Pre-wedding Parties

Feeling bleh about the whole bachelor/bachelorette party thing

FI and his brother have been on the phone lately talking about his bachelor party, and it's really starting to get me down.  He's having one, I'm not.

They are planning a weekend in Atlantic City at the casinos for his party.  He's already told his brother he wants all his cousins invited (including the girls).  His brother was not thrilled about the idea of having girls at a bachelor party, but FI told him "I want all my cousins with me."  He's also invited my youngest brother to attend and has even offered to pick him up in Virginia on his way up to AC.  I trust my FI completely, and on top of that he's inviting his girl cousins and my brother, and made it very clear he doesn't want anything to do with strippers.  Still, just hearing the words 'Bachelor Party' puts an involuntary knot in my stomach due to an experience with my ex-FI.  I was engaged years ago, and during our engagement my ex-FI was the best man for his best friend's party.  As he was getting ready to leave for the out of town bachelor party, I didn't ask what they were going to do, figuring I would rather not know.  But before he left, he told me "Don't worry, I made a promise to Erin (the bride) that we wouldn't go to the strip clubs." 

While they were away at the BP, I spoke to the bride.  She was so relieved that when she asked my then-FI not to plan any strip clubs, he agreed and promised her they wouldn't.  Months later, he was drunk and blurted out to a future groom that "It's not a bachelor party if there are no strippers."  I said "You didn't have strippers at John's party" and was met with a guilty look.  That's when I found out that they had strippers from an escort service sent to the hotel  room.  Ex-FI was adamant that he hadn't lied to me or the bride:  "I promised we wouldn't GO to any STRIP CLUBS and we didn't.   I never lied to you."

So, yeah.  Even though I know what FI's plans are and who will be there, I feel a tiny bit of stress although I know it applies to a past situation and not this one.

The other thing is that nobody will be throwing me a bachelorette party.  I had a close group of girlfriends but my relationship with one girl who was central to the group became very toxic.  Eventually, for my own sanity, I had to cut off my friendship with her and as a result I'm no longer a part of the group.  I still get together individually with several of the girls I used to hang out with, but I'm no longer invited to group events and they no longer attend events when I hostess. 

I'm feeling a little pathetic that FI will be having a big party surrounded by all his friends and cousins, and I don't have anyone to do the same for me.  It's just the littlest bit depressing.

Anybody else go through this?

Re: Feeling bleh about the whole bachelor/bachelorette party thing

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm sorry to hear that.  Why did things get so toxic with your former friends?
  • It sounds like there are a couple of things going: 1) you have a bad taste in your mouth from an ex-FI who doesn't seem to understand that purposely misleading someone is the same as lying, and 2) you're feeling a little lonely that he's surrounded by friends and you have no prospect of anyone throwing you a party. 

    It does sound like issue #1 is causing some second thoughts/trust issues because you felt the need to say "I trust my FI completely" and then cite reasons why there probably won't be strippers. You've got to let it go. It sounds like your ex-FI was a complete fucking asshole who's your ex-FI for a reason. Don't let the fact that he's a lying jerk influence your thoughts about this situation. Some guys are like him - most aren't. Not all guys are so cliche and unimaginative that they think "it's not a bachelor party if there aren't strippers". Many don't find entertainment value in paying anonymous strangers to get naked and they believe they can have a party without them. It sounds like this is your FI is in the latter category.

    As for issue #2 - I'm really sorry that you're feeling lonely. Could you plan a weekend away with your mom/sister/friends the weekend of his party so you're not twiddling your thumbs at home? It'd just be a fun girls weekend away. Just because you're engaged doesn't mean planning a girls weekend is automatically a bach party and you can't plan it yourself. 
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    MalMondo1020
  • It sounds like there are a couple of things going: 1) you have a bad taste in your mouth from an ex-FI who doesn't seem to understand that purposely misleading someone is the same as lying, and 2) you're feeling a little lonely that he's surrounded by friends and you have no prospect of anyone throwing you a party. 

    It does sound like issue #1 is causing some second thoughts/trust issues because you felt the need to say "I trust my FI completely" and then cite reasons why there probably won't be strippers. You've got to let it go. It sounds like your ex-FI was a complete fucking asshole who's your ex-FI for a reason. Don't let the fact that he's a lying jerk influence your thoughts about this situation. Some guys are like him - most aren't. Not all guys are so cliche and unimaginative that they think "it's not a bachelor party if there aren't strippers". Many don't find entertainment value in paying anonymous strangers to get naked and they believe they can have a party without them. It sounds like this is your FI is in the latter category.

    As for issue #2 - I'm really sorry that you're feeling lonely. Could you plan a weekend away with your mom/sister/friends the weekend of his party so you're not twiddling your thumbs at home? It'd just be a fun girls weekend away. Just because you're engaged doesn't mean planning a girls weekend is automatically a bach party and you can't plan it yourself. 


    This x1000

     

    Things got toxic with that friend for a lot of reasons.  She fit the profile perfectly to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which was sad but was very exhausting to cope with.  After too much badmouthing friends behind their backs, lots of passive-aggressive behavior, and her generally treating me like a doormat, I had enough.  I am the third friend from the group to walk away, and I know I won't be the last.  I don't regret it for a second, but I am sad that it means my relationships with the other girls has to be one-on-one.  We used to have a lot of fun together.

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2013
    Why do the relationships with the other girls have to be one on one? Can't you all hang out and not invite the toxic one? If several of them have walked away from the friendship with her as well, it seems like this girl should no longer be prohibiting you from being friends with these girls as a group. Obviously none of them are going to be like, "Ooooh, you didn't invite so and so!!!!"

    That's what I'd do. You could all go out and have a good time together. If you orchestrate it, just don't call it a bachelorette party. It's just a group of girls going out having some fun on a Saturday night, just like people do all the time. In your mind, it's your bachelorette party, but as long as you don't call it that, no rules are broken. 




    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • It sounds like there are a couple of things going: 1) you have a bad taste in your mouth from an ex-FI who doesn't seem to understand that purposely misleading someone is the same as lying, and 2) you're feeling a little lonely that he's surrounded by friends and you have no prospect of anyone throwing you a party. 

    It does sound like issue #1 is causing some second thoughts/trust issues because you felt the need to say "I trust my FI completely" and then cite reasons why there probably won't be strippers. You've got to let it go. It sounds like your ex-FI was a complete fucking asshole who's your ex-FI for a reason. Don't let the fact that he's a lying jerk influence your thoughts about this situation. Some guys are like him - most aren't. Not all guys are so cliche and unimaginative that they think "it's not a bachelor party if there aren't strippers". Many don't find entertainment value in paying anonymous strangers to get naked and they believe they can have a party without them. It sounds like this is your FI is in the latter category.

    As for issue #2 - I'm really sorry that you're feeling lonely. Could you plan a weekend away with your mom/sister/friends the weekend of his party so you're not twiddling your thumbs at home? It'd just be a fun girls weekend away. Just because you're engaged doesn't mean planning a girls weekend is automatically a bach party and you can't plan it yourself. 
    All of it, but especially the bolded. 

    I'm really sorry that you're having a hard time finding your place with your girlfriends now that you're not friends with the queen bee. I've gone through it, and it's HARD. Hopefully you can maintain friendships with the girls you were closest to...
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    AddieL73 said:
    Why do the relationships with the other girls have to be one on one? Can't you all hang out and not invite the toxic one? If several of them have walked away from the friendship with her as well, it seems like this girl should no longer be prohibiting you from being friends with these girls as a group. Obviously none of them are going to be like, "Ooooh, you didn't invite so and so!!!!"

    That's what I'd do. You could all go out and have a good time together. If you orchestrate it, just don't call it a bachelorette party. It's just a group of girls going out having some fun on a Saturday night, just like people do all the time. In your mind, it's your bachelorette party, but as long as you don't call it that, no rules are broken. 




    This is what I'd do.
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