture 100%


    Not at all thank you :) My friend's death was sudden as well right after her 27th birthday. She went to bed one night and never woke up, turns out she had an undiagnosed heart condition.
    Photobucket
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited January 2014
    ColeRose said:
    Oh FFS I already said we had other things which could have been seen as favors. And once again I'm glad I don't associate with people who would care about a donation at a wedding. Are you reading from an etiquette book or something?
    We should be able to disagree with you needing to resort to sarcasm or name-calling, because they do nothing to convince those who don't agree with you that you are right. 

    Disagreeing with you does not make anyone "heartless" or "narrow."  It just means that they do not agree with you.  I think you need to accept that when you post an opinion in a large forum, especially online, that's going to be the case.  And if you post here, you are "associating" with people who may not agree with you.
  • Did it ever occur to you that sarcasm was used as a defense mechanism because your comments sound downright heartless? I think we can all agree to disagree on the subject all together. This topic could go on and on in circles for eternity.

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited January 2014

    Did it ever occur to you that sarcasm was used as a defense mechanism because your comments sound downright heartless? I think we can all agree to disagree on the subject all together. This topic could go on and on in circles for eternity.

    Yes it can.  But you know something?  As I pointed out, I'm not the only one in this forum to sound this opinion.  It has been done in other threads.

    As for heartless:  Calling too much attention to the absence of a deceased person adds to the grief of those in mourning for him or her, and causes those who aren't to feel sad.  Does that sound like a "heartful" thing to do when it can come off like a smack across the face, especially when it's not subtle?  That's why it's often recommended that gestures in memory of deceased persons (and in other threads, there have been many nice suggestions made to honor them in subtle ways that don't do this) be kept subtle and quiet so as not to add to anyone's sadness.  Does that sound heartless?

    I'm not apologizing for what I said.
  • I never asked you to. I simply think instead of making her feel like shit for doing what she did you could have ignored it because what's done is done, not sit on your high and mighty pulpit, and preach. But then again that's just my opinion.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited January 2014
    I never asked you to. I simply think instead of making her feel like shit for doing what she did you could have ignored it because what's done is done, not sit on your high and mighty pulpit, and preach. But then again that's just my opinion.
    Disagreeing is not "sitting on [my] high and mighty pulpit, and preach(ing)."

    And yes, this is just your opinion.  I am as entitled to mine as you are to yours.  And it seems to me that the pot is calling the kettle black here.  Hypocrisy much?

    And if you want to check etiquette books or write to etiquette experts, I don't think you're going to find much support for this aside from the Posts, who are no longer reliable providers of etiquette.  They give a lot of incorrect advice.
  • OK thanks for that....so helpful.
  • We are having a caricaturist at the wedding as a favor for our guests. We had a few bucks hanging around our wedding budget and we were like, "sure, why not!" 

    But we told the dude not to make it super "musikalbunni + fiance's name" just date and location... i.e. 01/01/01 los angeles, ca. 

    But we were not thinking about having favors... they are pretty useless...
    That is a super cute idea! Wow!
    I once saw something similar at a wedding in my family.  It wasn't done as favors though.  An artist made a painting of the reception as it was going on.  I'd never seen that done before.  It seemed cool though...I remember watching it and thinking "Wow."
  • @MyNameIsNot while I don't think that the B&G was intending to brag about their donation I could see how some people could feel that way, and that is an opinion I can respect.

  • ColeRose said:
    Jen4948 said:
    ColeRose said:
    We did a donation in lieu of favors to honor a friend of mine who passed away. I included that information for people so they knew and I'm sure no one at my wedding was an asshole enough to think badly about our donation. We did have a candy bar, cigar bar and photo booth so if people were truly offended there were other things that could be seen as wedding favors.
    While I'm sure no one was an asshole enough to think badly about your donation, it was still not appropriate to do it "in lieu of favors."  You were not required to give favors, but you could have made the donation without linking it to your wedding.  Your friend would still have been "honored."

    It was a way to include a very good friend in my wedding, she would have been a bridesmaid so I wanted to do something big. Good thing no one had my wedding had your narrow "mindset."
    I think you are missing her point.  Jen isn't saying that what you did was unkind.  This is not directed at ColeRose, she actually had many things that could serve as favors-candy bar, cigar bar and photo booth.   And no one is saying that you NEED to have favors.

    But look, a favor is supposed to be a little, trinket gift for your guests right?  Taking money you would otherwise have spent on those gifts and donating it, and then not giving your guests a physical gift and then telling them that rather than getting them a gift you decided to donate their gift. . .  isn't giving them a gift. 

    So saying that you made a donation in lieu of a favor, which means in place or instead of a favor doesn't really make much sense.  It just looks AWish and awkward at a wedding.

    If you want to make a donation, make a donation.  But do it w/o drawing public attention to the donation or calling it the favor.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards