Cutting people who got save the dates

jenna8984 · February 2014

I feel bad for my good friend....her wedding is in 3 months. When she booked the venue a year ago they told her max capacity is 160. Now they are telling her we didn't say that, it's 150. It doesn't say in her contract but they are adamant that fire code is 150. So right as she's about to send out invitations she has to cut 10 people who already received a save the date! Yikes, those people are going to think she's so rude

crackktheskyy · February 2014

There's no wiggle room in her list at all? Were there any plus one's that she had intended to provide to genuinely single guests that she can now cut?

misshart00 · February 2014

If it doesn't have an actual number in her contract, and she's sure they said 160, she could call the fire marshal and find out what fire code is.

pegasuskat · February 2014

I can't imagine that she hasn't had at least a few already tell her they couldn't make it. If so they need to be the one's, you can't send somebody a STD and then not an invite, it will be friendship ending. They are already invited, you can't go back after they are sent.

ei34 · February 2014

Is your friend positive that 160 people received STD's? Traditionally not every guest who will be invited gets a STD, only VIPs and OOT guests. Maybe she could check to see who she sent the STD's to, maybe some friends who live locally didn't get one? That situation sounds like a drag :{

LondonLisa · February 2014

Yeah, her only option now is to see if she can get a bigger venue. STD=Invite and there is no way to "disinvite" someone short of a relationship ending move! If I was disinvited to a wedding, I wouldn't just think they were rude, I would probably cut ties with that person.

I agree, see if there is ANY wiggle room with plus ones (not SO's of invitees, I mean guests of truly single people) or if there is anyone that didn't get an STD. Otherwise, she is going to have to eat her deposit and find a new place that can hold everyone who got a STD.

jenna8984 · February 2014

She definitely sent STD's to all 160 people. And she has more vendors than she planned (like photographer's assistant, DJ assistant). I will tell her these suggestions and ask if any of her family from out of state has already verbally declined.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

I would tell her that she needs to start looking for another venue ASAP.

And it doesn't matter if people verbally declined or not when they received the invite. They should still be invited and they can possibly change their minds and can now attend.

So your friend invited 160 which is the max the venue could hold and didn't include the vendors into that head count? Definitely time for a new venue.

lyndausvi · February 2014

another reason why I think STD are not a good idea in a lot of cases.

I would find another venue.

jenna8984 · February 2014

I feel bad because she's planning the whole thing herself without coordinator or books or even TK so she has faultered on a lot. She originally booked this venue a year ago, then 6 months ago she said "I think it's too expensive and we'll just use our yard". She would have lost her deposit so she never canceled with the venue luckily because myself and some other people talked her back into the venue. Her yard would have been a disaster with parking and bathrooms. So it's possible that she upped her guest list when she thought it was going to be at her house. I know her and she's not going to give up the deposit and book a new venue with 3 months to go, she's going to cut these people even though it's terribly the wrong thing to do!

cowgirl8238 · February 2014

This situation sucks all around. Sadly, if she can't cut the truely single plus ones or confirm a higher fire code then she has to move the venue. It really sucks, and depending on where you are that may not be easy to do on short notice, but its better then uninviting people who got a STD. Also I would imagine her vendors count as people that weren't on her invit list, so she would be cutting closer to 15-20 people not just the 10 over!

To Lurkers: This is why we say you don't send the STD's to everyone and this is why you should always check and double check your contracts...things change and if your budget changes you can easily cut anyone who didn't receive a STD.

Also, as a side note, this is just one of the reasons I hate inviting so close to the maximum number...there is no wriggle room if you need it. (not to mention being cramed into such a tight space is never fun)

LondonLisa · February 2014

jenna8984 said:

I feel bad because she's planning the whole thing herself without coordinator or books or even TK so she has faultered on a lot. She originally booked this venue a year ago, then 6 months ago she said "I think it's too expensive and we'll just use our yard". She would have lost her deposit so she never canceled with the venue luckily because myself and some other people talked her back into the venue. Her yard would have been a disaster with parking and bathrooms. So it's possible that she upped her guest list when she thought it was going to be at her house. I know her and she's not going to give up the deposit and book a new venue with 3 months to go, she's going to cut these people even though it's terribly the wrong thing to do!

Well, then there is nothing you can do. If she is willing to throw away friendships over this, she is just showing her true colours. If this was someone I knew, I would just say "let me help you out by taking my name off the list". I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who's idea of a dream wedding venue was more important than friends and family.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

jenna8984 said:

I feel bad because she's planning the whole thing herself without coordinator or books or even TK so she has faultered on a lot. She originally booked this venue a year ago, then 6 months ago she said "I think it's too expensive and we'll just use our yard". She would have lost her deposit so she never canceled with the venue luckily because myself and some other people talked her back into the venue. Her yard would have been a disaster with parking and bathrooms. So it's possible that she upped her guest list when she thought it was going to be at her house. I know her and she's not going to give up the deposit and book a new venue with 3 months to go, she's going to cut these people even though it's terribly the wrong thing to do!

She would probably loose much more than her deposit.

In my contract, if we were to cancel 3 months out we would be liable for 50% of the contracted price plus the sales tax.

ETA: Plus, depending on the area finding a new venue for a reception in May, I assume on a weekend, might be extremely difficult if nigh impossible. In my area May is a peak month for weddings and venues and vendors typically are booked a year or more in advance. Finding a place that has a cancellation might be possible, but that would be like a Hail Mary.

I know you guys are making suggestions based off of the proper etiquette, but in reality that just might not be feasible.

antoto · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

jenna8984 said:

I feel bad because she's planning the whole thing herself without coordinator or books or even TK so she has faultered on a lot. She originally booked this venue a year ago, then 6 months ago she said "I think it's too expensive and we'll just use our yard". She would have lost her deposit so she never canceled with the venue luckily because myself and some other people talked her back into the venue. Her yard would have been a disaster with parking and bathrooms. So it's possible that she upped her guest list when she thought it was going to be at her house. I know her and she's not going to give up the deposit and book a new venue with 3 months to go, she's going to cut these people even though it's terribly the wrong thing to do!

She would probably loose much more than her deposit.

In my contract, if we were to cancel 3 months out we would be liable for 50% of the contracted price plus the sales tax.

ETA: Plus, depending on the area finding a new venue for a reception in May, I assume on a weekend, might be extremely difficult if nigh impossible. In my area May is a peak month for weddings and venues and vendors typically are booked a year or more in advance. Finding a place that has a cancellation might be possible, but that would be like a Hail Mary.

I know you guys are making suggestions based off of the proper etiquette, but in reality that just might not be feasible.

For my venue I think I would lose closer to 75%

This is a crap situation. I HATE to say this because it is NOT the way it should be done - but I'm going to assume that at least 10 people will not be able to make it.

lyndausvi · February 2014

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I think I would be b-listing people and hoping that at least 10 people decline.

I doubt the fire department cares if someone is labeled a guest or a vendor. 150 person limit is often 150 person limit. Not 150 "guests" and has many vendors as you want.

It's possible the limit is 160, but they pad the limit to include their own staff (goes back to a person is a person). I know the boat I worked on had a 49 person passenger limit and 6 crew. Vendors could not be considered crew in any circumstance. It pissed off a lot of brides when we told them they had to include photographer and officiant in the head count (but not for pricing purposes). Don't get me started on how I had to tell a family they could not come on because they didn't tell us about their infant because they didn't think she counted and we were at capacity. USGC doesn't care your age, a person is a person.

Amyzen83 · February 2014

Ugh this sucks! I'd be pissed at the venue for telling me bad info to start w! It was extremely difficult for us to find the venue that we did due to the fact that most venues in our area hav packages else it ends up costing more should you customize anything. We have an extremely tight budget and found a blank canvas type of venue w a bar. So for us if we had to suddenly change our venue I'd probably have a nervous breakdown. That said i know your friend will get some declines plus she can always cut plus ones for single guests

CrazyCatLady3 · February 2014

This is one of the reasons I didn't send STDs.

Amyzen83 · February 2014

Yea I only sent them to oot guests and bp. I was still fine tuning the rest of our guest list with the non VIPs

phira · February 2014

For lurkers who can still learn from this situation:

Do not send save the dates to everyone on your guest list; consider not sending them at all if you don't have lots of out of town guests or if your wedding isn't near a holiday.

Vendors and staff count when it comes to the fire code. Make sure to take that into account.

Save the date = eventual invitation.

For OP and her friend:

Yeah, at this point, there's not really much that she can do. I would call the venue again and hash out the situation, and figure out if it's a matter of the fire code, or if your friend would just have to rent more tables/chairs.

I don't think there's any way to really B-list in this situation, since everyone got a save-the-date (so they'll figure something's wrong if they don't get an invitation). I would just send invitations to everyone and throw a little party every time you get a decline.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

CrazyCatLady3 said:

This is one of the reasons I didn't send STDs.

Agreed. This is why I am against STDs. I know that they can be useful for out of town guests but you can also let those same guests know your date via word of mouth. So to me STDs are not only a waste of money but a slippery slope when it comes to your guest list.

Cookie Pusher · February 2014

We did STDs because our wedding is a holiday weekend and sent them to all of our guests. Of course, we would need to have 150%+ attendance to hit the fire code at our venue, so that's not an issue. If our guest list had been anywhere past 80% of the venue's max, I would have limited the number of STDs we sent. This is a tough situation, and I hope it works out for your friend!

jenna8984 · February 2014

Maggie0829 said:

CrazyCatLady3 said:

This is one of the reasons I didn't send STDs.

Agreed. This is why I am against STDs. I know that they can be useful for out of town guests but you can also let those same guests know your date via word of mouth. So to me STDs are not only a waste of money but a slippery slope when it comes to your guest list.

I sent STD's because I just thought they were cute (and got a sale at Walgreen's for $25). I only have 55 guests, my budget allows for 65 guests and the venue holds 200. So in my case I knew no one was going to be getting last minute cut, if anything I might add a few people who didn't get a STD. But I have a few friends who are on the verge of getting engaged and once they are I will definitely tell them to be careful with this!

sarahufl · February 2014

we did STDs because a ton of our guests are OOT. I made the mistake of mentioning to my mom that we didn't intend to send them to everyone and she made me anyway. There are a lot of people I don't want saving my date, which my mom did not care about.

CrazyCatLady3 · February 2014

sarahufl said:

we did STDs because a ton of our guests are OOT. I made the mistake of mentioning to my mom that we didn't intend to send them to everyone and she made me anyway. There are a lot of people I don't want saving my date, which my mom did not care about.

Lol. Yeah, we are inviting to the max of our venue, so honestly if some people can't make it because they didn't get more than 3 months' notice (I am sending my invites out early since I didn't do STDs), I won't be at all upset. All close friends and family have already been verbally notified of our date.

Inkdancer · February 2014

CrazyCatLady3 said:

sarahufl said:

we did STDs because a ton of our guests are OOT. I made the mistake of mentioning to my mom that we didn't intend to send them to everyone and she made me anyway. There are a lot of people I don't want saving my date, which my mom did not care about.

Lol. Yeah, we are inviting to the max of our venue, so honestly if some people can't make it because they didn't get more than 3 months' notice (I am sending my invites out early since I didn't do STDs), I won't be at all upset. All close friends and family have already been verbally notified of our date.

Just a note: please don't send your invites a full 3 months in advance. If there are people who really need that much notice, call or send a note. Otherwise just stick to the 8 week guideline.

It is way too easy to lose an invitation, and you will not want to track down all the RSVPs that don't come in because people think "oh I have 2 months to send this back" and then never do.

tcnoble · February 2014

@lnkdancer your comment makes me think you could give an answer to my question - our wedding isn't until 3/28/2015 but all but about 30 of our 170 guests are OOT... so we were going to send STDs in July sometime to give 8 months notice. Despite most of our guests being OOT, do we still follow the 8 week rule and send the invites mid January to give just about 2 months/8 weeks notice? Or do we need to follow maybe 10-12 weeks since so many are OOT?? We hope that once they get the STD they will book air and hotel, but worry that some may wait until the official invite is in their hands and not sure 8 weeks allows enough time - or is that THEIR problem? Help would be appreciated

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

I have never made hotel or flight arrangements for OOT weddings when I rec'd the STD. I have always made them after getting the actual invitation.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

tcnoble said:

@lnkdancer your comment makes me think you could give an answer to my question - our wedding isn't until 3/28/2015 but all but about 30 of our 170 guests are OOT... so we were going to send STDs in July sometime to give 8 months notice. Despite most of our guests being OOT, do we still follow the 8 week rule and send the invites mid January to give just about 2 months/8 weeks notice? Or do we need to follow maybe 10-12 weeks since so many are OOT?? We hope that once they get the STD they will book air and hotel, but worry that some may wait until the official invite is in their hands and not sure 8 weeks allows enough time - or is that THEIR problem? Help would be appreciated

I know you didn't ask me but I am going to answer anyways!

Still follow the 6-8 week guideline for invites. The STD is basically an informal invitation. If those guests want to wait to make travel arrangements until they receive the formal invitation then that is their issue. You gave them advance notice of your wedding and that they were invited so it is now up to the guests to decide what they are going to do.

Inkdancer · February 2014

tcnoble said:

@lnkdancer your comment makes me think you could give an answer to my question - our wedding isn't until 3/28/2015 but all but about 30 of our 170 guests are OOT... so we were going to send STDs in July sometime to give 8 months notice. Despite most of our guests being OOT, do we still follow the 8 week rule and send the invites mid January to give just about 2 months/8 weeks notice? Or do we need to follow maybe 10-12 weeks since so many are OOT?? We hope that once they get the STD they will book air and hotel, but worry that some may wait until the official invite is in their hands and not sure 8 weeks allows enough time - or is that THEIR problem? Help would be appreciated

As you are sending Save the Dates, 8 weeks should be a good time frame for invitations. If there are any VIPs who have circumstances that would make it difficult for them to travel or get vacation time (hospital workers, emergency workers, police, military, etc) then you may wish to send their invitations a bit early for their convenience. Otherwise, send your invitations at 8 weeks, put room block information on your website, and go about your day.

tcnoble · February 2014

Thanks for the responses. Like you all have said, a STD is indicative of an invitation-to-come so I would hope when received people will look in to travel arrangements, and I suppose if they wait until January and encounter issues then that's there problem, unfortunately. Thanks again for the great advice ladies!!

Jen4948 · February 2014

I would only send save-the-dates to people whose presence is absolutely essential at your wedding-not to anyone else, and certainly not to every single person on your list.

That said, OP, I'm sorry your friend is in this situation. I hope she can resolve it either by being allowed to invite the 10 extra people or find another venue. That's painful.

Cutting people who got save the dates

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