Please help! Small ceremony and large reception questions

louwagie08 · January 2014

My fiance and I are both reserved and don't like being the center of attention. We are leaning towards inviting only family to our ceremony (which is still 100 people), and have a larger reception where everyone would be invited to social hour, sit down supper, and the dance (they would have separate invites). If you were invited to everything but the ceremony, knowing the reason is because it was family only.. would you be offended? Also, do we put on both invites where we are going to be registered? -- Also, suggestions on wording would be great!

lyndausvi · January 2014

I've been invited to 2 such events. One I was invited to both, the other to only the reception. We also traveled to both. I didn't have a problem with the concept at all. That said, 100 people is a lot of people. Way more than what I would consider "private". Unless you were inviting some 600+ people I would feel slighted not getting an invite to the ceremony. If you cut that down to only parents and siblings, then I would be way more understanding. That too me is "private", not 100 people.. Good luck.

Jen4948 · January 2014

You never put on any invitation where you are registered or make any mention of gifts at all, including "no gifts" messages, because that makes you look grabby.

I think that what you are proposing only works when you have a very tiny number of people invited to the ceremony or there is a religious issue, such as it being a Mormon temple sealing where only Mormons in good standing with temple recommends can attend the ceremony-not with issues of being "reserved and don't like being the center of attention."

If you are inviting, say, 100 people to the ceremony and 150 or 200 to the reception, those who are invited to the reception only will perceive this as "tiered hospitality," wonder why they weren't good enough to make the cut for the ceremony, and potentially feel very hurt.

Your invitations should read:

Mr. and Mrs. Bride's Parents
request the honour of your presence (for a religious ceremony)/
request the pleasure of your company (all other ceremonies)
at the marriage of their daughter
Bride
and
Groom
on Day, Date
at Time
Venue Name
Address
City, State

or "Together with their families" if both you and both sides of your family are hosting.

If you and your FI are hosting, you would use

The honour of your presence/pleasure of your company is requested
at the marriage of
Bride
and Groom
etc.

Reception information would go on an insert:

Reception to follow
Reception Venue
Address
City, State

doeydo · January 2014

louwagie08 said:

My fiance and I are both reserved and don't like being the center of attention. We are leaning towards inviting only family to our ceremony (which is still 100 people), and have a larger reception where everyone would be invited to social hour, sit down supper, and the dance (they would have separate invites). If you were invited to everything but the ceremony, knowing the reason is because it was family only.. would you be offended? Also, do we put on both invites where we are going to be registered? -- Also, suggestions on wording would be great!

Having two different guest lists (one for ceremony and one for reception) is only OK when it is a truly private ceremony (ie. 20 people or less). Otherwise, it is extremely rude and against etiquette. It would make the 'reception-only guests' feel like they weren't good enough to get into your 'top 100' and that other guests are more important than them.
Also, you absolutely do not put anything about registry or gift information on an invitation or in the envelope. People can always Google your name and find a registry or they will ask you where you are registered if they want to know. If you just give people registry information without them asking for it, it really seems gift grabby.

mrsbanany · January 2014

I posted on your other thread. Clearly this one is more popular so I will paste my response below

If it is family only for the ceremony, I would not be offended (if I was not family). However, once a cousin of mine had a wedding which I was not invited to but I was invited to the reception - because she decided to have it at my beach house and we live there during the summer so she did not really have a choice. She invited my grandparents to the ceremony but not my parents nor my brother and I. I was beyond offended, it was like we are not good enough to witness a profession of your love but we are good enough to provide you with a pretty backdrop for your reception? Obviously, you are not exploiting someones home so it is different. Personally, I like the ceremony more than the reception because that is what the wedding is all about and I love, love. But if you want family only, I would understand and not be offended.

Do not put on your invites where you are registered. Nothing about gifts should be on the invitation. I have seen plenty of shower invitations with where the couple was registered printed on them but I am not sure where that stands etiquette wise. If there is no shower, or if you do not print the information on the shower invitation, that info should travel via word of mouth.

manateehugger · January 2014

OP, I'd tread pretty carefully with this plan; you're likely to ruffle some feathers since the ceremony wont exactly be private or intimate. 100 people is a huge number. Is there anyway you can cut it down to immediate family only? How many total people are you inviting to the reception?

Registry information belongs no where on the invitation. Wedding gifts are not required, so you should never mention them. It's perfectly fine to tell someone after they ask however. I always just Google the bride's name when I get an invite and the registries (if they have one) always pops right up. People will still find it if they want to give you a gift.

Registry information on the shower invite is fine, since showering the bride with gifts is the whole point to a bridal shower.

louwagie08 · January 2014

Thank for the feedback everyone!

For the record, I never stated that the ceremony was going to be "private", I said it was going to be family only. And I used small in my title as in comparison to the reception

On one hand I can totally see where is not the correct etiquette, but on the other, it is our day and it is 2014

The 100 or so people include my parents and my fiances parents brother's and sister's and their children. I personally would not be offended if I were invited the to the reception only knowing that the ceremony was just family.

Also, everyone is saying it is rude to put where the couple is registered yet I have never seen a wedding invite that doesn't have where the couple is registered.. maybe it's a midwestern thing?

lyndausvi · January 2014

not to be mean, but why did you ask the question?

mrsbanany · January 2014

louwagie08 said:

Thank for the feedback everyone!

For the record, I never stated that the ceremony was going to be "private", I said it was going to be family only. And I used small in my title as in comparison to the reception

On one hand I can totally see where is not the correct etiquette, but on the other, it is our day and it is 2014 The 100 or so people include my parents and my fiances parents brother's and sister's and their children. I personally would not be offended if I were invited the to the reception only knowing that the ceremony was just family.

Also, everyone is saying it is rude to put where the couple is registered yet I have never seen a wedding invite that doesn't have where the couple is registered.. maybe it's a midwestern thing?

There are a lot of things that vary by area that go against common etiquette rules. For example, in New England I have been to quite a few cash bar weddings and never knew it was against etiquette until I came on TK. I would never be offended at a cash bar, just like your circle might not be offended by the registry info on the invitation. On TK you will only get the broad overall etiquette rules. How much they are followed definitely varies by region I have noticed.

louwagie08 · January 2014

lyndausvi:

To get different views and opinions. I added to clarify what I am considering.

If you aren't trying to be mean, why repost and ask when you clearly know it is going to sound rude?

manateehugger · January 2014

louwagie08 said:

Thank for the feedback everyone!

For the record, I never stated that the ceremony was going to be "private", I said it was going to be family only. And I used small in my title as in comparison to the reception

On one hand I can totally see where is not the correct etiquette, but on the other, it is our day and it is 2014 The 100 or so people include my parents and my fiances parents brother's and sister's and their children. I personally would not be offended if I were invited the to the reception only knowing that the ceremony was just family.

Also, everyone is saying it is rude to put where the couple is registered yet I have never seen a wedding invite that doesn't have where the couple is registered.. maybe it's a midwestern thing?

I grew up in the Midwest, have attended a bazillion weddings in the Midwest, and only left it 2 years ago. It's not a Midwestern thing.

Don't put your registry info on there!

chibiyui · January 2014

louwagie08 said:

Thank for the feedback everyone!

For the record, I never stated that the ceremony was going to be "private", I said it was going to be family only. And I used small in my title as in comparison to the reception

On one hand I can totally see where is not the correct etiquette, but on the other, it is our day and it is 2014 The 100 or so people include my parents and my fiances parents brother's and sister's and their children. I personally would not be offended if I were invited the to the reception only knowing that the ceremony was just family.

Also, everyone is saying it is rude to put where the couple is registered yet I have never seen a wedding invite that doesn't have where the couple is registered.. maybe it's a midwestern thing?

I will also suggest you cut down to just your parents and your siblings, not aunts and uncles and cousins. And that 100 is really just aunts, unĉles and first cousins? If I was one of your friends, I'd be a bit upset you consider a cousin more important, (totally acknowledging that I am not close to my own, and while I know some are, in my experience most people are not that ĉlose to their cousins)

As far as registry info on invites, you can be the first to do it proper then.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

louwagie08 said:

lyndausvi:

To get different views and opinions. I added to clarify what I am considering.

If you aren't trying to be mean, why repost and ask when you clearly know it is going to sound rude?

Can you clarify what the vast majority of people were actually asking-- how many people are you planning to invite to the reception?

Also, the whole "it's our day" and "it's 2014" thing is bs as you should know if you lurk on these boards. The moment you invite other people to your wedding, it's not just about you and Fi. Your guests need to be well-hosted. It's possible to do that with a tiny ceremony and large reception. But posters on here are trying to help you avoid a faux pas with your guests and make sure everyone is comfortable.

And don't put registry info on the invitations.

MobKaz · January 2014

louwagie08 said:

Thank for the feedback everyone!

For the record, I never stated that the ceremony was going to be "private", I said it was going to be family only. And I used small in my title as in comparison to the reception

On one hand I can totally see where is not the correct etiquette, but on the other, it is our day and it is 2014 The 100 or so people include my parents and my fiances parents brother's and sister's and their children. I personally would not be offended if I were invited the to the reception only knowing that the ceremony was just family.

Also, everyone is saying it is rude to put where the couple is registered yet I have never seen a wedding invite that doesn't have where the couple is registered.. maybe it's a midwestern thing?

AddieCake · January 2014

Another speshl snowflake joins TK.

JoanE2012 · January 2014

louwagie08 said:

Thank for the feedback everyone!

For the record, I never stated that the ceremony was going to be "private", I said it was going to be family only. And I used small in my title as in comparison to the reception

On one hand I can totally see where is not the correct etiquette, but on the other, it is our day and it is 2014 The 100 or so people include my parents and my fiances parents brother's and sister's and their children. I personally would not be offended if I were invited the to the reception only knowing that the ceremony was just family.

Also, everyone is saying it is rude to put where the couple is registered yet I have never seen a wedding invite that doesn't have where the couple is registered.. maybe it's a midwestern thing?

To answer your question, yes, I would be offended if I knew you invited ONE HUNDRED people to the ceremony and I only got invited to the reception. If you want family only there, then fine. But just invite family only to the reception.

The only way I wouldn't be offended if it was truly private. As in, just your parents and your siblings. Around 10 people or so. But to say you want to limit your ceremony invites because you don't like the spotlight and then proceed to invite 100 people doesn't make sense.

Now, if you truly believe that it is YOUR day, your best bet is to elope. Because once you invite people, the day no longer is about you....it's about being a good host to your guests.

MyNameIsNot · January 2014

I would be offended if I knew that 100 guests were invited to the ceremony and I wasn't one of them. Actually, one of my cousins (in the midwest) did this two years ago. She invited about 50 closest family to the ceremony and about 200 to the reception. People are still complaining about how offended they were to not be important enough to be invited to the ceremony. Of course, they won't tell her, but they were truly hurt.

Putting registry info in the invitation is rude in all 50 states. This is very basic manners.

JoanE2012 · January 2014

Ms2MrsViney said:

Hun do what you want and what you and your FI feel is right for your wedding. If that's how you want to go about then go about it. I have a big family as well so I know what you mean but if it's only family just make sure you stick to that. Also I have received registry info in a invitation and also on a save the date card and I actually found it helpful. That way I don't have to call or text or email asking where they are registered I had it right in my hands. I believe one said something like registry can be found on our wedding website and others have had it listed on a card.

This is a statement of someone that cares more about themselves than their family and friends. If you want to "do what you want", elope.

tammym1001 · January 2014

OP - I understand where you are coming from that you don't want to be the center of attention and have everyone staring at you and being uncomfortable at your wedding ceremony. I feel the same way.

Because I feel uncomfortable having a bunch of people stare at me during such a personal moment FI and I are only inviting 35 people to our ceremony. Our reception will be immediately following the ceremony and we will be inviting 35 people to that as well. That's the proper way to do it.

lyndausvi · January 2014

Ms2MrsViney said:

@joanE2012 cry me a river J! She can do what she wants it's her day regardless to your opinion of her situation! Are you paying for her wedding? Yea I didn't think so. People truly are so rude on here it's ridiculous having the wedding day you want that you pay for is her right. Let her do it how she wants what's it to you? People are always offended no matter what, should've done this should've done that should've had this should've had that like she owes somebody something. If she wanted to elope she would, you are not the wedding police my goodness AND clearly you have selective reading issues cause I said in my opinion if it's just going to be family make sure you stick with that you don't constitute how many that should be either

What is your problem? Yes, it's her wedding and she can do anything she wants. HOWEVER, she is the one who came on a international board and ASKED a question if WE would be offend with her plan. We answered the question that yes if we would under her current plan. If she cut the ceremony list down to just siblings and parents then we would not be.

There is nothing wrong with the way we answered her question. She asked, we answered. Why bother asking if you really don't care for the answers?

On another note: I get not wanting to be the center of attention. But she wants to invite 100 people! Is another 40 really going to make a difference at the point?

MyNameIsNot · January 2014

Ms2MrsViney said:

@lyndausvi first off Joan REPLIED TO MY SPECIFIC post thank you very much so what's your problem? It was an A and B conversation so C your way out of it. My reply was to her calling me selfish not you thank you. You can stop following me now

Calm down. There's no need to freak out.

AddieCake · January 2014

Why do you think Lynda is following you? I love when people flatter themselves like that.

Can I interest you in a waffle?

AddieCake · January 2014

I care about the things everyone in the threads I'm reading have to say. If I didn't, I wouldn't read them.

manateehugger · January 2014

Ms2MrsViney said:

@addiel73 why do you care about anything I have to say? Thanks

Probably because you keep blowing up the boards with your advice and circular arguments.

AddieCake · January 2014

Is that a yes on the waffles?

chibiyui · January 2014

Ms2MrsViney said:
@joanE2012 cry me a river J! She can do what she wants it's her day regardless to your opinion of her situation! Are you paying for her wedding? Yea I didn't think so. People truly are so rude on here it's ridiculous having the wedding day you want that you pay for is her right. Let her do it how she wants what's it to you? People are always offended no matter what, should've done this should've done that should've had this should've had that like she owes somebody something. If she wanted to elope she would, you are not the wedding police my goodness AND clearly you have selective reading issues cause I said in my opinion if it's just going to be family make sure you stick with that you don't choose how many that should be either

Anybody ca do what they want. But there are consequnces to actions. Inviting 100 people to a "private" ceremony will offebd people, even if you are personally not.

MobKaz · January 2014

@Ms2MrsViney said.........."It was an A and B conversation so C your way out of it. "

Maggie0829 · January 2014

OP I don't really get the whole "we don't like being the center of attention so we are going to have a small ceremony and then a big reception". I mean you will still be the center of attention at the large reception. So if you don't want to be surrounded by hundreds of people with all eyes on you then don't have a large wedding. Have something small (and I mean smaller then your 100 person ceremony) because no matter what you will be the center of attention.

Viczaesar · January 2014

Gawd, another Viney show?

Please help! Small ceremony and large reception questions

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