Thorny situation with family

Re: Thorny situation with family

• cruffino member

  

  January 2014

  LizM61409 said:

  So I thought we had the guest list squared away. I'm addressing the STDs which will be mailed after the snow stops so I can go buy more stamps. The guest list includes an aunt and cousin on my dad's side who I'm not very close with (we just live far apart, no issues or anything). So everything I've heard about this situation is second-hand because my dad's been the one talking with his sister about it:

  
  

  Today my mom informed me that I would be inviting this cousin by herself, and NOT her husband. I told her I can't do that, if she's invited her husband is also. My cousin is then welcome to only RSVP for herself if she wants to come without him. I was then told that her husband had cheated on her and that they're "seeing if they can work things out"

  
  

  My thoughts on the situation are

  1. Aaaahhhhhh the etiquette gods' heads will explode if I invite her without the person she's still married to

  2. But her mother has spread the word that she wants to be invited without him, and I don't want to make her cry when she sees the STD or invite with his name on it

  3. But mothers can be biased. The only communication with my family has been through my aunt. Maybe the cousin is willing to forgive her husband and they really are working on it, but my aunt is holding a grudge (though she doesn't strike me as a grudge sort of person)

  4. The wedding is still 6 months away. Anything can happen between now and then.

  
  

  I am facebook friends with the cousin (though we never really talk)- I did a little stalking, and she had a nice pic of her with the hubs in Oct, then in mid Dec changed her profile pic to one without him. Her status still says married. I considered sending her a fb message asking how she wants the invite addressed, but I don't know how close she thinks this info is being kept and the last thing I'd want to do is upset her by asking about it if I wasn't supposed to know about it in the first place.

  
  

  My inclination is to include the husband on the invite, because they are still married and haven't started any official separation/divorce stuff, and because the wedding is still pretty far off. 

  
  

  Thoughts?

  
  

  I agree with your inclination and think you have two options. 1) Skip the save the date for this cousin. You still have a few months before you need to send invitations. Her relationship status may change.
  
  Or 2) send it to her and her husband. You don't know if they're breaking up or not. They are still married and as such should be addressed as a couple.

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  January 2014

  Tough call. I think that even if they are still legally married, if she doesn't want him invited, that is her call.  People stay married all the time, even though they no longer have a romantic relationship. I would probably address it to both her and her husband, and if she wants to tell you herself, that's up to her.

  
  

  Maybe other posters will have some good advice.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• JCbride2015 member

  

  January 2014

  Can you think of a reason you might not know her address or something?  I might call/Facebook her and say, "I can't seem to find your address anywhere.  Can you tell me so I can send your STDate?"  Then you've given her the opening to tell you not to address it to H.

  
  

  Granted it's a little dishonest, but I think it's a white lie and a good way to spare her feelings.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

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• kmmssg mod

  

  January 2014

  This puts you in an uncomfortable position.  Is it widely known that he cheated and the whole dang family is in the know here?  OR Is this a quiet indiscretion that no one is really supposed to know about but your Aunt is butting in on her DD's behalf?

  
  

  If this is on the down low you would have no idea the cheating occurred and of course you would send the STD to them both.  If this has been broadcast via the intergalactic news channel and the whole dang family knows about it, you want to be sensitive to her emotions right now.  (My ex-h cheated on me and if someone would have known we were separated and sent me a joint STD my feelings would have been really hurt).

  
  

  Is this a quiet thing or does everyone know?

  
  

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• Knope2014 member

  

  January 2014

  kmmssg said:

  This puts you in an uncomfortable position.  Is it widely known that he cheated and the whole dang family is in the know here?  OR Is this a quiet indiscretion that no one is really supposed to know about but your Aunt is butting in on her DD's behalf?

  
  

  If this is on the down low you would have no idea the cheating occurred and of course you would send the STD to them both.  If this has been broadcast via the intergalactic news channel and the whole dang family knows about it, you want to be sensitive to her emotions right now.  (My ex-h cheated on me and if someone would have known we were separated and sent me a joint STD my feelings would have been really hurt).

  
  

  Is this a quiet thing or does everyone know?

  
  

  I agree with this.  If it's a quiet thing, than address to both.  It everyone knows, address it to her and guest maybe? That way she can come alone, or with her husband.  But that may be a bad idea, I'm not sure.

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• LizM61409 member

  

  January 2014

  kmmssg said:

  This puts you in an uncomfortable position.  Is it widely known that he cheated and the whole dang family is in the know here?  OR Is this a quiet indiscretion that no one is really supposed to know about but your Aunt is butting in on her DD's behalf?

  
  

  If this is on the down low you would have no idea the cheating occurred and of course you would send the STD to them both.  If this has been broadcast via the intergalactic news channel and the whole dang family knows about it, you want to be sensitive to her emotions right now.  (My ex-h cheated on me and if someone would have known we were separated and sent me a joint STD my feelings would have been really hurt).

  
  

  Is this a quiet thing or does everyone know?

  
  

  The answer to that is I'm not sure. I'll talk to my parents and see whether they have a better sense of it.

  

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• kmmssg mod

  

  January 2014

  LizM61409 said:

  kmmssg said:

  This puts you in an uncomfortable position.  Is it widely known that he cheated and the whole dang family is in the know here?  OR Is this a quiet indiscretion that no one is really supposed to know about but your Aunt is butting in on her DD's behalf?

  
  

  If this is on the down low you would have no idea the cheating occurred and of course you would send the STD to them both.  If this has been broadcast via the intergalactic news channel and the whole dang family knows about it, you want to be sensitive to her emotions right now.  (My ex-h cheated on me and if someone would have known we were separated and sent me a joint STD my feelings would have been really hurt).

  
  

  Is this a quiet thing or does everyone know?

  
  

  The answer to that is I'm not sure. I'll talk to my parents and see whether they have a better sense of it.

  I think the "right" thing to do is what keeps her dignity in tact best.  Once you can get some answers  on this, the right thing is the most kind thing.  When your spouse has cheated on you it is beyond devastating and if a lot of people know you just feel like a major loser.  Kind of like everyone is looking at you and whispering behind their backs, even if they aren't.  Figure out what the most kind thing is here for her and do that.  Good luck!

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  January 2014

  I like @cruffino's suggestion of just not sending her a STDate. They're not required for every guest.

  
  

  If her mother finds out about her not getting one, relay to her through your father the message about STDate = an invite, and say you didn't want to send it to her alone and not her DH in case they work things out, but you also didn't want to invite her and her DH because if they split up, he's still invited (technically true, even if you wouldn't invite him without her). 

  
  

  STDates are a courtesy, not a requirement.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• phira member

  

  January 2014

  Agree with previous posters.

  
  

  You don't have to send her a save-the-date. Alternatively, if you do send one to her and her husband, and they separate before the wedding, I think it's okay not to send him an invitation (or it's okay to call her and ask). When someone is only being invited to a wedding because of their marriage to a family member, when that marriage is on hold or over, the requirement for an invite becomes less firm.

  
  

  I think you're being very thoughtful about this really difficult situation.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  January 2014

  I vote for put both names on the STD. If they are trying to work things out, it shouldn't upset her. If you don't include his name, she may end very embarassed finding out you know about what happened between them. It may not be something she wanted everyone in the extended family to know about. I would "play dumb" for now & just put both their names on the STD. Then when it comes time to send out the invites you can find out what her situation is then.

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  January 2014

  JCBride2014 said:

  Can you think of a reason you might not know her address or something?  I might call/Facebook her and say, "I can't seem to find your address anywhere.  Can you tell me so I can send your STDate?"  Then you've given her the opening to tell you not to address it to H.

  
  

  Granted it's a little dishonest, but I think it's a white lie and a good way to spare her feelings.

  This is what I would do.  If you're certain that the address is right, maybe send a PM under the guise of confirming her address.

  
  

  If there's nothing on FB and she's "trying to work it out," she probably would be embarrassed to find out that this is being spread around to extended family.  I'd be mortified if I were in her position and I found out someone was telling the whole family.  

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• LizM61409 member

  

  January 2014

  Excellent points about how if I invite her without DH she might be mortified that everyone know about their issues.

  
  

  Today I sent her a FB message (private, not on her wall or anything) asking for her address to send her a STD. I really don't have it, so it's not even a white lie. I was gonna get it from my mom like I am for other family members, but I agree with @JCBride2014 that asking her opens the door to say "hey btw don't put DH's name on it". If she just gives me the address and doesn't mention DH, I'll put both names on.

  
  

  Thanks for the advice and suggestions!

  

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• erinlin25 member

  

  January 2014

  unless cousin has personally told you of her changed status I would send the STD to her and her husband. Right now it is hear-say so for all you know she is happily married.  By the time invitations go out and the status has changed you can adjust the invitation, or she can choose to either bring her husband or RSVP solo.  No matter what has happened in the relationship they may decide to continue to the relationship so regardless of the aunt, mom whatever likes him--he would still get invited he is her SO.
  

  
  
  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  I think the best way to handle things for now is to do one of two alternatives:
  
  1) Send no STD to your cousin at all and just send her an invitation when they go out, at which time you may have heard definitely from her what her status is.
  2) Send her and her husband an STD, because as PPs have mentioned, you only have hearsay that she is separating from him.  Until you know for sure what her status is, treat it as though she's still married to her husband.
  

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