May 2014 Weddings

Vent my MOH dropped out of my wedding :(

edited January 2014 in May 2014 Weddings
She told me she had no money for the dress which I offered to pay then she told me she wants to focus on getting her busniess  going and getting a car on top of that she did not like the first dress I picked out so I changed the BM dresses for her and I think she was to inscure to wear it I really dont know but I feel like if she makes all these excuses she is not a true friend so  i dropped her as a friend it sucks but whatever OH and she was so hell bent on being my MOH..  I mean im over it I have the man of my dreams that  I am marrying and  everyone I love and care about will be there and thats what matters still sucks knowing I would NEVER have done that to her..I also think she was a little jelly ugh who knows :(

Update- she cant drive, she lives with her parents, the only business she does is sell things on eBay which is not that hard.

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Re: Vent my MOH dropped out of my wedding :(

  • Wait did you stop considering her a friend? Or just ask her to not be the MOH? If she is truly starting up her business then I understand the kind of pressure and strain she is under. My FI owns his own business and he will easily put in 12 hour days to keep things going. It's a lot on someone's plate if they have their own business. Have you tried sitting down and really talking to her about all this? She may not be jealous at all but just overworked and exhausted. It sounds like she could use a friend right now and you have a wonderful opportunity to be a great one by just sitting down and really listening to her without involving your wedding. :)
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  • garnetandgold60garnetandgold60 Duuuvvvaaalll member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I think that Kristen's advice is very sound. I think to start taking a deep breath kinda stepping away from the situation for a day or so is best. It's very easy to get over-stressed and talking to your friend when upset isn't the wisest. I can understand your upset, esp with your wedding coming soon...but I would really take the time out to talk to your friend and understand what she might be going through. I, personally, wouldn't want to lose a friend because of a one-day event. That being said, I don't know if there are other things she's been doing and this is the "last straw," but if not. Just give her time, and have a good heart-to-heart.
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  • Based only on what you've told us above, I wouldn't have dropped her altogether as a friend -- I think that's a little hasty and immature, frankly. It sounds as though she has a lot going on right now and is having difficulty prioritizing and staying focused, and maybe doesn't want to compromise and half-ass anything she's doing.

    If she wants a new car soon (which is probably a necessity for her), she'll need to ensure that her business is up and running -- and running efficiently. As Kristen said, that does require a lot of time and energy and can be quite draining.

    I'm sure she appreciated your kindness and consideration with regard to the dress, but maybe she didn't know how to tell you that being in your bridal party would result in her over-committing herself. If I was in her shoes and I knew that a friend wanted me in their bridal party but that I wouldn't likely be unable to fulfill a lot of associated commitments, I would probably briefly turn a little flaky, too, and not know how to graciously bow out (although I would ultimately bow out in that scenario).

    If she was close enough to you for you to ask her to be your MOH, I kind of have to wonder how loyal of a friend you are if you're dropping her as a friend so easily. Again, I'm not trying to judge and I don't know any other backstory there may be -- but based on what you've told us, I think that ditching her is worse than any of the things you described above.


    image
  • I agree with pp. I would not dump her as a friend all together. After the wedding, sit down and have a heart to heart with her. There really may be a lot going on in her life.
    I had two MOH's drop out my wedding. The 1st one was a church friend and she wanted to choose her own dress and disliked everything I said. The 2nd was a friend and after buying her dress she had second thoughts of if she could be truly happy for me at the wedding. She was jealous that she did not have the wedding she wanted and voiced that she would be envious on my special day. I respect her honesty but was upset.
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  • I'm actually wondering how close you were with her to begin with.  My MOH is my best friend in the entire world- I can't imagine her backing out, regardless of what I asked her to wear or what else she had going on in her life.  There are always other BMs to lean on if she needs support in her MOH duties.  That said, I wouldn't bend over backwards to convince her to do it if she really doesn't want to- but maybe take Kristen's advice and try to get to the root of why she's saying she can't.  I bet it makes you both feel better.




    pumpkinsandturkeys
  • I had my best friend since middle school who was my MOH step down, because she decided she wanted to get married 2 weeks after me. I think the biggest thing to think about is after the dust settles and your married she'll have to deal with not being there for you when you had your special day the way you wanted her to. In all reality it sucks but someone will fill that position ( and probably do it better, because they know how crappy you feel for her stepping down) and you will remember your wedding day as being great.  I know it's hard to feel like it's not personal for someone to let you down on a day that's so important to you, but some people don't realize how their actions can really effect someone. I hope that things get better! 
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    jlaven27 said:
    I had my best friend since middle school who was my MOH step down, because she decided she wanted to get married 2 weeks after me. I think the biggest thing to think about is after the dust settles and your married she'll have to deal with not being there for you when you had your special day the way you wanted her to. In all reality it sucks but someone will fill that position ( and probably do it better, because they know how crappy you feel for her stepping down) and you will remember your wedding day as being great.  I know it's hard to feel like it's not personal for someone to let you down on a day that's so important to you, but some people don't realize how their actions can really effect someone. I hope that things get better! 
    She's not even coming to the wedding? I can understand stepping down due to finances if she's paying for her wedding, but MOH duties are just showing up in the dress sober., looking happy in pictures. It's not that much more time consuming then being a guest.
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  • edited January 2014
  • Yeah she is not coming and thank you! I feel like is she was my friend she would put me first I mean she still lives with her parents and has never owned a car or had a real job can't even drive sometimes I feel like she just used me.
  • I don't put up with girls and drama I rather drop it. I was always there  for her and would never backed out last min for her so I fee it's better off thank you though (:
  • edited January 2014



  • Based only on what you've told us above, I wouldn't have dropped her altogether as a friend -- I think that's a little hasty and immature, frankly. It sounds as though she has a lot going on right now and is having difficulty prioritizing and staying focused, and maybe doesn't want to compromise and half-ass anything she's doing.

    If she wants a new car soon (which is probably a necessity for her), she'll need to ensure that her business is up and running -- and running efficiently. As Kristen said, that does require a lot of time and energy and can be quite draining.

    I'm sure she appreciated your kindness and consideration with regard to the dress, but maybe she didn't know how to tell you that being in your bridal party would result in her over-committing herself. If I was in her shoes and I knew that a friend wanted me in their bridal party but that I wouldn't likely be unable to fulfill a lot of associated commitments, I would probably briefly turn a little flaky, too, and not know how to graciously bow out (although I would ultimately bow out in that scenario).

    If she was close enough to you for you to ask her to be your MOH, I kind of have to wonder how loyal of a friend you are if you're dropping her as a friend so easily. Again, I'm not trying to judge and I don't know any other backstory there may be -- but based on what you've told us, I think that ditching her is worse than any of the things you described above.
    Okay first off the only thing she has going on is getting drunk and bragging about it every night, she lives with her parents, cant even drive and sells things  eBay time to time she has nothing going on that would prevent her from being a MOH other then making dumb excuses I originally wanted my aunt to be my MOH but she insisted I never actually asked her. One more thing by saying how loyal of a friend are you is being so judging just a bit.
  • Wait did you stop considering her a friend? Or just ask her to not be the MOH? If she is truly starting up her business then I understand the kind of pressure and strain she is under. My FI owns his own business and he will easily put in 12 hour days to keep things going. It's a lot on someone's plate if they have their own business. Have you tried sitting down and really talking to her about all this? She may not be jealous at all but just overworked and exhausted. It sounds like she could use a friend right now and you have a wonderful opportunity to be a great one by just sitting down and really listening to her without involving your wedding. :)
    Like I said she is not "really" starting a business it was a excuse.
  • Klc09d said:
    I think that Kristen's advice is very sound. I think to start taking a deep breath kinda stepping away from the situation for a day or so is best. It's very easy to get over-stressed and talking to your friend when upset isn't the wisest. I can understand your upset, esp with your wedding coming soon...but I would really take the time out to talk to your friend and understand what she might be going through. I, personally, wouldn't want to lose a friend because of a one-day event. That being said, I don't know if there are other things she's been doing and this is the "last straw," but if not. Just give her time, and have a good heart-to-heart.
    Thank you and yeah it really was the last straw for me .
  • I agree with pp. I would not dump her as a friend all together. After the wedding, sit down and have a heart to heart with her. There really may be a lot going on in her life.
    I had two MOH's drop out my wedding. The 1st one was a church friend and she wanted to choose her own dress and disliked everything I said. The 2nd was a friend and after buying her dress she had second thoughts of if she could be truly happy for me at the wedding. She was jealous that she did not have the wedding she wanted and voiced that she would be envious on my special day. I respect her honesty but was upset.
    Yeah I understand but for me I feel like if a friend cant be happy for you or put there needs/feelings aside for your special day they are not real friends but at the same time it was good she was honest!

  • ohxhi said:
    I'm actually wondering how close you were with her to begin with.  My MOH is my best friend in the entire world- I can't imagine her backing out, regardless of what I asked her to wear or what else she had going on in her life.  There are always other BMs to lean on if she needs support in her MOH duties.  That said, I wouldn't bend over backwards to convince her to do it if she really doesn't want to- but maybe take Kristen's advice and try to get to the root of why she's saying she can't.  I bet it makes you both feel better.




    Thank you (:
  • jlaven27 said:
    I had my best friend since middle school who was my MOH step down, because she decided she wanted to get married 2 weeks after me. I think the biggest thing to think about is after the dust settles and your married she'll have to deal with not being there for you when you had your special day the way you wanted her to. In all reality it sucks but someone will fill that position ( and probably do it better, because they know how crappy you feel for her stepping down) and you will remember your wedding day as being great.  I know it's hard to feel like it's not personal for someone to let you down on a day that's so important to you, but some people don't realize how their actions can really effect someone. I hope that things get better! 


    Thank you I agree (:
    jlaven27
  • chibiyui said:
    She's not even coming to the wedding? I can understand stepping down due to finances if she's paying for her wedding, but MOH duties are just showing up in the dress sober., looking happy in pictures. It's not that much more time consuming then being a guest.
    She's coming and is going to be a bridesmaid. So I didnt really understand what the difference was that she felt she needed to step down. I guess she didn't want to plan other events. And I guess the stress of stepping down got to her because she isn't having any bridesmaids at her wedding.  Its just makes it awkward because I had to go to my other BMs, ask one to be MOH and tell them she stepped down, and when they found out she was getting married so soon after me they thought it was jacked up.  But it is what it is.
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    jlaven27 said:
    chibiyui said:
    She's not even coming to the wedding? I can understand stepping down due to finances if she's paying for her wedding, but MOH duties are just showing up in the dress sober., looking happy in pictures. It's not that much more time consuming then being a guest.
    She's coming and is going to be a bridesmaid. So I didnt really understand what the difference was that she felt she needed to step down. I guess she didn't want to plan other events. And I guess the stress of stepping down got to her because she isn't having any bridesmaids at her wedding.  Its just makes it awkward because I had to go to my other BMs, ask one to be MOH and tell them she stepped down, and when they found out she was getting married so soon after me they thought it was jacked up.  But it is what it is.
    I will say you probably shouldn't have asked another BM to be second string MOH, but whats done is done. Talk to your friend and see how she's doing, she could be hurt by you "uping" another BM to MOH.
    Also, MOH doesn't have to plan anything. They tend to be the most involved, by virtue of being closest to the Bride, but if she was stressed by feeling like she had to plan parties, let her know that it's okay and that nothing was expected.
    image



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    pumpkinsandturkeys

  • chibiyui said:
    jlaven27 said:
    chibiyui said:
    She's not even coming to the wedding? I can understand stepping down due to finances if she's paying for her wedding, but MOH duties are just showing up in the dress sober., looking happy in pictures. It's not that much more time consuming then being a guest.
    She's coming and is going to be a bridesmaid. So I didnt really understand what the difference was that she felt she needed to step down. I guess she didn't want to plan other events. And I guess the stress of stepping down got to her because she isn't having any bridesmaids at her wedding.  Its just makes it awkward because I had to go to my other BMs, ask one to be MOH and tell them she stepped down, and when they found out she was getting married so soon after me they thought it was jacked up.  But it is what it is.
    I will say you probably shouldn't have asked another BM to be second string MOH, but whats done is done. Talk to your friend and see how she's doing, she could be hurt by you "uping" another BM to MOH.
    Also, MOH doesn't have to plan anything. They tend to be the most involved, by virtue of being closest to the Bride, but if she was stressed by feeling like she had to plan parties, let her know that it's okay and that nothing was expected.
    She was the one who stepped down. And now she is busy with planning her own big day so I asked someone to take her place because it wouldn't be fair to the other bridesmaid that took over the responsibilities of a MOH to not be given that title. If her feeling are hurt I can't do anything about that.  I did expect her to lead in the planning of the bachelorette party, because that's how it always goes, but its not like she had to pay for it all. 
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    jlaven27 said:

    chibiyui said:
    jlaven27 said:
    chibiyui said:
    She's not even coming to the wedding? I can understand stepping down due to finances if she's paying for her wedding, but MOH duties are just showing up in the dress sober., looking happy in pictures. It's not that much more time consuming then being a guest.
    She's coming and is going to be a bridesmaid. So I didnt really understand what the difference was that she felt she needed to step down. I guess she didn't want to plan other events. And I guess the stress of stepping down got to her because she isn't having any bridesmaids at her wedding.  Its just makes it awkward because I had to go to my other BMs, ask one to be MOH and tell them she stepped down, and when they found out she was getting married so soon after me they thought it was jacked up.  But it is what it is.
    I will say you probably shouldn't have asked another BM to be second string MOH, but whats done is done. Talk to your friend and see how she's doing, she could be hurt by you "uping" another BM to MOH.
    Also, MOH doesn't have to plan anything. They tend to be the most involved, by virtue of being closest to the Bride, but if she was stressed by feeling like she had to plan parties, let her know that it's okay and that nothing was expected.
    She was the one who stepped down. And now she is busy with planning her own big day so I asked someone to take her place because it wouldn't be fair to the other bridesmaid that took over the responsibilities of a MOH to not be given that title. If her feeling are hurt I can't do anything about that.  I did expect her to lead in the planning of the bachelorette party, because that's how it always goes, but its not like she had to pay for it all. 
    MOH duties are show up sober in a specified dress. There are no other responsibilities. Same as a BM.

    And even if former MOH's feelings aren't a concern for you, asking your other friend to be MOH since your first pick stepped down isn't very considerate of her feelings either.

    Best of luck in the rest of your wedding planning.
    image



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    pumpkinsandturkeys

  • MOH duties are show up sober in a specified dress. There are no other responsibilities. Same as a BM.

    And even if former MOH's feelings aren't a concern for you, asking your other friend to be MOH since your first pick stepped down isn't very considerate of her feelings either.

    Best of luck in the rest of your wedding planning.
    Well I chose someone else, because I had a bridesmaid who was stepping up and helping me out because my MOH stepped down. My new MOH saw how let down I was and was there for me so I asked her if she would be the MOH. I dont think that is inconsiderate at all. 

  • chibiyui said:
    jlaven27 said:

    chibiyui said:
    jlaven27 said:
    chibiyui said:
    She's not even coming to the wedding? I can understand stepping down due to finances if she's paying for her wedding, but MOH duties are just showing up in the dress sober., looking happy in pictures. It's not that much more time consuming then being a guest.
    She's coming and is going to be a bridesmaid. So I didnt really understand what the difference was that she felt she needed to step down. I guess she didn't want to plan other events. And I guess the stress of stepping down got to her because she isn't having any bridesmaids at her wedding.  Its just makes it awkward because I had to go to my other BMs, ask one to be MOH and tell them she stepped down, and when they found out she was getting married so soon after me they thought it was jacked up.  But it is what it is.
    I will say you probably shouldn't have asked another BM to be second string MOH, but whats done is done. Talk to your friend and see how she's doing, she could be hurt by you "uping" another BM to MOH.
    Also, MOH doesn't have to plan anything. They tend to be the most involved, by virtue of being closest to the Bride, but if she was stressed by feeling like she had to plan parties, let her know that it's okay and that nothing was expected.
    She was the one who stepped down. And now she is busy with planning her own big day so I asked someone to take her place because it wouldn't be fair to the other bridesmaid that took over the responsibilities of a MOH to not be given that title. If her feeling are hurt I can't do anything about that.  I did expect her to lead in the planning of the bachelorette party, because that's how it always goes, but its not like she had to pay for it all. 
    MOH duties are show up sober in a specified dress. There are no other responsibilities. Same as a BM.

    And even if former MOH's feelings aren't a concern for you, asking your other friend to be MOH since your first pick stepped down isn't very considerate of her feelings either.

    Best of luck in the rest of your wedding planning.
    Who are you to judge! Your not very considerate by judging other people you don't even know . Take your own advice..
    jlaven27

  • chibiyui said:
    jlaven27 said:

    chibiyui said:
    jlaven27 said:
    chibiyui said:
    She's not even coming to the wedding? I can understand stepping down due to finances if she's paying for her wedding, but MOH duties are just showing up in the dress sober., looking happy in pictures. It's not that much more time consuming then being a guest.
    She's coming and is going to be a bridesmaid. So I didnt really understand what the difference was that she felt she needed to step down. I guess she didn't want to plan other events. And I guess the stress of stepping down got to her because she isn't having any bridesmaids at her wedding.  Its just makes it awkward because I had to go to my other BMs, ask one to be MOH and tell them she stepped down, and when they found out she was getting married so soon after me they thought it was jacked up.  But it is what it is.
    I will say you probably shouldn't have asked another BM to be second string MOH, but whats done is done. Talk to your friend and see how she's doing, she could be hurt by you "uping" another BM to MOH.
    Also, MOH doesn't have to plan anything. They tend to be the most involved, by virtue of being closest to the Bride, but if she was stressed by feeling like she had to plan parties, let her know that it's okay and that nothing was expected.
    She was the one who stepped down. And now she is busy with planning her own big day so I asked someone to take her place because it wouldn't be fair to the other bridesmaid that took over the responsibilities of a MOH to not be given that title. If her feeling are hurt I can't do anything about that.  I did expect her to lead in the planning of the bachelorette party, because that's how it always goes, but its not like she had to pay for it all. 
    MOH duties are show up sober in a specified dress. There are no other responsibilities. Same as a BM.

    And even if former MOH's feelings aren't a concern for you, asking your other friend to be MOH since your first pick stepped down isn't very considerate of her feelings either.

    Best of luck in the rest of your wedding planning.
    Who are you to judge! Your not very considerate by judging other people you don't even know . Take your own advice..
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers



    chibiyui said:


    jlaven27 said:




    chibiyui said:


    jlaven27 said:


    chibiyui said:
    She's not even coming to the wedding? I can understand stepping down due to finances if she's paying for her wedding, but MOH duties are just showing up in the dress sober., looking happy in pictures. It's not that much more time consuming then being a guest.

    She's coming and is going to be a bridesmaid. So I didnt really understand what the difference was that she felt she needed to step down. I guess she didn't want to plan other events. And I guess the stress of stepping down got to her because she isn't having any bridesmaids at her wedding.  Its just makes it awkward because I had to go to my other BMs, ask one to be MOH and tell them she stepped down, and when they found out she was getting married so soon after me they thought it was jacked up.  But it is what it is.

    I will say you probably shouldn't have asked another BM to be second string MOH, but whats done is done. Talk to your friend and see how she's doing, she could be hurt by you "uping" another BM to MOH.
    Also, MOH doesn't have to plan anything. They tend to be the most involved, by virtue of being closest to the Bride, but if she was stressed by feeling like she had to plan parties, let her know that it's okay and that nothing was expected.

    She was the one who stepped down. And now she is busy with planning her own big day so I asked someone to take her place because it wouldn't be fair to the other bridesmaid that took over the responsibilities of a MOH to not be given that title. If her feeling are hurt I can't do anything about that.  I did expect her to lead in the planning of the bachelorette party, because that's how it always goes, but its not like she had to pay for it all. 


    MOH duties are show up sober in a specified dress. There are no other responsibilities. Same as a BM.

    And even if former MOH's feelings aren't a concern for you, asking your other friend to be MOH since your first pick stepped down isn't very considerate of her feelings either.

    Best of luck in the rest of your wedding planning.



    Who are you to judge! Your not very considerate by judging other people you don't even know . Take your own advice..


    If you think that was judgy maybe the internet isn't the best place for you.

    Good luck with your wedding planning.
    image



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    pumpkinsandturkeysKittyKaty20
  • chibiyui said:

    chibiyui said:
    jlaven27 said:

    chibiyui said:
    jlaven27 said:
    chibiyui said:
    She's not even coming to the wedding? I can understand stepping down due to finances if she's paying for her wedding, but MOH duties are just showing up in the dress sober., looking happy in pictures. It's not that much more time consuming then being a guest.
    She's coming and is going to be a bridesmaid. So I didnt really understand what the difference was that she felt she needed to step down. I guess she didn't want to plan other events. And I guess the stress of stepping down got to her because she isn't having any bridesmaids at her wedding.  Its just makes it awkward because I had to go to my other BMs, ask one to be MOH and tell them she stepped down, and when they found out she was getting married so soon after me they thought it was jacked up.  But it is what it is.
    I will say you probably shouldn't have asked another BM to be second string MOH, but whats done is done. Talk to your friend and see how she's doing, she could be hurt by you "uping" another BM to MOH.
    Also, MOH doesn't have to plan anything. They tend to be the most involved, by virtue of being closest to the Bride, but if she was stressed by feeling like she had to plan parties, let her know that it's okay and that nothing was expected.
    She was the one who stepped down. And now she is busy with planning her own big day so I asked someone to take her place because it wouldn't be fair to the other bridesmaid that took over the responsibilities of a MOH to not be given that title. If her feeling are hurt I can't do anything about that.  I did expect her to lead in the planning of the bachelorette party, because that's how it always goes, but its not like she had to pay for it all. 
    MOH duties are show up sober in a specified dress. There are no other responsibilities. Same as a BM.

    And even if former MOH's feelings aren't a concern for you, asking your other friend to be MOH since your first pick stepped down isn't very considerate of her feelings either.

    Best of luck in the rest of your wedding planning.
    Who are you to judge! Your not very considerate by judging other people you don't even know . Take your own advice..
    If you think that was judgy maybe the internet isn't the best place for you. Good luck with your wedding planning.
    Agreed. I didn't read any judgment here -- just a definitive opinion. If you don't want someone's honest opinion and viewpoint (which may well differ from yours or the one you expected to receive), then you're best not to ask for opinions.

    No one has been judgmental here, myself included. Our opinions on the matter simply differ, and respectfully so.


    image
  • Lol get a life bitches kill yourself
  • I dont know that TOS means
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