They're coming to the reception only?

VerizonGirl · January 2014

>>I personally don't get why people are so up in arms about this.

Because the reception is not a family reunion. The reception is to thank and honor those who just served as witnesses to the wedding ceremony, and as such, will forever be marriage mentors to the newly-married couple when good times turn to bad times, and when health turns to sickness, etc.

To just show up to eat and dance is completely disrespectful.

Let's look at this from different perspectives:

If your little brother's baseball team wins the district championship and goes out for pizza, what would you think if five kids from the losing team snuck in too? Well, why not? It was probably their mistakes that allowed the winning team to WIN the game, so actually THEY deserve pizza too. Of course not.

If your FI's department at work reserves a nice, dress up restaurant in your town for a nice holiday dinner for each employee and significant other, what would you think if three guys from the department one floor down just showed up for that dinner? Would you think it would be OK since they work for the same COMPANY in the same BUILDING? Of course not.

If you just got elected to be the publicity chair of a charity in your town and the new president was going to host the new exec board to a luncheon prior to the first meeting of the new year, would you think it was OK if five people NOT on the exec board showed up for the lunch reception - because they are all MEMBERS of the group? Of course not.

The people who just attended a wedding ceremony have just accepted a new responsibility, and as such, they are celebrated and appreciated and thanked with a reception. That's the way it's considered where I live - I've never heard of anyone skipping the wedding ceremony and then horning in on the reception that's really for other people.

lyndausvi · January 2014

VerizonGirl said:

>>I personally don't get why people are so up in arms about this.

Because the reception is not a family reunion. The reception is to thank and honor those who just served as witnesses to the wedding ceremony, and as such, will forever be marriage mentors to the newly-married couple when good times turn to bad times, and when health turns to sickness, etc.

To just show up to eat and dance is completely disrespectful.

Let's look at this from different perspectives:

If your little brother's baseball team wins the district championship and goes out for pizza, what would you think if five kids from the losing team snuck in too? Well, why not? It was probably their mistakes that allowed the winning team to WIN the game, so actually THEY deserve pizza too. Of course not.

If your FI's department at work reserves a nice, dress up restaurant in your town for a nice holiday dinner for each employee and significant other, what would you think if three guys from the department one floor down just showed up for that dinner? Would you think it would be OK since they work for the same COMPANY in the same BUILDING? Of course not.

If you just got elected to be the publicity chair of a charity in your town and the new president was going to host the new exec board to a luncheon prior to the first meeting of the new year, would you think it was OK if five people NOT on the exec board showed up for the lunch reception - because they are all MEMBERS of the group? Of course not.

The people who just attended a wedding ceremony have just accepted a new responsibility, and as such, they are celebrated and appreciated and thanked with a reception. That's the way it's considered where I live - I've never heard of anyone skipping the wedding ceremony and then horning in on the reception that's really for other people.

Really?

The difference in your examples and this situation is the Aunt and family WERE INVITED. They are not crashing any party. They were invited, but for whatever reason could not attend part of the event.

My uncle never attended a ceremony. He worked Tues - Sat. Instead of taking a full day off work he just met up us at the reception. I never once looked at him and thought he didn't deserve to be there.

phira · January 2014

I think that the reason why it's a bit, "Huh?" when people skip the ceremony and come to the reception is because it can send the message, "We don't want to sit through the ceremony and watch you get married, but we WILL happily show up for the FUN part."

That's NOT to say that that's what people are actually saying or thinking. What I mean is that that's how it feels emotionally. I know that someone was on here recently because her fiance had been telling his friends to skip the Catholic ceremony because they'd be bored.

I am not suggesting that the guests in this case, or in most cases, are not coming to the ceremony because they don't care about the wedding and don't want to be bored. I am also not suggesting that the OP actually do anything about it; earlier, I even said I didn't think she should even ask. I'm trying to explain why I think it's normal to be upset, disappointed, and confused when people are skipping the ceremony.

jdluvr06 · January 2014

Like the others said those examples aren't valid in this situation. Also I have to add that I seriously doubt anyone would care if 5 little kids crashed a pizza party. They are little kids. I personally don't have a problem with people coming to the reception but not the ceremony.

HaileyDancingbear · January 2014

Let it go because there isn't any way to respond that won't ruffle feathers other than being happy they can make it at all.

Although I get why you're annoyed, the reception is supposed to be a "Thank you" for the guest, and by doing this they're saying "We like free food and booze but we're not interested in seeing you get married." Of course you also don't know the whole story and they could have a damn good reason for not being able to make it.

It's a bit annoying, give it a good eye roll if you must, but then let it go, it takes more effort to be pissed off than this situation is worth. You're getting married, there's a whole lot of happy to distract yourself with

That's just how I view it when little things bug me.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

scribe95 said:

I agree those examples don't make any sense at all. They aren't crashing. They just can't make it to the first part, for some reason that may be completely legitimate.

So let's say aunt's son has a basketball game at the same time as the ceremony. He is a member of a team, goes to all the practices and is counted on for game day. So you would rather they not come at all than come late to celebrate the new couple's union (likely with a gift in tow.)

I liked where she was going with the thread at the very beginning.

Here's the thing about the bolded. . . I get your point, but I'd personally be disappointed, especially if this was a close relative, if they chose to attend a child's sporting event, something that likely there will be many more of, rather than my wedding ceremony, which will hopefully only happen once in my life.

If it were my child and he couldn't miss the game, I'd make arrangements with parents of a team member to take my son to the game, and then I'd pick him up afterwards, even if it meant missing part or all of the reception.

Regardless of my opinion, no matter what reasons these relatives have for missing the ceremony, those reasons are their own and the OP shouldn't borrow trouble by trying to find out why they are missing the ceremony.

monkeysip · January 2014

I think it's really disrespectful to miss the ceremony without a good reason, but I also agree that unless you KNOW the reason, just assume the best of your guests.

I wouldn't pry into their reason if they didn't offer on. Just assume it's a good reason, and forget about it.

I was worried that a lot of guests would skip our Catholic mass since most are not Catholic. But only one family did, and they said it was because they didn't want to bring their little toddler, incase she made a fuss or something. Now, I couldn't care less if her toddler made a fuss, and they were all welcome to come, but I can definitely understand if a family feels it's too much trouble to bring everyone to the ceremony. That's a legit enough reason to me.

kmmssg · January 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

scribe95 said:

I agree those examples don't make any sense at all. They aren't crashing. They just can't make it to the first part, for some reason that may be completely legitimate.

So let's say aunt's son has a basketball game at the same time as the ceremony. He is a member of a team, goes to all the practices and is counted on for game day. So you would rather they not come at all than come late to celebrate the new couple's union (likely with a gift in tow.)
I liked where she was going with the thread at the very beginning.

Here's the thing about the bolded. . . I get your point, but I'd personally be disappointed, especially if this was a close relative, if they chose to attend a child's sporting event, something that likely there will be many more of, rather than my wedding ceremony, which will hopefully only happen once in my life.

If it were my child and he couldn't miss the game, I'd make arrangements with parents of a team member to take my son to the game, and then I'd pick him up afterwards, even if it meant missing part or all of the reception.

Regardless of my opinion, no matter what reasons these relatives have for missing the ceremony, those reasons are their own and the OP shouldn't borrow trouble by trying to find out why they are missing the ceremony.

@PrettyLostGirl - we usually agree on most things but maybe not quite on this one. If we are talking a little league game where there are no playoffs/tournatments (IF they even do those in little league) then I think the kid can miss the game.

If we are talking school athletics that is a different story. I would never expect a team member to not attend a game to attend my wedding. I would be thrilled to have them come later and attend the reception. Life keeps moving on for everyone and their life is being part of that team and contributing to going as far in the conference as you can go.

Again, I just look at it as I am thrilled with whatever time our guests can give to us and welcome them warmly wherever they show up.

OnionBreath · January 2014

I agree, let it go. Enjoy your wedding planning!

rajahmd · January 2014

kmmssg said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

scribe95 said:

I agree those examples don't make any sense at all. They aren't crashing. They just can't make it to the first part, for some reason that may be completely legitimate.

So let's say aunt's son has a basketball game at the same time as the ceremony. He is a member of a team, goes to all the practices and is counted on for game day. So you would rather they not come at all than come late to celebrate the new couple's union (likely with a gift in tow.)
I liked where she was going with the thread at the very beginning.

Here's the thing about the bolded. . . I get your point, but I'd personally be disappointed, especially if this was a close relative, if they chose to attend a child's sporting event, something that likely there will be many more of, rather than my wedding ceremony, which will hopefully only happen once in my life.

If it were my child and he couldn't miss the game, I'd make arrangements with parents of a team member to take my son to the game, and then I'd pick him up afterwards, even if it meant missing part or all of the reception.

Regardless of my opinion, no matter what reasons these relatives have for missing the ceremony, those reasons are their own and the OP shouldn't borrow trouble by trying to find out why they are missing the ceremony.

@PrettyLostGirl - we usually agree on most things but maybe not quite on this one. If we are talking a little league game where there are no playoffs/tournatments (IF they even do those in little league) then I think the kid can miss the game.

If we are talking school athletics that is a different story. I would never expect a team member to not attend a game to attend my wedding. I would be thrilled to have them come later and attend the reception. Life keeps moving on for everyone and their life is being part of that team and contributing to going as far in the conference as you can go.

Again, I just look at it as I am thrilled with whatever time our guests can give to us and welcome them warmly wherever they show up.

I think she was saying that as the parent of a child who had a game, they would find a way to send the kid to the game and them go to the wedding, assuming the game was not a one time only opportunity. She wasn't saying that she would expect the kid to skip the game, just the parents to weight what's higher priority.

kmmssg · January 2014

RajahBMFD said:

kmmssg said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

scribe95 said:

I agree those examples don't make any sense at all. They aren't crashing. They just can't make it to the first part, for some reason that may be completely legitimate.

So let's say aunt's son has a basketball game at the same time as the ceremony. He is a member of a team, goes to all the practices and is counted on for game day. So you would rather they not come at all than come late to celebrate the new couple's union (likely with a gift in tow.)
I liked where she was going with the thread at the very beginning.

Here's the thing about the bolded. . . I get your point, but I'd personally be disappointed, especially if this was a close relative, if they chose to attend a child's sporting event, something that likely there will be many more of, rather than my wedding ceremony, which will hopefully only happen once in my life.

If it were my child and he couldn't miss the game, I'd make arrangements with parents of a team member to take my son to the game, and then I'd pick him up afterwards, even if it meant missing part or all of the reception.

Regardless of my opinion, no matter what reasons these relatives have for missing the ceremony, those reasons are their own and the OP shouldn't borrow trouble by trying to find out why they are missing the ceremony.

@PrettyLostGirl - we usually agree on most things but maybe not quite on this one. If we are talking a little league game where there are no playoffs/tournatments (IF they even do those in little league) then I think the kid can miss the game.

If we are talking school athletics that is a different story. I would never expect a team member to not attend a game to attend my wedding. I would be thrilled to have them come later and attend the reception. Life keeps moving on for everyone and their life is being part of that team and contributing to going as far in the conference as you can go.

Again, I just look at it as I am thrilled with whatever time our guests can give to us and welcome them warmly wherever they show up.
I think she was saying that as the parent of a child who had a game, they would find a way to send the kid to the game and them go to the wedding, assuming the game was not a one time only opportunity. She wasn't saying that she would expect the kid to skip the game, just the parents to weight what's higher priority.

I see what you are saying. If it was a "regular" game, I would find a way to attend the wedding and maybe get my kid for the reception (if they were invited). If it was some kind of regional, playoff, etc kind of game, I'll see you at the reception.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

kmmssg said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

scribe95 said:

I agree those examples don't make any sense at all. They aren't crashing. They just can't make it to the first part, for some reason that may be completely legitimate.

So let's say aunt's son has a basketball game at the same time as the ceremony. He is a member of a team, goes to all the practices and is counted on for game day. So you would rather they not come at all than come late to celebrate the new couple's union (likely with a gift in tow.)
I liked where she was going with the thread at the very beginning.

Here's the thing about the bolded. . . I get your point, but I'd personally be disappointed, especially if this was a close relative, if they chose to attend a child's sporting event, something that likely there will be many more of, rather than my wedding ceremony, which will hopefully only happen once in my life.

If it were my child and he couldn't miss the game, I'd make arrangements with parents of a team member to take my son to the game, and then I'd pick him up afterwards, even if it meant missing part or all of the reception.

Regardless of my opinion, no matter what reasons these relatives have for missing the ceremony, those reasons are their own and the OP shouldn't borrow trouble by trying to find out why they are missing the ceremony.

@PrettyLostGirl - we usually agree on most things but maybe not quite on this one. If we are talking a little league game where there are no playoffs/tournatments (IF they even do those in little league) then I think the kid can miss the game.

If we are talking school athletics that is a different story. I would never expect a team member to not attend a game to attend my wedding. I would be thrilled to have them come later and attend the reception. Life keeps moving on for everyone and their life is being part of that team and contributing to going as far in the conference as you can go.

Again, I just look at it as I am thrilled with whatever time our guests can give to us and welcome them warmly wherever they show up.

I'd be upset if the parents missed my wedding for a little league or middle school/high school sporting event. I wouldn't expect the child to miss his game, but I'd think his parents could make other arrangements to get him there.

Amyzen83 · January 2014

I think it really has to depend on the situation, but I'd let this one go unless you read in FB some stupid shit like going to a movie before hand, then I'd be a bit miffed. But it sounds like they were being respectful about telling you ahead of time.

lyndausvi · January 2014

Meh, I just did not give a damn how my guests prioritize their lives when it came to my attending my wedding. If they could come, great? If they could only attend part of the day? Great. Couldn't come at all? Bummer, but no big deal.

Whatever, people obviously have stronger feelings on the subject then @kmmssg and myself.

I also give people the benefit of the doubt. Generally nice decent people don't normally skip something unless they feel it's in the best interest of them and/or their family. I do not think it's up to me to decide that for someone else. Inconsiderate/rude people are generally always inconsiderate so it would come to no surprise they are being rude.

jdluvr06 · January 2014

kmmssg said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

scribe95 said:

I agree those examples don't make any sense at all. They aren't crashing. They just can't make it to the first part, for some reason that may be completely legitimate.

So let's say aunt's son has a basketball game at the same time as the ceremony. He is a member of a team, goes to all the practices and is counted on for game day. So you would rather they not come at all than come late to celebrate the new couple's union (likely with a gift in tow.)
I liked where she was going with the thread at the very beginning.

Here's the thing about the bolded. . . I get your point, but I'd personally be disappointed, especially if this was a close relative, if they chose to attend a child's sporting event, something that likely there will be many more of, rather than my wedding ceremony, which will hopefully only happen once in my life.

If it were my child and he couldn't miss the game, I'd make arrangements with parents of a team member to take my son to the game, and then I'd pick him up afterwards, even if it meant missing part or all of the reception.

Regardless of my opinion, no matter what reasons these relatives have for missing the ceremony, those reasons are their own and the OP shouldn't borrow trouble by trying to find out why they are missing the ceremony.

@PrettyLostGirl - we usually agree on most things but maybe not quite on this one. If we are talking a little league game where there are no playoffs/tournatments (IF they even do those in little league) then I think the kid can miss the game.

If we are talking school athletics that is a different story. I would never expect a team member to not attend a game to attend my wedding. I would be thrilled to have them come later and attend the reception. Life keeps moving on for everyone and their life is being part of that team and contributing to going as far in the conference as you can go.

Again, I just look at it as I am thrilled with whatever time our guests can give to us and welcome them warmly wherever they show up.

I'd be upset if the parents missed my wedding for a little league or middle school/high school sporting event. I wouldn't expect the child to miss his game, but I'd think his parents could make other arrangements to get him there.

I disagree about this. If one of the kids coming our wedding had a game or something and the kid and their parents could only come to the reception I would be completely ok with that. I think this falls under the no one cares about your wedding as much as you do thing. Of course their kid's event is going to be more important to them than seeing your wedding. Plus I'm sure it would be important to the kid that their parents are there. My mom missed many things to come to every one of my dance recitals and it meant the world to me.

AddieCake · January 2014

I would never be upset with anyone who missed my wedding b/c they chose to attend a function or event for their child instead.

Amyzen83 · January 2014

I agree being an active parent trumps friends/extended family

antoto · January 2014

I totally get being weirded out by someone only coming to the reception and then not offering a reason why they were missing the most important part of the day... but there's nothing you can do about it, so drink a glass of wine and ignore it!

climbingsingle · January 2014

The only time I've ever missed a ceremony was because it began at 4pm on a Friday and I had to work. I would be bothered by it, especially if it was family. But what are you going to do? Try not to stress or worry too much about it. In the long run, it won't matter.

antoto · January 2014

Amyzen83 said:

I agree being an active parent trumps friends/extended family

Agree with this to a certain extent. If they are just coworkers or something I wouldn't be particularly hurt, but if it was my very best friend or my close family member and they skipped my ceremony because their 3 year old had a kiddy T ball game.... yeah that would upset me.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

jdluvr06 said:

kmmssg said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

scribe95 said:

I agree those examples don't make any sense at all. They aren't crashing. They just can't make it to the first part, for some reason that may be completely legitimate.

So let's say aunt's son has a basketball game at the same time as the ceremony. He is a member of a team, goes to all the practices and is counted on for game day. So you would rather they not come at all than come late to celebrate the new couple's union (likely with a gift in tow.)
I liked where she was going with the thread at the very beginning.

Here's the thing about the bolded. . . I get your point, but I'd personally be disappointed, especially if this was a close relative, if they chose to attend a child's sporting event, something that likely there will be many more of, rather than my wedding ceremony, which will hopefully only happen once in my life.

If it were my child and he couldn't miss the game, I'd make arrangements with parents of a team member to take my son to the game, and then I'd pick him up afterwards, even if it meant missing part or all of the reception.

Regardless of my opinion, no matter what reasons these relatives have for missing the ceremony, those reasons are their own and the OP shouldn't borrow trouble by trying to find out why they are missing the ceremony.

@PrettyLostGirl - we usually agree on most things but maybe not quite on this one. If we are talking a little league game where there are no playoffs/tournatments (IF they even do those in little league) then I think the kid can miss the game.

If we are talking school athletics that is a different story. I would never expect a team member to not attend a game to attend my wedding. I would be thrilled to have them come later and attend the reception. Life keeps moving on for everyone and their life is being part of that team and contributing to going as far in the conference as you can go.

Again, I just look at it as I am thrilled with whatever time our guests can give to us and welcome them warmly wherever they show up.

I'd be upset if the parents missed my wedding for a little league or middle school/high school sporting event. I wouldn't expect the child to miss his game, but I'd think his parents could make other arrangements to get him there.
I disagree about this. If one of the kids coming our wedding had a game or something and the kid and their parents could only come to the reception I would be completely ok with that. I think this falls under the no one cares about your wedding as much as you do thing. Of course their kid's event is going to be more important to them than seeing your wedding. Plus I'm sure it would be important to the kid that their parents are there. My mom missed many things to come to every one of my dance recitals and it meant the world to me.

I should have used disappointed again in my 2nd response. I would not be mad or upset in the sense that I am distraught, but I would be disappointed. And not because I think everyone should be as excited about my wedding as I am; I would be disappointed I couldn't celebrate and party with a close family member.

This has already come up with weddings in FI's family- he has cousins who are finishing HS or whom are in college that play sports, and they have missed weddings or come only to the reception, NBD. However, their parents opted to go to the weddings over the sports games. I wouldn't say that means they aren't active parents, they just felt the family weddings were more important than another regular season soccer or football game.

jleon12lsu · January 2014

I had several people only come to the reception. I got a little bummed about it but had to just let it go. What was way worse was the amount of people that RSVP'd yes and didn't come to the ceremony or reception. I understand personal emergencies and issues that come up but a lot of these people were like "sorry I just didn't come. Wish I could have made it." That's great but why RSVP yes....or at least send me a message at the point that you knew you couldn't come. Looking back we spent close to $4000 more than we needed to on food that we had to take home. I found that way worse than not coming to the ceremony.

lc07 · January 2014

antoto said:

I totally get being weirded out by someone only coming to the reception and then not offering a reason why they were missing the most important part of the day... but there's nothing you can do about it, so drink a glass of wine and ignore it!

I don't think anyone owes others an explanation, though. It could be something very personal. I agree with the PP who suggested to think the best of your guests.

antoto · January 2014

lc07 said:

antoto said:

I totally get being weirded out by someone only coming to the reception and then not offering a reason why they were missing the most important part of the day... but there's nothing you can do about it, so drink a glass of wine and ignore it!

I don't think anyone owes others an explanation, though. It could be something very personal. I agree with the PP who suggested to think the best of your guests.

It's not about OWING an explanation... it's just that typically one is given. If you are talking with your friend and you ask her to come to your birthday dinner that night, if she said. "No." and did not say anything else at all it would be weird. Normally people are like, "Wish I could, but xyz" It's just that it's STRANGE for someone not to explain. I'm not saying they are bad, evil people or that they owe the bride anything... it's just weird, darn it!

lyndausvi · January 2014

antoto said:

lc07 said:

antoto said:

I totally get being weirded out by someone only coming to the reception and then not offering a reason why they were missing the most important part of the day... but there's nothing you can do about it, so drink a glass of wine and ignore it!

I don't think anyone owes others an explanation, though. It could be something very personal. I agree with the PP who suggested to think the best of your guests.

It's not about OWING an explanation... it's just that typically one is given. If you are talking with your friend and you ask her to come to your birthday dinner that night, if she said. "No." and did not say anything else at all it would be weird. Normally people are like, "Wish I could, but xyz" It's just that it's STRANGE for someone not to explain. I'm not saying they are bad, evil people or that they owe the bride anything... it's just weird, darn it!

I understood it was a note written on an RSVP card. Maybe they didn't want to write a novel explaining? If the topic comes up in person it's likely they will offer an explanation.

hikebikebemerry · January 2014

I agree that you should just let it go, they have their reasons, and you should trust that they are good enough. I also agree that you probably wouldn't realize if they hadn't said anything to you about it.

If you try to dig deeper to find out their reasoning, you might end up feeling worse.. perhaps they don't approve of where you are holding the ceremony, but want to show their love and support so they are opting to only go the the ceremony? Wouldn't that hurt you more if you forced that out of them? Or, and more likely, they have reasons (it doesn't matter if you think they are valid/ invalid, but if they think it's a valid reason, it's a valid reason) and by you prying, it will end up insulting them because you don't trust that they are being responsible adults.

heathertims · February 2014

My wedding was friday around 4 (or 5 i dont even remember) so i had some guests that only came to the reception due to work. I was only a bit miffed because I wish they had told me (not that it would change anything) and I didnt find out from a family member the day before the wedding. Plus the day before stress levels were ridiculous and i was honestly miffed about everything.

But it did make 100% sense. If they know this far in advance, and told you, its probably for a good reason, not just "ceremonies are boring"

k8tong · February 2014

If they don't have a good reason for not coming to the ceremony, yeah, totally rude. I'd send them a note explaining that you'd prefer them to come to the ceremony if they cannot stay for the entire event. If that doesn't do the trick, explain to them that the reception is a "thank you" for those coming to the ceremony. They can come to both or the ceremony alone, but just coming to the reception is rude, and you would not prefer to deal with rudeness on your happy day.

lc07 · February 2014

k8tong said:

If they don't have a good reason for not coming to the ceremony, yeah, totally rude. I'd send them a note explaining that you'd prefer them to come to the ceremony if they cannot stay for the entire event. If that doesn't do the trick, explain to them that the reception is a "thank you" for those coming to the ceremony. They can come to both or the ceremony alone, but just coming to the reception is rude, and you would not prefer to deal with rudeness on your happy day.

Are you serious? If someone said that to me it would be friendship-ending. That's horrible advice.

Cookie Pusher · February 2014

k8tong said:

If they don't have a good reason for not coming to the ceremony, yeah, totally rude. I'd send them a note explaining that you'd prefer them to come to the ceremony if they cannot stay for the entire event. If that doesn't do the trick, explain to them that the reception is a "thank you" for those coming to the ceremony. They can come to both or the ceremony alone, but just coming to the reception is rude, and you would not prefer to deal with rudeness on your happy day.

They're coming to the reception only?

Re: They're coming to the reception only?

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