Black tie thoughts

JCbride2015 · January 2014

I was just thinking about this from another thread. Has anyone ever been invited to a true black tie wedding? If yes, did the B&G actually indicate "black tie" on the invitation and/or website? And did guests really dress accordingly? Once we get entertainment nailed down, I'm pretty sure we will technically be black tie, but I feel weird actually putting that on our invitations and website. Seems sort of stuffy to me. If we are indeed having these things at our wedding, does etiquette dictate that we should indicate black tie to tell our guests what to expect? Or only that we can if we want to?

These are the black tie requirements as I remember them (might be missing a few):

--Formal invitations and venue

--Valet parking

--Top shelf open bar all night

--Live entertainment

--Tableside white glove service

--Multicourse meal (at least 4, maybe 5 courses?)

--ETA: remembered another one: it's in the evening

Maggie0829 · January 2014

I have never been to a black tie wedding. For my group of friends and family that type of event would seem almost out of left field. Now if I was in a social group that typically went to these types of events on the regular then it wouldn't surprise me to be invited to a black tie wedding.

Also, just because you may have the black tie requirements does not mean that you need to request that type of dress code.

indianaalum · January 2014

yes, I was invited to one and yes, the invitation told me.

If you WANT actual people to wear "black tie", you must inform them

If you want to just provide ALL the perks of a black tie wedding, but don't care if they wear "black tie", no need to announce on invitations.

and if you DO write "black tie", you MUST have all the perks to go along with it

I do think people dressed accordingly for the evening actually.

I admit, I kinda wanted to skip the wedding BECAUSE of it. The bride told me people would be wwearing "ball gowns" so I freaked out on what to wear". I went because it was a good friend, but I found the whole thing stressful. I was totally worried my dress wouldn't be formal enough and that I wouldn't fit in.

Personally, unless you have a ton of "rich" friends, I think Black tie weddings are selfish. Most normal average men don't own tuxes, therefore you are requiring guests to spend 100.00 or more to rent a tux. Although I owned a bunch of dresses, I didn't have one I felt was "black tie" worthy, so I had to purchase one and I was stressed out about it until I went and realized my dress was good enough. I never wore it again, so I basically wasted a ton of money.

You can have all the "aspects" of a black tie wedding, without making people wear tuxes.

just my two cents

Furthermore, (and I have no proof on this, jjust instinct). I think you get more "declines" on black tie for reason I mentioned above.

Unless you run with a crowd who is accustomed to black tie affairs, you really ARE inconveniencing your guests. IMO

AddieCake · January 2014

Nobody I know would host a black tie event. Like Maggie, I would be stressed about it if I got invited b/c even though I know I have class, it would still be way out of my comfort zone.

Liatris2010 · January 2014

I've only been to one black tie wedding, and it said so on the invites. That being said, I've been to lots of weddings that were pretty close to qualifying (ex: DJ instead of band, or no valet parking) and the majority of guests wore black-tie attire. People who like to dress up will, and people who don't will be put off by black tie, so I think it is fine to leave it off. Just pick a formal invitation so people know.

jdluvr06 · January 2014

I've been invited to one black tie wedding. It did say it on the invitations but it really didn't need to because we could tell by the venue (this is when I still lived in NYC and the wedding was at a ballroom in this super fancy hotel). I can't answer the rest of your questions though because I didn't go I had something else going on that night.

Fran1985 · January 2014

Ive been to 4- 1 didn't say anything about dresscode, 1 said black tie, and 2 said black tie optional but were clearly black tie.

Fran1985 · January 2014

Ive been to 4- 1 didn't say anything about dresscode, 1 said black tie, and 2 said black tie optional but were clearly black tie.

AlexisA01 · January 2014

In my family and friends social circle, we have Black Tie in our circles; we go all out and above. The only difference is, we don't have to say its black tie on an invitation because it is automatically expected unless other wise noted by word of mouth. My wedding will be a Black Tie wedding.

sarahufl · January 2014

I have been to a couple black tie optional events, but never a full on black tie. I don't run in a circle where it is common, and my family is pretty simple.

I am having my reception in a barn in the afternoon, so I am really far from this

I wouldn't know what to do/wear/bring to a true black tie wedding....

huskypuppy14 · January 2014

sarahufl said:

I have been to a couple black tie optional events, but never a full on black tie. I don't run in a circle where it is common, and my family is pretty simple.

I am having my reception in a barn in the afternoon, so I am really far from this

I wouldn't know what to do/wear/bring to a true black tie wedding....

I think this is where the confusion comes in for most people. Many weddings are black tie optional, but you are not supposed to say it on the invitation, because it's not a real thing; it's either black tie or it's not. If your wedding is in a country club, historic mansion, hotel ballroom etc, in the evening, it's perfectly acceptable for people to wear black tie attire, but unless your wedding is actually black tie, you can't specify it on the invitation.

jneen101 · January 2014

I have been to one and I thought it was really rude.

Xandy417 · January 2014

You shouldn't be telling your guests what to wear to your wedding. They should be able to pick up from things like the venue, the formality of the invitations, etc how formal/informal the event is and dress accordingly.

NYCBruin · January 2014

I have been to a few weddings that met the requirements for black tie but were not black tie (i.e. nothing on the invitations/tuxes not required). We plan on doing the same thing. We aren't putting black tie on the invitations because we don't want anyone to have to spend extra money on attire or not attend over something as silly as what they wear.

FI and I have black tie attire and have been to black tie events (charity fundraisers), so we wouldn't stick our noses up at a black tie wedding invitation, but truthfully I do think they are a bit alienating. Nothing rude about having a black tie wedding, but I would definitely consider the fact that some of your guests may have to shell out extra cash to attend and accordingly may have to decline.

ETA missing a word.

AddieCake · January 2014

jneen101 said:

I have been to one and I thought it was really rude.

Why was it rude for someone to have a black tie event?

freebread03 · January 2014

jneen101 said:

I have been to one and I thought it was really rude.

What was rude about their black tie event? Why did you find it rude, and if you were so offended, why did you go?

Liatris2010 · January 2014

AddieL73 said:

jneen101 said:

I have been to one and I thought it was really rude.

Why was it rude for someone to have a black tie event?

How dare you invite me to a party where I am treated to grey goose martinis and a multi-course gourmet meal with white glove service while being entertained by live music!?!?!?! Jerk.

NYCBruin · January 2014

Liatris2010 said:

AddieL73 said:

jneen101 said:

I have been to one and I thought it was really rude.

Why was it rude for someone to have a black tie event?

How dare you invite me to a party where I am treated to grey goose martinis and a multi-course gourmet meal with white glove service while being entertained by live music!?!?!?! Jerk.

I totally agree with you, but to try to give the PP the benefit of the doubt, I assume they were referring to the fact that black tie receptions require guests to shell out extra money on attire to attend. I don't think that makes them rude, but I can see how one might be off-put by that.

Liatris2010 · January 2014

NYCBruin said:

Liatris2010 said:

AddieL73 said:

jneen101 said:

I have been to one and I thought it was really rude.

Why was it rude for someone to have a black tie event?

How dare you invite me to a party where I am treated to grey goose martinis and a multi-course gourmet meal with white glove service while being entertained by live music!?!?!?! Jerk.

I totally agree with you, but to try to give the PP the benefit of the doubt, I assume they were referring to the fact that black tie receptions require guests to shell out extra money on attire to attend. I don't think that makes them rude, but I can see how one might be off-put by that.

I can see it being off-putting if you have to buy attire, but that is a far cry from "really rude".

LDay2014 · January 2014

I'm wondering if the 'stuffiness' of a black tie affair might have been what put her off. I've never been to one and would probably research the crap out of it before I went, but knowing how fancy they are I'd be afraid to mess something up and that would make me anxious to blink the wrong direction.

Know what I mean?

AddieCake · January 2014

NYCBruin said:
I totally agree with you, but to try to give the PP the benefit of the doubt, I assume they were referring to the fact that black tie receptions require guests to shell out extra money on attire to attend. I don't think that makes them rude, but I can see how one might be off-put by that.

Didn't want to attend b/c it was an inconvenience isn't the same as it being rude to host such an event, though.

jneen101 · January 2014

freebread03 said:

jneen101 said:

I have been to one and I thought it was really rude.

What was rude about their black tie event? Why did you find it rude, and if you were so offended, why did you go?

Sorry, I should have explained. I thought it was rude to ask the men to rent tuxedos. I was in the the wedding. I was also not dating anyone at the time but for some reason it was REALLY REALLY important for me to have a date. Basically she was obsessed with me having a date. So I ended up asking a guy I had gone on one date with and I thought it was awkward for him to rent a tux. If there was no tuxedo rental involved, I wouldn't have had an issue with it.

AddieCake · January 2014

But if it's a black tie event, no, it was not rude of them to expect their guests to rent tuxes. It was rude of her to insist you have a date, yes, but not that he should be in a tux.

jneen101 · January 2014

Liatris2010 said:

AddieL73 said:

jneen101 said:

I have been to one and I thought it was really rude.

Why was it rude for someone to have a black tie event?

How dare you invite me to a party where I am treated to grey goose martinis and a multi-course gourmet meal with white glove service while being entertained by live music!?!?!?! Jerk.

And also, I have been to many weddings with all of those lovely, fancy, things but no one had to rent a tux. Well I don't drink martinis but I will drink grey goose at any wedding I'm attending, but my date is in a regular suit. I just personally think it's rude to expect all of your guests to have the means to rent a tuxedo and if they don't have the means, they can't attend your wedding. You can still have all of those lovely things but not make people wear tuxedos, right?

jneen101 · January 2014

AddieL73 said:

But if it's a black tie event, no, it was not rude of them to expect their guests to rent tuxes. It was rude of her to insist you have a date, yes, but not that he should be in a tux.

Yeah I guess my problem really was that I had to ask a virtual stranger to rent a tuxedo.

Liatris2010 · January 2014

But men don't have to wear tuxedos to black tie events, a black suit is also perfectly acceptable.

indianaalum · January 2014

AddieL73 said:

jneen101 said:

I have been to one and I thought it was really rude.

Why was it rude for someone to have a black tie event?

Like I said in my post, if you KNOW your crowd/circle aren't people who tend to attend these regularly and probably don't own a tux, you are probably inconveniencing them for the sake of your PPD because Tuxes in general are expensive to rent for non-wedding attire people

If it is common in your circle and you know most of your crowd owns black tie attire, I'd say "no big deal"

It's just as easy to host "grey goose" and not make the "black tie" statement on your invitation.

It's definitely a know your crowd.

Had I done that, I am sure many of my guests would have declined because they couldn't afford it or would have been too nervous on the "expectations"

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

JCBride2014 said:

I was just thinking about this from another thread. Has anyone ever been invited to a true black tie wedding? If yes, did the B&G actually indicate "black tie" on the invitation and/or website? And did guests really dress accordingly? Once we get entertainment nailed down, I'm pretty sure we will technically be black tie, but I feel weird actually putting that on our invitations and website. Seems sort of stuffy to me. If we are indeed having these things at our wedding, does etiquette dictate that we should indicate black tie to tell our guests what to expect? Or only that we can if we want to?

These are the black tie requirements as I remember them (might be missing a few):
--Formal invitations and venue
--Valet parking
--Top shelf open bar all night
--Live entertainment
--Tableside white glove service
--Multicourse meal (at least 4, maybe 5 courses?)
--ETA: remembered another one: it's in the evening

You are on the right track but there are more criteria:

Event begins after 6pm
High end, indoor venue
Valet service provided by the Bride and Groom
Gloved service
Hand passed hor d'ourves
Top shelf open bar with full wine list and preferably with a sommelier on site to assist with wine choices.
Multi course gourmet level plated meal- generally 5 to 7 courses, and preferably with dual entrees or tableside ordering
Real china, silver ware, glassware, linens, etc
Multi piece live band and and a DJ or secondary performers for when the main entertainment takes breaks
High end decor and custom lighting

indianaalum · January 2014

Liatris2010 said:

AddieL73 said:

jneen101 said:

I have been to one and I thought it was really rude.

Why was it rude for someone to have a black tie event?

How dare you invite me to a party where I am treated to grey goose martinis and a multi-course gourmet meal with white glove service while being entertained by live music!?!?!?! Jerk.

I definitely think its a "know your crowd" thing, actually. In some circles, they would prefer just to weair a suit they probably already own than to have to go spend 100.00 or so to rent a tux.

In some circles, they do this routinely and own a tux, that is when I say "no big deal"

But let's be honest, if you all guests are "living paycheck to paycheck" kinda people, knowingly having your wedding be a black tie can be an unnecessary expense on your guest (which could then lead them to decline due to the stress/money factor of it)

Liatris2010 · January 2014

But a black suit is also acceptable. No one needs to rent a tux... I agree it can be a know-your-crowd thing, especially if you aren't a group of dressed up people, but a black tie event doesn't mandate a tux rental.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

I have been to very upscale weddings and events, but none that required me to wear a ballgown or FI to rent a tux.

I'm not sure if I would attend a black tie weddings because I definitely don't want to buy a ballgown that I will likely never wear again, and even Rent the Runway can be pricey for those kinds of gowns.

I'd probably just wear a really fancy dress- which I have several- and not worry about it not being a floor length ball gown.

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