"No Black Attire" Guest Request?

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

SarahRashid said:

Is there a nice way to request that people don't wear black to my wedding? I was hoping the pictures would be brighter and sweeter if guests didn't look like they were mourning at my wedding. My theme is all pastels and brights.

No. And if you try to make this demand, people will react accordingly, by not coming.

DH and I got invited to a wedding with a "light blues and greens -- seafoam colours!" dress code. We're not attending. We're adults, and we can dress our damn selves, and if you insult my intelligence by trying to dress me when I'm not a BM, I will either rebel and wear something wildly inappropriate, colour-wise, or I just won't come, because I can tell you value your theme over your guests.

ashleyep · January 2014

Like others have said, there's really no polite way to request this. If you REALLY feel like you HAVE to get your request across, you can try and spread it via word of month in a "how fun would it be if our guests dressed in bright colors like our theme!" Or something silly like that. But don't go around telling people you don't want them wearing black - most men will wear a dark suit, with a colored tie, and most women won't wear black in the summer. Some will, and so what?

mlg78 · January 2014

You do realize that a wedding is about so much more than some freaking pictures, right? I don't recall what a single person wore to my wedding outside of the wedding party.

mlg78 · January 2014

You do realize that a wedding is about so much more than some freaking pictures, right? I don't recall what a single person wore to my wedding outside of the wedding party.

manateehugger · January 2014

I'm wearing a black shirt and dark jeans today. Now I'm worried that everyone who saw me thought I was in mourning. You know, since clearly wearing a black shirt, jacket, or cocktail dress signifies mourning...

Kate61487 · January 2014

"Brightly colored attire invited" makes me think you are inviting my shirt instead of me....

MobKaz · January 2014

SarahRashid said:

I put "Pastels and bright colors are welcomed as the wedding will be outside. Weather estimated to be between the 70s and 80s."

Such a considerate bride you are to consider my inability to dress for the occasion. I am quite sure you will be equally thoughtful and considerate with your favors as well. Are you sure epipens come in pastel colors? Your wedding has the potential to resemble a Hitchcock movie.

AshleyNicole1218 · January 2014

All I envision is men in pastel green and peach suits, a la 'dumb and dumber'.

doeydo · January 2014

AshleyNicole1218 said:

All I envision is men in pastel green and peach suits, a la 'dumb and dumber'.

Yup...

saacjw · January 2014

thelastdreamer said:

Holy crap how rude! What if the guys only have dark colors? I know my FI typically doesn't wear anything bright or pastel. I know many other guys who don't either. How incredibly rude of you to tell your guests what to wear.

This, just replace FI with husband. I also would be wearing black because I have two dresses for summer weddings- a black with white polka dots one and a black with some multi colored streaks. If I were traveling to your wedding, I'd probably be pretty insulted that I was basically being asked to buy new clothes too. I know that's probably not what you're intending to to say with that request, but that's what it comes off as.

ETA- no one would look at either of those dresses and think mourning, even though they're black.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

SarahRashid said:

what if i say "summer clothes recommended as the event will be held outside?"

seriously though, people are acting like I'm forcing them to wear a certain outfit, and that's exactly opposite of what I want to do. I'm trying to ASK THEM NICELY. i'm trying to tell them what the wedding is gonna look like so that if there are people that care, that they're informed. how do i do that without sounding rude? that's all I wanna know.

What?

I don't freaking care what your wedding is going to look like. I don't need to know or care in order to dress appropriately. And when I dress to go out be it to a wedding or a restaurant or a black tie function I dress in such a way that makes me feel and look good. . . I don't dress to accommodate other people.

jdluvr06 · January 2014

SarahRashid said:

I put "Pastels and bright colors are welcomed as the wedding will be outside. Weather estimated to be between the 70s and 80s."

Wow... Seriously? If I got a wedding invitation that said that I would completely ignore that and wear whatever I was planning on wearing in the first place, which would probably be black since that is the #1 color in my wardrobe and I'm not one to buy a new dress for a wedding.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

SarahRashid said:

I shouldn't have even bothered. I just didn't know people were gonna be so awful to me just because I asked a simple question, a question involving me trying to be courteous to others, and what I got was the exact opposite in return.

I'm really disappointed in the people that post on this website, regarding the happiest day of ones' life. I made a huge mistake that people would be welcomed in celebrating such an important and beautiful day.

I guess you had forgotten what it was like to be a young newlywed.

Please do yourself a favor and stop trying to "help," because all it's doing is hurting others.

What answers were you looking for in regards to your question?

jdluvr06 · January 2014

SarahRashid said:

I shouldn't have even bothered. I just didn't know people were gonna be so awful to me just because I asked a simple question, a question involving me trying to be courteous to others, and what I got was the exact opposite in return.

I'm really disappointed in the people that post on this website, regarding the happiest day of ones' life. I made a huge mistake that people would be welcomed in celebrating such an important and beautiful day.

I guess you had forgotten what it was like to be a young newlywed.

Please do yourself a favor and stop trying to "help," because all it's doing is hurting others.

I haven't been here for very long but I've noticed that a lot of posters are newly weds or not yet married so it isn't forgetting what it is like to be a newlywed that is prompting the replies. Also attempting to tell people to wear pastels does not come across as being courteous, it comes across as controlling.

Viczaesar · January 2014

Hey OP? Sometimes the right answer to a question is "Don't do it, it's rude and completely inappropriate." You got a lot of correct information here, then you stomped your feet and had a hissy fit because you didn't get validation for your terrible idea. I feel sorry for your guests.

Fact: it is rude to tell your guests what to wear, ask your guests to dress to match your decor (wtf?), or try to hint at how your guests should dress. There is no polite way to do something rude. Picking out their outfits and putting them on are your guests' responsibility; you trying to micromanage how your guests look makes you look like a raging bridezilla stomping her way through Crazytown.

TiaTea · January 2014

You can't really put it on the invitation.
But depending on who is invited and how close you are with these people, you can send them informal letter ( email) giving them additional information on the venue and what you said " Weather estimated to be between the 70s and 80s."
Someting like " if it makes your decisions easied , here is some additional information on the venue:
Outside, temperatures expected to be..., groud is ( sand, grass, concrete, whaever) not very formal ( tuxedos, are considered formal and most black dresses are more formal) and all the relevant invormation.
Basicly , axplain to them that the venue has the light summery feeling.
If they get the picture for a nice summer (? )party outside, they will dress accordingly. In my experience, people rearly wear black for outside summer parties.

Also , I have heard that before, that one shouldn't wear black to a wedding.
While black attire has become common for female wedding party members, not all etiquette writers believe this is a correct selection. Peggy Post writes that "virtually all colors are acceptable today, including black and shades of white." Others, such as Judith Martin, argue that in North American culture "black symbolizes death....A great many people are still shocked to see it at weddings, even on guests, because it gives them tragic associations."
This quote is from wikipedia, but you can research the referenced authors and other ones for yoursef.

MobKaz · January 2014

TiaTea said: You can't really put it on the invitation.
But depending on who is invited and how close you are with these people, you can send them informal letter ( email) giving them additional information on the venue and what you said " Weather estimated to be between the 70s and 80s."
Someting like " if it makes your decisions easied , here is some additional information on the venue:
Outside, temperatures expected to be..., groud is ( sand, grass, concrete, whaever) not very formal ( tuxedos, are considered formal and most black dresses are more formal) and all the relevant invormation.
Basicly , axplain to them that the venue has the light summery feeling.
If they get the picture for a nice summer (? )party outside, they will dress accordingly. In my experience, people rearly wear black for outside summer parties.

Also , I have heard that before, that one shouldn't wear black to a wedding.
While black attire has become common for female wedding party members, not all etiquette writers believe this is a correct selection. Peggy Post writes that "virtually all colors are acceptable today, including black and shades of white." Others, such as Judith Martin, argue that in North American culture "black symbolizes death....A great many people are still shocked to see it at weddings, even on guests, because it gives them tragic associations."
This quote is from wikipedia, but you can research the referenced authors and other ones for yoursef.

The only statement you have that is accurate and helpful is this....................."You can't really put it on the invitation".

Dignity100 · January 2014

You should not dictate what your guests are and are not allowed to wear. I know it's probably just me, but in the past when I've worn black to the wedding, I got the bride's permission first. I get most guests will not do this - but there might be a few who would ask.

Would you rather have pictures with people in 'happy' colors while some of your favorite people are missing because they found it rude that you dictated what they wore or would you rather have your invited guests attend and share in your happy day and have those pictures regardless of what color they decided to wear?

TiaTea · January 2014

@mobkaz
"The only statement you have that is accurate and helpful is this....................."You can't really put it on the invitation"."

About what is helpful, that's your opinion. I wasn't asking for opinions, but thanks.
About accuracy, if you have any facts, lets talk about them.

Which part of what I said is not accurate?

For example , I am wrong , that she can email information about the venue to her family and friends?
Can she not inform people about the venue, the expected weather, or if there are specifics ( such as sand beach) that may impact the guest comfort , when they decide what shoes to wear?
Are the conditions of the venue and/or the expected weather supposed to be a secret or surprise?

Are you telling me that I am wrong about what my experience is regarding what people wear to outside summer parties? This is my experience. What do you know about my experiences?
Are you saying that I did not take the above information from Wikipedia?
Are you sayig that the referenced authors did not write those things?
Are you saying that OP can not research those or other authors?
Are you telling me that I did not hear about not wearing black before?

Which part of what I am saying is not accurate. Facts , please?

As far as what is , or is not helpful for the OP, she'll decide for herself.

PS
If you were telling OP what your opinion is, I wouldn't question it, but you are accusing me of being inaccurate when I am presenting facts.

buddysmom80 · January 2014

What if you do put that on an invite (albeit very rude) and someone does show up in black?

FFS, think about your guests, I am only comfortable wearing black dresses, so I wear black to weddings, if my friend told me I couldn't wear black, then I wouldn't go or wear black and my friend would just have to deal.

artbyallie · January 2014

@TiaTea, yes you are wrong to suggest that she can send unsolicited e-mails. She can send them only if people specifically ask for that information. Information about the venue can go on a wedding website, but should not include any attire suggestions.

LDay2014 · January 2014

SarahRashid said:

I shouldn't have even bothered. I just didn't know people were gonna be so awful to me just because I asked a simple question, a question involving me trying to be courteous to others, and what I got was the exact opposite in return.

I'm really disappointed in the people that post on this website, regarding the happiest day of ones' life. I made a huge mistake that people would be welcomed in celebrating such an important and beautiful day.

I guess you had forgotten what it was like to be a young newlywed.

Please do yourself a favor and stop trying to "help," because all it's doing is hurting others.

Your question had nothing to do with being courteous to others. It had to do with being selfish about how your pictures will look.

This is how each of the suggested wordings reads to me:

"Brightly colored attire invited?" - if you don't have something bright, don't come.

"summer clothes recommended as the event will be held outside?" - Not sure if you realized it by the date or are an idiot but the wedding is in the summer. Don't wear a parka.

'Pastels and bright colors are welcomed as the wedding will be outside. Weather estimated to be between the 70s and 80s." - Again, I think you're an idiot and the date isn't enough of an indicator that the wedding will be in the summer and therefore will have associated summer temperatures. But if you don't have something bright to wear, don't come.

It's simple, no matter how you beat around the bush you can't tell your guests what to wear.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

TiaTea said:

You can't really put it on the invitation. Bingo.

But depending on who is invited and how close you are with these people, you can send them informal letter ( email) giving them additional information on the venue and what you said " Weather estimated to be between the 70s and 80s." Nope. I wouldn't email people with unsolicited information, and if the email is just a ploy to slip in your attire request, then it is totally rude. People can use Accuweather or Weather Underground if they need to know what the weather and temps are supposed to be like.
Someting like " if it makes your decisions easied , here is some additional information on the venue:
Outside, temperatures expected to be..., groud is ( sand, grass, concrete, whaever) Put this on your wedding website. I agree that it might be helpful to know if the ceremony is being held on a grass lawn where heels might get stuck in the soil. not very formal ( tuxedos, are considered formal and most black dresses are more formal no, not at all. There are tons of casual black dresses too) and all the relevant invormation.
Basicly , axplain to them that the venue has the light summery feeling.
If they get the picture for a nice summer (? )party outside, they will dress accordingly. In my experience, people rearly wear black for outside summer parties.

Also , I have heard that before, that one shouldn't wear black to a wedding. That is an antiquated fashion rule.
While black attire has become common for female wedding party members, not all etiquette writers believe this is a correct selection. Peggy Post writes that "virtually all colors are acceptable today, including black and shades of white." Others, such as Judith Martin, argue that in North American culture "black symbolizes death....A great many people are still shocked to see it at weddings, even on guests, because it gives them tragic associations."
This quote is from wikipedia, but you can research the referenced authors and other ones for yoursef.

TiaTea · January 2014

@artbyallie
"TiaTea, yes you are wrong to suggest that she can send unsolicited e-mails"

Really? Another one?
Am I the only one bothering to do some research before making statements and/or accusations?
OK, I'll play by your rules
You are wrong about my suggestion being wrong. You have no idea what is acceptable etiquettewise , when it comes to emails. You have no idea what etiquette says about emails.
There. No proof . Just accusing you.
How childish is that?

My apologies to @SarahRashid for participating in childish exchange with other OP in her thread. I'll stop.

manateehugger · January 2014

TiaTea said:

@artbyallie
"TiaTea, yes you are wrong to suggest that she can send unsolicited e-mails"

Really? Another one?
Am I the only one bothering to do some research before making statements and/or accusations?
OK, I'll play by your rules
You are wrong about my suggestion being wrong. You have no idea what is acceptable etiquettewise , when it comes to emails. You have no idea what etiquette says about emails.
There. No proof . Just accusing you.
How childish is that?

My apologies to @SarahRashid for participating in childish exchange with other OP in her thread. I'll stop.

Stuck in box

Let's try this one; etiquette is about making sure your guests are comfortable, shown common courtesy, and not offended.

How does treating them like idiots and attempting to control their attire - before they ask for suggestions - fit that definition?

And if you tell me suggesting attire to guests and telling them they can't wear black is ensuring that guests who are apparently too stupid to dress themselves in summer IS making sure they are comfortable, I will laugh...a lot.

ei34 · January 2014

No matter how you word it, it's rude to tell your guests how to dress.

My mother wore black to my wedding and looked stunning and elegant. My hubby's tux and a lot of the men's suits were black. And maybe it's an NYC thing but more than half of my guests were wearing black. No one looked like they were mourning. Everyone had a blast and that's reflected in the pictures. I'm sure your guests will have a great time too (as long as they're free to dress as they please..). Happy planning!

Maggie0829 · January 2014

PDKH said:

Let's try this one; etiquette is about making sure your guests are comfortable, shown common courtesy, and not offended.

How does treating them like idiots and attempting to control their attire - before they ask for suggestions - fit that definition?

And if you tell me suggesting attire to guests and telling them they can't wear black is ensuring that guests who are apparently too stupid to dress themselves in summer IS making sure they are comfortable, I will laugh...a lot.

Just because it needed repeating.

cupcait927 · January 2014

If I was going to this wedding, and I was told how to dress, I'd wear white. It's a summer color, right?

jdluvr06 · January 2014

eileenrob said:

No matter how you word it, it's rude to tell your guests how to dress.
My mother wore black to my wedding and looked stunning and elegant. My hubby's tux and a lot of the men's suits were black. And maybe it's an NYC thing but more than half of my guests were wearing black. No one looked like they were mourning. Everyone had a blast and that's reflected in the pictures. I'm sure your guests will have a great time too (as long as they're free to dress as they please..). Happy planning!

It's not just an NYC thing. At most of the weddings I've been to the majority of the guest wore black. It is easier for men to have black pants, ect for formal occasions I think. Also as far as I'm concerned you can't go wrong with a black dress.

bunni727 · January 2014

SarahRashid said:

what if i say "summer clothes recommended as the event will be held outside?"

seriously though, people are acting like I'm forcing them to wear a certain outfit, and that's exactly opposite of what I want to do. I'm trying to ASK THEM NICELY. i'm trying to tell them what the wedding is gonna look like so that if there are people that care, that they're informed. how do i do that without sounding rude? that's all I wanna know.

The thing is, the people that care will ask, and the people that don't will not care what you've written, so it's better to just not write anything rather than risk offending anyone.

People know it is in the summer, and they will likely check the weather, so they'll dress themselves in seasonally appropriate attire. If they are unsure, they may ask relatives, BMs, or you to see what others plan on wearing so they don't stand out, and it is okay to answer them.

Use your invites to set the tone and formality of the wedding. Guests will dress differently for a 2pm ceremony with floral invites than they would for a 6pm ceremony with traditional black and white invites on fancy paper, kwim? If your invites don't convey (Pretty Floral Garden vs. Fancy Historic Estate) that the events will be outside, that is one thing I think you should make note of on your website.

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