Is an hour gap too long?

RebeccaB88 · February 2014

I am trying to work out a way to host a bit of a cocktail hour but since we are getting married at home and all the family will be with us at the photos, Im not sure how to swing it without just leaving people alone at our home with snacks before heading to the restaurant for dinner. If you ladies have a suggestion, I will gladly hear it!

Not sure about the casino where you are, but the ones here have multiple restaurants/bars/spaces. Could you host appetizers and drinks in one of those while you take pictures? Or, would the restaurant be willing to let your guests in a little early, if you're purchasing drinks and appetizers from them? There might be an extra fee, but I know a lot of places around here would be willing to do it. Alternatively, as a guest I would appreciate the option of a cocktail hour in your home. I wouldn't consider M&Ms to be appetizers, but cheese and fruit trays and mimosas or punch would suffice (and a bathroom), and you could hire someone to be in your home setting up during the wedding, watch things as people are there, and then clean up. (Friend's responsible daughter, college student, babysitter or housekeeper who wants to earn a little extra, etc).

lyndausvi · February 2014

tcnoble said: @lyndausvi I'm in the same kind if situation... FI and I will be attending an OOT wedding this summer in which I'm a BM and there's a 2.5 hour gap so I feel bad even making him come with me. Too bad the hosts don't consider these things. Yeah, I'm not close to DH's family. For no other reason than we've never lived around them. Plus his family is so small all of them are in the wedding. I'm fortunate that one of DH's friends is also invited to the wedding. Assuming he attends (which I don't know why he wouldn't), I'm sure I will end up with him. It's just going to be annoying.

LDay2014 · February 2014

RebeccaB88 said:

I am trying to work out a way to host a bit of a cocktail hour but since we are getting married at home and all the family will be with us at the photos, Im not sure how to swing it without just leaving people alone at our home with snacks before heading to the restaurant for dinner. If you ladies have a suggestion, I will gladly hear it!

Not sure about the casino where you are, but the ones here have multiple restaurants/bars/spaces. Could you host appetizers and drinks in one of those while you take pictures? Or, would the restaurant be willing to let your guests in a little early, if you're purchasing drinks and appetizers from them? There might be an extra fee, but I know a lot of places around here would be willing to do it. Alternatively, as a guest I would appreciate the option of a cocktail hour in your home. I wouldn't consider M&Ms to be appetizers, but cheese and fruit trays and mimosas or punch would suffice (and a bathroom), and you could hire someone to be in your home setting up during the wedding, watch things as people are there, and then clean up. (Friend's responsible daughter, college student, babysitter or housekeeper who wants to earn a little extra, etc).

M&M's is a store in canada at least that sells really nice prepared appetizers. I didn't mean the candy.

@acove2006 We are not going to be taking pics beforehand as we do not want to do first look (three people in our close family have MS - including my dad in a wheelchair, with alzheimers - so a one shot deal with photography is important)so as I mentioned to the other poster, I would be working on the logistics of the appetizers and punch at home before asking our guests to join us at the restaurant.

phira · February 2014

Proper etiquette >>> tradition.

@LDay2014 You can do a one-shot deal with family photography (during cocktail hour) and do wedding party pictures after a first look.

RebeccaB88 · February 2014

M&M's is a store in canada at least that sells really nice prepared appetizers. I didn't mean the candy.

Ahh, I didn't know that. That does make a difference. The only M&Ms I know of are the candy. So yeah, what you're discussing having at your home sounds really nice and appropriate.

fionahalliwell · February 2014

Where exactly are you doing these photos? I ask because I'm wondering if you could potentially do a cocktail hour there. Not that the house thing doesn't sound nice (it totally does), but I can't get a handle on this: you want your photos to be a one-shot deal, but you've got people sitting at your house while you take photos 20 minutes away? Wouldn't it be easier if you hosted them at your photo site?

I'm honestly not trying to be snarky. I'm just confused.

LDay2014 · February 2014

fionahalliwell said:

Where exactly are you doing these photos? I ask because I'm wondering if you could potentially do a cocktail hour there. Not that the house thing doesn't sound nice (it totally does), but I can't get a handle on this: you want your photos to be a one-shot deal, but you've got people sitting at your house while you take photos 20 minutes away? Wouldn't it be easier if you hosted them at your photo site?

I'm honestly not trying to be snarky. I'm just confused.

photographs are being done on a railway bridge...FI works for the railroad and while I know railroads are a bit trendy and kitschy right now, for us (and anyone who knows a railroader) it's a lifestyle and VERY important to us.

lyndausvi · February 2014

LDay2014 said:

fionahalliwell said:

Where exactly are you doing these photos? I ask because I'm wondering if you could potentially do a cocktail hour there. Not that the house thing doesn't sound nice (it totally does), but I can't get a handle on this: you want your photos to be a one-shot deal, but you've got people sitting at your house while you take photos 20 minutes away? Wouldn't it be easier if you hosted them at your photo site?

I'm honestly not trying to be snarky. I'm just confused.

photographs are being done on a railway bridge...FI works for the railroad and while I know railroads are a bit trendy and kitschy right now, for us (and anyone who knows a railroader) it's a lifestyle and VERY important to us.

I think the photos sound really awesome. I just don't understand why they can't be done before the ceremony in order to avoid a gap for your guests.

LDay2014 · February 2014

@lyndausvi FI is dead set against first look. There is no talking him out of it, and sometimes I let him win an argument when something is really important to him.

KatWAG · February 2014

LDay2014 said:

mobkaz said:

The obvious question is why can't you take these pictures before the ceremony?

You also said that all the family will be with you taking pictures. You are having a 24 person wedding. How many guests are actually left with nothing to do? With such an incredibly intimate wedding, I would think you could trust these guests at your home, even without benefit of a "chaperone". You can have a simple hospitality bar and snacks ready to greet them at your home. They can unwind a bit at your home before heading out to the restaurant.
@jen4948 The restaurant doesn't open until 5...hence the problem. And no, I didn't expect support, I never asked for it. But being berated by some is a little uncalled for...

@mobkaz My thoughts were to have some appetizers ready to be put out at the house once we were on our way to the photos...some nice stuff from M&M's and some punch. My only concern has been the logistics of getting it all back in since we won't be there...unless we swing by after taking pics to do it. I just don't want to be any later than necessary. Total number of 'unattended guests' would be 11-13 (if bridal party +1s come with us or not). We are in a small town, with a quaint downtown and our reception dinner is at the 5-star steakhouse of the casino 20 mins away. What are your thoughts?

Oh come on, @Lday2014. You arent new to this board you know how people respond. And no one berated you.

lyndausvi · February 2014

@lyndausvi FI is dead set against first look. There is no talking him out of it, and sometimes I let him win an argument when something is really important to him.

Then you got to do what you got to do. That also means you shouldn't judge others when they might choose to make a choice to not attend the ceremony so they can avoid a gap. Now you only have 24 people, so it's unlike that will happen in your case. Even I would more than likely attend both events, while still being annoyed at the gap. Not so close family or friend, I would definitely pick working so I didn't have to take a full day off over a gap.

I was simply stating actions have consequences. You don't want to have a first look, you must take pictures at "x" location far away causing a gap a consequence to your actions is someone might choose to skip one or both of the events. Such as life.

BTW - you can always do a post wedding shots on a different day. Would also give you more time so you will not be so rushed to get back for the reception.

Jen4948 · February 2014

LDay2014 said:

mobkaz said:

The obvious question is why can't you take these pictures before the ceremony?

You also said that all the family will be with you taking pictures. You are having a 24 person wedding. How many guests are actually left with nothing to do? With such an incredibly intimate wedding, I would think you could trust these guests at your home, even without benefit of a "chaperone". You can have a simple hospitality bar and snacks ready to greet them at your home. They can unwind a bit at your home before heading out to the restaurant.

@jen4948 The restaurant doesn't open until 5...hence the problem. And no, I didn't expect support, I never asked for it. But being berated by some is a little uncalled for...

Wow, I don't remember being in a "berating" mood when I pointed out that claiming that one is "knowingly breaking etiquette" on an etiquette board isn't going to go over well.

But it seems to me that moving up the time of your ceremony at home and then going to the restaurant would eliminate the gap.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

Is the ceremony at or near the reception location? The reason I'm asking is it isn't, you may be ok and here is my reasoning before I get attacked from everyone. Say the ceremony is 20 minutes away from the reception, ceremony is suppose to start at 5:00 and assuming it does start on time and it runs only 30 minutes, then you can do a receiving line which depending on how many people are there can take you 5-15 minutes which takes you to approx 5:45. Then you can take a few photos with the guests, say about 10 minutes for that, which would roughly get you to 6:00 PM. By time people get to their cars & get to the reception location it's approx 6:20 which would probably not be an issue.

Now on the other hand, if the ceremony & reception are at the same location, as a guest I would probably get bored at a DW watching photos being done (even I were in few group shots). You can alway do those shots first with guests, let them go to cocktail hour & then do the ones by yourselfs last while guests are at cocktail hour. If you can bump up your cocktail hour time to 5:45 or 6:00, I think it might be more enjoyable for your guests.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

STBMrsEverhart said:

Our ceremony starts at 5:00. Call it 5:30 by the time it ends just for argument's sake. We do not want our cocktail hour to start until 6:30 (A) because we want to actually BE at our cocktail hour and (B) we're having a pretty small DW and want everyone who comes in some of our pictures (that we'll be taking directly after the ceremony). It's being held at a resort that we can assume our guests will also be staying at so it's not like if they decline pictures there's not anything for them to do. Is an hour gap too long?

Yes. The point of cocktail hour is to give your guests something to eat and to do while you are taking pictures.

Start cocktail hour right after your ceremony. Either do a 1st look and take all of your pictures then so that you can join your guests right after your ceremony, or take your pictures right after the ceremony and miss cocktail hour.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

lyndausvi said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I will freely admit that I am breaking etiquette on this one.
We will be having the reception ceremony at 3pm, Reception at 5:00. 1.5hr gap

That being said, everyone lives close, and it's 20 minute drive to the reception anyway. It's also a whopping 24 guest wedding and I KNOW it's against etiquette but our photo place is 20 mins away too.

It's not ideal, but it's something I'm comfortable doing...unless you ladies have any other suggestions?
Move your ceremony time up and do your photos beforehand. What do you mean 'our photo place'? Are you going somewhere to stage photos inbetween? Then host a damn cocktail hour. I don't care if you're being rude to 24 gusts or 240 guests, you're still being rude. If you absolutely feel it necessary to have photos in some place that's 20 minutes away from your reception and ceremony sites, do those photos beforehand OR host a cocktail hour.

I would actually skip the ceremony, that is how much I despise gaps (other than your standard travel time).

On another note I think it's funny you are traveling 20 minutes away. You know that 20 minutes will be more like 30. Which is an hour you are to back track to the reception area. Leaving you 30 minutes to take pictures. That must be one hell of a location.

I was in a wedding where they just took the WP before the ceremony around Philly to take pictures. It took about 1-1.5. Glad they did that then after the ceremony.

I feel bad for your wedding party- they are going to be starving and thirsty by the time they get to the reception.

If you decide to travel to this special spot to take pictures, please have food and water available to your WP on your limo, trolley, shuttle, whatever mode of transportation you are using.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

lyndausvi said:

fionahalliwell said:

So here's my question: are there ever any circumstances where a gap is permitted? I know for a fact that I'm going to a wedding with a morning ceremony (and brunch) in a synagogue, followed by a black-tie dinner (which I am sure will be truly black tie!) and reception that evening. Everyone is invited to everything. I'm not rushing to indict the bride and groom on this one because a) it's in one of the most amazing cities in the world and I can totally use the downtime to sightsee and b) I'm definitely going to have to change from the synagogue to the dinner, since I'm not wearing black tie to a shul.

I mean, yeah, they could probably do the service and reception relatively back-to-back, but we do actually get two receptions this way and I can simultaneously dress respectfully for the ceremony and formally for the reception.

Or maybe I'm just excusing rudeness. Not sure...

Your example sounds like it's a whole day event anyway.

Personally I say no. I would bet the majority reason for having a gap is to have an evening reception. Yet there is such rule that one must have a evening wedding. It's a want and it's a wish. I have been to many, many day time weddings and there was just as much fun, food and dancing as any night wedding I've ever attended. So I don't buy into you have to have a night wedding to have a fun wedding.

That doesn't mean there are not social groups who find them "normal" if you will. My SIL's wedding will have a few hour gap. Apparently it's common for their social group. I'm less than thrilled. Breaks and gaps are buzz kill to me. Going home or back to freshen up always lowers my enthusiasm, not the other way around. I also hate, hate, waiting around. Some gaps are too long to just sit in the car and wait it out, but too short for you to really do anything. SIL's wedding is OOT for us and DH is in the wedding party. I honestly have no idea what I will be doing for those few hours.

The whole concept is just weird to me.

That just sucks. I also hate dicking around, wasting my time in dressy clothes, especially at OOT weddings. If I wanted to piss around in a hotel room for hours on end I could rent a room back home.

crunchymamaof2 · February 2014

lyndausvi said:
BTW - you can always do a post wedding shots on a different day. Would also give you more time so you will not be so rushed to get back for the reception.

now that is a great idea.

I have to say that I don't understand the need to have a specific location for wedding pictures. The railroad, or wherever, means a lot to you, I get that. But why does it have to be in your wedding pictures if it could inconvenience your guests? Why not take engagement pictures there? Or just professional pictures at anytime done there? Why do you have to be wearing a wedding dress and tux? (speaking in general, not solely directed towards you). Not being snarky, I just don't get it.

dramamonkey · February 2014

lyndausvi said:

BTW - you can always do a post wedding shots on a different day. Would also give you more time so you will not be so rushed to get back for the reception.

My friend and her DH did this a few weeks after her wedding. It was a special day for her and her husband to dress up again, do some hair and makeup, and get some cool couple-y shots done.

They made it a little more fun, too. He wore black jeans and boots, but with his wedding shirt, cowboy hat, and bolo tie. She went for a little more dramatic makeup and some layered necklaces (her hair was a totally different color, too!). They were also able to get some pics with their dog in them... It turned out awesome! (I think they used one of those photos for their Christmas card that year too).

WildMagelet · February 2014

dramamonkey said:

lyndausvi said:

BTW - you can always do a post wedding shots on a different day. Would also give you more time so you will not be so rushed to get back for the reception.

My friend and her DH did this a few weeks after her wedding. It was a special day for her and her husband to dress up again, do some hair and makeup, and get some cool couple-y shots done.

They made it a little more fun, too. He wore black jeans and boots, but with his wedding shirt, cowboy hat, and bolo tie. She went for a little more dramatic makeup and some layered necklaces (her hair was a totally different color, too!). They were also able to get some pics with their dog in them... It turned out awesome! (I think they used one of those photos for their Christmas card that year too).

That's sort of awesome. I was going to definitely try and budget for bridals (at bare minimum a TTD), but I'm digging the idea of this too. I wonder if FI would go for it

mrs4everhart · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

Our ceremony starts at 5:00. Call it 5:30 by the time it ends just for argument's sake. We do not want our cocktail hour to start until 6:30 (A) because we want to actually BE at our cocktail hour and (B) we're having a pretty small DW and want everyone who comes in some of our pictures (that we'll be taking directly after the ceremony). It's being held at a resort that we can assume our guests will also be staying at so it's not like if they decline pictures there's not anything for them to do. Is an hour gap too long?

Yes. The point of cocktail hour is to give your guests something to eat and to do while you are taking pictures.

Start cocktail hour right after your ceremony. Either do a 1st look and take all of your pictures then so that you can join your guests right after your ceremony, or take your pictures right after the ceremony and miss cocktail hour.

I don't expect anyone to read all the comments all the way through, but we did make a decision on this timing situation. Since we want our guests in many the pics, we'll be figuring out some NA bevs to serve on the beach while this is taking place and starting the cocktail hour in the reception area a half hour after the ceremony ends. This way there's time for pics with our peeps and then we'll do ours alone when they've headed out. We should be able to catch the second half of the cocktail hour and everything should work out perfectly.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

Yeah I usually comment as I read through a thread.

You have a good plan!

BMoreBride6 · February 2014

acove2006 said:

lyndausvi said:
BTW - you can always do a post wedding shots on a different day. Would also give you more time so you will not be so rushed to get back for the reception.

now that is a great idea.

I have to say that I don't understand the need to have a specific location for wedding pictures. The railroad, or wherever, means a lot to you, I get that. But why does it have to be in your wedding pictures if it could inconvenience your guests? Why not take engagement pictures there? Or just professional pictures at anytime done there? Why do you have to be wearing a wedding dress and tux? (speaking in general, not solely directed towards you). Not being snarky, I just don't get it.

I agree with this...because you didn't actually get married there. Why do you need to be in your wedding attire?

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

BMoreBride6 said:

acove2006 said:

lyndausvi said:
BTW - you can always do a post wedding shots on a different day. Would also give you more time so you will not be so rushed to get back for the reception.

now that is a great idea.

I have to say that I don't understand the need to have a specific location for wedding pictures. The railroad, or wherever, means a lot to you, I get that. But why does it have to be in your wedding pictures if it could inconvenience your guests? Why not take engagement pictures there? Or just professional pictures at anytime done there? Why do you have to be wearing a wedding dress and tux? (speaking in general, not solely directed towards you). Not being snarky, I just don't get it.

I agree with this...because you didn't actually get married there. Why do you need to be in your wedding attire?

I actually had a nightmare last night about doing some wonky off site wedding day shoot and getting rust all over my dress and ruining it before my reception.

fionahalliwell · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

lyndausvi said:

fionahalliwell said:

So here's my question: are there ever any circumstances where a gap is permitted? I know for a fact that I'm going to a wedding with a morning ceremony (and brunch) in a synagogue, followed by a black-tie dinner (which I am sure will be truly black tie!) and reception that evening. Everyone is invited to everything. I'm not rushing to indict the bride and groom on this one because a) it's in one of the most amazing cities in the world and I can totally use the downtime to sightsee and b) I'm definitely going to have to change from the synagogue to the dinner, since I'm not wearing black tie to a shul.

I mean, yeah, they could probably do the service and reception relatively back-to-back, but we do actually get two receptions this way and I can simultaneously dress respectfully for the ceremony and formally for the reception.

Or maybe I'm just excusing rudeness. Not sure...

Your example sounds like it's a whole day event anyway.

Personally I say no. I would bet the majority reason for having a gap is to have an evening reception. Yet there is such rule that one must have a evening wedding. It's a want and it's a wish. I have been to many, many day time weddings and there was just as much fun, food and dancing as any night wedding I've ever attended. So I don't buy into you have to have a night wedding to have a fun wedding.

That doesn't mean there are not social groups who find them "normal" if you will. My SIL's wedding will have a few hour gap. Apparently it's common for their social group. I'm less than thrilled. Breaks and gaps are buzz kill to me. Going home or back to freshen up always lowers my enthusiasm, not the other way around. I also hate, hate, waiting around. Some gaps are too long to just sit in the car and wait it out, but too short for you to really do anything. SIL's wedding is OOT for us and DH is in the wedding party. I honestly have no idea what I will be doing for those few hours.

The whole concept is just weird to me.

That just sucks. I also hate dicking around, wasting my time in dressy clothes, especially at OOT weddings. If I wanted to piss around in a hotel room for hours on end I could rent a room back home.

Generally, I agree. Mine's nine time zones away and I won't have a ton of time there, so I don't mind using the time to see whatever I can, but if I were at home, I don't think I'd have the same reaction.

FWIW, I did do this a lot during bar and bat mitzvah season. Now that I think about it, I often skipped the ceremonies.

phira · February 2014

There were a lot of B'nai Mitzvah parties that were after gaps. I think that one major difference with those parties is that the ceremony is always on a Saturday morning, invariably. Wedding ceremony start times are either up to the couple, a time-slot provided by the single venue followed by a meal (lunch or dinner), or up to any individual church. Things get stickier with some church ceremonies, like if you're doing a full Catholic Mass, but from what I've seen all over the boards, it's variable.

The B'nai Mitzvah gaps were usually pretty big. My siblings and I had our morning ceremonies, followed by the oneg (not cocktail hour but basically post-service cookies and coffee at our temple), and then everyone could make their way to our house (about 30 minutes away) and the party was pretty open, with late lunch/early dinner and then dessert served. Most of the kids changed in the house (which was good; my brother's party had a Super-soaker fight, and we played touch football at mine).

The ones I went to with huge gaps were morning ceremonies at the temple, then dinner parties at some other location maybe 5 hours later. Most of us went home, relaxed, ate lunch, changed, and then were driven to the party.

Just some thoughts. I do know that gaps still suck (these parties have so many kids whose parents have to drive them to and from the ceremony and THEN to and from the party), but I hadn't thought about it before as an adult.

antoto · February 2014

OP, I know you said your FI is against first looks, but maybe showing him some of the first look photos will make him see it differently. My FI and I are planning on doing first looks, for tons of reasons - I want lots of pictures but don't want to keep my guests waiting, I think it will help me with nerves walking down the aisle, and it is SO MUCH more intimate to see each other without 100 sets of eyes staring at you.

To each his own, especially on this day, but show him examples of first look photos and maybe he will see how cool they are!!

fionahalliwell · February 2014

phira said:

There were a lot of B'nai Mitzvah parties that were after gaps. I think that one major difference with those parties is that the ceremony is always on a Saturday morning, invariably. Wedding ceremony start times are either up to the couple, a time-slot provided by the single venue followed by a meal (lunch or dinner), or up to any individual church. Things get stickier with some church ceremonies, like if you're doing a full Catholic Mass, but from what I've seen all over the boards, it's variable.

The B'nai Mitzvah gaps were usually pretty big. My siblings and I had our morning ceremonies, followed by the oneg (not cocktail hour but basically post-service cookies and coffee at our temple), and then everyone could make their way to our house (about 30 minutes away) and the party was pretty open, with late lunch/early dinner and then dessert served. Most of the kids changed in the house (which was good; my brother's party had a Super-soaker fight, and we played touch football at mine).

The ones I went to with huge gaps were morning ceremonies at the temple, then dinner parties at some other location maybe 5 hours later. Most of us went home, relaxed, ate lunch, changed, and then were driven to the party.

Just some thoughts. I do know that gaps still suck (these parties have so many kids whose parents have to drive them to and from the ceremony and THEN to and from the party), but I hadn't thought about it before as an adult.

Lol, I was totally thinking about bar and bat mitzvah season!

KittyKaty20 · February 2014

@acove2006 We are not going to be taking pics beforehand as we do not want to do first look (three people in our close family have MS - including my dad in a wheelchair, with alzheimers - so a one shot deal with photography is important)so as I mentioned to the other poster, I would be working on the logistics of the appetizers and punch at home before asking our guests to join us at the restaurant.

I am completely lost as to why your relatives' health is impacting your photography? It's just you and FI for first look. Even if you and FI skip that, then it's BP together, or you and your family, FI and his family...and isn't there a better chance of getting the pictures you want earlier in the day, before your relatives have watched your ceremony and have to wait to eat so you can do photos?

Do you have a super-limited photography package? If the photographer is doing shots of you and BP getting ready, you can and should at minimum do pictures with them before the ceremony.

KittyKaty20 · February 2014

Above post is for @LDay2014

MrsMarende · February 2014

OP - I experienced my first Gap at a wedding a few years ago. The ceremony was one place and the reception another. After the ceremony we drove to the reception site, to find nothing open. We were then told that it doesn't start for another hour.

I was starving since I was expecting to eat a certain time. We were so confused and bored we drove to a yard house and ordered some drinks and appetizers. The bar was packed with Football fans and we ended up being late for the reception because it took an unusual amount of time to check everyone out on separate tabs and drive back.

It seems we were not the only ones because 2 other groups showed up after us during the WP announcements.

Honestly it felt really uncomfortable for me and it kind of ruined the magic of the evening. I really hope you rethink having a gap.

I would move everything later so the restaurant will be open by the time you are finished with your ceremony. Guests can head there directly after the ceremony for some drinks and light apps.

I would also worry if you have a gap that you may not make it back on time and the gap will grow!

Is an hour gap too long?

Re: Is an hour gap too long?

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