Extra Guests... what do I do?

Inkdancer · January 2014

I had mentioned to my FMIL that I needed a complete list of FI's family to make sure we hadn't missed anyone on our preliminary guest list.

I just received it, and while we didn't miss anyone, she included a number of family friends that increases our guest count by 37. I kind of want to hurl right now. I wanted a small wedding (we were inviting 80 people). I don't have these people budgeted, but she clearly expects them to be invited.

What do I do?

Jen4948 · January 2014

You and your FI together tell her that your budget doesn't allow for more than X of these people to be invited, so she needs to cut her list accordingly. If she's uncooperative, then you and your FI together tell her that you will do it if she hasn't done it by Y date.

Edited to add: The above assumes that she is not contributing financially to your wedding. If she is, then she gets a say, and you'll need to negotiate this with her. You and your FI might let her know that she'll have to be financially responsible for the 37 extra guests she added to the list she gave you if she expects all of them to be invited.

MayDay513 · January 2014

Inkdancer said:

I had mentioned to my FMIL that I needed a complete list of FI's family to make sure we hadn't missed anyone on our preliminary guest list.

I just received it, and while we didn't miss anyone, she included a number of family friends that increases our guest count by 37. I kind of want to hurl right now. I wanted a small wedding (we were inviting 80 people). I don't have these people budgeted, but she clearly expects them to be invited.

What do I do?

I would talk to her about these people. Is she contributing to the wedding financially?

vsgal · January 2014

Depends on the finances. If she is contributing to the wedding, she may get a say on the the invite list. If you are paying for the wedding, you get control over the guest list and you can shut down the extra invites. Just tell her that you cannot afford this many people. She can invite X amount, so she needs to cut the list to fit that parameter.

Emmy1493 · January 2014

If you don't mind me asking, whose footing the bill? If you are paying, and cannot accommodate these extra guest, mention to her you cannot do so, and that is that.Stand your ground. But if she is paying, let her worry about the extra tables/chairs, etc. If they are her guests, she should really know better as to what she can/will accommodate so this stuff doesn't happen, and so guests have a place to sit/eat.

GL, OP

Inkdancer · January 2014

FI and I are paying for the wedding entirely on our own. After FILs tried to use money to manipulate us once, we turned down their offer of help. (For reference, they tried to make us invite 80 additional people to the rehearsal dinner. Wasn't happening.)

So yeah, any extra guests are on my dime.

bethsmiles · January 2014

If she isn't contributing financially then your FI needs to tell her the extra guests cannot be accommodated.

If she is contributing financially, then it gets more tricky because those who pay get a say. So if she is paying, I think you need to sit down with her and discuss budget wise if these people can really be accommodated and where that money is going to come from.

Jen4948 · January 2014

Inkdancer said:

FI and I are paying for the wedding entirely on our own. After FILs tried to use money to manipulate us once, we turned down their offer of help. (For reference, they tried to make us invite 80 additional people to the rehearsal dinner. Wasn't happening.)

So yeah, any extra guests are on my dime.

You and your FI need to stand together and tell her very firmly, "No. You can invite X number of people but no more. Let us know by Y date which X of your guest list you want to invite. If we haven't received a guest list so revised by then, we will revise it for you. The others will not be invited because they cannot be accommodated. This is a closed subject."

OliveOilsMom · January 2014

If FMIL is not paying, your FI needs to call her and let her know that the extra people that she added to the list cannot be accomodated.

If FMIL is paying, consider if her contribution to the wedding is worth adding on these extra 37 people. Then either decline her money and carry on without her money or invite these 37 people.

hikebikebemerry · January 2014

Is it possible to have your FI talk to her? It would cause less tension if he was the one to say, "Mom, we love you, but our budget only accounts for X people, and this has increased our guest list by almost 50%".

If she is helping, she does get influence on the guest list, but if you can't afford them, you can't afford them. Ultimately, you and your FI will have to deal with any financial repercussions of going over budget. In addition, by your FI talking to her, he is in a better position to negotiate with her; just make sure that you and your FI are on the same page with the extra guests before he talks to her.

Good luck!

phira · January 2014

Two options.

1) Fiance: "Hey, Mom. Can you edit your list? We can only accommodate X of the guests on this list. Can you let us know which X to invite?"

2) Don't say anything and just invite the family, not the family friends.

Inkdancer · January 2014

Thanks, all. I'm nervous about how to say it, but you're right... it's FI's job to rein her in.

She just wants every family gathering to be huge and include everyone, and FI and I are way too introverted for that. I think I'd have a panic attack if I were supposed to have 300 people at my wedding.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

I ditto @phira. Your FI needs to say, "Mom, we told you family only. This list is not family only. You may invite X people [where X = the number of family you allotted for], either family OR friends, but not both. You choose."

Or you just don't invite them, and if she says anything about it, say, "Our budget didn't allow for extra people."

climbingsingle · January 2014

Inkdancer said:

FI and I are paying for the wedding entirely on our own. After FILs tried to use money to manipulate us once, we turned down their offer of help. (For reference, they tried to make us invite 80 additional people to the rehearsal dinner. Wasn't happening.)

So yeah, any extra guests are on my dime.

Oh screw that! I'd be pissed. They're not paying so she can't just add 37 friends. That is crazy.

QueerFemme · January 2014

Give her a set number and stick with it. Have your FI say "mom, we have space for 15 people. Let me know who those 15 people should be". End of discussion.

lc07 · January 2014

Be careful about saying cut your list to XYZ number. She may cut family members that FI definitely wants there. If he has a preference, I would have HIM tell her "Mom, "such and such people" from our side of the family are definitely being invited. Beyond that, there are X amount of spots available including SOs. Please let us know whom we should invite."

MobKaz · January 2014

Inkdancer said:

I had mentioned to my FMIL that I needed a complete list of FI's family to make sure we hadn't missed anyone on our preliminary guest list.

I just received it, and while we didn't miss anyone, she included a number of family friends that increases our guest count by 37. I kind of want to hurl right now. I wanted a small wedding (we were inviting 80 people). I don't have these people budgeted, but she clearly expects them to be invited.

What do I do?

Did FMIL help you create the preliminary list? If she did, then you just need to remind her that you were cross checking the existing list, and she mistook that as an opportunity to add to the guest list. You can also remind her that you were cross checking to make sure no FAMILY was inadvertently omitted. Remind her that your budget does not have room for extraneous family friends.

nebullama · January 2014

You say your FILs offered to contribute to the wedding at some point, and you turned it down due to the attached strings? If that's the case you may want to tell them that you can't accommodate the extra guests due to space constraints rather than budget, otherwise she may just try to throw money at the problem and back you into a corner.

SP29 · January 2014

DH and I paid for our wedding ourselves (with a bit of help from my mom). We asked our parents if there was anyone they wanted to be invited in particular. My dad said one couple who are friends and my godparents, and my mom wanted one of her friends invited. DH's dad asked for 3 couples to be invited, and his mom gave us a list of almost 10!

We told both his mom and his dad that we would take the list under consideration, but we had the final say on who we invited. For his dad, we invited 2/3, and for his mom we invited 7/10, but that included some family as well.

I suggest you do something similar. Either tell FMIL, "I am sorry but we can only give you X invites, so please edit your list and let us know by Y date", or, "We will take your list into consideration, but we cannot invite them all, so we will make the final say on who will be invited". I wouldn't even mention that you can't afford to invite them all, because that opens it up to her to say, "well I'll pay for them!". Which of course you can say no to again, but it gives you something else to heckle over. The other thing, is it is your wedding and if you want a more intimate group (we had 70 guests and loved it), that is your decision to make, money aside.

vt&dt · January 2014

You're ABSOLUTELY right that FI needs to talk to his mom, and that since you're paying, you don't need to invite one more person than what you've budgeted and planned for (especially because you're being inclusive of family).

If your FIL's REALLY wanted to add 1 or two couples that are their best friends, etc - I'd be encouraging you to try to make it work. But almost half of what you'd originally hoped for? Hell no.

Inkdancer · January 2014

Thanks all!

We didn't consult the in-laws on the original list. As their family is so large, I didn't want to give them the opportunity to run away with it before FI and I could put a cap on it.

We are supposed to go to their house for dinner and babysitting the nephew on Friday. I will talk to FI and prep him before then for the inevitable questions. I'll keep you posted!

JellyBean52513 · January 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I ditto @phira. Your FI needs to say, "Mom, we told you family only. This list is not family only. You may invite X people [where X = the number of family you allotted for], either family OR friends, but not both. You choose."

Or you just don't invite them, and if she says anything about it, say, "Our budget didn't allow for extra people."

I would be careful about doing this. God forbid FMIL calls up one of the people she thought was getting invited to chat about the wedding, and they tell her they never received an invite. She might verbally invite them, or call you up all pissy about so-and-so never getting an invite (or just send them her own copy of the invite... we've heard all sorts of horror stories with this very situation!). Just be upfront with her. Since you and FI asked for her input on the guestlist, be honest but firm about what you're doing with that input.

Extra Guests... what do I do?

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