Help on who to invite to the bridal shower

Re: Help on who to invite to the bridal shower

• JCbride2015 member

  

  January 2014

  Beachgirl624 said:

  Hello!

  I have been googling a bit on etiquette for the bridal shower and it seems like it is all over the map.  Who should be invited to the bridal shower?  My fiancé has many more aunts and 1st cousin girls then I do on my side.  He made a list of the aunts he feels should be invited and then a list of the 1st cousins.  The only thing is that if I invite 1 of the first cousins then I supposedly have to invite all of them otherwise they might get upset because they aren't invited.  What is the etiquette on this?  

  I know a couple of the first cousins well and even a couple of the second cousins well and would like to invite them... but there are some cousins who I think I met once at a wedding that I don't even remember their faces, and other cousins that I have never met.  I don't want to cause a lot of friction for his family, but I also don't want to leave out people that I personally would like to invite and be there because the relationships with me and these women have grown besides just a "oh this is aunt so and so".  Any help on the matter would be lovely.  Thank you! 

  Hi!  Okay, so the #1 etiquette rule for showers and other pre-parties is that anybody who is invited to the party MUST be a wedding guest.  

  
  

  The bride cannot host the party herself.  I assume you're the bride and the host has asked you whom to invite.  Did the host give you the # of guests who can be accommodated?  

  
  

  Other than those two cardinal rules,* whom to invite is really just a social question, and really it's mostly up to the host.  There are widely differing opinions on these boards about how big is too big for a shower.  I think a couple of guidelines to follow are: 1) invite in circles.  So this would mean, only aunts, or all 1st cousins, or all 2nd cousins, etc.  This isn't really an etiquette rule but it avoids hurt feelings (as you mentioned in your post.  2) invite only women you are close to.  An invite to someone you barely know and can't remember her face is going to feel gift-grabby to the guest, even if you don't intend it that way.

  
  

  Sometimes #1 and #2 are in tension: you might be really close with one 2nd cousin but not any of the others.  In that case it's really just a judgment call.  I would at least recommend not splitting up siblings or mother/daughter pairs if you can help it.

  
  

  *Another point: if multiple people have offered to throw you showers (ex. your friend, and your aunt) it's okay to accept both, just make sure there is no guest overlap.  No guest should be invited to multiple showers.  But it doesn't look like that's your situation.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  January 2014

  
  

  Beachgirl624 said:

  Hello!

  I have been googling a bit on etiquette for the bridal shower and it seems like it is all over the map.  Who should be invited to the bridal shower?  My fiancé has many more aunts and 1st cousin girls then I do on my side.  He made a list of the aunts he feels should be invited and then a list of the 1st cousins.  The only thing is that if I invite 1 of the first cousins then I supposedly have to invite all of them otherwise they might get upset because they aren't invited.  What is the etiquette on this?  

  I know a couple of the first cousins well and even a couple of the second cousins well and would like to invite them... but there are some cousins who I think I met once at a wedding that I don't even remember their faces, and other cousins that I have never met.  I don't want to cause a lot of friction for his family, but I also don't want to leave out people that I personally would like to invite and be there because the relationships with me and these women have grown besides just a "oh this is aunt so and so".  Any help on the matter would be lovely.  Thank you! 

  The first rule of having a bridal shower is that someone has to offer to throw one for you -- you can't throw one for yourself and you can't ask someone to throw one for you.

  
  

  The hostess then gets to determine the guest list -- she can say, 'Bride, I can afford to host X number of people." From there, you get to suggest who should fill those slots by giving her a list.

  
  

  Typically, it should be closest friends and family only, not every woman invited to the wedding. The only rule is that all women who are invited to the shower MUST be invited to the wedding.

  
  

  Your fiance does not get a say in the list for a bridal shower, sorry to tell him. However, he's probably right on his family dynamics that if you invite one aunt, you have to invite them all, and ditto for cousins. 

  
  

  If you have qualms about that, invite none of them and have done with it. 

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• Beachgirl624 member

  

  January 2014

  Thank you for responding.  Yes, everyone that is invited to the bridal shower is being invited to the wedding.   Yes, she asked me to get a rough list together of people since she does not know all of the aunt and cousins and frankly neither do i! 

  
  

  I agree with you that aunts and 1st cousins that I do not remember should not be invited because I don't want it to come across as " Hey, I have never really met you, but give me a gift" I think that is awful and do not wish that on anyone.  The problem is that there are some aunts on the list that I would place under that category, but if they are not invited then his family will get upset because the people not invited will get upset. I am trying to work around this if possible. 

  
  

  
  

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• Beachgirl624 member

  

  January 2014

  Yes my matron has already offered to throw it and is working on planning it. From what I can gather depending on the amount of people that are invited depends on where she is going to have it. She isn't saying much about the shower which is fine, but she did want a rough guest list and I made the mistake of asking my fiancé for a list because we were chatting about it one evening and he started rattling off aunt names and cousins that I have never heard of before that were invited to his sisters and therefor should be invited to this one. 

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• JCbride2015 member

  

  January 2014

  Beachgirl624 said:

  Yes my matron has already offered to throw it and is working on planning it. From what I can gather depending on the amount of people that are invited depends on where she is going to have it. She isn't saying much about the shower which is fine, but she did want a rough guest list and I made the mistake of asking my fiancé for a list because we were chatting about it one evening and he started rattling off aunt names and cousins that I have never heard of before that were invited to his sisters and therefor should be invited to this one. 

  With this new information, I really don't think you need to invite those people.  Just because they were invited to his sister's, doesn't mean they need to be invited to yours.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  January 2014

  Your FI does not get a say in this party. That's the long and short of it. Whether he thinks those family members invited to his sister's shower is irrelevant.
  
  If he wants them to be invited to a shower, then his family should host one and invite those people.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• Inkdancer member

  

  January 2014

  My FMIL's best friend has offered to throw us a shower. To that shower, I am suggesting that she invite her friends and family who will be at the wedding, as they know her.
  
  I will not be suggesting my friends or my parents' friends, as they would not know anyone else at the shower.
  
  In your case, since your MOH has offered to host, I think  you can limit the guest list to only your family and friends. Then if someone from your FI's family wants to host one, they can, and FI's family can come to that one. That is probably the best way to avoid hurt feelings.
  

  

  

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• Inkdancer member

  

  January 2014

  If you don't know them, it would be weird to invite them.
  
  Think of it this way:
  
  Shower invite = wedding invite.
  
  Wedding invite =/= shower invite.
  
  All squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares.
  

  

  

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• antibride2013 member

  

  January 2014

  Showers are for the bride, not the groom.  Just give your MOH YOUR list of close family and friends of YOU, not your FI, just you.  As PP said, if someone on his side wants to throw a shower, so be it. 

  Showers also should not include every female on the wedding guest list.  Only close family and friends of the BRIDE. 

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2014

  shrekspeare said:

  So what do you do about SO of Groomsmen? For example my FI has groomsmen that are all either married or engaged. He's close with their wives, but I don't know these women at all. Would it be in poor taste to not invite them to the shower?

  You are not required to invite them or anyone just because your FI wants you to.  As PPs have pointed out, he has no say in the guest list.  If it matters to him that much, his side can throw you a shower.  But he has to butt out of the guest list of any shower not thrown by his side.
  

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• KeptInStitches member

  

  January 2014

  @inkdancer, loved for the geometry.

  

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• Inkdancer member

  

  January 2014

  KeptInStitches said:

  @inkdancer, loved for the geometry.

  
  Thanks! It made sense to me that way...
  

  

  

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• kgd7357 member

  

  January 2014

  I wouldn't invite anyone from his side unless I was close with them. A bridal shower is about the bride. A couple's shower is different, and his side should be included.

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• tammym1001 member

  

  January 2014

  I am inviting FI's step mom and sister to my shower. Even though I know his friend's SO's I am not inviting them to my bridal shower. It will mostly just be my family and friends. I feel like showers are more of a personal bride only thing. I think it would be weird to invite people that you don't really know that well.

  
  

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• rhiannon383 member

  

  January 2014

  FMIL gave me a list of her sisters and nieces to invite and I didn't think it was weird- I've met all of them but am not particularly close to everyone. I would expect to be invited to a male relatives's fiancee's shower, I guess. The gifts are for the couple, not just the bride, so maybe that's why it doesn't seem weird to me. I don't know the proper etiquette involved, though...

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