Dad issues (Semi-WR)

RWS2011 · January 2014

You have received some great advice here from previous posters. I only wanted to chime in to say that I my heart goes out to you in having to deal with a very difficult family issue.

Also, I will reinforce the idea that you approached him from a place of love and calm once to address your concerns, and he was not willing to hear you then. I am not sure that any note you craft at this moment could reach him in a way that your heartfelt conversation did not. He has made the choice to withdraw from your life. Is there any way you could focus your efforts on communicating with your grandparents ahead of time as to why they will not see your father at your wedding?

kmmssg · January 2014

urbaneca said:

kmmssg said:

You are the only one who knows what is right here, I just want you to REALLY consider what your stepmother will do with the fact you invited your dad and not her. Addicts and alcoholics are the very best liars and manipulators on the planet. She will use that against you til the day she dies. If you have really considered that and you are good with it then you have made the right decision. What kind of impact can she have with your father's family? Are you close to them now? How badly can she damage those relationships?

I know it sounds like I am probably trying to talk you into inviting her. I am not. I just want you to have the least amount of fallout possible.
I'm not close to my father's family at all. When my parents got divorced they collectively told my mom, sibs and I to go fuck ourselves. When my brother came out, they collectively told him he would burn in hell forever, and told us that we would do the same for not trying to "save" him. I have contact with one of my dad's sisters who is my godmother, to the extent of maybe one Facebook message every 2-3 years, and I believe that she knows me better than to just believe what stepmom says. However, I'm not inviting her either, so that gives an indication of our relationship.

Stepmom basically has no leverage against me - if she wants to tell all her friends and family and my dad's family that I'm petty and inconsiderate and whatever else, that's fine. I have zero contact with them, and they have zero impact on my life.

Rock on my friend - you have this covered. I wish you the best.

kmmssg · January 2014

Oh, and I wanted to say how sorry I am to hear you lost your mom. I am so sorry.

MrsMack10612 · January 2014

scribe95 said:

She didn't "take him away." He is an adult who made a decision. A terrible one for you, obviously. But blaming her is not putting the responsiblity where it should be - on your Dad.

I realized how that sounded after I wrote it and you're right. And I should have put in past tense. That was my kid's/young adult's view. His actions last year made it very clear the choices he was making had nothing to do with her.

hlvonb · January 2014

urbaneca said:

Thanks @hlvonb

I'm not open to rehashing past problems with him, which is why I'm only sending the note with the invitation. He can choose to respond in the positive and come to my wedding, or he can choose to respond in the negative and not come, or he can choose to ignore it altogether. If he does try to reopen the issue, I'm going to ignore it.

When you get right down to it, this really is just a courtesy invite. I don't want my dad to look back on his life, one day when he's old and dying, and remember that he wasn't invited to his eldest daughter's wedding. And I don't want to look back on my life and know that I didn't give him the option to be there. If he chooses not to come, then it's on him.

I'm not trying to get him back in my life, I'm not trying to make things better, and I'm definitely not trying to apologize for what happened in November, because I really was not at fault. I just want to know that I did the right thing, and that I was the bigger person.

@urbaneca

You were / are the bigger person. Don't forget that! You're doing what you need to do to protect yourself. I do agree with some of the things that PPs have said.

KytchynWitche · January 2014

Thanks ladies, for all your input, advice, sympathy, and support.

Last night I managed to get hold of my mom, who truly is my best of best friends, my rock, and my sounding board. We talked it out and I decided it would be best just to exclude him altogether. FI is supportive of this decision.

Over the course of 28-and-a-bit years, he's screwed up, screwed me over, and kicked me in the pants (metaphorically speaking) so many times, and every time I have had to be the one to make nice. When I do, it's always only a matter of time before he does it again. It's stupid of me to expect a man of 60 to suddenly change his ways.

So, I'm definitely cutting him out. If, somewhere down the road, he makes contact and is apologetic etc, I may reconsider. For now, I have to consider my own health.

MobKaz · January 2014

urbaneca said:

Thanks ladies, for all your input, advice, sympathy, and support.

Last night I managed to get hold of my mom, who truly is my best of best friends, my rock, and my sounding board. We talked it out and I decided it would be best just to exclude him altogether. FI is supportive of this decision.

Over the course of 28-and-a-bit years, he's screwed up, screwed me over, and kicked me in the pants (metaphorically speaking) so many times, and every time I have had to be the one to make nice. When I do, it's always only a matter of time before he does it again. It's stupid of me to expect a man of 60 to suddenly change his ways.

So, I'm definitely cutting him out. If, somewhere down the road, he makes contact and is apologetic etc, I may reconsider. For now, I have to consider my own health.

You made a very difficult, brave, and healthy choice. Peace.

Dad issues (Semi-WR)

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