The etiquette cluster that is BIL/FSIL's wedding

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

I'm going to resort to day-drinking to get through this, I really am.

1. They've been engaged for 10 years. They decided two weeks ago to get married Feb. 14 (V-Day, of course). We were voluntold we're in charge of bringing BSC gma to the courthouse. At no point were we asked if we had other plans (we do) or if this was convenient for us (it's not). And, btw, gma can drive, but she's obnoxious, so we're being asked to 'control her' so she doesn't say rude things.

2. We've been told we're getting invites, but they haven't come yet. Not that it matters, because as I pointed out to DH, 'We know where and when -- what else do we need to know?'

3. Relating to the invites, they invited BIL's/DH's father, whom neither son has much contact with (I think out of guilt), but didn't invite MIL. FIL called BIL yesterday and asked if MIL could come because 'she really wants to.'

(MIL wasn't invited because she spent the kids' childhoods using them as punching bags (and there are allegations of sexual abuse against BIL), so they're clear on the not-inviting-both-halves-of-a-social-unit rule.)

BIL said, 'No way in hell.' FIL said, 'Well, then I'm not sure I can come.' BIL said, 'OK, all the better!' FIL then called DH to complain about his ungrateful kids not loving him.

4. BSC gma is pitching a fit because her daughter (FIL is her son) isn't invited, but gma is invited, and 'I want my daughter to come. She's family.' Yes, y'all, the belief of parents that their children should be included in everything continues to when the parent is in her 80s and the child is in her 60s.

5. DH hasn't been able to get a straight answer out of his brother, but it appears the 'reception' will be a 'pay-your-own-way' event at a local restaurant of the B&G's choosing.

No matter what, I'm going to go, smile, and be polite, because this is DH's brother and they're working on patching up their relationship, but I will be day-drinking this one.

Knope2014 · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

4. BSC gma is pitching a fit because her daughter (FIL is her son) isn't invited, but gma is invited, and 'I want my daughter to come. She's family.' Yes, y'all, the belief of parents that their children should be included in everything continues to when the parent is in her 80s and the child is in her 60s.

This isn't true across the board. I have a four year old, and me and Fi both understand that as much as we think he rocks, he's not welcome everywhere. I think this is more petty and quirky than being the norm.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

Knope2014 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

4. BSC gma is pitching a fit because her daughter (FIL is her son) isn't invited, but gma is invited, and 'I want my daughter to come. She's family.' Yes, y'all, the belief of parents that their children should be included in everything continues to when the parent is in her 80s and the child is in her 60s.

This isn't true across the board. I have a four year old, and me and Fi both understand that as much as we think he rocks, he's not welcome everywhere. I think this is more petty and quirky than being the norm.

I know it's not; it's a tongue-in-cheek jab at the women who come on these boards and bitch that their kids aren't invited to someone's adults-only wedding. My point was that it's ridiculous for the parents of a toddler to think that, it's even MORE ridiculous to think that when the child is a grown-ass adult in her own right.

Knope2014 · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Knope2014 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

4. BSC gma is pitching a fit because her daughter (FIL is her son) isn't invited, but gma is invited, and 'I want my daughter to come. She's family.' Yes, y'all, the belief of parents that their children should be included in everything continues to when the parent is in her 80s and the child is in her 60s.

This isn't true across the board. I have a four year old, and me and Fi both understand that as much as we think he rocks, he's not welcome everywhere. I think this is more petty and quirky than being the norm.

I know it's not; it's a tongue-in-cheek jab at the women who come on these boards and bitch that their kids aren't invited to someone's adults-only wedding. My point was that it's ridiculous for the parents of a toddler to think that, it's even MORE ridiculous to think that when the child is a grown-ass adult in her own right.

My bad, misunderstood, sorry!

Also, day drink. I'd get a four pack of the mini wine bottles and keep them in my bag, then see how long it takes to drink them all.

phira · February 2014

I think we need to set-up some kind of honeyfund whatever to help you pay for the alcohol you're going to need to get through this.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

phira said:

I think we need to set-up some kind of honeyfund whatever to help you pay for the alcohol you're going to need to get through this.

HAHA! Thanks!

I will be posting updates.

misshart00 · February 2014

You know, you could just decline.

And you also didn't update people about lunch. Why didn't you?

Amyzen83 · February 2014

Whole thing sounds like a hot mess! Forget the wine bring in Jack

banana468 · February 2014

Unless DH completely raids the liquor cabinet, you're welcome to our stash. It's amazing what you can hide in orange juice, coffee and Sprite!

(You get all the wine too but you deserve the breakfast of champions.)

Maggie0829 · February 2014

misshart00 said:
You know, you could just decline.

And you also didn't update people about lunch. Why didn't you?

I agree with just declining. I would tell my H to have a good time but that I am sitting this one out.

Cookie Pusher · February 2014

Poor @HisGirlFriday13. You get ALL THE WINE!

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

misshart00 said:

You know, you could just decline. And you also didn't update people about lunch. Why didn't you?

Sorry, @missax, I thought I did in the original thread.

Gma spent three hours talking non-stop, without actually making sense or addressing either of us by name.

She was clearly cooped up and lonely (this winter is driving us ALL stir-crazy), but then she also spent a fair amount of time complaining about the people she had seen (i.e., 'I asked Neighbor to bring me 2% milk because he offered, but he said the store was all out, so he got me 1% and I don't know why he didn't go to another store to look for me when I specifically asked for 2%').

She was as nice to me as she's ever been, kind of shockingly. She didn't say anything negative or mean or passive-aggressive.

The only weird thing was as we were leaving, she said to DH, 'You know, you could call me sometimes. I worry. And I don't even have her [meaning my] number.' DH was like, 'I do call you.' I didn't say anything but I thought to myself, 'There is a REASON you don't have my phone number.'

Then she said to me, 'You could call me, too, you know.'

Uhm....OK, or not.

And yeah, we could decline, but his brother and FSIL are nice, and I like them, etiquette faux pas of this wedding aside. This is one of those cases where even though I know it's against etiquette, you side-eye it privately (or on TK) and suck it up for the day-of.

DH and his brother had a rocky relationship growing up, so if this is what it takes to help mend that, then OK. I'll pay for my and DH's lunches at Buffalo Wild Wings.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I'm going to resort to day-drinking to get through this, I really am.

1. They've been engaged for 10 years. They decided two weeks ago to get married Feb. 14 (V-Day, of course). We were voluntold we're in charge of bringing BSC gma to the courthouse. At no point were we asked if we had other plans (we do) or if this was convenient for us (it's not). And, btw, gma can drive, but she's obnoxious, so we're being asked to 'control her' so she doesn't say rude things. Fuck that shit! Give her whatever she loves bets to loosen her tongue, rile her up, and set her loose!!!!

2. We've been told we're getting invites, but they haven't come yet. Not that it matters, because as I pointed out to DH, 'We know where and when -- what else do we need to know?' Nope, nope, nope. If you don't get an invite, don't go. Guess you weren't invited, right?!

3. Relating to the invites, they invited BIL's/DH's father, whom neither son has much contact with (I think out of guilt), but didn't invite MIL. FIL called BIL yesterday and asked if MIL could come because 'she really wants to.'

(MIL wasn't invited because she spent the kids' childhoods using them as punching bags (and there are allegations of sexual abuse against BIL), so they're clear on the not-inviting-both-halves-of-a-social-unit rule.)

BIL said, 'No way in hell.' FIL said, 'Well, then I'm not sure I can come.' BIL said, 'OK, all the better!' FIL then called DH to complain about his ungrateful kids not loving him.

4. BSC gma is pitching a fit because her daughter (FIL is her son) isn't invited, but gma is invited, and 'I want my daughter to come. She's family.' Yes, y'all, the belief of parents that their children should be included in everything continues to when the parent is in her 80s and the child is in her 60s.

5. DH hasn't been able to get a straight answer out of his brother, but it appears the 'reception' will be a 'pay-your-own-way' event at a local restaurant of the B&G's choosing. AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

No matter what, I'm going to go, smile, and be polite, because this is DH's brother and they're working on patching up their relationship, but I will be day-drinking this one.

pinkcow13 · February 2014

Oh geez. First grannie lunch and now this. Lots of day drinking indeed. May I suggest tequila on the rocks?

Edit: Major brain fart

APDSS22 · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I'm going to resort to day-drinking to get through this, I really am.

1. They've been engaged for 10 years. They decided two weeks ago to get married Feb. 14 (V-Day, of course). We were voluntold we're in charge of bringing BSC gma to the courthouse. At no point were we asked if we had other plans (we do) or if this was convenient for us (it's not). And, btw, gma can drive, but she's obnoxious, so we're being asked to 'control her' so she doesn't say rude things.

2. We've been told we're getting invites, but they haven't come yet. Not that it matters, because as I pointed out to DH, 'We know where and when -- what else do we need to know?'

3. Relating to the invites, they invited BIL's/DH's father, whom neither son has much contact with (I think out of guilt), but didn't invite MIL. FIL called BIL yesterday and asked if MIL could come because 'she really wants to.'

(MIL wasn't invited because she spent the kids' childhoods using them as punching bags (and there are allegations of sexual abuse against BIL), so they're clear on the not-inviting-both-halves-of-a-social-unit rule.)

BIL said, 'No way in hell.' FIL said, 'Well, then I'm not sure I can come.' BIL said, 'OK, all the better!' FIL then called DH to complain about his ungrateful kids not loving him.

4. BSC gma is pitching a fit because her daughter (FIL is her son) isn't invited, but gma is invited, and 'I want my daughter to come. She's family.' Yes, y'all, the belief of parents that their children should be included in everything continues to when the parent is in her 80s and the child is in her 60s.

5. DH hasn't been able to get a straight answer out of his brother, but it appears the 'reception' will be a 'pay-your-own-way' event at a local restaurant of the B&G's choosing.

No matter what, I'm going to go, smile, and be polite, because this is DH's brother and they're working on patching up their relationship, but I will be day-drinking this one.

1. With all you've told us about gma, controlling her so she doesn't say rude things is an impossible task.

2. They might be too tied up in trying to plan a wedding in a crazy short amount to time to get actual invites sent out in a timely manner. Doesn't excuse it, but since you know when and where...this I would probably ignore for the most part.

3. Family drama. Enjoy your wine.

4. Enjoy more wine.

5. Please tell me they're at least reserving the seats at the restaurant...Valentine's Day is usually a positive crush in restaurants. While I feel icky thinking about the etiquette faux pas of making your guests pay for their own thank you...getting to the restaurant and finding out that you can't even go in to pay for your own thank you meal would be worse.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I'm going to resort to day-drinking to get through this, I really am.

1. They've been engaged for 10 years. They decided two weeks ago to get married Feb. 14 (V-Day, of course). We were voluntold we're in charge of bringing BSC gma to the courthouse. At no point were we asked if we had other plans (we do) or if this was convenient for us (it's not). And, btw, gma can drive, but she's obnoxious, so we're being asked to 'control her' so she doesn't say rude things.

2. We've been told we're getting invites, but they haven't come yet. Not that it matters, because as I pointed out to DH, 'We know where and when -- what else do we need to know?'

3. Relating to the invites, they invited BIL's/DH's father, whom neither son has much contact with (I think out of guilt), but didn't invite MIL. FIL called BIL yesterday and asked if MIL could come because 'she really wants to.'

(MIL wasn't invited because she spent the kids' childhoods using them as punching bags (and there are allegations of sexual abuse against BIL), so they're clear on the not-inviting-both-halves-of-a-social-unit rule.)

BIL said, 'No way in hell.' FIL said, 'Well, then I'm not sure I can come.' BIL said, 'OK, all the better!' FIL then called DH to complain about his ungrateful kids not loving him.

4. BSC gma is pitching a fit because her daughter (FIL is her son) isn't invited, but gma is invited, and 'I want my daughter to come. She's family.' Yes, y'all, the belief of parents that their children should be included in everything continues to when the parent is in her 80s and the child is in her 60s.

5. DH hasn't been able to get a straight answer out of his brother, but it appears the 'reception' will be a 'pay-your-own-way' event at a local restaurant of the B&G's choosing.

No matter what, I'm going to go, smile, and be polite, because this is DH's brother and they're working on patching up their relationship, but I will be day-drinking this one.

1. With all you've told us about gma, controlling her so she doesn't say rude things is an impossible task. I agree. I also told DH, 'Not my circus, not my monkeys.' It's up to him to control gma as best he's able.

2. They might be too tied up in trying to plan a wedding in a crazy short amount to time to get actual invites sent out in a timely manner. Doesn't excuse it, but since you know when and where...this I would probably ignore for the most part. Well, we did get text message invites. That kind of counts.

3. Family drama. Enjoy your wine. Thank you!!

4. Enjoy more wine. Again, thank you!!

5. Please tell me they're at least reserving the seats at the restaurant...Valentine's Day is usually a positive crush in restaurants. While I feel icky thinking about the etiquette faux pas of making your guests pay for their own thank you...getting to the restaurant and finding out that you can't even go in to pay for your own thank you meal would be worse. Nope. But it's an 11.30 a.m. ceremony at the MDJ, so we'll be going to lunch, which *should be* less crowded.

sarahufl · February 2014

I am a little late to the party, so maybe this has been addressed already. But for the sake of people reading this thread - why have they been engaged 10 years and now are getting hitched with 10 minutes notice?! I get that big to do's aren't for everyone, but that just seems ridiculous to me.

phira · February 2014

Yeah, my future brother- and sister-in-law's wedding was just plain terrible, etiquette-wise. Not attending would have been seen as me saying, "FUCK YOU" to the whole family, so it wasn't an option. Sometimes, it's actually just easier to go and come back with stories than it is to decline.

Kauris · February 2014

As far as the day drinking, all I have to say is Starbucks cups. No one ever questions a Starbucks cup. I filled one of the big cold drink cups with sangria when we went to the horse track once, no questions asked. It was great!

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

@sarahufl -- They got engaged when she got pregnant with their now-almost-10-year-old-son. He's always said, 'A piece of paper won't change out I feel about her, so why should I get married?'

He was recently diagnosed with a life-altering disease that is manageable with diet and medication, but he had an episode at work where he fainted, got taken to hospital, and she was initially refused access to him because she 'wasn't family.' That woke him up the realities of what that 'piece of paper' means.

(Also, prior to the diagnosis, he started going to church, and the church is very right-wing conservative, and they've been hounding him to 'make an honest woman out of her' and 'stop living in the sin of fornication.' So there's that).

@phira -- you hit the nail on the head. Declining would have been a giant 'fuck you' to the family, and I'm not that rude. (I am rude enough to side-eye them, and talk about them on here).

@kasmith1 -- OMG that's brilliant!! I drink coffee ALL THE TIME, so no one would even THINK to question that.

sarahufl · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

@sarahufl -- They got engaged when she got pregnant with their now-almost-10-year-old-son. He's always said, 'A piece of paper won't change out I feel about her, so why should I get married?'

He was recently diagnosed with a life-altering disease that is manageable with diet and medication, but he had an episode at work where he fainted, got taken to hospital, and she was initially refused access to him because she 'wasn't family.' That woke him up the realities of what that 'piece of paper' means.

(Also, prior to the diagnosis, he started going to church, and the church is very right-wing conservative, and they've been hounding him to 'make an honest woman out of her' and 'stop living in the sin of fornication.' So there's that).

@phira -- you hit the nail on the head. Declining would have been a giant 'fuck you' to the family, and I'm not that rude. (I am rude enough to side-eye them, and talk about them on here).

@kasmith1 -- OMG that's brilliant!! I drink coffee ALL THE TIME, so no one would even THINK to question that.

Got it! Well, I hope his health improves- I would imagine that is scary. You should go to the wedding but you should also drink and keep us updated. Sounds like a hot mess.

lyndausvi · February 2014

I like day drinking.

mimiphin · February 2014

Sending all the Canadian Rye I can to you!

And a Karen since I love you!!

SmileDamnit · February 2014

kasmith1 said:

As far as the day drinking, all I have to say is Starbucks cups. No one ever questions a Starbucks cup. I filled one of the big cold drink cups with sangria when we went to the horse track once, no questions asked. It was great!

Fail proof. I had a client of ours do this for me when I got stuck in an early morning session at a conference once (bloody mary instead of sangria) and I've been her BFF ever since.

Sound like you've got this one in the in the (bound to be entertaining albeit dysfunctional) bag. You can dooooooo IT!

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

Awww, thanks @mimiphin -- I love the Karen GIF!!

I'm just so happy for my FSIL, whom I love dearly, because she's been wanting a wedding for ages and ages, and she's finally getting him to realise that 'it's more than just a piece of paper.'

wrigleyville · February 2014

Dear God in Heaven... I'd be drunk every second between now and V-day.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

I may (or may not) have gone to the state store and bought lots...and lots....and lots of wine tonight.

Thankfully, DH and I have long-standing plans with friends of ours, so after lunch, we're peacing out.

The trade off for all of this is that he's DD'ing (designated driving), because I'm DD'ing (day-drinking).

Rebl90 · February 2014

For the "on -the-go day drinker"....

GL!

Edited: nvm, my picture won't show

LondonLisa · February 2014

I understand, I had a similar situation, Fi's sister married a guy who, well, is a little bit on the trashy side and his family is even worse. She completely adopted his lifestyle and their wedding was a total etiquette nightmare! Fi's family were mortified but there was nothing they could do as they were not hosting.

I'm talking B-list, tiered reception, cash bar (even for fizzy drinks), registry information on the invitation. Her now-husband's family and friends got blacked-out drunk and were completely inappropriate. I don't mind people being tipsy at weddings and having a good time in the slightest, but at one point the groom's sweaty, drunk, topless best man tried to grind up on Fi's 90 year old grandmother when Fi was dancing with her.

It came to the point where we all just had to laugh. So I'm with the others, just try to laugh it off, this is going to be your family. Get a glass (read: bottle) of wine and imagine all the funny stories you guys will have from this

SKPM · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:
I may (or may not) have gone to the state store and bought lots...and lots....and lots of wine tonight.

Thankfully, DH and I have long-standing plans with friends of ours, so after lunch, we're peacing out.

The trade off for all of this is that he's DD'ing (designated driving), because I'm DD'ing (day-drinking).

H and I have a standing policy that whoever's family we're with is the DD; which ever of us is with in-laws gets to drink. It's gotten us successfully through several holiday seasons and family dinners.

Chipmunk415 · February 2014

His Girl, I highly recommend peppermint schnapps in starbucks hot chocolate. We may have some extra mini wine bottles from me putting together welcome bags I might be able to send you.

I'll start on a batch of hurricanes for when you arrive in FL to recover from this cluster

The etiquette cluster that is BIL/FSIL's wedding

Re: The etiquette cluster that is BIL/FSIL's wedding

Choose Another Board

Search Boards