Black tie thoughts

sarahufl · January 2014

laurynm84 said:

sarahufl said:

I have been to a couple black tie optional events, but never a full on black tie. I don't run in a circle where it is common, and my family is pretty simple.

I am having my reception in a barn in the afternoon, so I am really far from this

I wouldn't know what to do/wear/bring to a true black tie wedding....

I think this is where the confusion comes in for most people. Many weddings are black tie optional, but you are not supposed to say it on the invitation, because it's not a real thing; it's either black tie or it's not. If your wedding is in a country club, historic mansion, hotel ballroom etc, in the evening, it's perfectly acceptable for people to wear black tie attire, but unless your wedding is actually black tie, you can't specify it on the invitation.

that was the thing- I found it super confusing, to be honest. One of them I wore a tea length, black tulle dress with black sequins scattered on the skirt (very Mad Men and one of my favorite party dresses) and the other, I wore a heavy satin, sleeveless, knee length dark dress. I was dressed appropriately at both, but there was a very wide range of attire.

jdluvr06 · January 2014

Thinking about it I'm not sure I would have gone to that wedding even if I didn't have something else that night. I've been to black tie events before (charity events, and work fundraisers) and I'm never comfortable at them.

Xandy417 · January 2014

Liatris2010 said:

But a black suit is also acceptable. No one needs to rent a tux... I agree it can be a know-your-crowd thing, especially if you aren't a group of dressed up people, but a black tie event doesn't mandate a tux rental.

^ This.

"Invited guests genuinely unable to meet the expense of buying or even renting a dinner jacket may wear a dark suit and tie instead. Guests that own or can easily afford a dinner jacket but cannot be bothered to wear one should politely decline the invitation. To do otherwise is boorish as it tells the organizers in no uncertain terms that their preferences are irrelevant." -BlackTieGuide

For women: "formal evening dress or short, dressy cocktail dress" -Emily Post's Etiquette

indianaalum · January 2014

Xandy417 said:

Liatris2010 said:

But a black suit is also acceptable. No one needs to rent a tux... I agree it can be a know-your-crowd thing, especially if you aren't a group of dressed up people, but a black tie event doesn't mandate a tux rental.

^ This.
"Invited guests genuinely unable to meet the expense of buying or even renting a dinner jacket may wear a dark suit and tie instead. Guests that own or can easily afford a dinner jacket but cannot be bothered to wear one should politely decline the invitation. To do otherwise is boorish as it tells the organizers in no uncertain terms that their preferences are irrelevant." -BlackTieGuide

For women: "formal evening dress or short, dressy cocktail dress" -Emily Post's Etiquette

okay then..devil's advocate.....

I can't afford to rent a tux, so I can wear a black suit....but if everyone ELSE is wearing a tux, I will probably feel uncomfortable all night that even etiquette points out "if you cannot afford a tux, wear a suit"...It's basically like screaming to the world "too poor to rent a tux".. I think that is why some here are saying "know your crowd" when deciding it...

Think Jack Dawson in Titanic, ! LO

Liatris2010 · January 2014

indianaalum said:

Xandy417 said:

Liatris2010 said:

But a black suit is also acceptable. No one needs to rent a tux... I agree it can be a know-your-crowd thing, especially if you aren't a group of dressed up people, but a black tie event doesn't mandate a tux rental.

^ This.
"Invited guests genuinely unable to meet the expense of buying or even renting a dinner jacket may wear a dark suit and tie instead. Guests that own or can easily afford a dinner jacket but cannot be bothered to wear one should politely decline the invitation. To do otherwise is boorish as it tells the organizers in no uncertain terms that their preferences are irrelevant." -BlackTieGuide

For women: "formal evening dress or short, dressy cocktail dress" -Emily Post's Etiquette

okay then..devil's advocate.....

I can't afford to rent a tux, so I can wear a black suit....but if everyone ELSE is wearing a tux, I will probably feel uncomfortable all night that even etiquette points out "if you cannot afford a tux, wear a suit"...It's basically like screaming to the world "too poor to rent a tux".. I think that is why some here are saying "know your crowd" when deciding it...

Think Jack Dawson in Titanic, ! LO

I see what you are saying, but unless your guest list is made up of a bunch of snobs looking to nitpick I doubt anyone will notice. Black tie events are in the evening and have mood lighting, and the difference between a tux and black suit just aren't extreme enough to draw attention. I can see feeling out of place at a really swanky event being the only person not in a tux, but in reality, I think that is rare instance. We are a lot less classist now then we were when the Titanic sailed.

dolewhipper · January 2014

My MOH wants me to put Black Tie Invited on my invitations, but I know 100% we are NOT a black tie wedding. She's more scared about the couple of uncles in our family showing up in blue jeans and short sleeves to our wedding. I don't really care. But what do you all think about having a link to the tux rental on our wedding website? One of the GM works for Mr. Tux (think Mens Warehouse) and is getting all the guys a great deal if they're part of the party, and I'd love to share the wealth. I don't want to offend all the other gentlemen in my family that I know have good sense to wear a jacket though.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

Xandy417 said:

Liatris2010 said:

But a black suit is also acceptable. No one needs to rent a tux... I agree it can be a know-your-crowd thing, especially if you aren't a group of dressed up people, but a black tie event doesn't mandate a tux rental.

^ This.
"Invited guests genuinely unable to meet the expense of buying or even renting a dinner jacket may wear a dark suit and tie instead. Guests that own or can easily afford a dinner jacket but cannot be bothered to wear one should politely decline the invitation. To do otherwise is boorish as it tells the organizers in no uncertain terms that their preferences are irrelevant." -BlackTieGuide

For women: "formal evening dress or short, dressy cocktail dress" -Emily Post's Etiquette

In my head, the bolded is true then why even have a black tie event? I mean if a nice dark suit and a cocktail dress are appropriate for a black tie event then that kind of diminishes the whole "black tie wedding" in my mind. Have the lavish party and all the aspects that go along with a black tie event but then just leave off the whole "black tie attire" on the invite.

jneen101 · January 2014

Liatris2010 said:

But men don't have to wear tuxedos to black tie events, a black suit is also perfectly acceptable.

Oh really?!? She told me he needed a tuxedo!

wrigleyville · January 2014

shannonmaya said:

My MOH wants me to put Black Tie Invited on my invitations, but I know 100% we are NOT a black tie wedding. She's more scared about the couple of uncles in our family showing up in blue jeans and short sleeves to our wedding. I don't really care. But what do you all think about having a link to the tux rental on our wedding website? One of the GM works for Mr. Tux (think Mens Warehouse) and is getting all the guys a great deal if they're part of the party, and I'd love to share the wealth. I don't want to offend all the other gentlemen in my family that I know have good sense to wear a jacket though.

I wouldn't put "Black Tie" if it's simply to prevent blue jeans and t-shirts. You run the risk of people declining because they can't afford the dress code, not realizing you only did that to ensure people dress up.

Plus, there will always be people in blue jeans and t-shirts at weddings, and it really isn't the end of the world.

Also, if I did wear a fancy cocktail dress and your wedding wasn't true black tie, I'd feel pretty overdressed and rather uncomfortable.

dolewhipper · January 2014

wrigleyville said:

shannonmaya said:

My MOH wants me to put Black Tie Invited on my invitations, but I know 100% we are NOT a black tie wedding. She's more scared about the couple of uncles in our family showing up in blue jeans and short sleeves to our wedding. I don't really care. But what do you all think about having a link to the tux rental on our wedding website? One of the GM works for Mr. Tux (think Mens Warehouse) and is getting all the guys a great deal if they're part of the party, and I'd love to share the wealth. I don't want to offend all the other gentlemen in my family that I know have good sense to wear a jacket though.

I wouldn't put "Black Tie" if it's simply to prevent blue jeans and t-shirts. You run the risk of people declining because they can't afford the dress code, not realizing you only did that to ensure people dress up.

Plus, there will always be people in blue jeans and t-shirts at weddings, and it really isn't the end of the world.

Also, if I did wear a fancy cocktail dress and your wedding wasn't true black tie, I'd feel pretty overdressed and rather uncomfortable.

I agree....That's why I'm not having it. My main Q is:But what do you all think about having a link to the tux rental on our wedding website?

csuave · January 2014

I've never been to a black tie wedding but that doesn't surprise me since I live in an "average" city and I don't belong to a black tie kind of crowd. If someone I knew had a black tie wedding it would be nice of course, but it would seem odd. Like why not just have a "regular" wedding and people will dress accordingly for the venue.

I have been to a few black tie party/fundraiser types of events in NYC. These are where I actually get to wear bridesmaid dresses again!

Maggie0829 · January 2014

shannonmaya said:

wrigleyville said:

shannonmaya said:

My MOH wants me to put Black Tie Invited on my invitations, but I know 100% we are NOT a black tie wedding. She's more scared about the couple of uncles in our family showing up in blue jeans and short sleeves to our wedding. I don't really care. But what do you all think about having a link to the tux rental on our wedding website? One of the GM works for Mr. Tux (think Mens Warehouse) and is getting all the guys a great deal if they're part of the party, and I'd love to share the wealth. I don't want to offend all the other gentlemen in my family that I know have good sense to wear a jacket though.

I wouldn't put "Black Tie" if it's simply to prevent blue jeans and t-shirts. You run the risk of people declining because they can't afford the dress code, not realizing you only did that to ensure people dress up.

Plus, there will always be people in blue jeans and t-shirts at weddings, and it really isn't the end of the world.

Also, if I did wear a fancy cocktail dress and your wedding wasn't true black tie, I'd feel pretty overdressed and rather uncomfortable.

I agree....That's why I'm not having it. My main Q is:But what do you all think about having a link to the tux rental on our wedding website?

If you aren't a black tie wedding then I think putting the tux rental link on your website is a no-no.

misshart00 · January 2014

I know this is a huge generalization, but in my experience, people with actual black tie weddings don't put anything about black tie. Either because their guests assume it is or they don't care about how their guests dress.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

Wow, definitely looks like this is a really varied know-your-crowd sort of thing. It never would occur to me people look at it as a nuisance to attend a black tie wedding! Fi really wants to put "Black Tie" on the invitations, but I'm in favor of just not specifying anything. Many of the guests are lawyers and other professionals who would probably show up in a tux without being told, and I don't really want to ask guys to rent tuxes if they don't want to. We have plenty of time to think about it, I was just wondering how all of you felt about black tie and whether you'd be excited or annoyed to see that on the invite.

As for dark suit vs. tux: my understanding of black tie is that the tux is required. But it would be appropriate of the host to overlook a guest in a dark suit if he truly can't afford to rent a tux.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

shannonmaya said:

wrigleyville said:

shannonmaya said:

My MOH wants me to put Black Tie Invited on my invitations, but I know 100% we are NOT a black tie wedding. She's more scared about the couple of uncles in our family showing up in blue jeans and short sleeves to our wedding. I don't really care. But what do you all think about having a link to the tux rental on our wedding website? One of the GM works for Mr. Tux (think Mens Warehouse) and is getting all the guys a great deal if they're part of the party, and I'd love to share the wealth. I don't want to offend all the other gentlemen in my family that I know have good sense to wear a jacket though.

I wouldn't put "Black Tie" if it's simply to prevent blue jeans and t-shirts. You run the risk of people declining because they can't afford the dress code, not realizing you only did that to ensure people dress up.

Plus, there will always be people in blue jeans and t-shirts at weddings, and it really isn't the end of the world.

Also, if I did wear a fancy cocktail dress and your wedding wasn't true black tie, I'd feel pretty overdressed and rather uncomfortable.

I agree....That's why I'm not having it. My main Q is:But what do you all think about having a link to the tux rental on our wedding website?

Do not do this. No one needs to rent a tux to attend yor wedding, unless they are a groomsman.

What other ppl wear to your wedding will have absolutely, zero effect on you, and I'd be surprised to hear if you even noticed what people were wearing.

crackktheskyy · January 2014

misshart00 said:

I know this is a huge generalization, but in my experience, people with actual black tie weddings don't put anything about black tie. Either because their guests assume it is or they don't care about how their guests dress.

This.

Your choice of venue and invitation will set the tone for the type of event you are throwing. If you mention on your wedding website that complementary valet parking will be available for guests who are arriving by car, it further solidifies the point. I generally think that unless the venue itself requires a dress code, it is unnecessary to inform your guests about it. Most people can read between the lines and if they can't, it won't make a bit of difference at the wedding. After all, if you are throwing a genuinely black tie affair, I would expect that your guests will enjoy themselves immensely, even if all of the men aren't wearing tuxedos.

jessicabessica · January 2014

jneen101 said:

freebread03 said:

jneen101 said:

I have been to one and I thought it was really rude.

What was rude about their black tie event? Why did you find it rude, and if you were so offended, why did you go?

Sorry, I should have explained. I thought it was rude to ask the men to rent tuxedos. I was in the the wedding. I was also not dating anyone at the time but for some reason it was REALLY REALLY important for me to have a date. Basically she was obsessed with me having a date. So I ended up asking a guy I had gone on one date with and I thought it was awkward for him to rent a tux. If there was no tuxedo rental involved, I wouldn't have had an issue with it.

The rude part was her insisting that you find a plus one, not having a black tie wedding.

I don't really mind having to dress up, but I think it's silly to have to rent clothing. My DH had to rent one for the last wedding he was in, and the shoes killed his feet. He has nice suits (not super extravagant, but well made suits that he's had tailored to fit him), so the idea of having to rent something is just weird to me (I'm not a Rent the Runway shopper myself).

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

JCBride2014 said:

Wow, definitely looks like this is a really varied know-your-crowd sort of thing. It never would occur to me people look at it as a nuisance to attend a black tie wedding! I guess it is if you have to rent a tux and buy or rent a formal ballgown. Fi really wants to put "Black Tie" on the invitations, but I'm in favor of just not specifying anything. Many of the guests are lawyers and other professionals who would probably show up in a tux without being told, and I don't really want to ask guys to rent tuxes if they don't want to. Huh? The majority of FI's Aunts and Uncles are lawyers, physicians, and engineers, and they don't just show up to formal weddings in tuxes; they wear suits. Does your social circle routinely throw and attend Black Tie functions? We have plenty of time to think about it, I was just wondering how all of you felt about black tie and whether you'd be excited or annoyed to see that on the invite. I would be excited but apprehensive since I don't own a ballgown, and annoyed if the only reason Black Tie was mentioned was so that I would dress up.

As for dark suit vs. tux: my understanding of black tie is that the tux is required. But it would be appropriate of the host to overlook a guest in a dark suit if he truly can't afford to rent a tux.

I agree with the last part- I thought black tie events required one to wear a tux.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

JCBride2014 said:

Wow, definitely looks like this is a really varied know-your-crowd sort of thing. It never would occur to me people look at it as a nuisance to attend a black tie wedding! I guess it is if you have to rent a tux and buy or rent a formal ballgown. Fi really wants to put "Black Tie" on the invitations, but I'm in favor of just not specifying anything. Many of the guests are lawyers and other professionals who would probably show up in a tux without being told, and I don't really want to ask guys to rent tuxes if they don't want to. Huh? The majority of FI's Aunts and Uncles are lawyers, physicians, and engineers, and they don't just show up to formal weddings in tuxes; they wear suits. Does your social circle routinely throw and attend Black Tie functions? We have plenty of time to think about it, I was just wondering how all of you felt about black tie and whether you'd be excited or annoyed to see that on the invite. I would be excited but apprehensive since I don't own a ballgown, and annoyed if the only reason Black Tie was mentioned was so that I would dress up.

As for dark suit vs. tux: my understanding of black tie is that the tux is required. But it would be appropriate of the host to overlook a guest in a dark suit if he truly can't afford to rent a tux.

I agree with the last part- I thought black tie events required one to wear a tux.

My law firm routinely buys tables at black-tie fundraisers, so yes, any colleagues I invite (and law school friends who work for a similar firm) actually would wear a tux because they're used to that. But this is NYC and I'm talking about serious, celebrity-studded gala sort of events. Obviously most people in most parts of the country don't normally attend events like that, so this is a specific thing relevant to my crowd.

Fi is the one who really wants to list Black Tie. I'm of the mind that people will wear tuxes if they want, and those who hate tuxes or can't afford to rent one wouldn't do it anyway no matter what we say on the invite.

Liatris2010 · January 2014

JCBride2014 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

JCBride2014 said:

Wow, definitely looks like this is a really varied know-your-crowd sort of thing. It never would occur to me people look at it as a nuisance to attend a black tie wedding! I guess it is if you have to rent a tux and buy or rent a formal ballgown. Fi really wants to put "Black Tie" on the invitations, but I'm in favor of just not specifying anything. Many of the guests are lawyers and other professionals who would probably show up in a tux without being told, and I don't really want to ask guys to rent tuxes if they don't want to. Huh? The majority of FI's Aunts and Uncles are lawyers, physicians, and engineers, and they don't just show up to formal weddings in tuxes; they wear suits. Does your social circle routinely throw and attend Black Tie functions? We have plenty of time to think about it, I was just wondering how all of you felt about black tie and whether you'd be excited or annoyed to see that on the invite. I would be excited but apprehensive since I don't own a ballgown, and annoyed if the only reason Black Tie was mentioned was so that I would dress up.

As for dark suit vs. tux: my understanding of black tie is that the tux is required. But it would be appropriate of the host to overlook a guest in a dark suit if he truly can't afford to rent a tux.

I agree with the last part- I thought black tie events required one to wear a tux.

My law firm routinely buys tables at black-tie fundraisers, so yes, any colleagues I invite (and law school friends who work for a similar firm) actually would wear a tux because they're used to that. But this is NYC and I'm talking about serious, celebrity-studded gala sort of events. Obviously most people in most parts of the country don't normally attend events like that, so this is a specific thing relevant to my crowd.

Fi is the one who really wants to list Black Tie. I'm of the mind that people will wear tuxes if they want, and those who hate tuxes or can't afford to rent one wouldn't do it anyway no matter what we say on the invite.

I think you're right, and if you list black tie, but yours isn't (you said some of the details weren't hashed out yet?) you'll be setting your guests up for disappointment.

indianaalum · January 2014

JCBride2014 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

JCBride2014 said:

Wow, definitely looks like this is a really varied know-your-crowd sort of thing. It never would occur to me people look at it as a nuisance to attend a black tie wedding! I guess it is if you have to rent a tux and buy or rent a formal ballgown. Fi really wants to put "Black Tie" on the invitations, but I'm in favor of just not specifying anything. Many of the guests are lawyers and other professionals who would probably show up in a tux without being told, and I don't really want to ask guys to rent tuxes if they don't want to. Huh? The majority of FI's Aunts and Uncles are lawyers, physicians, and engineers, and they don't just show up to formal weddings in tuxes; they wear suits. Does your social circle routinely throw and attend Black Tie functions? We have plenty of time to think about it, I was just wondering how all of you felt about black tie and whether you'd be excited or annoyed to see that on the invite. I would be excited but apprehensive since I don't own a ballgown, and annoyed if the only reason Black Tie was mentioned was so that I would dress up.

As for dark suit vs. tux: my understanding of black tie is that the tux is required. But it would be appropriate of the host to overlook a guest in a dark suit if he truly can't afford to rent a tux.

I agree with the last part- I thought black tie events required one to wear a tux.

My law firm routinely buys tables at black-tie fundraisers, so yes, any colleagues I invite (and law school friends who work for a similar firm) actually would wear a tux because they're used to that. But this is NYC and I'm talking about serious, celebrity-studded gala sort of events. Obviously most people in most parts of the country don't normally attend events like that, so this is a specific thing relevant to my crowd.

Fi is the one who really wants to list Black Tie. I'm of the mind that people will wear tuxes if they want, and those who hate tuxes or can't afford to rent one wouldn't do it anyway no matter what we say on the invite.

Listing it as "black tie" must be backed up with all the requirements that go along with that. I hope you do realize that. If not, go look through thread and see requirments.

you can't just write it on an invitation if it isn't TRULY a black tie caliber event

JCbride2015 · January 2014

Liatris2010 said:
I think you're right, and if you list black tie, but yours isn't (you said some of the details weren't hashed out yet?) you'll be setting your guests up for disappointment.

Yep-- we have everything on PrettyGirlLost's list, except we aren't sure whether we want a band, DJ, or some combination of both. I know it's more formal to have a band, but my friends are a big dancing and partying crowd, and might actually enjoy a DJ more.

So in the end, we may not technically be black-tie. I was mostly curious what everybody thinks about black tie. I keep seeing etiquette advice that Black Tie is the only attire you can list on an invite, and only if it really is black tie, but I was wondering how many people actually do that. I think the answer is, not very many.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

indianaalum said:

JCBride2014 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

JCBride2014 said:

Wow, definitely looks like this is a really varied know-your-crowd sort of thing. It never would occur to me people look at it as a nuisance to attend a black tie wedding! I guess it is if you have to rent a tux and buy or rent a formal ballgown. Fi really wants to put "Black Tie" on the invitations, but I'm in favor of just not specifying anything. Many of the guests are lawyers and other professionals who would probably show up in a tux without being told, and I don't really want to ask guys to rent tuxes if they don't want to. Huh? The majority of FI's Aunts and Uncles are lawyers, physicians, and engineers, and they don't just show up to formal weddings in tuxes; they wear suits. Does your social circle routinely throw and attend Black Tie functions? We have plenty of time to think about it, I was just wondering how all of you felt about black tie and whether you'd be excited or annoyed to see that on the invite. I would be excited but apprehensive since I don't own a ballgown, and annoyed if the only reason Black Tie was mentioned was so that I would dress up.

As for dark suit vs. tux: my understanding of black tie is that the tux is required. But it would be appropriate of the host to overlook a guest in a dark suit if he truly can't afford to rent a tux.

I agree with the last part- I thought black tie events required one to wear a tux.

My law firm routinely buys tables at black-tie fundraisers, so yes, any colleagues I invite (and law school friends who work for a similar firm) actually would wear a tux because they're used to that. But this is NYC and I'm talking about serious, celebrity-studded gala sort of events. Obviously most people in most parts of the country don't normally attend events like that, so this is a specific thing relevant to my crowd.

Fi is the one who really wants to list Black Tie. I'm of the mind that people will wear tuxes if they want, and those who hate tuxes or can't afford to rent one wouldn't do it anyway no matter what we say on the invite.

Listing it as "black tie" must be backed up with all the requirements that go along with that. I hope you do realize that. If not, go look through thread and see requirments.

you can't just write it on an invitation if it isn't TRULY a black tie caliber event

Not to be snarky-- but did you see my OP?

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

JCBride2014 said:

Liatris2010 said:
I think you're right, and if you list black tie, but yours isn't (you said some of the details weren't hashed out yet?) you'll be setting your guests up for disappointment.

Yep-- we have everything on PrettyGirlLost's list, except we aren't sure whether we want a band, DJ, or some combination of both. I know it's more formal to have a band, but my friends are a big dancing and partying crowd, and might actually enjoy a DJ more.

So in the end, we may not technically be black-tie. I was mostly curious what everybody thinks about black tie. I keep seeing etiquette advice that Black Tie is the only attire you can list on an invite, and only if it really is black tie, but I was wondering how many people actually do that. I think the answer is, not very many.

Ack! Don't listen to me!! :-P

So much pressure, now. . .

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

JCBride2014 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

JCBride2014 said:

Wow, definitely looks like this is a really varied know-your-crowd sort of thing. It never would occur to me people look at it as a nuisance to attend a black tie wedding! I guess it is if you have to rent a tux and buy or rent a formal ballgown. Fi really wants to put "Black Tie" on the invitations, but I'm in favor of just not specifying anything. Many of the guests are lawyers and other professionals who would probably show up in a tux without being told, and I don't really want to ask guys to rent tuxes if they don't want to. Huh? The majority of FI's Aunts and Uncles are lawyers, physicians, and engineers, and they don't just show up to formal weddings in tuxes; they wear suits. Does your social circle routinely throw and attend Black Tie functions? We have plenty of time to think about it, I was just wondering how all of you felt about black tie and whether you'd be excited or annoyed to see that on the invite. I would be excited but apprehensive since I don't own a ballgown, and annoyed if the only reason Black Tie was mentioned was so that I would dress up.

As for dark suit vs. tux: my understanding of black tie is that the tux is required. But it would be appropriate of the host to overlook a guest in a dark suit if he truly can't afford to rent a tux.

I agree with the last part- I thought black tie events required one to wear a tux.

My law firm routinely buys tables at black-tie fundraisers, so yes, any colleagues I invite (and law school friends who work for a similar firm) actually would wear a tux because they're used to that. That's what I thought you had mentioned in the past. But this is NYC and I'm talking about serious, celebrity-studded gala sort of events. Ugh, just rub it in our faces why dontcha! Jelly! Obviously most people in most parts of the country don't normally attend events like that, so this is a specific thing relevant to my crowd.

Fi is the one who really wants to list Black Tie. I'm of the mind that people will wear tuxes if they want, and those who hate tuxes or can't afford to rent one wouldn't do it anyway no matter what we say on the invite.

If FI really wants to do it and you are having a true black tie function, and your friends and family are used to going to these events, I don't think you would offend or freak anyone out if you let FI have his way. And then FI would be so happy! ;-)

phira · January 2014

What I find really amusing is that I was a serious classical musician from elementary school through college, and for many years I assumed that all men owned tuxes. After all, all of my guy friends (who were all classical musicians) owned them, and my (wealthy) dad had one ... I remember when I went to prom and my date had to rent a tux that I was really confused.

I don't think it's offensive or rude to have a black tie wedding. I just think that if you choose to have such a formal event, you'll need to have certain expectations regarding which guests are not going to attend. And if you're a guest and you're invited to a black tie event, I think that it's important to either pay for the necessary attire or decline the invitation without letting complaints get back to the couple. Invitations aren't subpoenas.

silver0319 · January 2014

@JCBride2014, your venue is one that easily lends itself to black-tie. Having grown up in the area, it's one of those places where people equated it with a certain level of formality.

I do remember going to my cousin's "black tie optional" wedding as a kid, and seeing lots of people in tuxes and fancy gowns. I also remember the one guy who showed up in khakis and boat shoes.

Jen4948 · January 2014

I don't think black tie weddings are rude. If you are inviting people who are not used to it, it is possible that they will not understand what you are looking for or choose not to attend, but the act of inviting them is not rude or offensive. And if it's necessary for a man to rent a tuxedo to attend such an event, then that's what he has to do. The invitation is not a subpoena, but it is on male guests to understand what is expected in terms of dress. In turn, the hosts do have to make the wedding a true black-tie wedding with the elements referenced above.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

silver0319 said:

@JCBride2014, your venue is one that easily lends itself to black-tie. Having grown up in the area, it's one of those places where people equated it with a certain level of formality.

I do remember going to my cousin's "black tie optional" wedding as a kid, and seeing lots of people in tuxes and fancy gowns. I also remember the one guy who showed up in khakis and boat shoes.

Thanks @silver0319-- how nice to hear! I love our venue. The photographer I just contacted actually just told us he loves it so much, he's getting married there himself next month! I think this is a good sign (for the venue, and the photographer).

ootmother2 · January 2014

I've been to quite a few but probably only because I lived in NYC most of my life and evening weddings there are generally black tie.

How did I know? The venue, the time, the hosts (to an extent)

Black tie thoughts

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