Not exactly an etiquette question but...

melbenso · February 2014

Generally, I've found this board more helpful than any other. Since you ladies have such good input on so many other things, I have a question for you:

What did/do you plan on doing about joint finances after the wedding?

Some background. FI and I have lived together for several years and have a joint bank account. Currently, we each put enough in the joint account to cover half of our mutual expenses and keep the rest of our money separate. FI got laid off last year and I currently make about twice what he does doing freelance work. I have, on several occasions, suggested that once we are married we should have one joint account for all of our purchases and all of our money should go into that account. (It's what I'm used to - my parents, who have been happily married for 40 years have always done this.) FI wants us to continue to do something similar to what we are doing now once we are married. He is worried about "taking advantage" of my higher income. I already cover a lot of our extra and surprise expenses because of my higher income. And I am totally fine with that. We are a family. As far as I am concerned, that's just how it works. One joint account we both can access just makes it easier. (E.g. he could have picked the cat up from surgery the other day if the money to pay for it was already in our joint account, and I wouldn't have had to leave work early.)

I'm curious to see what other couples did or plan on doing and how that has worked out for them. Thanks!

AprilH81 · February 2014

This is a "whatever works for you" situation.

Now that the wedding is behind us H and I are going to sit down and get into the nitty-gritty of our finances (neither of us has debt other than my mortgage) and work up the plan.

We've already agreed that we will fully merge finances, keeping a token amount separate as "fun money". It is just deciding the actual dollar amounts that will go in retirement, investments, emergency fund, etc.

cruffino · February 2014

FI and I joined our finances shortly after we got engaged. We have 2 bank accounts that are linked together. We share the credit cards. We pay the bills and and use spending money from our joint source. This is how our parents have done it as well and it made sense for us.

Cookie Pusher · February 2014

FI and I have lived together for almost 11 years and don't have a single joint account yet. We've discussed, at length, what we plan to do with our finances after the wedding, and we're pretty settled on having a joint account to pay expenses, a joint savings account for things we both want (vacations, new furniture, etc.), and each maintaining a small account where we can spend how we choose. We each have hobbies that can get pretty costly (he's into model trains, I make jewelry - that's all pricy stuff), and don't want to feel like we're taking money out of the others pocket for those things or for buying each other gifts. Neither of us wants to feel like we have to ask permission or feel guilty for spending our own hard earned money, nor do either of us want to feel trapped financially. But if we know we each have a little bit of money put aside for ourselves, there's less pressure. It doesn't work for everyone, but that's what works for us.

abbyj700 · February 2014

We figure if it's not broke, don't fix it. We currently keep all of our finance separate and have discussed doing so after the wedding. I literally make about 7X more than my fiance. I pay for almost all of the household expenses. His money pays his cell phone, insurance and truck payment -and we go back and forth paying for nights out (which we have a lot of). I really don't think he would ever want free reign on the kind of money I make or keep in savings. While all of the money is ours (even before we get married) - I think we both just still like having everything separated and control over our own earnings.

My parents have been married for 44 years and have had shared finances. But I'm not my parents.

ChemFanatic25 · February 2014

We got a joint account because it made it easier to pay for expenses like the rent, food, utilities and whatever applies to our dog. We live together so this made sense to us. Even after we get married I believe we are planning on keeping our own accounts - his loans are much MUCH larger than mine and he pays his mom for his car insurance and car loan since all of that is in his name. I bought a car and so I use my own money to pay for that car.

Outside of the joint account for things we share it just made sense to have our own accounts and we are more comfortable with that.

I do believe it is all dependent on the type of people you are. I know people who combine their student loans so they end up combining finances. I don't know about any other situations though.

Teddy917 · February 2014

Currently I'm the only one earning anything. If my husband eventually gets any money, we'll use his for bills, rent, food, etc. and anything I earn will be for fun and savings. The way we're doing the fun money (so it's as equal as possible) is buying either a movie or tv series and we alternate each month on who picks. It's also nice because we both enjoy watching almost all of the other persons shows. So it's a treat for both of us.

climbingsingle · February 2014

We kept our separate accounts and opened up a joint checking account. That account is used for the mortgage, gas and electric bill, cable bill and other household items.

I still have my own checking account that my paycheck is deposited into and I still have my own savings account.

emmyg65 · February 2014

People have lots of different ways of handling this. For us, we believe in "what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine." So we pool all our money, and all our debt. We each brought some credit card debt into our marriage, so we're concentrating on paying that all off now (even though most of it was accumulated while we were single). We have a joint checking account and a joint savings account.

For us, we just find it much easier to combine everything.

The only thing we do separately is each month, we each get a little fun money "allowance." It goes into our own, individual checking accounts. That way, I can buy all the shoes I can afford, or we can buy each other gifts that are true surprises, or whatever.

emmaaa · February 2014

FI and I have been dating over 5 years and living together 2. We have a joint checking account for all of our bills and expenses but each keep a separate savings account. I agree that this is most convenient for us. I just graduated college in August and up until then, FI was working full-time and covered most of our expenses. It was nice that I didn't have to ask for money from him like an allowance. Now that I have graduated, he has started college and ,again, it is great that he doesn't have to ask me for money. I also like that it is OUR money since we are a unit. It gets rid of the, "well I bought this so it's mine" or "well it's my money and I can spend it how I want." I believe it can work either way as long as you both agree on how you want to handle that.

Jells2dot0 · February 2014

abbyj700 said:
We figure if it's not broke, don't fix it. We currently keep all of our finance separate and have discussed doing so after the wedding. I literally make about 7X more than my fiance. I pay for almost all of the household expenses. His money pays his cell phone, insurance and truck payment -and we go back and forth paying for nights out (which we have a lot of). I really don't think he would ever want free reign on the kind of money I make or keep in savings. While all of the money is ours (even before we get married) - I think we both just still like having everything separated and control over our own earnings.

My parents have been married for 44 years and have had shared finances. But I'm not my parents.

I'm in the "if it ain't broke" category. We split our expenses based on incomes, priorities, and commitments (my DH had child support when we met) and we take care of what we agreed on separately from our own accounts. We have an agreement to chat before big purchases, but otherwise, we spend what we want, when we want. However, our incomes are almost the same, we both work for the same company (same benefits and savings plans) and we have a similar savings style.

delujm0 · February 2014

Currently, we have a joint account for joint expenses (groceries, mortgage, utilities, joint travel, the wedding, etc) which we both contribute an equal amount to on each payday. When we first moved in together, our income was identical, so this just made the most sense.

In the past 7 years though, we've both changed jobs and FI now is self-employed - in any given year he makes between 2-3 times what i do. In the past month, he started contributing slightly more than me to the joint account. Our plan is to continue our current structure until such time as our living situation changes (like we have a kid or trade in the condo for a house) at which point we will reassess. The reassessment will likely mean calculating what we need in the joint account and then splitting it about 60/40 or 70/30 or whatever makes sense based on our incomes at that point. We're both financial professionals with accounting backgrounds, so we're sure we'll come up with something fair.

Because FI makes so much more than me now but has about the same joint account contribution, he's on the hook for saving for our next house down payment - something that he's been able to almost complete already. We don't question each other's purchases from our separate funds - that's why they're separate. i like shoes and traveling abroad and he likes boats and skiing (and suddenly also shoes - expensive ones), so that's just the easiest way to do it. i don't think we'd ever completely merge our funds unless one of us becomes a stay-at-home parent without an income. we both like the freedom to spend however we want, and we can both manage our own money so that we don't have any credit card debt and plenty of savings, so it's not a big deal.

ei34 · February 2014

You and your FI will have to do whatever feels comfortable for both of you. Each couple is going to have their own way of dealing with finances, so there's no cut and dry answer. If it'd be more convenient for you (ex: the cat story you shared), perhaps you could put more than he does into that joint account, to cover emergency/last-minute expenses in the future.

My hubby and I make just about the same thing, so since we moved in together, about two years ago (two months before getting engaged), we contribute the same amount of money each month into our one joint checking account to cover mutual expenses (the bills, vacation spending, a new piece of furniture). The rest of our money goes into our own checking accounts.

cowgirl8238 · February 2014

When FI and I were just dating we opened a joint account when we moved. We each contributed the smae flat rate into the account and that paid for the rent, gas, electric, groceries and other miscellanous expenses. However after we got engaged we sat down and had a converstation about our debts. He makes about 3x what I do, so while he was able to keep his debts down I was struggling with car payments gas and the like. So we pooled our money.

For us pooling helped because we are now both free of any major debt (just student loans). I really wanted to be able to enter our marriage debt free, so this is how we did it. We also openly discuss this account at least once every month, and we both have full access so we can monitor it at any point. It just made more sense to make a common pool where I can take a little extra when I need it and vice versa.

For what its worth we also set a limit on how much one can spend without telling someone else (for us anything over $30 needs to be "approved") It can suck but it really helps you form splurging on the stuff you don't really need but want to buy anyway. We also have a minimum balance that we keep in savings and a personal maximum on our credit cards so we don't get into trouble there either.

Pepper6 · February 2014

We've been married for over 2 years and still have separate accounts. No reason exactly other than it's worked fine for us over the last 5 years we've been together, so it seems like more of a pain than it's worth to combine accounts. We still view it as "our" money, but it makes it easier for us each to track our personal spending (ie, I don't have to go through our account and ask him if they are all legit charges and vise versa).

We originally talked about finally combining finances once we started a family, but now that we have a baby on the way, it still seems like more hassle than it's worth so we're sticking with this for as long as it makes sense for us.

phira · February 2014

We're planning something similar to @Cookie Pusher, but our plans may change. We currently share a credit card and a savings account; the savings account is the wedding account, and after the wedding, it turns into the house account.

We're a little stuck right now because we're learning that credit cards and checking accounts these days are less "joint" that we'd hoped. We wanted a credit card that was basically the same exact account and number, and we just had cards with our own names on it and maybe one of us was the primary account holder. As it stands, we have cards with different numbers, and while I can log in and look at how much I've spent with my card, I can't see his spending. I'm not even sure I can redeem rewards (haven't tried). Meanwhile, he can see my spending as well as his. I've been told that checking accounts function similarly, where one of us will basically be the account holder.

So I'd love to hear what folks have to say.

In a perfect world, we'd like to have our checks directly deposited into a joint checking account, we'd like to put away X amount a month into savings accounts (Capital One 360) for stuff like house and vacation, and then X amount each month would go into personal checking for us to use for whatever we want. We'd also have our own credit cards and 1-2 joint cards. We'll see if that works.

He currently makes more than I do, but after his monthly student loan payments, we make about the same. Not sure how we'll handle differences in income eventually.

Alex3Mom · February 2014

We're in the "If it's not broken" category. When we started living together, my husband moved into my condo and rented his house. The money from the rent goes into a joint savings account to cover repairs and mortgage when there is no tenant. I pay the mortgage on the condo and my husband pays gas, electric and water bills. Food we each buy about an equal share and we each pay our own personal expenses and contribute to our individual savings. Husband once told me he knew "I squirreled money away" and I told him he was the beneficiary on those accounts. It's not like the money is going into a Swiss bank account so Jean-Claude and I can run away together to the south of France. Big expenses like recently replacing the HVAC system we share about equally. However, both of us feel it's all "our" money and fortunately we pretty much agree on financial priorities.

hikebikebemerry · February 2014

We just opened a joint checking account, as in earlier this week. He makes more than I do, in addition, I have student loans (he never had any.. lucky fella!). The way we did it is perhaps a little more complicated, because of the huge income disparity.

We added up all of our combined fixed costs (loans, mortgage, phone, etc.) and added to that what we budgeted for our variable costs (entertainment, dining out, grocery, vehicle gas, etc.). We then calculated our monthly combined income (we did not include OT, which he does a lot of), and figured out that he makes X% of our total income, and I make Y% of our total income. We then took our total costs and put our respective % into the joint account. From there, we both have leftover money that we can use to build our personal savings accounts, buy gifts, etc.

It's way less complicated than I'm making it sound, I promise.

phira · February 2014

@hikebikebemerry That makes total sense. You basically each take a percentage of your monthly income and contribute it to the joint account (say, 50% of your income, 50% of his income) and use that to pay for shared expenses like the mortgage or dining out. Then whatever's left is your own money to do whatever you want with it. He'll contribute more money than you do, but he'll also have more money left in his personal account than you do, because he makes more.

hikebikebemerry · February 2014

@phira Exactly!

Maggie0829 · February 2014

H and it have a joint saving and checking account. We each put a designated amount into both accounts each month. Checking is for joint bills and savings is just that, joint savings to use on big purchases and trips, emergencies, etc.

Then we have our own accounts where the remaining money from our paychecks are put to pay our individual bills and then whatever is left over is our fun money.

H and I make close to the same thing but he has a lot more personal bills so I put a larger percentage into our joint account then he does but at the end of the month we both have a similar amount of money leftover so things are fair.

MyNameIsNot · February 2014

We still do something similar to what you've been doing. We each put a set amount into a joint account to cover all the bills and savings, except rather than dividing in half we split our contributions based on our incomes. (Back when he made more, he contributed more. Now that I earn more, I contribute more than half.) Then we each keep the balance in our individual accounts for gas, groceries, fun, etc.

We talked about leaving student loans separate, mostly because mine are insane, but we figured that he'd just end up buying every time we went out and it would all come out in the wash. I prefer to have my personal checking account available solely for spending money. I like not having to worry about bills coming out of it.

MrsMarende · February 2014

I also say if it is working for you why change it?

If you want you can open a joint checking account that you both put money into for expenses like the cat thing you mentioned.

We currently have separate accounts. I make about 4X more than my FI. We split the joint bills based on a percentage of total income.

For example if he earns 30% of the total income he pays 30% of the joint bills plus his own car payment, health insurance, and phone. I pay the other 70% + my personal bills like cars.

Part of our joint "bills" is set amounts that are auto deducted from my account for savings into a mutual fund.

We set it up like this because when FI moved in with me the rent payment and other bills if split 50/50 would be more than he could make. As he makes more money we adjust same with me until one day hopefully it will be even. FI gives me his portion twice a month and I deposit it into my account and pay everything.

I love FI and would spend every last dime on him if he needed it, but I don't think I would feel comfortable having someone else know about every dime I spend or have someone spending my money free reign.

I usually pick up a lot of the extra expenses and we get groceries,dry cleaning, and nights out as needed. It has worked well for us. We don't plan on changing it.

WinstonsGirl · February 2014

We sound a lot like you. We both put in a set amount to a joint account each month for bills/mortgage, and the rest is separate. I like this, cos it's 50/50 and then I also don't care when he buys a new iPhone, iPad and Xbox within a couple of months. It's his money.

DH would prefer to add more to the joint than I do, or to pay more. He currently makes about double what I do, and will be an owner in his company this fall. He's currently a partner, and has since bought enough shares to become an owner. Basically, when that's fully paid off, he'll be making a shit-ton more than I do, and he wants to contribute more.

I get how your FI feels, cos I feel the same. I worry that he'll pay for everything and that I'll feel either like a kept woman or a gold digger, even though I'm not married to him for his cash. He know this too and wants it to be "our money". But as someone who is independent and used to paying her way, this is very hard for me to deal with.

On the other hand though, if I made more than he did, I'd have not problem sharing it with him and calling it "our money". It's all because I'm on the lower end of the cash and I don't want to take advantage of him/it or take it for granted. I feel that if I can't pay my 50% for trips and such, I should save up till I can afford it rather than him chipping in. He thinks that's dumb, that we should enjoy it together. It might happen, but it's something that's very hard for me to do

SammiNJonni · February 2014

As of right now me and FI have two joint accounts but in actuality they are separate. My paychecks go into one and his into another. We both contribute to one savings account that is labelled as the wedding fund and we are free to spend our own money. In case of an emergency we have access to the other account but always ask before using the funds. We do not live together but we will re-access when we do and split bills accordingly. I have student loan debt but he has no debt so I do not want him paying my loans.

phira · February 2014

One thing we're planning on doing when we're married, since I won't be throwing all of my non-rent/food money at the wedding, is that both of us will pay off all of our student loans together. He's got a lot more than I do (like, 8x as much), but if we both throw our money at all of our loans, they'll be gone in about 4 years. Legally, his debt is my problem, so once my debt is gone, might as well get rid of my "new" debt.

JaniV123 · February 2014

we have separate accounts and we just recently opened a joint checking/savings account for wedding things and for future things we will need to pay for.

Right now FI is the only one working and my share of wedding stuff will come from my savings. After I am done with med school I will be making more than him and since we are also getting a prenup well we will have some things together and others separate.

Kerigirl9 · February 2014

FI and I have separate accounts and will likely keep it that way after the wedding. Each month he pays the mortgage and I pay the utilities, cell phones, cleaning lady and miscellaneous expenses including larger purchases, vacations, etc. At the end of the month I tally up my expenses and his, divide the difference in half and one of us reimburses the other for the difference. I pay most of the time we go out (which is probably only once per month) and for probably 2/3 of the groceries since he pays an enormous amount of child support.

ashleyep · February 2014

I posted a similar thread a few months ago.

We've been working out the details, but FI isn't very keen on combining all of our finances. Right now we have a joint checking account that we put just enough in every paycheck to cover our rent and utilities.

I think we'll be combining our savings account once we're married, but even that he's nervous about. He thinks there will be resentment if I'm contributing more to savings to him (he has a stock purchase plan at work the he contributes a lot to). I'm the one that usually pays the bills or books the vacations and right now I'm writing the checks for the house we're trying to buy, so I've tried to explain to him that it's tedious having to ask him for his half of things all the time.

We'll each have individual accounts and credit cards and a joint checking and a joint savings account. I told him we'll reassess as necessary (like if one of us isn't working, if we have kids, etc)

phira · February 2014

@ashleyep Yeah, it sounds like combining finances a little more would be beneficial for you. A lot of folks have been saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," and I agree ... but it sounds a little "broke" for you right now.

I had to convince my partner to have a joint savings account for the wedding; he was really against it until he realized that 1) we couldn't make EVERY wedding purchase on our shared credit card (our venue only takes one credit card payment prior to the wedding), 2) I couldn't see his purchases on the shared card (but he could see mine), and 3) his complicated wedding Excel file was not actually helpful for me. If it's not working for one partner, then it's not working.

ashleyep · February 2014

@phira We've just been tracking expenses in a spreadsheet and he transfers half of the cost to me as necessary for wedding stuff (or me to him if that's the case). But sometimes I forget to update that he paid me, which is kind of annoying - but not really that big of a deal in the long run. We don't try too hard to be even on things.

We both have Capital One 360 savings accounts as well. We'll probably just roll his into mine and close his.

We have very different payment habits - I auto-pay my bills at the end of the month whereas he likes to pay off his credit card as he charges something. I like to auto-transfer money to savings on pay day, he likes a more manual process. So I think that keeping our individual checking accounts will work well for that. We can still manage our money as we prefer.

Not exactly an etiquette question but...

Re: Not exactly an etiquette question but...

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