"OMG can't you hold it in for 20 mins?"

cruffino · February 2014

Make sure you invite her to the baby shower. Include an insert with the invitation with detailed instructions on what to wear and what to buy.

hikebikebemerry · February 2014

I am in complete shock. WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO HOLD IN?!?! Does she think that you have one of those fake baby bumps that you can just take off?

DOES SHE EVEN KNOW HOW PREGNANCY WORKS?

I am so angry for you, but I am grateful that you found this out now- rather than having such an awful person ever be around your baby!!

To her:

monkeysip · February 2014

"Hold it in"? Lol, I don't think this woman understands pregnancy.

Sorry your friend was such a douche, but now you have one less horrible person in your life to worry about. You don't need that stress!

huskypuppy14 · February 2014

RebeccaB88 · February 2014

Because gestation always comes in second to a PPD. Doesn't everyone know that already?

HaileyDancingbear · February 2014

Go to her shower and give this to her as a gift:
http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-Candy-Sugarless-5-Pound/dp/B000EVQWKC

The reviews are worth a read if you have time because they're hilarious, but the sort version is that even a small handful of these Satan bears will put a person in the bathroom giving birth to the antichrist for hours on end. One reviewer said they actually had to throw out a toilet after he gave these to his family of four.

cruffino · February 2014

Make sure you invite her to the baby shower. Include an insert with the invitation with detailed instructions on what to wear and what to buy.

zitiqueen · February 2014

cruffino said:

Make sure you invite her to the baby shower. Include an insert with the invitation with detailed instructions on what to wear and what to buy.

And don't let her use the bathroom the entire time. Pay somebody to be there whose sole job is to block her from entering the bathroom. When she complains, say "OMG, can't you just hold it in?"

firebabe6519 · February 2014

HaileyDancingbear said:
Go to her shower and give this to her as a gift:
http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-Candy-Sugarless-5-Pound/dp/B000EVQWKC

The reviews are worth a read if you have time because they're hilarious, but the sort version is that even a small handful of these Satan bears will put a person in the bathroom giving birth to the antichrist for hours on end. One reviewer said they actually had to throw out a toilet after he gave these to his family of four.

Oh my God that was awesome! Best product review ever!

OP I totally second sending a pack of these with the spanks!

Vivandiere8 · February 2014

I would love to be a fly on the wall when she tells other people why she kicked you out of the wedding party. I'm trying to picture how one would even explain that with out sounding like a psycho jerk,

Bride: "Yeah, so I kicked Mary out of the wedding party because the bitch wouldn't hold her baby in for 20 minutes."

With posts like these I always hope the bridezilla is a member of the knot, and that she will stumble on the thread about her.

HaileyDancingbear · February 2014

@firebabe6519 when I came across it I was pretty much dying with laughter, I really want to put a bowl of them out somewhere and watch the chaos, but I can't think of a local group of people I hate enough. Maybe I'll just mail a bag as a donation to the Westboro Baptist Church. God hates irregularity.

Chipmunk415 · February 2014

cookie0803 said:

If she is like this over a dress can you imagine what she is going to be like throughout the rest of the process? Be happy you dodged that bullet.
I'm willing to bet she still invites me to one of her "bridal" showers.

Stuck in box.

Please, please, please order this girl a copy of the etiquette hell anti-bridezilla book. Send it anonymously to be opened at her bridal shower.

More importantly, congratulations!

BMoreBride6 · February 2014

I mean couldn't you just stop eating so much and stop gaining weight until her big day!!! Cuz that's what a REAL friend would do and that's TOTALLY how pregnancy works!!!

JustNicki · February 2014

She sounds insane. You're probably better off without her.

"Hold it in...." WTF

Jen4948 · February 2014

I wonder how she's going to feel when someone makes a totally stupid comment to her when she is pregnant.

lovesclimbing · February 2014

cookie0803 said:

I had mentioned in the PPD thread a while ago that I had agreed to be in two weddings this summer, one of which I found out was a PPD. Well, last night I had a talk with the "bride" about the BM dress she had selected. It was going to cost over $400 between the dress and insane alterations that would have to be done to fit me at 9 months pregnant. The seamstress had pretty much told me that it could work, but would still look silly.
I was kind of hoping she would do what my other friend is doing: allow me to wear a very similar dress with either an empire waist or maternity option. Nope! She instead responded with, "OMG, can't you just hold it in for 20 mins??" No. I can't. It's not air that is making me larger, it's a BABY. I was going to just drop out right then and there, but she went ahead and kicked me out.
Sorry, I know this wasn't a question, I'm just super annoyed right now and wanted to vent.

:O That was my response. My mouth literally dropped open.

And sadly, those gummy bears are currently unavailable.

WildMagelet · February 2014

lovesclimbing said:
:O That was my response. My mouth literally dropped open.

And sadly, those gummy bears are currently unavailable.

I find it hilarious that the web craze has caused them to now be out of stack.

Never fear, there's always ebay:

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Haribo-sugar-free-gummy-bears-1lb-bag-/121266449838

KPBM89 · February 2014

I was literally just crying from laughing so hard reading the reviews on those gummy bears. I know several people who need a bag or two..

PhoneCardLady · February 2014

This was the "WORST" Review from 2012:

This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)

Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.

PS: When I ordered these, the warnings and disclaimers and legalese were NOT posted. I'm not a moron. Also, not sure why so many people assume I'm a man. I am a woman. We poop too. Of course, our poop sparkles and smells like a walk in a meadow of wildflowers. Thanks for all the great comments. I've been enjoying reading them and so glad that the horror show I experienced from snacking on these has at least made some people smile.

wrigleyville · February 2014

It's Spanx, not spanks.

Carry on.

smilyaries · February 2014

Oh wow, if I were you, I would not go to your "friend's" wedding. What an selfish person she is. Are you sure a "woman" responded that to you??? Not even a man would say something like that. What a shame.

offthemarket915 · February 2014

Oh, to be able to relive that moment and reply, "hold in what, dumbass??"

SP29 · February 2014

Wow. I can't believe people like this actual exist.

You definitely dodged a bullet there. And Congratulations!

cookie0803 · March 2014

Sorry to bump an old thread (one that I started, no less), but had to share.

It happened! I received a bridal shower invitation today for this crazy lady. The host? None other than the bride (wife). The registry? Honeyfund. Pretty sure as far as the PPD is concerned, I'm still uninvited, though. Day. Made.

hikebikebemerry · March 2014

cookie0803 said:

Sorry to bump an old thread (one that I started, no less), but had to share.
It happened! I received a bridal shower invitation today for this crazy lady. The host? None other than the bride (wife). The registry? Honeyfund. Pretty sure as far as the PPD is concerned, I'm still uninvited, though. Day. Made.

You should send her a lump of coal.

I don't even understand having a shower if you're registered for a Honeyfund? Oh wait, I have heard of get togethers where the guest of honored is showered with cash and cash-equivalent items; oh wait. I'm thinking about strip clubs.

kitsunegari89 · March 2014

WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK!???

You didn't eat a mega-burrito, you've got a baby lodged in your uterus. Christ, what is wrong with people?

Sounds like you dodged a bullet, friendo!

http://img.pandawhale.com/post-34672-I-wont-take-this-bullshit-anym-MqFT.gif

Also, after the baby is born, you should have a huge PPD and re-enactment of the baby's birth. You know, because the actual birth is gross and doesn't feel like a real birth. She can pretend to be the midwife.

kitsunegari89 · March 2014

Congratulations on your baby! And for dodging a bullet!

I mean, really-"hold it in" ? A baby?????????????????????????????????????????????

"I tried, doctor, but it just slid out like a wet baby seal!"

cookie0803 · March 2014

@hikebikebemerry, she is actually registered at one store, also, but it's written in tiny letters on the very bottom of the back of the invitation. Honeyfund is in enormous letters and is clearly listed as the preferred registry.

I'm totally going to this shower. My excitement cannot be contained. I need to see her face when she opens the pregnant rooster made of coal that I'm having made for her.

ETA: I'm aware roosters can't be pregnant, for a number of reasons. This one, however, will be pregnant. Because the "bride" deserves it.

hikebikebemerry · March 2014

cookie0803 said:

@hikebikebemerry, she is actually registered at one store, also, but it's written in tiny letters on the very bottom of the back of the invitation. Honeyfund is in enormous letters and is clearly listed as the preferred registry.
I'm totally going to this shower. My excitement cannot be contained. I need to see her face when she opens the pregnant rooster made of coal that I'm having made for her. ETA: I'm aware roosters can't be pregnant, for a number of reasons. This one, however, will be pregnant. Because the "bride" deserves it.

Classypants.

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

cookie0803 said:

@hikebikebemerry, she is actually registered at one store, also, but it's written in tiny letters on the very bottom of the back of the invitation. Honeyfund is in enormous letters and is clearly listed as the preferred registry.
I'm totally going to this shower. My excitement cannot be contained. I need to see her face when she opens the pregnant rooster made of coal that I'm having made for her. ETA: I'm aware roosters can't be pregnant, for a number of reasons. This one, however, will be pregnant. Because the "bride" deserves it.

Her reaction:

"OMG can't you hold it in for 20 mins?"

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