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Wedding Etiquette Forum

How to not offend my FMIL... *Updated with photos!*

antotoantoto member
500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
edited February 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hello!

This isn't a huge deal (I hope?), but I want to hear some advice on the subject - sort of a what would you do?

My FI and his parents moved here from China about a decade ago and are still very into many of the Chinese customs.  We decided not to do a tea ceremony, but I will be changing into a qipao (traditional Chinese dress, also called cheongsam) during the reception.  My FMIL is really excited about me wearing a qipao and surprised me at my bridal shower with a GORGEOUS set of pearl earrings, necklace, and bracelet.  She told me that many Chinese brides wear pearls with their qipao and definitely heavily hinted that I should do so with the pearls she gave me.  

So here's my problem:  The cut of my qipao is not the most traditional kind and would NOT look good with ANY necklace.  I had been planning to only wear earrings and a bracelet.  I can certainly wear the pearl earrings and bracelet, although I had other jewelry planned, but I just don't see the necklace happening.  I'm really nervous about this and desperately do not want to disappoint her. 

Maybe I could wear the pearls to the rehearsal?

She also bought me a diamond necklace that I will wear with my white dress, although again I had not been planning to wear a necklace with that dress either.

So what would YOU do?
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Re: How to not offend my FMIL... *Updated with photos!*

  • I think the rehearsal dinner is a good compromise. That  is what I did, my Grandmother was insistant that I wear "the family pearls." But it would have it would have looked weird with my wedding dress. So I wore them to the RD and made sure to get a picture with her while I was wearing them.

    What does your fi say? How does he think his mom will react?

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  • KatWAG said:

    I think the rehearsal dinner is a good compromise. That  is what I did, my Grandmother was insistant that I wear "the family pearls." But it would have it would have looked weird with my wedding dress. So I wore them to the RD and made sure to get a picture with her while I was wearing them.

    What does your fi say? How does he think his mom will react?

    My FI is significantly less concerned about his mother's feelings than I am (also, he's a typically guy and just doesn't get how jewelry can mean anything at all), so he's pretty much just like "who cares, don't wear it."  lol
    image
  • I think your idea to wear the necklace to the RD is a good one. As PP said, just let her know that you really appreciate the gift, but the cut of your dress doesn't allow for a necklace.

    Depending on the length of the necklace, you could twist it into a double-loop bracelet and wear it that way, too.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    eyeroll
  • ditto PPs- wear them where you can. What about engagement photos?
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  • @Inkdancer  It's too short to do that, but that would have been awesome!

    @sarahufl  I've already had those done - wedding is in 26 days!  Eep!
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  • I really like the idea of wearing the necklace to the rehearsal dinner and the earrings and bracelet with the qipao. That way, she gets to see you in the gift twice!
  • I want to see a pic of this qipao!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • antoto said:
    I want to see a pic of this qipao!
    I'm going in for my final fitting for it tomorrow!  I can post pics along with the necklace if you'd like!
    Yes please!  I want to see your wedding dress as well.

    Are you sure you don't want to do the tea ceremony? ;-)  Sorry, I just think they are lovely.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • How traditional is your FMIL?  Just a little insight, my DH and I are both Chinese American (3rd generation)...I was given jewelry during our tea ceremony (I know you're not having a tea ceremony) but the jewelry is a symbol of the marriage of prosperity, etc....it's supposed to be worn on your wedding day...so I hate to be against everyone, but if your FMIL is UBER traditional, then you should wear it (even if it doesn't look that flattering)....If she's not...then you could probably get away with wearing it on your RD.
  • antotoantoto member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited February 2014
    How traditional is your FMIL?  Just a little insight, my DH and I are both Chinese American (3rd generation)...I was given jewelry during our tea ceremony (I know you're not having a tea ceremony) but the jewelry is a symbol of the marriage of prosperity, etc....it's supposed to be worn on your wedding day...so I hate to be against everyone, but if your FMIL is UBER traditional, then you should wear it (even if it doesn't look that flattering)....If she's not...then you could probably get away with wearing it on your RD.
    To be honest I have no idea what the extend of her traditionalism is.  She lives in a different state and I have only spent a small amount of time with her - she doesn't speak very much English and I speak very little Mandarin. 

     I mean she knows my qipao isn't red (I have red hair.  I tried on a red qipao and just COULDN'T.   It was so bad), instead I'm opting for gold.  When I told FMIL this she said it was an excellent idea.  So if she was okay with me not wearing red and not having the tea ceremony, I feel like she will be okay with me not wearing the pearl necklace with the qipao.  I will be wearing the pearl earrings and bracelet with the qipao and the diamond necklace she gave me with the white dress.

    Not to mention... I'm kind of white - and she has been more than fine with that, which again says to me that she isn't UBER traditional.


    Buuuuut with all that said... you do make a realllly good point.  Oh god.... I DON'T KNOW!!
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  • What a lovely gesture!  This makes me smile, after reading so many posts about momzillas...  

    I think the compromise you suggested (earrings & bracelet @ wedding, necklace @ RD) would be fine, as long as it doesn't ruffle her feathers.  Would it be possible (or comfortable) for you to wear the necklace under your qipao?  Just a thought, I know their shape doesn't really lend itself to that... 

    Ditto all the PPs - I really would like to see the qipao and jewelry! :)
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    Mr. Bean Flipping the Bird
  • Tomorrow I will post a picture of me in the qipao - one with the necklace and one without and you can let me know!! I am so thankful I have you ladies to talk to about this!
    image
  • How traditional is your FMIL?  Just a little insight, my DH and I are both Chinese American (3rd generation)...I was given jewelry during our tea ceremony (I know you're not having a tea ceremony) but the jewelry is a symbol of the marriage of prosperity, etc....it's supposed to be worn on your wedding day...so I hate to be against everyone, but if your FMIL is UBER traditional, then you should wear it (even if it doesn't look that flattering)....If she's not...then you could probably get away with wearing it on your RD.
    To be honest I have no idea what the extend of her traditionalism is.  She lives in a different state and I have only spent a small amount of time with her - she doesn't speak very much English and I speak very little Mandarin. 

     I mean she knows my qipao isn't red (I have red hair.  I tried on a red qipao and just COULDN'T.   It was so bad), instead I'm opting for gold.  When I told FMIL this she said it was an excellent idea.  So if she was okay with me not wearing red and not having the tea ceremony, I feel like she will be okay with me not wearing the pearl necklace with the qipao.  I will be wearing the pearl earrings and bracelet with the qipao and the diamond necklace she gave me with the white dress.

    Not to mention... I'm kind of white - and she has been more than fine with that, which again says to me that she isn't UBER traditional.


    Buuuuut with all that said... you do make a realllly good point.  Oh god.... I DON'T KNOW!!


    __________________________________________________________________________

    Ah, stupid boxes! I do have to say, your FMIL seems awesome and understanding. My friend just got married and her FMIL was trying to force traditions on her and her FI (now DH), and she got a ton of grief. Both families were from China, so she had a hard time getting her family to support her and FI decisions too.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image
  • How traditional is your FMIL?  Just a little insight, my DH and I are both Chinese American (3rd generation)...I was given jewelry during our tea ceremony (I know you're not having a tea ceremony) but the jewelry is a symbol of the marriage of prosperity, etc....it's supposed to be worn on your wedding day...so I hate to be against everyone, but if your FMIL is UBER traditional, then you should wear it (even if it doesn't look that flattering)....If she's not...then you could probably get away with wearing it on your RD.
    To be honest I have no idea what the extend of her traditionalism is.  She lives in a different state and I have only spent a small amount of time with her - she doesn't speak very much English and I speak very little Mandarin. 

     I mean she knows my qipao isn't red (I have red hair.  I tried on a red qipao and just COULDN'T.   It was so bad), instead I'm opting for gold.  When I told FMIL this she said it was an excellent idea.  So if she was okay with me not wearing red and not having the tea ceremony, I feel like she will be okay with me not wearing the pearl necklace with the qipao.  I will be wearing the pearl earrings and bracelet with the qipao and the diamond necklace she gave me with the white dress.

    Not to mention... I'm kind of white - and she has been more than fine with that, which again says to me that she isn't UBER traditional.


    Buuuuut with all that said... you do make a realllly good point.  Oh god.... I DON'T KNOW!!


    __________________________________________________________________________

    Ah, stupid boxes! I do have to say, your FMIL seems awesome and understanding. My friend just got married and her FMIL was trying to force traditions on her and her FI (now DH), and she got a ton of grief. Both families were from China, so she had a hard time getting her family to support her and FI decisions too.


    Ahhhh I'm in the box too :(  My FMIL is AMAZING and I am really, really thankful that I lucked out!  She is very sweet and I love her already :)  I'm going to have to get her a really excellent thank you gift!
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  • Maybe you can run this down with your FI??  Tell him your plan and then maybe he can tell you what would be good and not offensive to your FMIL.  But I think you're fine if you get along with her and love her already!! :)
  • antoto said:
    Tomorrow I will post a picture of me in the qipao - one with the necklace and one without and you can let me know!! I am so thankful I have you ladies to talk to about this!
    As alternatives, could you maybe wear the necklace tucked inside the collar of the qipao, so that you still have it on (to be respectful) even if no one can see it?  Or, wrap it around your other wrist as a bracelet?  The gold with red hair sounds beautiful.  I've never seen a tea ceremony, but they sound so beautiful and respectful.  I hope I get to see one someday.
  • Can't wait to see the pics :) your FMIL def sounds awesome. I was also thinking that maybe you can wear it under? Even if no one sees it, as long as it's on?
                                 Anniversary
    imageimageimage


     

  • You can see a bit of my white dress in the background ;)
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  • Yeeeah I totally agree with you--there's no way the necklace works with the neckline of the dress. It sounds like by wearing the rest of the pearl jewelry, you'll still be wearing pearls with your qipao, just not a necklace of them. And then wear the necklace to the rehearsal dinner.

    Also aaaaaaah spectacular dress. You look lovely in it.
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    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
  • phira said:
    Yeeeah I totally agree with you--there's no way the necklace works with the neckline of the dress. It sounds like by wearing the rest of the pearl jewelry, you'll still be wearing pearls with your qipao, just not a necklace of them. And then wear the necklace to the rehearsal dinner.

    Also aaaaaaah spectacular dress. You look lovely in it.
    Yeah, it just doesn't work, even putting it under the collar - the dress presses the pearls against my collar bone and it's really uncomfortable.
    image
  • very pretty!  I agree the necklace does not go with the neckline so I would just tell FMIL your concern and I am sure she would understand.  Wearing the earrings and bracelet will be a lovely addition.
    image

    Anniversary
  • Wow. That is GORGEOUS.

    I agree that the pearls don't work. I think she'd agree if she saw the neckline. I think wearing the pearls to the rehearsal dinner is a good compromise.
  • I'm not a big fan of how the necklace looks with the neckline either. I don't plan on wearing a necklace with my qipao for that reason - the neckline doesn't always lend itself to jewelry. If the necklace were longer, you might be able to get away with it, but that length doesn't really work with the keyhole detail. Your FMIL will hopefully understand and agree!
    ~*~*~*~*~

  • Gorgeous! Love it!!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • what about winding the necklace in your hair (if you planned on having it up)?
  • Wow, the qipao is so pretty, good choice on the color.  Looks great with your beautiful hair.

    If it were me, I'd do the necklace at the RD and the rest at the wedding.  I have to think that your FMIL will understand when she sees the qipao on you.

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