Engagement party with no date set?

Alh728 · January 2014

Hey all... Wondering what the etiquette is on engagement parties as far as having a wedding date. We plan on fall of 2015 but have no set date yet... It's almost time to start planning for an engagement party but am I to wait until I've picked a date? No right? It's an engagement party.... Not a bridal shower.... Hmm

KeptInStitches · January 2014

You don't have to, but I would make sure that you only invite VIPs, like family and close friends, who you know will be invited to the wedding. Everyone invited to the engagement party must be invited to the wedding.

manateehugger · January 2014

Wait, are you hosting your own engagement party? That's a faux pas technically, since you should not be hosting a party to celebrate yourself and receive gifts.

climbingsingle · January 2014

You really shouldn't be hosting your own engagement party.

rocklibsta24 · January 2014

Just like you, we are waiting until 2015 to get married. While the date may be quite a while away our parents were very excited to have an engagement party so we decided to have one last month. Honestly, this party is to celebrate your engagement so it's probably better to have it within the first few months of your engagement. Also, we did not have our date finalized at the time of our party, but had a time frame in mind since many people did ask about the date!

JCbride2015 · January 2014

You don't have to have a date set. We knew the season but not the actual day at our e-party. And yeah, it's a faux pas to host your own, not that we know whether you are or not.

TiaTea · January 2014

An engagement party is an announcement party.

When parents arranged their kids' marriage, they ( the parents) held the engagement party . For example, Dad had just arranged for you to marry the third son of Marquis de Carabas . Dad organizes a pary and announces to everybody ( including you) the "good news". You even get to meet the marquis himself and his son!
History!

Later , they still arange , but you alredy know, and maybe have been asked. Then Mom and Dad put the news in the newspaper and have the party on the day, or the day after. Immediate family and close friend are invited and the inlaws get to meet ( per Emily Post )
Presents are not given ( per Miss Manners and Emily Post)

If you and FI decided for yousef to get engaged , you are the ones who should make the announcement, meaning you should organize the party and inform your close family and friends. If they already know, just let them meet each other.

It's not a matter of ettiquette , It's a matter of tradition. If you don't expect the bride's parents to pay for the wedding, or the bride to bring dowry, or your engagement is not negotiated between your parents, you should not expect them to take care of throwing a party to announce your engagement

KatWAG · January 2014

TiaTea said:

An engagement party is an announcement party.

When parents arranged their kids' marriage, they ( the parents) held the engagement party . For example, Dad had just arranged for you to marry the third son of Marquis de Carabas . Dad organizes a pary and announces to everybody ( including you) the "good news". You even get to meet the marquis himself and his son!
History!

Later , they still arange , but you alredy know, and maybe have been asked. Then Mom and Dad put the news in the newspaper and have the party on the day, or the day after. Immediate family and close friend are invited and the inlaws get to meet ( per Emily Post )
Presents are not given ( per Miss Manners and Emily Post)

If you and FI decided for yousef to get engaged , you are the ones who should make the announcement, meaning you should organize the party and inform your close family and friends. If they already know, just let them meet each other.

It's not a matter of ettiquette , It's a matter of tradition. If you don't expect the bride's parents to pay for the wedding, or the bride to bring dowry, or your engagement is not negotiated between your parents, you should not expect them to take care of throwing a party to announce your engagement

@tiatea didnt we already explain to you why this is bad advice over on the reception board?

TiaTea · January 2014

@KatWAG
"didnt we already explain to you why this is bad advice over on the reception board?

And I gave you proof that you are wrong. I can quote you at least 3 etiquette experts in support of what I am saying.
What's your proof for your statement?

Edit:Spelling , and more spelling ...

KatWAG · January 2014

TiaTea said:

@KatWAG
"didnt we already explain to you why this is bad advice over on the reception board?

And I gave you proof that you are wrong. I can quote you at least 3 ettiquette experts in support of what I am saying.
What's your proof for your statement?

Hmm, that's a toughie. I am going to go with basic manners and common sense.

TiaTea · January 2014

@KatWAG
And I'd go with the researchers and then etiquette experts.
Researchers in fields such as history, antropoloy, sociology etc, tell us what has been done .
The etiquette experts compile it and give us advice on what is polite , what is, or might be perceived as rude ,and if there is some etiquette rule. ( I am talking of experts such as Miss Manners, for example)
That's why I said that from the renowned etiqette experts , only E. Post said that trowing your own E-party is against the etiquette. Actually she doesn't even directly say that. It's just so out of the question in her time. But the reason for it is that what she wrote is from the beginnign of the last century. Parents were the active figures. Bride was almost voiceless. It's very interesting reading, BTW

After that, people just concentrated on should or shouldn't you bring presents ( The answer is No) And the advice to the couple is do not expect presents, not do not trow your own engagement party.
Also the issue of "to honor oneself" keeps coming up. That's another mistake. Engagement party never , even in E. Post's time, was held to honor anybody. Why this honor thing keeps poping up, I don't know.

Anyway, follow the engagement etiquette link from here, for example. ( #4)
http://www.elegantwoman.org/miss-manners-column.html

And as far as basic manners and common sense:
Basic manners require you to take care of all the expenses around your engagement and wedding. In old times Mom and Dad had to pay. Now it's you. An e- party, is an expense: food drinks entertainment, therefore you are responsible.
Common sense: If you are are making the decision to get engaged , not your mom and dad, you are to announce it to your family and friends ,not your mom and dad.

PolarBearFitz · January 2014

TiaTea said:

@KatWAG
And I'd go with the researchers and then etiquette experts.
Researchers in fields such as history, antropoloy, sociology etc, tell us what has been done .
The etiquette experts compile it and give us advice on what is polite , what is, or might be perceived as rude ,and if there is some etiquette rule. ( I am talking of experts such as Miss Manners, for example)
That's why I said that from the renowned etiqette experts , only E. Post said that trowing your own E-party is against the etiquette. Actually she doesn't even directly say that. It's just so out of the question in her time. But the reason for it is that what she wrote is from the beginnign of the last century. Parents were the active figures. Bride was almost voiceless. It's very interesting reading, BTW

After that, people just concentrated on should or shouldn't you bring presents ( The answer is No) And the advice to the couple is do not expect presents, not do not trow your own engagement party.
Also the issue of "to honor oneself" keeps coming up. That's another mistake. Engagement party never , even in E. Post's time, was held to honor anybody. Why this honor thing keeps poping up, I don't know.

Anyway, follow the engagement etiquette link from here, for example. ( #4)
http://www.elegantwoman.org/miss-manners-column.html

And as far as basic manners and common sense:
Basic manners require you to take care of all the expenses around your engagement and wedding. In old times Mom and Dad had to pay. Now it's you. An e- party, is an expense: food drinks entertainment, therefore you are responsible.
Common sense: If you are are making the decision to get engaged , not your mom and dad, you are to announce it to your family and friends ,not your mom and dad.

@tiatea Your advice is not accurate at all. Please stop telling people the wrong things to do.

OP please do not throw your own engagement party it is really poor ettiquette as PPs have said.

birdie0522 · January 2014

Alh728 Congrats! I just recently got engaged as well. I'm brand new to the Knot and all things wedding in general! I've been looking up all the questions on "when/where/who" when it comes to engagement parties as well, and decided, frankly - screw it! My fiance and I just bought a house this year that a lot of our friends and family haven't seen or been to yet, so we figured throw a party that they can come and see the house as well as celebrate our engagement. I specifically wrote on the invitations "your presence is our present!" in hopes that no one will bring gifts or at least feel obligated to bring gifts (I was even questioning writing that), but to me, it's just a celebration and a chance for our friends and family to meet, have a good time, and see the new house. My advice - don't think too much into it. If you're having an engagement party to get gifts, then yes, that is tacky. But if you just want to celebrate with family and friends, I say GO FOR IT!

birdie0522 · January 2014

I should mention that neither of our families are in a place to throw an engagement party for us... Both of my parents were recently laid off (and separated), and he just lost his father a few months ago. His parents were divorced many years ago. I've heard the bridal party sometimes throws the engagement party, but we're so newly engaged we haven't asked our BP to be apart of our wedding day yet and am actually planning on doing it at our engagement party! I understand the etiquette aspect and will be completely honest in saying that I feel a little strange hosting the party ourselves... of course I wish our situation was different! But, it's not so be it! Let's have some fun!

MobKaz · January 2014

birdie0522 said:

Alh728 Congrats! I just recently got engaged as well. I'm brand new to the Knot and all things wedding in general! I've been looking up all the questions on "when/where/who" when it comes to engagement parties as well, and decided, frankly - screw it! My fiance and I just bought a house this year that a lot of our friends and family haven't seen or been to yet, so we figured throw a party that they can come and see the house as well as celebrate our engagement. I specifically wrote on the invitations "your presence is our present!" in hopes that no one will bring gifts or at least feel obligated to bring gifts (I was even questioning writing that), but to me, it's just a celebration and a chance for our friends and family to meet, have a good time, and see the new house. My advice - don't think too much into it. If you're having an engagement party to get gifts, then yes, that is tacky. But if you just want to celebrate with family and friends, I say GO FOR IT!

I should mention that neither of our families are in a place to throw an engagement party for us... Both of my parents were recently laid off (and separated), and he just lost his father a few months ago. His parents were divorced many years ago. I've heard the bridal party sometimes throws the engagement party, but we're so newly engaged we haven't asked our BP to be apart of our wedding day yet and am actually planning on doing it at our engagement party! I understand the etiquette aspect and will be completely honest in saying that I feel a little strange hosting the party ourselves... of course I wish our situation was different! But, it's not so be it! Let's have some fun!

You should stick with your instincts, because they are more accurate. Nothing about gifts, including saying "no gifts" is impolite. You are feeling strange about hosting an engagement party because it is also impolite.

If you are new to weddings as well as The Knot, you should lurk a bit before posting questions. You should lurk a lot before offering advice that is not appropriate or polite.

Have a house warming party. Don't turn it into an engagement party. Not every bride to be will get an engagement party. If no one offers to host on your behalf, just skip it. Your wedding will go on regardless. Also bear in mind that for anyone invited to this party, you would be obliged to invite them to the wedding. Engagement party guests should be limited to the closest of friends and immediate family. I would also suggest you reconsider asking people to be in your wedding party in a group setting. You may hurt someone's feelings that you don't ask, or make someone you do ask feel obliged or uncomfortable in their reaction.

banana468 · January 2014

PolarBearFitz said:

TiaTea said:

@KatWAG
And I'd go with the researchers and then etiquette experts.
Researchers in fields such as history, antropoloy, sociology etc, tell us what has been done .
The etiquette experts compile it and give us advice on what is polite , what is, or might be perceived as rude ,and if there is some etiquette rule. ( I am talking of experts such as Miss Manners, for example)
That's why I said that from the renowned etiqette experts , only E. Post said that trowing your own E-party is against the etiquette. Actually she doesn't even directly say that. It's just so out of the question in her time. But the reason for it is that what she wrote is from the beginnign of the last century. Parents were the active figures. Bride was almost voiceless. It's very interesting reading, BTW

After that, people just concentrated on should or shouldn't you bring presents ( The answer is No) And the advice to the couple is do not expect presents, not do not trow your own engagement party.
Also the issue of "to honor oneself" keeps coming up. That's another mistake. Engagement party never , even in E. Post's time, was held to honor anybody. Why this honor thing keeps poping up, I don't know.

Anyway, follow the engagement etiquette link from here, for example. ( #4)
http://www.elegantwoman.org/miss-manners-column.html

And as far as basic manners and common sense:
Basic manners require you to take care of all the expenses around your engagement and wedding. In old times Mom and Dad had to pay. Now it's you. An e- party, is an expense: food drinks entertainment, therefore you are responsible.
Common sense: If you are are making the decision to get engaged , not your mom and dad, you are to announce it to your family and friends ,not your mom and dad.

@tiatea Your advice is not accurate at all. Please stop telling people the wrong things to do.

OP please do not throw your own engagement party it is really poor ettiquette as PPs have said.

Not only is it terrible advice, but it doesn't reference the real Miss Manners.

beachbabe7885 · January 2014

http://wedding.theknot.com/getting-engaged/engaged/articles/engagement-parties-411.aspx

birdie0522 · January 2014

Everyone who's invited is also invited to the wedding. My closest friends will be coming early to help setup (their offering) and they are the ones I am asking, BEFORE the party, not in front of people, so it will not be in a group setting. I was giving my own opinion not fact-based advice, but thanks for the tip.

And really, what is the difference between a house-warming party (where everyone brings gifts and your asking them to COME SEE MY FANCY NEW HOUSE THAT COST LOTS OF MONEY) and an engagement party? I don't see one.

Where I'm from people throw Jack and Jill's, a pre-wedding party that COSTS money ($20-$25) for the guest. That covers your food and usually beer or wine for the night. Then there's raffles where you pay EXTRA money for tickets to win prizes like tv's, grills, etc. The point of the party is basically to raise money for the wedding and a lot of people who go aren't invited to the wedding. We are choosing not to do this even though around here it is the norm. Knowing that, I feel a lot better about having a small get together at my new house with family and friends to celebrate a happy occasion...

plentyofus · February 2014

OP.....if you want to throw your own E-party go ahead....WE ARE DOING IT !!!! If you care about etiquette then listen to the so-called experts (more like people who are so stuck on the rules). Its 2014...its your wedding!

plentyofus · February 2014

TiaTea said:

An engagement party is an announcement party.

When parents arranged their kids' marriage, they ( the parents) held the engagement party . For example, Dad had just arranged for you to marry the third son of Marquis de Carabas . Dad organizes a pary and announces to everybody ( including you) the "good news". You even get to meet the marquis himself and his son!
History!

Later , they still arange , but you alredy know, and maybe have been asked. Then Mom and Dad put the news in the newspaper and have the party on the day, or the day after. Immediate family and close friend are invited and the inlaws get to meet ( per Emily Post )
Presents are not given ( per Miss Manners and Emily Post)

If you and FI decided for yousef to get engaged , you are the ones who should make the announcement, meaning you should organize the party and inform your close family and friends. If they already know, just let them meet each other.

It's not a matter of ettiquette , It's a matter of tradition. If you don't expect the bride's parents to pay for the wedding, or the bride to bring dowry, or your engagement is not negotiated between your parents, you should not expect them to take care of throwing a party to announce your engagement

thank you!!!

Alh728 · February 2014

plentyofus said:

TiaTea said:

An engagement party is an announcement party.

When parents arranged their kids' marriage, they ( the parents) held the engagement party . For example, Dad had just arranged for you to marry the third son of Marquis de Carabas . Dad organizes a pary and announces to everybody ( including you) the "good news". You even get to meet the marquis himself and his son!
History!

Later , they still arange , but you alredy know, and maybe have been asked. Then Mom and Dad put the news in the newspaper and have the party on the day, or the day after. Immediate family and close friend are invited and the inlaws get to meet ( per Emily Post )
Presents are not given ( per Miss Manners and Emily Post)

If you and FI decided for yousef to get engaged , you are the ones who should make the announcement, meaning you should organize the party and inform your close family and friends. If they already know, just let them meet each other.

It's not a matter of ettiquette , It's a matter of tradition. If you don't expect the bride's parents to pay for the wedding, or the bride to bring dowry, or your engagement is not negotiated between your parents, you should not expect them to take care of throwing a party to announce your engagement
thank you!!!

I don't remember seeing this post and i Know some of the regulars on TK probably wouldn't agree but i think this advice is COMPLETELY logical! We're all but set on hosting our own "engagement party" (whatever the hell you feel like calling it) but just for cocktails/Hors d'oeuvre with family and close friends as a "meet and greet" kinda deal and suggest that gifts aren't necessary so we don't give off that tacky vibe. More for our families to meet and celebrate that THANK GOD he finally popped the question. LOL!!!

Engagement party with no date set?

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