Wedding Etiquette Forum

who hosts the bridal shower & bachelorette party?

My MOH lives in one state, my 2nd bridesmaid lives in another neighboring state, & my third bridesmaid lives in Europe! All three are in different types of post-grad schooling, and are running low on funds. All have told me they wouldn't miss my wedding for the world (hence why I chose them as my bridesmaids: they're my best friends). However, our locations pose a huge problem when it comes to planning the bridal shower & bachelorette party. Any suggestions on how I/we should approach this?

Also, who plans the bridal shower? My mother & I are planning the wedding, so I'm assuming she doesn't also plan the bridal shower. No one else has offered to plan the shower and the wedding in 5 months again! Minor anxiety is beginning to set in. 

Secondly, since I think these girls should be spending their money on their educations instead of on bridesmaid dresses, I'm thinking of offering to pay for their dresses & they'll just wear their own shoes (something neutral that everyone has) & jewelry (something basic like pearl or diamonds/crystal related). Is this an etiquette faux pas? I'm just trying to alleviate some of their costs of being in the bridal party. 

Thirdly, who plans the bridal shower? My mother & I are planning the wedding, so I'm assuming she doesn't also plan the bridal shower. No one else has offered to plan the shower and the wedding in 5 months away! Minor anxiety is beginning to set in!

Thanks!

Re: who hosts the bridal shower & bachelorette party?

  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird Bawlmer member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    edited January 2014
    My MOH lives in one state, my 2nd bridesmaid lives in another neighboring state, & my third bridesmaid lives in Europe! All three are in different types of post-grad schooling, and are running low on funds. All have told me they wouldn't miss my wedding for the world (hence why I chose them as my bridesmaids: they're my best friends). However, our locations pose a huge problem when it comes to planning the bridal shower & bachelorette party. Any suggestions on how I/we should approach this?

    Also, who plans the bridal shower? My mother & I are planning the wedding, so I'm assuming she doesn't also plan the bridal shower. No one else has offered to plan the shower and the wedding in 5 months again! Minor anxiety is beginning to set in. 

    Secondly, since I think these girls should be spending their money on their educations instead of on bridesmaid dresses, I'm thinking of offering to pay for their dresses & they'll just wear their own shoes (something neutral that everyone has) & jewelry (something basic like pearl or diamonds/crystal related). Is this an etiquette faux pas? I'm just trying to alleviate some of their costs of being in the bridal party. 

    Thirdly, who plans the bridal shower? My mother & I are planning the wedding, so I'm assuming she doesn't also plan the bridal shower. No one else has offered to plan the shower and the wedding in 5 months away! Minor anxiety is beginning to set in!

    Thanks!
    Anyone can plan a bachelorette party or bridal shower. However, it's considered poor form for your immediate family to plan a shower. Since no one has offered anyhow, then it looks like you won't have one. Not everyone does. Like you said, everyone is having money issues right now.

    It's certainly not an etiquette faux pas to purchase the bridal party's outfits or for them to wear their own shoes and jewelry. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are no etiquette rules on who must buy things, but it's customary in the U.S. for the bridal party to pay for their own. The only rule is that you must ask them beforehand for their budgets, and cap it at the lowest one. Anything beyond the dress is your responsibility if you are asking for something specific. This doesn't apply to you anyway, since you are paying.

    By the way, showers and bachelorette parties are usually held much closer to the wedding, like within two months, so someone may still offer, or even surprise you. If no one does, it's not the end of the world. You can still get together with everyone before the wedding. Have a casual non-wedding related lunch at a restaurant or host a bridal tea or luncheon at your home once everyone's in town.
    doeydo
  • Blue_Bird said:
    My MOH lives in one state, my 2nd bridesmaid lives in another neighboring state, & my third bridesmaid lives in Europe! All three are in different types of post-grad schooling, and are running low on funds. All have told me they wouldn't miss my wedding for the world (hence why I chose them as my bridesmaids: they're my best friends). However, our locations pose a huge problem when it comes to planning the bridal shower & bachelorette party. Any suggestions on how I/we should approach this?

    Also, who plans the bridal shower? My mother & I are planning the wedding, so I'm assuming she doesn't also plan the bridal shower. No one else has offered to plan the shower and the wedding in 5 months again! Minor anxiety is beginning to set in. 

    Secondly, since I think these girls should be spending their money on their educations instead of on bridesmaid dresses, I'm thinking of offering to pay for their dresses & they'll just wear their own shoes (something neutral that everyone has) & jewelry (something basic like pearl or diamonds/crystal related). Is this an etiquette faux pas? I'm just trying to alleviate some of their costs of being in the bridal party. 

    Thirdly, who plans the bridal shower? My mother & I are planning the wedding, so I'm assuming she doesn't also plan the bridal shower. No one else has offered to plan the shower and the wedding in 5 months away! Minor anxiety is beginning to set in!

    Thanks!
    Anyone can plan a bachelorette party or bridal shower. However, it's considered poor form for our immediate family to plan it. Since no one has offered anyhow, then it looks like you won't have one,. Not everyone does. Like you said, everyone is having money issues right now.

    It's certainly not an etiquette faux pas to purchase the bridal party's outfits or for them to wear their own shoes. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are no etiquette rules on who must bu things, but it's customary in the U.S. for the bridal party to pa for their own. The only rule is that you must ask them beforehand for their budgets, and cap it at the lowest one. Anything beyond the dress is your responsibility if you are asking for something specific. This doesn't apply to you anyway, since you are paying.

    By the way, showers and bachelorette parties are usually held much closer to the wedding, like within two months, so someone ma still offer, or even surprise you. If no one does, it's not the end of the world. You can still get together with everyone before the wedding. Have a casual non-wedding related lunch at a restaurant or host a bridal tea or luncheon at your home once everyone's in town.
    I've been reading these boards and wondering "why" to the bolded statement above. Especially if the B&G are hosting the wedding themselves. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Blue_Bird said:
    My MOH lives in one state, my 2nd bridesmaid lives in another neighboring state, & my third bridesmaid lives in Europe! All three are in different types of post-grad schooling, and are running low on funds. All have told me they wouldn't miss my wedding for the world (hence why I chose them as my bridesmaids: they're my best friends). However, our locations pose a huge problem when it comes to planning the bridal shower & bachelorette party. Any suggestions on how I/we should approach this?

    Also, who plans the bridal shower? My mother & I are planning the wedding, so I'm assuming she doesn't also plan the bridal shower. No one else has offered to plan the shower and the wedding in 5 months again! Minor anxiety is beginning to set in. 

    Secondly, since I think these girls should be spending their money on their educations instead of on bridesmaid dresses, I'm thinking of offering to pay for their dresses & they'll just wear their own shoes (something neutral that everyone has) & jewelry (something basic like pearl or diamonds/crystal related). Is this an etiquette faux pas? I'm just trying to alleviate some of their costs of being in the bridal party. 

    Thirdly, who plans the bridal shower? My mother & I are planning the wedding, so I'm assuming she doesn't also plan the bridal shower. No one else has offered to plan the shower and the wedding in 5 months away! Minor anxiety is beginning to set in!

    Thanks!
    Anyone can plan a bachelorette party or bridal shower. However, it's considered poor form for your immediate family to plan a shower. Since no one has offered anyhow, then it looks like you won't have one. Not everyone does. Like you said, everyone is having money issues right now.

    It's certainly not an etiquette faux pas to purchase the bridal party's outfits or for them to wear their own shoes and jewelry. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are no etiquette rules on who must buy things, but it's customary in the U.S. for the bridal party to pay for their own. The only rule is that you must ask them beforehand for their budgets, and cap it at the lowest one. Anything beyond the dress is your responsibility if you are asking for something specific. This doesn't apply to you anyway, since you are paying.

    By the way, showers and bachelorette parties are usually held much closer to the wedding, like within two months, so someone may still offer, or even surprise you. If no one does, it's not the end of the world. You can still get together with everyone before the wedding. Have a casual non-wedding related lunch at a restaurant or host a bridal tea or luncheon at your home once everyone's in town.
    Actually in many circles it's completely fine for the mother or other immediate family members to host the shower.



  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    My MOH lives in one state, my 2nd bridesmaid lives in another neighboring state, & my third bridesmaid lives in Europe! All three are in different types of post-grad schooling, and are running low on funds. All have told me they wouldn't miss my wedding for the world (hence why I chose them as my bridesmaids: they're my best friends). However, our locations pose a huge problem when it comes to planning the bridal shower & bachelorette party. Any suggestions on how I/we should approach this?

    Also, who plans the bridal shower? My mother & I are planning the wedding, so I'm assuming she doesn't also plan the bridal shower. No one else has offered to plan the shower and the wedding in 5 months again! Minor anxiety is beginning to set in. 

    Secondly, since I think these girls should be spending their money on their educations instead of on bridesmaid dresses, I'm thinking of offering to pay for their dresses & they'll just wear their own shoes (something neutral that everyone has) & jewelry (something basic like pearl or diamonds/crystal related). Is this an etiquette faux pas? I'm just trying to alleviate some of their costs of being in the bridal party. 

    Thirdly, who plans the bridal shower? My mother & I are planning the wedding, so I'm assuming she doesn't also plan the bridal shower. No one else has offered to plan the shower and the wedding in 5 months away! Minor anxiety is beginning to set in!

    Thanks!
    It's nobody's job to plan your shower.  A shower is a gift that is offered to the bride by whoever can afford to and wants to throw it.  You shouldn't approach the issue at all; if someone is able and willing to host they'll tell you, and if nobody does that means that you don't get a shower.  You should never ask somebody to host a party in your honor.



    doeydo
  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird Bawlmer member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Viczaesar said:
    Blue_Bird said:
    My MOH lives in one state, my 2nd bridesmaid lives in another neighboring state, & my third bridesmaid lives in Europe! All three are in different types of post-grad schooling, and are running low on funds. All have told me they wouldn't miss my wedding for the world (hence why I chose them as my bridesmaids: they're my best friends). However, our locations pose a huge problem when it comes to planning the bridal shower & bachelorette party. Any suggestions on how I/we should approach this?

    Also, who plans the bridal shower? My mother & I are planning the wedding, so I'm assuming she doesn't also plan the bridal shower. No one else has offered to plan the shower and the wedding in 5 months again! Minor anxiety is beginning to set in. 

    Secondly, since I think these girls should be spending their money on their educations instead of on bridesmaid dresses, I'm thinking of offering to pay for their dresses & they'll just wear their own shoes (something neutral that everyone has) & jewelry (something basic like pearl or diamonds/crystal related). Is this an etiquette faux pas? I'm just trying to alleviate some of their costs of being in the bridal party. 

    Thirdly, who plans the bridal shower? My mother & I are planning the wedding, so I'm assuming she doesn't also plan the bridal shower. No one else has offered to plan the shower and the wedding in 5 months away! Minor anxiety is beginning to set in!

    Thanks!
    Anyone can plan a bachelorette party or bridal shower. However, it's considered poor form for your immediate family to plan a shower. Since no one has offered anyhow, then it looks like you won't have one. Not everyone does. Like you said, everyone is having money issues right now.

    It's certainly not an etiquette faux pas to purchase the bridal party's outfits or for them to wear their own shoes and jewelry. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are no etiquette rules on who must buy things, but it's customary in the U.S. for the bridal party to pay for their own. The only rule is that you must ask them beforehand for their budgets, and cap it at the lowest one. Anything beyond the dress is your responsibility if you are asking for something specific. This doesn't apply to you anyway, since you are paying.

    By the way, showers and bachelorette parties are usually held much closer to the wedding, like within two months, so someone may still offer, or even surprise you. If no one does, it's not the end of the world. You can still get together with everyone before the wedding. Have a casual non-wedding related lunch at a restaurant or host a bridal tea or luncheon at your home once everyone's in town.
    Actually in many circles it's completely fine for the mother or other immediate family members to host the shower.
    I'm aware. I'm in one of those circles. Don't care at all if Mom throws the shower. This is still an etiquette rule that many follow though, since she asked who could host. ;-)
  • I'm not arrogant enough to ask someone to host a shower for me. I was just asking who typically does this, & what to do (if anything) since my bridal party is scattered all over.
    blondeej
  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird Bawlmer member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Gizmo813 said:
    Blue_Bird said:
    My MOH lives in one state, my 2nd bridesmaid lives in another neighboring state, & my third bridesmaid lives in Europe! All three are in different types of post-grad schooling, and are running low on funds. All have told me they wouldn't miss my wedding for the world (hence why I chose them as my bridesmaids: they're my best friends). However, our locations pose a huge problem when it comes to planning the bridal shower & bachelorette party. Any suggestions on how I/we should approach this?

    Also, who plans the bridal shower? My mother & I are planning the wedding, so I'm assuming she doesn't also plan the bridal shower. No one else has offered to plan the shower and the wedding in 5 months again! Minor anxiety is beginning to set in. 

    Secondly, since I think these girls should be spending their money on their educations instead of on bridesmaid dresses, I'm thinking of offering to pay for their dresses & they'll just wear their own shoes (something neutral that everyone has) & jewelry (something basic like pearl or diamonds/crystal related). Is this an etiquette faux pas? I'm just trying to alleviate some of their costs of being in the bridal party. 

    Thirdly, who plans the bridal shower? My mother & I are planning the wedding, so I'm assuming she doesn't also plan the bridal shower. No one else has offered to plan the shower and the wedding in 5 months away! Minor anxiety is beginning to set in!

    Thanks!
    Anyone can plan a bachelorette party or bridal shower. However, it's considered poor form for our immediate family to plan it. Since no one has offered anyhow, then it looks like you won't have one,. Not everyone does. Like you said, everyone is having money issues right now.

    It's certainly not an etiquette faux pas to purchase the bridal party's outfits or for them to wear their own shoes. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are no etiquette rules on who must bu things, but it's customary in the U.S. for the bridal party to pa for their own. The only rule is that you must ask them beforehand for their budgets, and cap it at the lowest one. Anything beyond the dress is your responsibility if you are asking for something specific. This doesn't apply to you anyway, since you are paying.

    By the way, showers and bachelorette parties are usually held much closer to the wedding, like within two months, so someone ma still offer, or even surprise you. If no one does, it's not the end of the world. You can still get together with everyone before the wedding. Have a casual non-wedding related lunch at a restaurant or host a bridal tea or luncheon at your home once everyone's in town.
    I've been reading these boards and wondering "why" to the bolded statement above. Especially if the B&G are hosting the wedding themselves. 
    @Gizmo813- As PPs have said, it is seen by many as asking for gifts for your own family. As for the wedding itself, well the ceremony is for the couple, but the reception (the part being hosted) is for the guests to thank them for coming. It isn't a party thrown in honor of the bride and groom to ask for gifts. A shower is a part here gifts are required. A wedding is not.
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Typically anyone who offers hosts the shower.  Often it's the bridesmaids, often it's the mother.  Sometimes it's somebody else entirely.  Sometimes there is no shower.  There isn't anything for you to do as this should be entirely generated, or not, by the host.  Basically your job is to wait until and if somebody offers to host a shower for you. 



    doeydo
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited January 2014
    Viczaesar said:
    Typically anyone who offers hosts the shower.  Often it's the bridesmaids, often it's the mother.  Sometimes it's somebody else entirely.  Sometimes there is no shower.  There isn't anything for you to do as this should be entirely generated, or not, by the host.  Basically your job is to wait until and if somebody offers to host a shower for you. 
    This. It's not even something you should be concerning yourself with. 

    ETA: You sure do have a lot of questions and concerns about things you shouldn't be concerned with.  Showers, guest attire, people buying their clothes before you....and then there's the red flags question on Woes.....


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    kmmssgmimiphin
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'm not arrogant enough to ask someone to host a shower for me. I was just asking who typically does this, & what to do (if anything) since my bridal party is scattered all over.
    Have a margarita and relax.
    image



    Anniversary
  • I paid for all of my girls dresses to help them out financially. And when it came to the shoes, I just told them to wear something they are comfortable in and goes with the dress. So if they had something already that went, they were good. I also got them their jewelry. So buying it for them or telling them to wear something they already have is just fine.

    Typically bridesmaids plan & pay for the bridal shower & bachlorette party. However, I think you have to take a look at different situations. Since all of your BM live out of state & the cost for them to come in to throw one for you isn't in the budget, obviously they probably won't be able to do it. In situations like your's if your mom, FMIL or other family members wanted to organize one for you, there is nothing wrong with that. I know that sometimes when weddings get large (or depending on location for each side of the family) it isn't unusual for the grooms family to throw one and the the brides family to throw one too. Hopefully someone in your family or your FI family will throw one for you. Typcially they are done 6-8 weeks prior to the wedding, so you still have some time. Good luck!!!

  • The answer to 'who hosts what' is 'whoever offers.' If no one offers, then they don't get hosted and you don't have one. It's kind of that simple.

    Showers and bachelorette parties are nice, but extraneous. You don't need them to get married, so if they don't happen? It's NBD.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    doeydovt&dt
  • Pepper6Pepper6 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited January 2014
    My MOH lives in one state, my 2nd bridesmaid lives in another neighboring state, & my third bridesmaid lives in Europe! All three are in different types of post-grad schooling, and are running low on funds. All have told me they wouldn't miss my wedding for the world (hence why I chose them as my bridesmaids: they're my best friends). However, our locations pose a huge problem when it comes to planning the bridal shower & bachelorette party. Any suggestions on how I/we should approach this?

    Also, who plans the bridal shower? My mother & I are planning the wedding, so I'm assuming she doesn't also plan the bridal shower. No one else has offered to plan the shower and the wedding in 5 months again! Minor anxiety is beginning to set in. 

    Secondly, since I think these girls should be spending their money on their educations instead of on bridesmaid dresses, I'm thinking of offering to pay for their dresses & they'll just wear their own shoes (something neutral that everyone has) & jewelry (something basic like pearl or diamonds/crystal related). Is this an etiquette faux pas? I'm just trying to alleviate some of their costs of being in the bridal party. 

    Thirdly, who plans the bridal shower? My mother & I are planning the wedding, so I'm assuming she doesn't also plan the bridal shower. No one else has offered to plan the shower and the wedding in 5 months away! Minor anxiety is beginning to set in!

    Thanks!


    ---quote fail------

    If no one has offered, then it doesn't seem like you'll be getting one.  Showers/bachelorette parties are GIFTS, not requirements.  They are typically thrown by anyone who offers to throw one, you absolutely cannot throw one for yourself or ask that anyone throw one for you.
    doeydo
  • I'm not arrogant enough to ask someone to host a shower for me. I was just asking who typically does this, & what to do (if anything) since my bridal party is scattered all over.
    You don't do anything about it.
    doeydo
  • Wait, did this girl somehow change her username?
    mimiphindoeydo
  • Yeah, I just saw her post about family members buying their wedding clothes right away and her screen name is different there also.
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