Cutting people who got save the dates

tcnoble · February 2014

@Jen4948 that's not the first time I have read that... but for us, we have narrowed down our guest list and the people on it ARE the essential guests... so wouldn't everyone get one? I guess because so many are OOT we feel like they "need" the STD. No?

cowgirl8238 · February 2014

tcnoble said:

@Jen4948 that's not the first time I have read that... but for us, we have narrowed down our guest list and the people on it ARE the essential guests... so wouldn't everyone get one? I guess because so many are OOT we feel like they "need" the STD. No?

We did the same thing. Mainly because the guest list is immediate family and close friends only and everyone lives two states away. For us there was no way we didn't want to send them to these people as the day would be lacking without them.

But with that said, our venue holds more hten double our actual guest list and the cash is already in hand (no surprise budget drops for us) for everything. Now if we wanted to add anyone we still can as they would be local and newer friends of ours but they certainly weren't make or break guests.

kgd7357 · February 2014

I would probably hold ten invites and hope like hell that ten declines came in, then send them right away as they came in. May not be the right move, but if she is planning to do something crappy either way, it may be the lesser of two evils.

phira · February 2014

We're inviting about 135 people to our wedding and we sent save-the-dates to the majority of them (about 90). My family has 2 other upcoming weddings to schedule in, and a lot of them were asking about our wedding date.

We've also got a weird date situation. Our wedding is shortly before Thanksgiving (about 10 days). It's not just that we have a number of out of town guests; we also have a lot of guests who typically travel for Thanksgiving (including a lot of local guests who went to college here and moved here permanently; their families live elsewhere). Because of that, we wanted to give advance notice.

However, it's worth noting that 1) we didn't need to give SUCH advanced notice (we were honestly just tired of people asking us when our wedding was), and 2) we could have done it by email. But we wanted to send something because it made us feel fancy.

The 40-50 guests who did not receive save-the-dates are going to be invited (obvs) but just in case our budget hit a huge snag, we didn't want to be obligated to invite everyone.

sofakingmad · February 2014

kgd7357 said:

I would probably hold ten invites and hope like hell that ten declines came in, then send them right away as they came in. May not be the right move, but if she is planning to do something crappy either way, it may be the lesser of two evils.

This.

I wouldn't find another venue over 10 extra people. I know that you can get 100% attendance, but it's highly unlikely.

I know that's not etiquette friendly, but I think it will work out alright.

CrazyCatLady3 · February 2014

Inkdancer said:

CrazyCatLady3 said:

sarahufl said:

we did STDs because a ton of our guests are OOT. I made the mistake of mentioning to my mom that we didn't intend to send them to everyone and she made me anyway. There are a lot of people I don't want saving my date, which my mom did not care about.

Lol. Yeah, we are inviting to the max of our venue, so honestly if some people can't make it because they didn't get more than 3 months' notice (I am sending my invites out early since I didn't do STDs), I won't be at all upset. All close friends and family have already been verbally notified of our date.

Just a note: please don't send your invites a full 3 months in advance. If there are people who really need that much notice, call or send a note. Otherwise just stick to the 8 week guideline.

It is way too easy to lose an invitation, and you will not want to track down all the RSVPs that don't come in because people think "oh I have 2 months to send this back" and then never do.

I totally get what you're saying, but I feel like it's just as likely that people put the invites aside in a pile when they have 1 month to respond as opposed to 2. Some people are type A and will respond right away while some are forgetful and will wait and forget no matter how you slice it. I just want people to have the hotel info on the earlier side in case they need it without having to personally notify each person on our guest list or send out a mass email. We don't have a lot of OOT guests but some who are local may wish to book a room just so they don't have to worry about driving home after drinking.

MrsMarende · February 2014

Wow that is a bad situation any way you look at it.

I would start with non essential +1s and children

After that I would do as kgd7357 said and hold the remaining invites until you get some declines.

I think looking for another venue is unrealistic at this point, but just goes as a good lesson to all of us to check your contracts and confirm confirm confirm.

Jen4948 · February 2014

tcnoble said:

@Jen4948 that's not the first time I have read that... but for us, we have narrowed down our guest list and the people on it ARE the essential guests... so wouldn't everyone get one? I guess because so many are OOT we feel like they "need" the STD. No?

Well, even then, there might be people who are a little more "essential" than others. For example, your OOT aunt and uncle might need a save-the-date, but your next door neighbor, your book club members, or your co-workers might not. Me, I'd send them to my closest relatives and best friends, and probably just use word of mouth for everyone else.

huskypuppy14 · February 2014

Maggie0829 said:

tcnoble said:

@lnkdancer your comment makes me think you could give an answer to my question - our wedding isn't until 3/28/2015 but all but about 30 of our 170 guests are OOT... so we were going to send STDs in July sometime to give 8 months notice. Despite most of our guests being OOT, do we still follow the 8 week rule and send the invites mid January to give just about 2 months/8 weeks notice? Or do we need to follow maybe 10-12 weeks since so many are OOT?? We hope that once they get the STD they will book air and hotel, but worry that some may wait until the official invite is in their hands and not sure 8 weeks allows enough time - or is that THEIR problem? Help would be appreciated

I know you didn't ask me but I am going to answer anyways!

Still follow the 6-8 week guideline for invites. The STD is basically an informal invitation. If those guests want to wait to make travel arrangements until they receive the formal invitation then that is their issue. You gave them advance notice of your wedding and that they were invited so it is now up to the guests to decide what they are going to do.

I have never booked a hotel room or a flight until I have the invitation. I guess with all these brides that don't follow the etiquette rules of STD=invite (including FBIL and FSIL) you can never be too sure. Now a hotel room you can cancel, but who wants to book a flight and maybe be out money in case you don't get an invite.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

laurynm84 said:

Maggie0829 said:

tcnoble said:

@lnkdancer your comment makes me think you could give an answer to my question - our wedding isn't until 3/28/2015 but all but about 30 of our 170 guests are OOT... so we were going to send STDs in July sometime to give 8 months notice. Despite most of our guests being OOT, do we still follow the 8 week rule and send the invites mid January to give just about 2 months/8 weeks notice? Or do we need to follow maybe 10-12 weeks since so many are OOT?? We hope that once they get the STD they will book air and hotel, but worry that some may wait until the official invite is in their hands and not sure 8 weeks allows enough time - or is that THEIR problem? Help would be appreciated

I know you didn't ask me but I am going to answer anyways!

Still follow the 6-8 week guideline for invites. The STD is basically an informal invitation. If those guests want to wait to make travel arrangements until they receive the formal invitation then that is their issue. You gave them advance notice of your wedding and that they were invited so it is now up to the guests to decide what they are going to do.

I have never booked a hotel room or a flight until I have the invitation. I guess with all these brides that don't follow the etiquette rules of STD=invite (including FBIL and FSIL) you can never be too sure. Now a hotel room you can cancel, but who wants to book a flight and maybe be out money in case you don't get an invite.

This. Although we all know on here that STD = invite, not everyone does, and I wouldn't risk the airfare/hotel costs w/o an actual invite.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

laurynm84 said:

Maggie0829 said:

tcnoble said:

@lnkdancer your comment makes me think you could give an answer to my question - our wedding isn't until 3/28/2015 but all but about 30 of our 170 guests are OOT... so we were going to send STDs in July sometime to give 8 months notice. Despite most of our guests being OOT, do we still follow the 8 week rule and send the invites mid January to give just about 2 months/8 weeks notice? Or do we need to follow maybe 10-12 weeks since so many are OOT?? We hope that once they get the STD they will book air and hotel, but worry that some may wait until the official invite is in their hands and not sure 8 weeks allows enough time - or is that THEIR problem? Help would be appreciated

I know you didn't ask me but I am going to answer anyways!

Still follow the 6-8 week guideline for invites. The STD is basically an informal invitation. If those guests want to wait to make travel arrangements until they receive the formal invitation then that is their issue. You gave them advance notice of your wedding and that they were invited so it is now up to the guests to decide what they are going to do.

I have never booked a hotel room or a flight until I have the invitation. I guess with all these brides that don't follow the etiquette rules of STD=invite (including FBIL and FSIL) you can never be too sure. Now a hotel room you can cancel, but who wants to book a flight and maybe be out money in case you don't get an invite.

I still wouldn't book my airfare until I receive the invite even if I got an STD because many times when I go somewhere I don't book my flights until about 2 months out anyways (unless I was traveling around the holidays)

phira · February 2014

I also haven't booked anything until I had an invitation or confirmation from the bride or groom that yes, I would be invited. Generally, invitations get sent out 6-8 weeks in advance, and generally, that's when I book flights and hotel rooms for other stuff too.

tcnoble · February 2014

So as a guest to an OOT wedding you are okay with the 8 week notice and wouldn't want, say, an extra month's notice? Truth be told I have attended two weddings in my adult life and I was in one, the other we booked flights and hotel 6 months in advance after STD was received. So I just want to make sure we give the courteous amount of time/notice for our guests.

phira · February 2014

I mean, I wouldn't be annoyed at extra notice.

SP29 · February 2014

A large number of our guests were OOT for our wedding (some in Europe, another couple in Australia). We did not send STDs (I'm on the fence about them), so we sent our invitations out early (3.5 months early). We had a fair number of guests who responded ASAP, some within the couple weeks before our RSVP date, and some we still had to track down (oddly the majority of those guests were family). We figured the longer someone waits to book their airline the more expensive the flight will be and we wanted people to have the chance to get time off work if need be.

To the OP- if I were your friend, I'd try to work with the venue and double check the capacity max. Then hope to heck at least 10 guests decline. Cut +1s, consider cutting children.

antoto · February 2014

Yeah invite timeline sooo depends on where your guests are. If it's a hometown thing and pretty much everyone lives in the area, 6-8 weeks is great. When you have guests coming in from 4 different countries and all across the states like I am... 3 months is a bit more courteous.

KittyKaty20 · February 2014

I really wanted to get my invites out sooner, rather than later. Unfortunately, TK app, wedding planning page, and TK wedding planner ALL said "Send those Invites at the 3-month mark!" so I thought this was the norm.

After lurking a bit on the boards, I realized that was too early. Of course, I have already ordered, and received, our invites-which are printed with an RSVP for 03-29-14. (Wedding is 05-03-14.) I'm sending at the 10-week mark...if I wait until 6-8 weeks, the RSVP date would be super-close.

Sigh.

tcnoble said:

So as a guest to an OOT wedding you are okay with the 8 week notice and wouldn't want, say, an extra month's notice? Truth be told I have attended two weddings in my adult life and I was in one, the other we booked flights and hotel 6 months in advance after STD was received. So I just want to make sure we give the courteous amount of time/notice for our guests.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

tcnoble said:

So as a guest to an OOT wedding you are okay with the 8 week notice and wouldn't want, say, an extra month's notice? Truth be told I have attended two weddings in my adult life and I was in one, the other we booked flights and hotel 6 months in advance after STD was received. So I just want to make sure we give the courteous amount of time/notice for our guests.

Yes, 8 weeks is fine for me for a US wedding. We just booked flights and hotel on Monday for an OOT wedding on March 1st.

antoto · February 2014

KittyKaty20 said:

I really wanted to get my invites out sooner, rather than later. Unfortunately, TK app, wedding planning page, and TK wedding planner ALL said "Send those Invites at the 3-month mark!" so I thought this was the norm.
After lurking a bit on the boards, I realized that was too early. Of course, I have already ordered, and received, our invites-which are printed with an RSVP for 03-29-14. (Wedding is 05-03-14.) I'm sending at the 10-week mark...if I wait until 6-8 weeks, the RSVP date would be super-close.
Sigh.

tcnoble said:

So as a guest to an OOT wedding you are okay with the 8 week notice and wouldn't want, say, an extra month's notice? Truth be told I have attended two weddings in my adult life and I was in one, the other we booked flights and hotel 6 months in advance after STD was received. So I just want to make sure we give the courteous amount of time/notice for our guests.

Yeah, RSVP date should usually be 30 days before the wedding. Although I sent invites 3 months out so that everyone would have enough heads up, rsvp was 1 month out from the wedding.

This freaked me out at first because it could mean that some of them would have the invite for 2 months before the rsvp date and may lose it or something. But I have received every single response

TheGrimReaper · February 2014

Really? I've never been to a wedding where the RSVP is 30 days before. Ours is just over 2 weeks before. Our headcount isn't due until 10 days before.

Cookie Pusher · February 2014

We're scheduling our RSVP date for about a week before our final head count is due to the caterer so we have time in case people don't mail their RSVP out until the day it's due and then follow up with people we never get an RSVP from.

phira · February 2014

RSVP date THIRTY days before the wedding? That seems REALLY early. The ones I've seen are about 3 weeks.

KittyKaty20 · February 2014

Our wedding date falls less than 2 weeks after Easter, and I have quite a few friends/family who will be on Spring Break either the week before or the week after (depending on their school). I didn't want to try to chase people down on their holiday, so that's why we had our RSVP date so early.

My thinking was to wait a week after for any stragglers, then call, then I'd actually have final headcounts 2 weeks out.

huskypuppy14 · February 2014

TheGrimReaper said:

Really? I've never been to a wedding where the RSVP is 30 days before. Ours is just over 2 weeks before. Our headcount isn't due until 10 days before.

Pretty much every wedding I've been to had the RSVP date about a month before the wedding. The most recent wedding the RSVP date was 6 weeks before, but that's way early in my opinion. The standard for venues that I looked at were 2 weeks before the wedding needed the head count. So I think 3-4 weeks is appropriate for an RSVP date. Any longer is pushing it.

Also I've gotten wedding invitations 8-12 weeks before the wedding. With the exception of one, I've never gotten an invitation at just 6 weeks before.

Cutting people who got save the dates

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