Not Sure What to Do: Obnoxious Guest, Sent a Gift

ajordan627 · February 2014

All,

I am in a pickle. One of our guests (my uncle) acted like a total jerk at our wedding. He got drunk at the hotel bar prior to the wedding, where apparently he made the comment to another guest of, "Let's see if we can't f*%^ up this wedding before it's even started;" did not show up for the ceremony; acted like a total a-hole at the reception, including hitting on my husband's 15 year old niece and repeatedly hounding her to take shots; and when I saw him the next morning, told me that he had heard a member of the wedding party threw up at the ceremony (which didn't happen) and that our wedding was "a nice warm up" to his daughter's in the fall. When my mom confronted him about his behavior after his comments to me, he offered no apology, and instead deflected his behavior to stress and what a horrible person I am because I "respect my dad more than my mom" (FYI, I asked both of my parents to walk me down the aisle because I feel equally close to both of them).

I have previously been close to my uncle, and I am pretty shocked and hurt by his behavior. He (I'm sure his wife) sent us a gift, which was waiting for us when we returned from our short honeymoon, and I am absolutely torn about whether I should keep the gift and send him a sickly-sweet thank you note, or return it to him. Part of me feels like keeping it is in some way saying his behavior is/was ok, and the other part of me thinks that if I return it, it will just cause more drama. I've already deleted and blocked him from Facebook, and my husband has drawn a line in the sand that he doesn't want anything to do with him going forward, which I agree with until I receive a sincere apology (however, I don't expect to). We are also not going to his daughter's wedding, but will of course send her a gift. I just don't know what to do, and would appreciate any thoughts/feedback! Thank you!

Jen4948 · February 2014

I'd send a thank-you note that just graciously says "Thank you for your gift" but not discussing his crap. I think calling any attention to it would give it a dignity it doesn't deserve.

Then get on with your life without your uncle in it.

RebeccaB88 · February 2014

Returning the gift is stooping to his level. I would write an appropriate (not sarcastic or sticky sweet) and sincere thank you note, and then leave the situation alone. As you said, it's entirely possible his wife picked out and sent the gift (did she not attend the wedding, sounds like he was there alone) and therefore, his behavior is not her fault. If she wasn't there, she probably didn't know about it. What you do with Drunken Uncle is up to you, but I'd acknowledge the gift appropriately.

vanityink · February 2014

Sending it back will likely cause more drama. I’d just keep it and write a quick “Thank you for your gift” not and leave it at that. Nothing more than that and have no more contact with him if you don’t wish to.

ajordan627 · February 2014

My aunt was there; she just sat there and didn't say anything. She does not challenge him at all, because of what my family refers to as "The Golden Rule" - he who has the gold, makes the rules. I'm sure she did pick the gift out; again, I've just been on the fence with what to do. In the end, I will probably keep the gift and send a thank you note, because then I'll know I acted classy and he acted ass-y.

The big issue with him, which I should probably add, is I think he really got out of his comfort zone. He has very poor self esteem, and makes up for it by being obnoxious/the center of attention/life of the party. He and my mom were raised very poor, but have been highly successful as adults. He always says "I'm just white trash that happened to get rich." Right now, I feel like telling him, "Well, you know what you always say - you are just white trash that happened to get rich," but of course I won't. Anyway, he always tries to flash his money around and act like a big shot. We had everyone at the rehearsal dinner the night before, and he kept trying to get my husband, dad, FOL, etc to do shots, which they all refused. I think he knew people were not impressed by him, his money, or his behavior, so he tried to "make up" for it the day of the wedding by having a few thousand dollar bar tab and not showing up to the ceremony. His behavior really embarrassed my mom, which I'm pretty pissed about too. He made a lot of guests uncomfortable, and my dad, my husband, my FOL, and 2 other uncles all said had it not been our wedding, they would have socked him right in the mouth.

AddieCake · February 2014

Just send a polite thank you and be done with it. Don't cause more drama by sending the gift back.

sarahufl · February 2014

ditto PPs. Thank him and move on with your life. Sorry he did that, sounds terrible.

misshart00 · February 2014

I agree with PPs. Just send a thank you note and be done. And I'm sorry he ran up your bar bill by thousands of dollars just to show off.

phira · February 2014

I don't think previous posters are ignoring the details of your uncle's behavior, or misunderstanding how badly he's behaved.

Send a thank-you note that's short and polite (not sweet), then either keep the gift or trash it or return it for store credit--whatever.

Then, yeah, it sounds like it's time to spend as little time with him as possible. You don't have to pretend that you were okay with his behavior, and yes, sounds like declining an invitation to his daughter's wedding (and sending her a gift) is a good idea.

ajordan627 · February 2014

How does this sound:

Thank you for the [gift]. It was so thoughtful and generous of you, and I know we will get a lot of use out of it for years to come. Thank you again."

Think I should add/delete anything? I really don't want to put "We were so happy you were able to attend the wedding and hope you had a great time" in light of his behavior.

Jen4948 · February 2014

ajordan627 said:

How does this sound:

Thank you for the [gift]. It was so thoughtful and generous of you, and I know we will get a lot of use out of it for years to come. Thank you again."

Think I should add/delete anything? I really don't want to put "We were so happy you were able to attend the wedding and hope you had a great time" in light of his behavior.

I think what you have is fine.

OliveOilsMom · February 2014

ajordan627 said:

How does this sound:

Thank you for the [gift]. It was so thoughtful and generous of you, and I know we will get a lot of use out of it for years to come. Thank you again."

Think I should add/delete anything? I really don't want to put "We were so happy you were able to attend the wedding and hope you had a great time" in light of his behavior.

With his behavior at the wedding, I would remove the "thoughtful" portion. His actions at your wedding weren't thoughtful at all.

mbross3 · February 2014

I would also be tempted to send the gift back to make a point, but I think the best option is to resist that and heed the advice of PP. Your thank you sounds fine and, given the circumstances, gracious. Send it and then try to forget about him and his actions and just move on. Nobody will hold his behavior against you, it sounds like everyone knows that he is to blame for his actions and it does not reflect on you or your wedding.

wrigleyville · February 2014

Yup, be the bigger person and send a thank you note. Then you can wash your hands of it until he decides to apologize.

My thank you notes followed this format:

"Thank you for the gorgeous, silver candlesticks. They look fabulous on our dining room table. We're so glad you could make it to the wedding! Sincerely, B & G"

Basically, part A = what the gift was (along with a complimentary adjective), and part B = how we plan to use the gift.

If I was close to the person, I wrote a little more. You can drop the bit about "I'm so glad you could make it". I'd keep your note extremely generic.

Amyzen83 · February 2014

Here's how I would write it: Thank you for the [gift]. It was generous of you, and I know we will get a lot of use out of it for years to come." I cut out some stuff, I got rid of thoughtful because he was an ass at your wedding and didn't care how bad he made you feel, I also got rid of the thank you again, because he only deserves to be thanked for the gift.

cowgirl8238 · February 2014

I would just send him the thank you note and let it all go. If you don't want him in your life you don't have to have him. Be the bigger person here.

jmichlik · February 2014

I would echo the previous posts about sending a generic thank you note - I think the one you have drafted sounds fine. I also had an awkward situation with my thanks yous, although not even close to how awkward yours is. We invited DH's cousin and her husband to our wedding. They sent a gift to us which arrived shortly before the wedding, so I planned to write out a thank you right after the wedding with all the other thank yous. Weirdly enough, however, only cousin showed up to the wedding and husband was nowhere to be found. My MIL talked to cousin at one point during the wedding and apparently cousin said husband did not come because "he was being an a**." Initially I had planned to thank them for coming to my wedding in the note, but I realized there was no good way to do that since husband did not attend and I felt like I could not just thank cousin for attending. I wrote a generic sounding note like you did thanking them for the wine glasses they gave us and mentioning how much we would enjoy using them, then left it at that.

MrsMack10612 · February 2014

I think the one question I have - are you not going to his daughter's wedding because of his behavior or for other reasons? If you are not going to spite him and you'd really like to go, that doesn't seem fair to your cousin.

Amyzen83 · February 2014

I didn't get indication that she would skip her cousins wedding just because cousins dads a douche canoe I think she's planning on going but will have no part in her uncles life

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