on with the wedding

Viczaesar · January 2014

Please don't post in bold, it's very difficult to read.

I don't understand your timeline at all. When did you first send invitations? When did the back surgery happen? When did you send the second set of invitations? When was the RSVP deadline? If you're 19 days from your wedding how could it be at least a week since your RSVP deadline? None of this makes sense.

[Deleted User] · January 2014

We sent out invitations in October so they'd have plenty of time to respond due to the holidays. The RSVP deadline was 1/4. We accepted them until 1/11. The caterer requires a head count and meal option 3 weeks before the wedding. The seating chart is due 2 weeks prior to the event. That is the most difficult part. The caterer's policy was not a big deal when we booked them since we knew who would be coming. (Our original guest list had our loved ones who would not miss our wedding.), We allowed time to tally the numbers since we offered 3 meal choices. We knew we would have to follow up. We're still offering 3 meal choices, but the problem is that one cannot follow up or plan for someone for whom you have no information.

My surgery was unplanned and in late October. The bills are still arriving. That's common with hospitals and health insurance agencies.

I apologize if it's difficult to read. I didn't change anything in the original format. I'll try not to use complex or compound sentences. I followed The Knot's timeline and recommendations for weddings post-holiday. I apologize if that doesn't make sense to you. Forgive my use of clauses.

melbelleup · January 2014

taras14 said:

We sent out invitations in October so they'd have plenty of time to respond due to the holidays. The RSVP deadline was 1/4. We accepted them until 1/11. The caterer requires a head count and meal option 3 weeks before the wedding. The seating chart is due 2 weeks prior to the event. That is the most difficult part. The caterer's policy was not a big deal when we booked them since we knew who would be coming. (Our original guest list had our loved ones who would not miss our wedding.), We allowed time to tally the numbers since we offered 3 meal choices. We knew we would have to follow up. We're still offering 3 meal choices, but the problem is that one cannot follow up or plan for someone for whom you have no information.

My surgery was unplanned and in late October. The bills are still arriving. That's common with hospitals and health insurance agencies.

I apologize if it's difficult to read. I didn't change anything in the original format. I'll try not to use complex or compound sentences. I followed The Knot's timeline and recommendations for weddings post-holiday. I apologize if that doesn't make sense to you. Forgive my use of clauses.

It wasn't your sentences, I understood them perfectly. It was your font. It's really hard on the eyes. I have no idea how to fix this though without asking your parents to tell you every single person and their contact information so you can figure everything out including meals and seating.

melbelleup · January 2014

scribe95 said:

Why don't you have information for the added people? You sent out late invites right?

It's people that invited themselves, sounds like to her parents, not her.

[Deleted User] · January 2014

Thanks!

I was hoping there was some way without hurting my parents' feelings since I believe their intentions were to bail us out of a jam. And yes, we have the information for the people who received invitations from us. However, now that we're close to the date, people who know about the event via word of mouth (& that our parents are helping to pay) are treating it like a party/ reunion/ get-together. My original question concerned how to handle the invitees of the invites and uninvited, for whom I have no information or even last names.

misshart00 · January 2014

I would just make sure to have escort cards for your friends/family that did RSVP. Then the other people will have to be turned away.

[Deleted User] · January 2014

We mailed 35 more to our parents' friends after the surgery when our parents offered help. That doubled our guest total as it was at 55 then to 113. We knew that many of our friends couldn't make it out of the original 50 invites, but they were so happy for us that they requested invitations. Now there's 168 that we're trying to accommodate, and we don't know where they're coming from. This is where the "tacky to turn them away" tension is becoming a nightmare.

LDay2014 · January 2014

taras14 said:

We mailed 35 more to our parents' friends after the surgery when our parents offered help. That doubled our guest total as it was at 55 then to 113. We knew that many of our friends couldn't make it out of the original 50 invites, but they were so happy for us that they requested invitations. Now there's 168 that we're trying to accommodate, and we don't know where they're coming from. This is where the "tacky to turn them away" tension is becoming a nightmare.

Stop trying to accommodate people who aren't invited. It's very simple. You tell you parents that the 35 invites you sent out the second time have been accommodated for but it isn't feasible to make this into a reunion on their behalf. It first and foremost YOUR wedding.

Yes, your parents have helped you out and you have accommodated them accordingly. The venue needs specific numbers. You need specific numbers - and names. If your parents want to have a reunion, they can have an after party.

jenna8984 · January 2014

taras14 said:

We mailed 35 more to our parents' friends after the surgery when our parents offered help. That doubled our guest total as it was at 55 then to 113. We knew that many of our friends couldn't make it out of the original 50 invites, but they were so happy for us that they requested invitations. Now there's 168 that we're trying to accommodate, and we don't know where they're coming from. This is where the "tacky to turn them away" tension is becoming a nightmare.

This situation still is not being made clear. What do you mean you "don't know where they're coming from". You literally have random people who weren't invited calling your parents and saying "yes, I'm coming!"? Is that the issue? Because it's really not that hard for your parents to say I'm sorry we can only accommodate X number of people so only those who received a formal invitation are welcome.

And I've never heard of anyone calling to RSVP to something they weren't invited to.......?

speedyblazer11 · January 2014

It sounds to me like your a bit frustrated that you are also not getting your the wedding you envisioned (sorry that is the best word to use not trying to make you sound bridezilla). And I am having this as well. Then on top of that people just assuming that they are invited to your wedding is not ok. If I were you then I would call/email/skype/facebook/ hunt down the people that you know got an invite, a real paper invite, and ask them point blank are you coming to my wedding.

The other people that got "invited" by word of mouth there isn't a lot you can do about it, and it sucks

all you can do is A) ask your parents or whoever has "invited" these people who they are and then call all of them to see what their meal choices are or

just say screw them and decide that this is NOT your fault and that they will just have to be turned away. or C) Continue to stress and hope that it all works out ok and not enjoy your day.

I am not saying this is very etiquette friendly, but I would really shoot for option B. Enjoy your day and let someone else, who is responsible for the circus they created, deal with it. But you really should at least thank your parents for being able to help pay for the circus.

Good luck!

[Deleted User] · January 2014

Yes, uninvited people are calling our parents saying they're coming. I didn't know it could happen either. I've avoided social media during engagement because as soon as my status changed, I had requests to come to wedding (before date even set!) It seems to be spreading word of mouth amongst people who know my and his parents (2 different circles in Houston and Austin) from their high school/work/college days, and that's why I don't know if they realize it's our wedding. I know numbers by texts, NOT invitations, I get from our parents for 1 beef, chicken or fish at a time. It is a nightmare. Thank you LDay2014 for understanding the situation.

I have made every effort to accommodate them out of appreciation for their help during an emergency, but I need to figure out how to stop it. This is not the way I wanted to start a relationship with my in-laws or a situation to handle before the wedding.

I guess it would be confusing to me as well if it wasn't happening. Actually, I still don't know how this happened. The two things our parents have told us, "It's a compliment that people want to be a part of your wedding," and "It's tacky to turn them away." However, we don't know these people so it's impossible to believe those lines.

misshart00 · January 2014

Can you ask your parents for these people's contact info? I don't know if it's etiquette appropriate, but you need to call them and tell them you cannot accommodate them.

If you can't do that, I stand by my previous post. Have escort cards and tables for those invited. And let the others be turned away when they don't have an escort card or place to sit.

AprilH81 · January 2014

taras14 said:

Yes, uninvited people are calling our parents saying they're coming. I didn't know it could happen either. I've avoided social media during engagement because as soon as my status changed, I had requests to come to wedding (before date even set!) It seems to be spreading word of mouth amongst people who know my and his parents (2 different circles in Houston and Austin) from their high school/work/college days, and that's why I don't know if they realize it's our wedding. I know numbers by texts, NOT invitations, I get from our parents for 1 beef, chicken or fish at a time. It is a nightmare. Thank you LDay2014 for understanding the situation.

I have made every effort to accommodate them out of appreciation for their help during an emergency, but I need to figure out how to stop it. This is not the way I wanted to start a relationship with my in-laws or a situation to handle before the wedding.

I guess it would be confusing to me as well if it wasn't happening. Actually, I still don't know how this happened. The two things our parents have told us, "It's a compliment that people want to be a part of your wedding," and "It's tacky to turn them away." However, we don't know these people so it's impossible to believe those lines.

It is not tacky to turn them away (but it is hard) it is TACKY to invite yourself to a wedding which is what these people are doing.

You may have a count of "15 fish, 30 chicken" but do you know who is getting these? If you are having a seated dinner the venue will need to know that information.

I'm sorry this is such a mess but the parents need to stop this now.

OliveOilsMom · January 2014

Can you just run away and elope? Then you can let your parents figure this whole party debactle out!

JCbride2015 · January 2014

Wow, what a disaster. You need to sit down and talk with your parents-- this is their problem and they need to fix it. Decide before you talk to them what you are after: for these people not to show up, or just to get their contact information. Then no more invites go out, and your parents have to track down each person to A) get meal choice and contact info, or

tell them they cannot be accommodated. This will not be a fun conversation with your parents but you need to talk to them.

aurorajanette · January 2014

scribe95 said:

This is a royal mess. And frankly it's on your parents to clean it up.

Do they not understand seating and meals etc?

First, no more invites to anyone!!!! Verbally, formally, by text. Nothing.

Second, they need to contact every person and get their meal choice etc.

This 100%. It sounds like these people who are RSVPing with no invites are your parent's friends. It's now on them to call them and tell them that can't be accommodated. Make it clear to your parents that they can call them and explain to them nicely on the phone, or they will be denied at the door. I think the phone call will go over a lot better than denying them entry at the event itself, especially if traveling is involved.

MyNameIsNot · January 2014

misshart00 said:

Can you ask your parents for these people's contact info? I don't know if it's etiquette appropriate, but you need to call them and tell them you cannot accommodate them. If you can't do that, I stand by my previous post. Have escort cards and tables for those invited. And let the others be turned away when they don't have an escort card or place to sit.

I think this is your only option at this point. Getting a plate and a place card for all these uninvited guests is not going to work if your parents won't give you a list of people that are coming.

It's not tacky to turn uninvited guests away. To be honest, anyone that would show up to a wedding where they didn't receive an invitation should expect to be turned away.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

This is a cluster. At this point, I ditto @OliveOilsMom; just elope. There's no way this is going to go well and you're just going to be stressed about it.

Also, the comment about not using complex sentences was unnecessarily snarky and rude. Your sentences were fine to understand; it was your time line and the rest if the story that was a problem.

AprilH81 · January 2014

Another option would be to hire security and provide him/her with a list of guests that were invited and RSVP'd yes. Anyone not on the list should be turned away, no exceptions.

Jen4948 · January 2014

taras14 said:

Yes, uninvited people are calling our parents saying they're coming. I didn't know it could happen either. I've avoided social media during engagement because as soon as my status changed, I had requests to come to wedding (before date even set!) It seems to be spreading word of mouth amongst people who know my and his parents (2 different circles in Houston and Austin) from their high school/work/college days, and that's why I don't know if they realize it's our wedding. I know numbers by texts, NOT invitations, I get from our parents for 1 beef, chicken or fish at a time. It is a nightmare. Thank you LDay2014 for understanding the situation.

I have made every effort to accommodate them out of appreciation for their help during an emergency, but I need to figure out how to stop it. This is not the way I wanted to start a relationship with my in-laws or a situation to handle before the wedding.

I guess it would be confusing to me as well if it wasn't happening. Actually, I still don't know how this happened. The two things our parents have told us, "It's a compliment that people want to be a part of your wedding," and "It's tacky to turn them away." However, we don't know these people so it's impossible to believe those lines.

If it's impossible to believe these lines (and I don't believe them, because it's not necessarily a compliment that people want to attend a wedding-they may be out to score free food or have a reunion that someone else is paying for; nor is it "tacky to turn them away,") then you should be able to establish that actions have consequences by turning away uninvited guests.

Your parents need to stop expecting you to entertain their guests when you don't even know who they are, and to accept that these people may well get turned away-and it's on them, not you, if you have to do so. I think you and your FI need to have a come-to-Jesus with them, and stand firm-and finance your own wedding if necessary so they cannot threaten to pull financing as a weapon against you.

Liatris2010 · January 2014

I would let the venue know to expect uninvited guests and to have them turned away at the door. You can hire someone, or ask the venue to hire someone to stand by the escort cards and hand them out. Anyone without an escort card can be escorted off the premises.

Alternatively, set two empty tables for all the surprise guests, and hope that is enough to seat them all.

jdluvr06 · January 2014

I have nothing to add that PPs haven't already said. I'm sorry that this has turned into such a huge mess for you though and hope that you are feeling better after your surgery.

[Deleted User] · January 2014

OK- Thanks y'all. We tried to finalize with vendors over weekend, and that's why I needed input. You've helped a lot. I couldn't find a polite way to handle the situation. It's clear now there's no proper clean way to handle this. My FH & I were kind of joking that we should marry at the rehearsal dinner since those are the ones whom we love. We badly want to elope at this point, but he won't because he doesn't want to hurt anyone either. Ironically, the scheme we did talk about this weekend was having the ushers turn people away or point them out to the venue coordinator, as several of you helpfully suggested.

I've already made the escort and place cards, and space is limited so there simply won't be room for them. I'm just going to try not to worry about it, and people will have to be turned away. We've had this discussion, and our parents won't budge. I was REALLY hoping that there would be some proper etiquette that I could call upon to handle this disaster, but what will be will be. All that matters to me is that I'm marrying the man of my dreams, and he is right beside me through this all. One day, we'll laugh… Way in the future. I truly appreciate your advice and opinions. They've been very enlightening as to the big picture and how to handle it. Thank you!

short+sassy · January 2014

It sounds like you need to force your parents to grow a backbone. I would lay it out point blank for them and say it with a "no questions" attitude. Something like, "Look, I realize people have been inviting themselves to my wedding and you all are having a hard time saying no. But you HAVE to. There is only room for the people specifically invited. I have to/had to turn in hard numbers to the caterer. I will have place cards and/or security for invited guests who accepted the invitation. Anyone else will be turned away at the door. Do you want actual guests to go without food because of crashers? Isn't it a lot easier to say NO now, than have people show up and be turned away?"

APDSS22 · January 2014

I hope your parents would know that the event they're helping to bank roll would be a seated event, so why would they not give you names and contact info for escort cards even if they're okay with the extra burden of expenses these extra guests represent? I think you need to tell your parents that this is stressing you out, and why. You should tell them that you really do appreciate their help financially but even if these people really do want to celebrate your marriage, you thought the guest list was final when you sent out the additional invitations.

If you just need names and contact info for escort cards and to possibly send out thank you notes for any gifts received, your parents should be able to see this and get you the information. At the very least, you should make your parents aware of the deadlines for seating charts and escort cards and the seating limitations of the venue so they don't keep allowing people to invite themselves past the point that can be accommodated. If you want these people to be un-invited, you need to either get your parents to make the necessary calls or give you the phone numbers to do it yourself.

ETA: And if you do end up turning people away at the door, you might want to hire security so you have someone physically capable of removing unwanted guests and not distracted by the ceremony, other guests or the reception goings-on.

AprilH81 · January 2014

@taras14 Please don't make the ushers be the bad guy, they had NO part in this mess and shouldn't have to get involved.

Your venue, hired security or the parents are the only ones who can police who is allowed into the venue.

Jen4948 · January 2014

AprilH81 said:

@taras14 Please don't make the ushers be the bad guy, they had NO part in this mess and shouldn't have to get involved.

Your venue, hired security or the parents are the only ones who can police who is allowed into the venue.

The parents are responsible for this mess. I would not trust them to police who is allowed into the venue, because they'll allow everyone inside on the basis of their "it's tacky to turn people away" crap.

AprilH81 · January 2014

Jen4948 said:

AprilH81 said:

@taras14 Please don't make the ushers be the bad guy, they had NO part in this mess and shouldn't have to get involved.

Your venue, hired security or the parents are the only ones who can police who is allowed into the venue.

The parents are responsible for this mess. I would not trust them to police who is allowed into the venue, because they'll allow everyone inside on the basis of

True, I didn't think that all the way through. I was just trying to protect the ushers.

MairePoppy · January 2014

tara - I have a feeling that your parents won't give you contact information because they invited those friends verbally. They are too embarrassed to call them and un-invite them. I don't believe that 100 people called, out of the blue, to tell your parents they're coming to your wedding. Hire a doorman to hand out those escort cards and not let anyone else in. Let your parents know that the extra guests will not be allowed in. They can choose to bite the bullet and make those calls now, or embarrass their guests at the door.

Viczaesar · January 2014

taras14 said:

Yes, uninvited people are calling our parents saying they're coming. I didn't know it could happen either. I've avoided social media during engagement because as soon as my status changed, I had requests to come to wedding (before date even set!) It seems to be spreading word of mouth amongst people who know my and his parents (2 different circles in Houston and Austin) from their high school/work/college days, and that's why I don't know if they realize it's our wedding. I know numbers by texts, NOT invitations, I get from our parents for 1 beef, chicken or fish at a time. It is a nightmare. Thank you LDay2014 for understanding the situation.

I have made every effort to accommodate them out of appreciation for their help during an emergency, but I need to figure out how to stop it. This is not the way I wanted to start a relationship with my in-laws or a situation to handle before the wedding.

I guess it would be confusing to me as well if it wasn't happening. Actually, I still don't know how this happened. The two things our parents have told us, "It's a compliment that people want to be a part of your wedding," and "It's tacky to turn them away." However, we don't know these people so it's impossible to believe those lines.

Your parents need to tell them no. You yourself can't stop it if they're calling in to your parents and your parents are saying yes to anyone and everyone who asks if they can come to the wedding. However, since your parents are unwilling to stop this your hands are tied.

You say they're helping you out of the bind. How exactly are they helping you? I don't mean that sarcastically, I mean it literally. Are they paying the caterer/venue directly, or are they giving you money and the final bills will be your responsibility to pay?

At this point it seems like you have three choices - throw your hands in the air and let it be your parents' problem to host the wedding, including figuring out the catering numbers, seating chart, and paying for the whole thing; having a come to Jesus talk with them and telling them they need to get your shit together or you're just going to cancel the wedding altogether; or just going ahead and cancelling the wedding and eloping or having a wedding later when you have your financial feet back under you.

October was way too early for you to send invitations for a February wedding. The invitation timeline is 6-8 weeks before the wedding, not 5 months. If you hadn't already sent invitations in October you would have had more flexibility to change your plans or postpone if necessary when the back surgery came up, for example. It's too late for you, obviously, but not for other brides reading this.

on with the wedding

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