Had a big wedding planned but now want small, private wedding!

scable12 · January 2014

My fiancé and I got engaged in May of 2013 and we set the date for July 19th, 2014 in June of 2013. We sent out save the dates a few months ago but we have decided instead of the 100+ person wedding that we want to do an intimate wedding with just our immediate families, best man, maid of honor, and grandparents. How do we tell the rest of the guests that got the STDs that we are having a private wedding and they aren't invited anymore? I know I shouldn't worry about what they think, seeing as it is MY wedding and not theirs, but I want to do it in a way that people wont be upset. Please help!!

AddieCake · January 2014

Yes, you should worry about what they think. It's fine to do this. Just send notes saying you have decided to be married in a private ceremony instead. And then you absolutely cannot invite any more than the ones you named, or it will be a lie. No "well, just these 2 friends we're really close to and his aunt and uncle," etc.

misshart00 · January 2014

scable12 said:

My fiancé and I got engaged in May of 2013 and we set the date for July 19th, 2014 in June of 2013. We sent out save the dates a few months ago but we have decided instead of the 100+ person wedding that we want to do an intimate wedding with just our immediate families, best man, maid of honor, and grandparents. How do we tell the rest of the guests that got the STDs that we are having a private wedding and they aren't invited anymore? I know I shouldn't worry about what they think, seeing as it is MY wedding and not theirs, but I want to do it in a way that people wont be upset. Please help!!

What Addie said. But please drop the "it's MY day!" attitude.

grumbledore · January 2014

scable12 said:

My fiancé and I got engaged in May of 2013 and we set the date for July 19th, 2014 in June of 2013. We sent out save the dates a few months ago but we have decided instead of the 100+ person wedding that we want to do an intimate wedding with just our immediate families, best man, maid of honor, and grandparents. How do we tell the rest of the guests that got the STDs that we are having a private wedding and they aren't invited anymore? I know I shouldn't worry about what they think, seeing as it is MY wedding and not theirs, but I want to do it in a way that people wont be upset. Please help!!

You've already invited those you sent STDs to. A save the date is a commitment to invite that person to the wedding. The purpose of a save the date is to inform people they are invited so they can make work and travel arrangements.

Your only polite option, other than proceeding as planned, is to cancel the current wedding and reschedule for an entirely different date (and send out a notice to everyone you sent a STD to stating "The wedding of ____ and ____ will not be taking place as scheduled").

When you reschedule, you might want to consider not sending save the dates considering your apparently capricious nature.

If this is a money issue, then see if you can scale way back on your plans while keeping the guests you've already invited.

zitiqueen · January 2014

scable12 said:

My fiancé and I got engaged in May of 2013 and we set the date for July 19th, 2014 in June of 2013. We sent out save the dates a few months ago but we have decided instead of the 100+ person wedding that we want to do an intimate wedding with just our immediate families, best man, maid of honor, and grandparents. How do we tell the rest of the guests that got the STDs that we are having a private wedding and they aren't invited anymore? I know I shouldn't worry about what they think, seeing as it is MY wedding and not theirs, but I want to do it in a way that people wont be upset. Please help!!

Are you still planning to do a reception?

mbross3 · January 2014

Unfortunately, no matter how you do this, it will be rude and people will be offended. You should not have sent out STDs before you were absolutely sure of what you were doing and who you were inviting. Uninviting people (which is what you are doing) is awkward no matter the reason.

If you are set to change your plans, you absolutely have to do as PP have said and only include immediate family. No friends. No extended family. Just immediate family and tell everyone else that is what you are doing. Do no lie or invite "just a couple close friends" this will make it much worse!

delujm0 · January 2014

This is why you don't send STDs until your plans are solidified. And why you only send them to absolute VIPs.

You have to tell everyone that got an STD and that is no longer invited that your plans have changed. Or you have to continue on with your prevoius plans and invite them to the wedding. You should "worry" about what they think because clearly you care about them enough that you were planning to invite them to your wedding. It would be horribly rude not to inform them of the change of plans - what if some of them start buying flights and booking hotels assuming that an invitation is forthcoming and then that invitation never arrives?

KatWAG · January 2014

grumbledore said:

scable12 said:

My fiancé and I got engaged in May of 2013 and we set the date for July 19th, 2014 in June of 2013. We sent out save the dates a few months ago but we have decided instead of the 100+ person wedding that we want to do an intimate wedding with just our immediate families, best man, maid of honor, and grandparents. How do we tell the rest of the guests that got the STDs that we are having a private wedding and they aren't invited anymore? I know I shouldn't worry about what they think, seeing as it is MY wedding and not theirs, but I want to do it in a way that people wont be upset. Please help!!

You've already invited those you sent STDs to. A save the date is a commitment to invite that person to the wedding. The purpose of a save the date is to inform people they are invited so they can make work and travel arrangements.
Your only polite option, other than proceeding as planned, is to cancel the current wedding and reschedule for an entirely different date (and send out a notice to everyone you sent a STD to stating "The wedding of ____ and ____ will not be taking place as scheduled").

When you reschedule, you might want to consider not sending save the dates considering your apparently capricious nature.
If this is a money issue, then see if you can scale way back on your plans while keeping the guests you've already invited.

All of this.

Anyway you approach it, I think its really rude to uninvite people simply because you changed your mind.

misshart00 · January 2014

I would also scrap all of your plans and start over (probably with a different date too). After sending out cards that say "the wedding of x and y will not take place."

scable12 · January 2014

The only people that were originally invited to the wedding were extended family only, I have a very big Italian family with 5 aunts and uncles that have 5 children that have children as well. That's only on my mother's side. And when I say it is "my day" I mean just that. It is my wedding and my marriage. My parents support this decision and I was set on doing a big wedding but things change and plans change. We have planned to renew our vows in 10-15 years and do a blow out wedding. To me the big wedding wraps you up in making everyone else happy when in reality it is about my future husband and I starting our lives together. I was pressured into doing a big wedding by my fiance's mother and even a little bit by mine. It's hard not to upset everyone and make yourself happy. I'm not going to be miserable on my wedding day, that's not how it works.

I acknowledge the fact that people will be upset when they won't be there, as if the rolls were reversed I would be a little upset too, but I recognize that the wedding is all about the bride and groom and the joining of the two. I don't need a lecture on what I SHOULD have done, it's in the past. This is about the present and the future. So if you could please leave comments that are helpful, I'd appreciate it.

I'll still inform all of the guests and explain why we are choosing to do a private wedding instead. Please, helpful comments only.

AddieCake · January 2014

scable12 said:

The only people that were originally invited to the wedding were extended family only, I have a very big Italian family with 5 aunts and uncles that have 5 children that have children as well. That's only on my mother's side. And when I say it is "my day" I mean just that. It is my wedding and my marriage. My parents support this decision and I was set on doing a big wedding but things change and plans change. We have planned to renew our vows in 10-15 years and do a blow out wedding. To me the big wedding wraps you up in making everyone else happy when in reality it is about my future husband and I starting our lives together. I was pressured into doing a big wedding by my fiance's mother and even a little bit by mine. It's hard not to upset everyone and make yourself happy. I'm not going to be miserable on my wedding day, that's not how it works.
I acknowledge the fact that people will be upset when they won't be there, as if the rolls were reversed I would be a little upset too, but I recognize that the wedding is all about the bride and groom and the joining of the two. I don't need a lecture on what I SHOULD have done, it's in the past. This is about the present and the future. So if you could please leave comments that are helpful, I'd appreciate it.

I'll still inform all of the guests and explain why we are choosing to do a private wedding instead. Please, helpful comments only.

This is a public forum, so you don't get to tell people how to post. Additionally, all the comments HAVE been helpful.

You do know it's your fiance's day, too, right? Not just yours?

Your future vow renewal as a big blow out wedding is inappropriate. First, it won't be a wedding b/c you're already having one, no matter how small. Second, blow out vow renewals in general are in poor taste.

Again, it's fine to cancel your current wedding plans and go private. No need to make a big fuss.

mbross3 · January 2014

I think everyone has been helpful so far! You have gotten lots of great advice, including sending out notices to everyone saying that the wedding will not take place as planned and to start planning from scratch (including new date). This is the *best* piece of advice you will get- I suggest you take it to heart!

PP are also correct in pointing out that this is rude- this is the etiquette board and people will comment on your etiquette!

Also you are incorrect in saying that the wedding is "all about the bride and groom" --in fact it's about the bride, the groom, and all of their family, friends and guests who have given up time (and perhaps money) to come and support the couple! The wedding reception is a way of thanking your guests for honoring you with their presence.

I would recommend holding off on planning your "blow out wedding" /renewal of vows for 10-15 years from now. Seems a little soon for that.

KatWAG · January 2014

scable12 said:

The only people that were originally invited to the wedding were extended family only, I have a very big Italian family with 5 aunts and uncles that have 5 children that have children as well. That's only on my mother's side. And when I say it is "my day" I mean just that. It is my wedding and my marriage. My parents support this decision and I was set on doing a big wedding but things change and plans change. We have planned to renew our vows in 10-15 years and do a blow out wedding. To me the big wedding wraps you up in making everyone else happy when in reality it is about my future husband and I starting our lives together. I was pressured into doing a big wedding by my fiance's mother and even a little bit by mine. It's hard not to upset everyone and make yourself happy. I'm not going to be miserable on my wedding day, that's not how it works.
I acknowledge the fact that people will be upset when they won't be there, as if the rolls were reversed I would be a little upset too, but I recognize that the wedding is all about the bride and groom and the joining of the two. I don't need a lecture on what I SHOULD have done, it's in the past. This is about the present and the future. So if you could please leave comments that are helpful, I'd appreciate it.

I'll still inform all of the guests and explain why we are choosing to do a private wedding instead. Please, helpful comments only.

Well arent you a peach.

And what about your Fi? Is it his day and his wedding also, or just yours?

And it stops being completely about you and your fi when you invite your first guest.

delujm0 · January 2014

scable12 said:

The only people that were originally invited to the wedding were extended family only, I have a very big Italian family with 5 aunts and uncles that have 5 children that have children as well. That's only on my mother's side. And when I say it is "my day" I mean just that. It is my wedding and my marriage. My parents support this decision and I was set on doing a big wedding but things change and plans change. We have planned to renew our vows in 10-15 years and do a blow out wedding. To me the big wedding wraps you up in making everyone else happy when in reality it is about my future husband and I starting our lives together. I was pressured into doing a big wedding by my fiance's mother and even a little bit by mine. It's hard not to upset everyone and make yourself happy. I'm not going to be miserable on my wedding day, that's not how it works.
I acknowledge the fact that people will be upset when they won't be there, as if the rolls were reversed I would be a little upset too, but I recognize that the wedding is all about the bride and groom and the joining of the two. I don't need a lecture on what I SHOULD have done, it's in the past. This is about the present and the future. So if you could please leave comments that are helpful, I'd appreciate it.

I'll still inform all of the guests and explain why we are choosing to do a private wedding instead. Please, helpful comments only.

A vow renewal is not a wedding. Your wedding is happening in June. A vow renewal is a vow renewal. 10 or 15 year anniversaries are perfectly acceptable times to host vow renewals - but be aware that a lot of people do side-eye "blow out" vow renewals. If your original wedding is personal and intimate, why would your vow renewal be any different?

And for what it's worth, if i was one of the people who was uninvnted from the original wedding, i'd probably decline the vow renewal invitation in 10 years. again, i wasn't important enough the first time around, why would i be important enough 10 years from now?

If you really want a blow-out wedding, do it once, now. If you don't want a blow out wedding, don't ever have one. What do YOU really want? Because you're saying you want something intimate but that in 10 years you'll want a blow out...i just don't understand why you would change your mind in that time. If your relatives are the ones insisting on the blow out, just tell them no. That you don't want one, ever, and you don't plan to have one. If they don't like that decision, they don't have to attend your intimate wedding in June.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

scable12 said:

The only people that were originally invited to the wedding were extended family only, I have a very big Italian family with 5 aunts and uncles that have 5 children that have children as well. That's only on my mother's side. And when I say it is "my day" I mean just that. It is my wedding and my marriage. My parents support this decision and I was set on doing a big wedding but things change and plans change. We have planned to renew our vows in 10-15 years and do a blow out wedding. To me the big wedding wraps you up in making everyone else happy when in reality it is about my future husband and I starting our lives together. I was pressured into doing a big wedding by my fiance's mother and even a little bit by mine. It's hard not to upset everyone and make yourself happy. I'm not going to be miserable on my wedding day, that's not how it works.
I acknowledge the fact that people will be upset when they won't be there, as if the rolls were reversed I would be a little upset too, but I recognize that the wedding is all about the bride and groom and the joining of the two. I don't need a lecture on what I SHOULD have done, it's in the past. This is about the present and the future. So if you could please leave comments that are helpful, I'd appreciate it.

I'll still inform all of the guests and explain why we are choosing to do a private wedding instead. Please, helpful comments only.

Ugh. First it isn't your day it is you and your FI day so quit it with the my wedding crap. Also it stops just being your wedding when you involve others.

I don't get the whole "we are planning a big blow out wedding for our 10-15 year anniversary." First, you can't have a big blow out wedding because you would have already had one when you first wed. Second, you don't think you are going to get pressure from your family when you go to plan that big PPD down the road?

Look if you and your FI want to have a small wedding then go for it. But honestly scrap the whole 10-15 year anniversary PPD carp. Who even decides to do this before they are even married?

Jen4948 · January 2014

Everyone has been helpful.

Your wedding is not "your day." It is the day that you and another person make a lifelong legal, social, and perhaps religious commitment to each other, but that does not give you either ownership of the day or the right to expect everyone to do what you want every single nanosecond of it.

As for whether or not you can not invite anyone you sent an STD to already, while you can do that, unfortunately you may well be subjecting yourself and your FI to justified resentment on the part of the recipients of those STDs who will not be invited to your wedding.

AddieCake · January 2014

I, too, am confused why you say you felt pressured into a big wedding now but plan to have a big do-over 10-15 years from now. What's the difference?

Inkdancer · January 2014

scable12 said:

The only people that were originally invited to the wedding were extended family only, I have a very big Italian family with 5 aunts and uncles that have 5 children that have children as well. That's only on my mother's side. And when I say it is "my day" I mean just that. It is my wedding and my marriage. My parents support this decision and I was set on doing a big wedding but things change and plans change. We have planned to renew our vows in 10-15 years and do a blow out wedding. To me the big wedding wraps you up in making everyone else happy when in reality it is about my future husband and I starting our lives together. I was pressured into doing a big wedding by my fiance's mother and even a little bit by mine. It's hard not to upset everyone and make yourself happy. I'm not going to be miserable on my wedding day, that's not how it works.
I acknowledge the fact that people will be upset when they won't be there, as if the rolls were reversed I would be a little upset too, but I recognize that the wedding is all about the bride and groom and the joining of the two. I don't need a lecture on what I SHOULD have done, it's in the past. This is about the present and the future. So if you could please leave comments that are helpful, I'd appreciate it.

I'll still inform all of the guests and explain why we are choosing to do a private wedding instead. Please, helpful comments only.

If you want a large, blow-out wedding, you must have it now.

In 10-15 years, you will not be a bride and groom. You will be a wife and a husband. Husbands and wives cannot have weddings, as they are already married.

If you want to have a large party in 10 years to celebrate your marriage, that is fine, but you may not wear a wedding dress, have a bridal party, or do anything associated with a wedding.

So it sounds like one of two things has happened: either you cannot afford the large wedding you wanted now, or you are truly feeling overwhelmed by the idea of having so many people there on the day you get married. You have a couple of options for how to handle this.

If finances are the concern, you don't have to cut people out of your wedding. Change the day or time to be a morning or early afternoon celebration. Have it at a non-meal time and serve only appetizers and cake, or have brunch or lunch which are often less expensive. Cut out lots of flowers, get a less expensive dress, or have the ceremony and reception in the same space to save on venue costs.

If you're feeling that you've been pushed into a wedding that is too large, you can decide not to invite as many people. This route will probably hurt feelings, especially if you later have a big party. (Guests will think "oh, I'm good enough to come to this party, but they couldn't invite me to celebrate their actual marriage?") It's a hard decision to make, and hard to navigate without hurting anyone. The best thing you could do in this case is call off the wedding you've planned entirely, then get married on a different day with only your extremely close family in attendance. A simple note to those who received Save the Dates saying "the wedding of X and Y on Z will not be held as planned" and you can leave it at that.

If you do re-plan your wedding, make it clear to your parents and your fiance's parents that you are not interested in a large wedding. Everyone needs to know up front that this will not be the family reunion bonanza that they initially expected.

ETA: PPs didn't tell you what you did wrong to get on your case about it. They said it to let lurkers and future brides know how to avoid this same situation.

OnionBreath · January 2014

No one ever thinks their own plans or actions are rude.

You asked the question, stop being defensive about it for a few days, think about it and proceed with the excellent advice given, or don't.

No need to throw the time people have invested in answering your question in their faces.

vt&dt · January 2014

OP, everyone here has been helpful. And when you post on a public forum, you're likely to get a large variety of opinions.

PPs have said the only way to do this that is acceptable - which is to cancel the current wedding plans, notify all guests, and start over.

I will say though, that if I was invited to a wedding, got notification that the wedding was cancelled, then learned that it was rescheduled to be smaller and that I was essentially un-invited, I would be offended. You may think that your friends/extended family/etc wouldn't mind - I can guarantee someone will have hurt feelings over this.

If I felt like I was a close friend - it could be a friendship-ending move. It's essentially telling (indirectly) everyone that isn't invited to the "intimate" wedding that they're not special or important enough to you.

Would having an intimate ceremony and then a reception with everyone invited be an option? It would be a little strange to get a STD for a reception-only thing - but it's possible to have only immediate family at a ceremony and then a large reception.

One last thought... who is paying for the wedding? If your parents are paying for the wedding, they should have a say in the size of the guest list and who is invited. It makes them look inconsiderate if they are hosting a wedding and un-invite guests.

AddieCake · January 2014

I would not be offended if someone decided to change to a private ceremony and I had to be uninvited. I would be if they changed from inviting 100 to 50, yes, but not if I were cut from the list so the guests were going to be less than 10 people.

sarahufl · January 2014

I would be offended.

Knope2014 · January 2014

vt&dt said:

Would having an intimate ceremony and then a reception with everyone invited be an option? It would be a little strange to get a STD for a reception-only thing - but it's possible to have only immediate family at a ceremony and then a large reception.

From what I gather, and my own personal opinion, this is not a good idea. It's very rude to not invite someone to the ceremony, but expect them for the reception. It's like saying "I don't want you around when I say I do, but come give me a gift anyway."

Just my two cents.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

HT to @grumbledore for use of the word 'capricious.'

OP, you've been given good advice. The fact you don't realise that underscores my belief you're too young to get married.

You get one wedding day --ONE. Have that now however you want it, but you don't get a big blowout in 10-15 years. You get this, whatever you have when you get married.

If you're not old enough to cut mama's apron strings and say 'no,' you're not old enough to get married.

And what does your FI think of all this?

AddieCake · January 2014

Knope2014 said:

vt&dt said:

Would having an intimate ceremony and then a reception with everyone invited be an option? It would be a little strange to get a STD for a reception-only thing - but it's possible to have only immediate family at a ceremony and then a large reception.

From what I gather, and my own personal opinion, this is not a good idea. It's very rude to not invite someone to the ceremony, but expect them for the reception. It's like saying "I don't want you around when I say I do, but come give me a gift anyway."

Just my two cents.

It's fine to have a very intimate, private ceremony and then a larger reception. It's not ok to have like 20+ people at the ceremony and then invite more to the reception.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

AddieL73 said:

Knope2014 said:

vt&dt said:

Would having an intimate ceremony and then a reception with everyone invited be an option? It would be a little strange to get a STD for a reception-only thing - but it's possible to have only immediate family at a ceremony and then a large reception.

From what I gather, and my own personal opinion, this is not a good idea. It's very rude to not invite someone to the ceremony, but expect them for the reception. It's like saying "I don't want you around when I say I do, but come give me a gift anyway."

Just my two cents.

It's fine to have a very intimate, private ceremony and then a larger reception. It's not ok to have like 20+ people at the ceremony and then invite more to the reception.

Unless you're the Duggars and those 20+ people are your parents, siblings, siblings' spouses, and in-laws.

cowgirl8238 · January 2014

vt&dt said:

OP, everyone here has been helpful. And when you post on a public forum, you're likely to get a large variety of opinions.

PPs have said the only way to do this that is acceptable - which is to cancel the current wedding plans, notify all guests, and start over.

I will say though, that if I was invited to a wedding, got notification that the wedding was cancelled, then learned that it was rescheduled to be smaller and that I was essentially un-invited, I would be offended. You may think that your friends/extended family/etc wouldn't mind - I can guarantee someone will have hurt feelings over this.

If I felt like I was a close friend - it could be a friendship-ending move. It's essentially telling (indirectly) everyone that isn't invited to the "intimate" wedding that they're not special or important enough to you.

Would having an intimate ceremony and then a reception with everyone invited be an option? It would be a little strange to get a STD for a reception-only thing - but it's possible to have only immediate family at a ceremony and then a large reception.

One last thought... who is paying for the wedding? If your parents are paying for the wedding, they should have a say in the size of the guest list and who is invited. It makes them look inconsiderate if they are hosting a wedding and un-invite guests.

Please don't make the ceremony private with a larger reception. I know it isn't technically wrong, but I don't like the vibe they give off. To me it says you can buy us a present and party but you can't actually watch us get married.

As far as your plans, I personally think it is rude to invite someone to a wedding and then uninvite them because you changed your mind.

Also add me to the camp of confused about the small wedding now big party later. How does that change anything?

Edit to add.

Knope2014 · January 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:
Unless you're the Duggars and those 20+ people are your parents, siblings, siblings' spouses, and in-laws.

I giggled, because between me and Fi, our parents, siblings, and sibling's SO's makes 23. Well, 35 if you count the kids...

MobKaz · January 2014

In addition to all that has been said, you will no longer be able to have ANY type of pre-wedding party that includes anyone other than the new, smaller guest list.

climbingsingle · January 2014

Every reply in here has been helpful, so OP, I'm really not sure why you're getting your panties in a wad.

I'd be offended if I was sent an STD and then told it was going to be a private affair. That's just the fact of the matter. I think you best bet is to contact the people that received the STDs and tell them the wedding isn't happening as originally planned.

nsweare · January 2014

AddieL73 said:
I would not be offended if someone decided to change to a private ceremony and I had to be uninvited. I would be if they changed from inviting 100 to 50, yes, but not if I were cut from the list so the guests were going to be less than 10 people.

I would not be offended either. It's not a personal slight.

Had a big wedding planned but now want small, private wedding!

Re: Had a big wedding planned but now want small, private wedding!

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