Had a big wedding planned but now want small, private wedding!

JellyBean52513 · January 2014

scable12 said:

The only people that were originally invited to the wedding were extended family only, I have a very big Italian family with 5 aunts and uncles that have 5 children that have children as well. That's only on my mother's side. And when I say it is "my day" I mean just that. It is my wedding and my marriage. My parents support this decision and I was set on doing a big wedding but things change and plans change. We have planned to renew our vows in 10-15 years and do a blow out wedding. To me the big wedding wraps you up in making everyone else happy when in reality it is about my future husband and I starting our lives together. I was pressured into doing a big wedding by my fiance's mother and even a little bit by mine. It's hard not to upset everyone and make yourself happy. I'm not going to be miserable on my wedding day, that's not how it works.
I acknowledge the fact that people will be upset when they won't be there, as if the rolls were reversed I would be a little upset too, but I recognize that the wedding is all about the bride and groom and the joining of the two. I don't need a lecture on what I SHOULD have done, it's in the past. This is about the present and the future. So if you could please leave comments that are helpful, I'd appreciate it.

I'll still inform all of the guests and explain why we are choosing to do a private wedding instead. Please, helpful comments only.

I LOLed at your first bolded comment because you seem extremely entitled. Nothing in life works out perfectly and something may or may not upset you on your wedding day, depending on how you approach everything.

To your other bolded comments, I suggest not telling people how to respond to you when you're the only who asked them for advice. These comments ARE helpful in solving your problem, you're just choosing to ignore them because they aren't what you want to hear. The posters here don't mean to be anything but helpful in the name of etiquette, but there's no sugar-coating for people like you who seem to think you deserve the world to bow for you on YOUR wedding day. Sorry, toots.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

I think the mix of who would be offended and who wouldn't be at the scaling down of the event is very interesting.

I would be bummed out because weddings are fun, but I wouldn't be offended unless I discovered that your intimate, private wedding was more than just immediate family and grandparents.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:
I think the mix of who would be offended and who wouldn't be at the scaling down of the event is very interesting.

I would be bummed out because weddings are fun, but I wouldn't be offended unless I discovered that your intimate, private wedding was more than just immediate family and grandparents.

I would be disappointed but definitely not offended.

mollyringwald15 · January 2014

I wouldn't be offended but I would side eye you big time for sending out STD's before you were sure of your plans. I realize things happen, but it sounds like you've just "changed your mind."

If I were you, I would cut the cost of the wedding as PP's have suggested and find a way to properly host everyone that you already invited.

With your special attitude I'm sure your wedding would be a joy to attend.

phira · January 2014

It's hard for me to say if I would be offended if I had gotten a save-the-date for a wedding, and then the couple decided to have a private wedding and I was no longer invited. Here are the following factors that would influence how I felt:

1) My relationship with the people getting married. If my cousin or my best friend decided to have an immediate-family-only wedding, I'd be very disappointed. If they decided to do that after sending out save-the-dates, I'd be SUPER upset. On the other hand, if I were a family friend or a not-too-close friend of the couple, I'd be less irritated.

2) How I was told about the change. I would feel MUCH more understanding if I got a phone call from a bride or groom saying, "So ... we've decided that we're feeling overwhelmed with such a big wedding and we're just going to do immediate family only. I hope that's okay and that you're not upset with us." I'd feel less understanding if I got a facebook message or found out second hand.

3) How close to the wedding the change was made. OP, here's the biggest reason that you might not want to switch to a private wedding at this point. Your wedding is in 5 months. Do you have out of town guests who may have made travel plans? Obviously, if you go through with the change in your plans, you need to do it NOW and not wait any longer. But it might already be a bit too late. I would be incredibly upset if I made travel plans that I had to cancel, and then I found out that the wedding wasn't canceled; just rescheduled to avoid having to actually uninvite people.

It really sounds like there's more to this than just wanting a tiny wedding. It's very hard to balance out your own needs and expectations for your wedding with the expectations of other people. My partner and I are finding it difficult to manage everyone's expectations, and we're having an easier go of it than a LOT of other people. TheKnot is a great place for advice on how to handle family pressure, and how to have a wedding that makes you happy without completely alienating and upsetting your guests.

Basically, the best attitude to have is, instead of thinking, "It's MY day," think, "It's MY event that I'm hosting." You can be a good host without caving on everything you care about.

tl;dr: There are a lot of factors that would influence whether or not I'd be upset if a wedding changed to be immediate family only. The biggest one is whether or not I made travel plans. Please think of the reasons WHY you're tempted to change your plans and share them with us; this is a great community and we will help you brainstorm ways to have a great wedding (for you!) if you don't go immediate family only.

(Also PS a vow renewal is not a wedding, and if you're not having your wedding for other people, you certainly shouldn't be having a vow renewal for them!)

RebeccaB88 · January 2014

The only way I might not have some level of offense at this is if you cancelled altogether and eloped. Meaning, no one is invited. Otherwise, you asked people to commit to something on a whim. I personally don't think that "I changed my mind" is a proper or adult reason to change your wedding this late in the game. You admit you let yourself get pressured into something you didn't want, but the time to stand up for yourself was then, not when everything is set and paid for. I think it's too late. I think you should suck it up and be an adult and follow through on your commitment. If you truly can't, then cancel and elope. But just be ready to deal with some people being really upset with you. And if people have bought plane tickets or other non refundable travel expenses, or wedding party attire, you need to reimburse them for it.

kns1988 · January 2014

"It is my wedding and my marriage"

"We have planned to renew our vows in 10-15 years and do a blow out wedding"

"the wedding is all about the bride and groom"

"I don't need a lecture on what I SHOULD have done"

"So if you could please leave comments that are helpful, I'd appreciate it."

"Please, helpful comments only."

There were so many things wrong with that statement... throw in a mention of cash bars and kicking bridesmaids out of the wedding party, and this would be a troll for sure.

CMGragain · January 2014

OP, I am late to this party, so I will simply address your original question.
First, you must send a card to everyone you invited with the message, "The wedding of Bride's Name and Groom's name will not take place as previously announced." You have just cancelled your original wedding.
Now you may plan a different wedding, ON A DIFFERENT DATE, and invite your immediate family as you wish. This is not "dis-inviting" people. You are cancelling your wedding and rescheduling it with different plans. Do not send out STDs for your new wedding plans.
Your personal feelings do not take precedence here. You must follow proper etiquette so as not to appear rude and offensive.
You only get one wedding. You do not get to have another one in 15 years.

firebabe6519 · January 2014

I would second @addiel73. You can do an intimate small ceremony and then properly host the guests and other invitees at a larger reception. I'm not too fond of the idea. I would personally see it as gift grabby but otherwise you need to cancel and reschedule your wedding.

MGP · January 2014

Seriously I am tired of this "intimate ceremony, big reception" concept. What is so private about a wedding? It's not like you are going to the bathroom with the door open. Or giving birth.

cruffino · January 2014

OP, I also come from a big Italian family. At some point into the planning I felt overwhelmed by family expectations and the amount of work necessary to pull off a big wedding.

I seriously considered eloping, or just having a tiny wedding with immediate family. But we had sent out save the dates, and were already financially committed.

So I took a deep breath, took some time off from wedding planning, and decided to embrace the process. It made all the difference in the world. After that I really started to enjoy the planning (although my FMIL pissed me off several times).

So take a breather before making any decisions. For me, I ultimately realized that I would regret not being surrounded by my family and friends when I got married. My FI felt the same. So next week we're having our big wedding!

Rebl90 · January 2014

Maggie0829 said:

scable12 said:

The only people that were originally invited to the wedding were extended family only, I have a very big Italian family with 5 aunts and uncles that have 5 children that have children as well. That's only on my mother's side. And when I say it is "my day" I mean just that. It is my wedding and my marriage. My parents support this decision and I was set on doing a big wedding but things change and plans change. We have planned to renew our vows in 10-15 years and do a blow out wedding. To me the big wedding wraps you up in making everyone else happy when in reality it is about my future husband and I starting our lives together. I was pressured into doing a big wedding by my fiance's mother and even a little bit by mine. It's hard not to upset everyone and make yourself happy. I'm not going to be miserable on my wedding day, that's not how it works.
I acknowledge the fact that people will be upset when they won't be there, as if the rolls were reversed I would be a little upset too, but I recognize that the wedding is all about the bride and groom and the joining of the two. I don't need a lecture on what I SHOULD have done, it's in the past. This is about the present and the future. So if you could please leave comments that are helpful, I'd appreciate it.

I'll still inform all of the guests and explain why we are choosing to do a private wedding instead. Please, helpful comments only.

Ugh. First it isn't your day it is you and your FI day so quit it with the my wedding crap. Also it stops just being your wedding when you involve others.

I don't get the whole "we are planning a big blow out wedding for our 10-15 year anniversary." First, you can't have a big blow out wedding because you would have already had one when you first wed. Second, you don't think you are going to get pressure from your family when you go to plan that big PPD down the road?

Look if you and your FI want to have a small wedding then go for it. But honestly scrap the whole 10-15 year anniversary PPD carp. Who even decides to do this before they are even married?

@Maggie0829 - Who other than special wittle snowflakes? DUH!

Jells2dot0 · January 2014

MGP said:

Seriously I am tired of this "intimate ceremony, big reception" concept. What is so private about a wedding? It's not like you are going to the bathroom with the door open. Or giving birth.

I know in my case, we wanted a super private wedding to have the focus only on each other and our commitment to one another. No stress, no drama, no distractions. However, we never involved anyone outside of the two of us in the first place. I do not get the concept of the "intimate ceremony, big reception", but I do get the concept of wanting an entirely private day.

To the OP: Almost every person who has responded has given the same advice. My advice is to notice the pattern of what everyone has recommended and heed their advice. It's good stuff.

edit: spelling

MGP · January 2014

Jells2dot0 said:

MGP said:

Seriously I am tired of this "intimate ceremony, big reception" concept. What is so private about a wedding? It's not like you are going to the bathroom with the door open. Or giving birth.

I know in my case, we wanted a super private wedding to have the focus only on each other and our commitment to one another. No stress, no drama, no distractions. However, we never involved anyone outside of the two of us in the first place. I do not get the concept of the "intimate ceremony, big reception", but I do get the concept of wanting an entirely private day.

To the OP: Almost every person who has responded has given the same advice. My advice is to notice the pattern of what everyone has recommended and heed their advice. It's good stuff.

edit: spelling

Totally and 100% agree with everything you said here. Completely private is fine. Small guest list is fine. Big guest list is fine. As long as they are all equally invited and hosted. The strange middle ground people try and propose is just odd to me. If I didn't want someone to watch me get married, why would they want to come celebrate with me?

JellyBean52513 · February 2014

TilaT25 said: I wouldn't be offended but I would side eye you big time for sending out STD's before you were sure of your plans. I realize things happen, but it sounds like you've just "changed your mind."If I were you, I would cut the cost of the wedding as PP's have suggested and find a way to properly host everyone that you already invited. With your special attitude I'm sure your wedding would be a joy to attend.

Can I just chime in and agree 100% with this? If you change your mind & go in a completely different direction with your wedding, OP, change your date and send announcements have PPs have suggested. It is beyond rude to ask people to Save The Date for something you may or may not invite them to attend.

How do I know how rude this is? Because my boss said to me just a week ago "well, I sent everyone a STD, now I just have to decide who I'm actually going to invite." I received one of these STDs. I assumed I was invited. How silly I feel to know I may have been wrong. That's not the way you want to make your loved ones feel when you end up still getting married on the date your STD announced, but they never got invited to enjoy the wedding they were looking forward to.

Had a big wedding planned but now want small, private wedding!

Re: Had a big wedding planned but now want small, private wedding!

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