Second shower etiquette

SJM7538 · February 2014

Hi ladies! I haven't posted in awhile... I was married back in October and have been away for a few months. But... I learned some great things on this board so I'm back for some advice.

My little sister is getting remarried next year. She was married in June of 2011 and it didn't work out. Her new fiancé is a wonderful man and my family loves him to death... He is her perfect match. So my question is... How appropriate is a second bridal shower?

Her first one is quite large... Probably around 50 or so people. I know her FMIL wants to throw her one and has asked if we want to go in and do one joint shower. I haven't provided an answer yet. I'm just wondering how appropriate this is? I know the wedding will be significantly smaller than her first one so in turn the shower will be smaller as well.

On a side note... Circumstances forced her to move back in with my parents and get rid of a lot of her stuff and her fiancé lives with his parents so essentially they are starting from scratch. She doesn't really have anything left from her previous marriage.

sarahufl · February 2014

Great that your sister is so happy, but I would totally side eye a second shower, especially so soon after her first marriage.

If his family wants to throw one, I would make sure to be sensitive to who is being invited and make sure it isn't a lot of the same people.

Inkdancer · February 2014

A second shower is a little strange. However, his family may absolutely host a bridal luncheon or dinner so that the families can get together and meet each other.

If it is her FI's first marriage, that makes the shower a little less weird. Just make sure they don't invite a lot of your sister's friends who were at the first shower.

SJM7538 · February 2014

sarahufl said:

Great that your sister is so happy, but I would totally side eye a second shower, especially so soon after her first marriage.

If his family wants to throw one, I would make sure to be sensitive to who is being invited and make sure it isn't a lot of the same people.

I was thinking precisely this. As much as I would LOVE LOVE to throw her another one, I was thinking of just offering to help FMIL as much as I can and keeping the people invited from my side small and just very close family.

LondonLisa · February 2014

SJM7538 said:

Hi ladies! I haven't posted in awhile... I was married back in October and have been away for a few months. But... I learned some great things on this board so I'm back for some advice. My little sister is getting remarried next year. She was married in June of 2011 and it didn't work out. Her new fiancé is a wonderful man and my family loves him to death... He is her perfect match. So my question is... How appropriate is a second bridal shower? Her first one is quite large... Probably around 50 or so people. I know her FMIL wants to throw her one and has asked if we want to go in and do one joint shower. I haven't provided an answer yet. I'm just wondering how appropriate this is? I know the wedding will be significantly smaller than her first one so in turn the shower will be smaller as well. On a side note... Circumstances forced her to move back in with my parents and get rid of a lot of her stuff and her fiancé lives with his parents so essentially they are starting from scratch. She doesn't really have anything left from her previous marriage.

I'm sorry, but I think it is far too close to the 1st marriage to have a shower. Generally, you do not have showers for second weddings, but you are talking about three years out which is gift-grabby. In theory, if FMIL wants to throw a shower with just her side of the family I think that would be ok, but I would definitely not invite anyone to this shower that was invited to her first shower. They already bought her wedding gifts quite recently. I realise that the situation might not be the best with regards to her first wedding, but that is not the gift-giver's fault.

Also, just because you mentioned it was a small wedding, a shower invite=a wedding invite.

Teddy917 · February 2014

I think a second shower is fine. Just because she was married once before doesn't mean that she should have to give up the parties if people want to throw them.

mbross3 · February 2014

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with a second shower. However, I agree with PP and would carefully consider who you invite. I don't necessarily side-eye a second shower, but I definitely agree that it should not be the same huge to-do it was the first time. If her FI's family wants to throw her one, I would accept and invite the WP and close family on your side, but I would be hesitant to send invites to everyone who attended (and probably gave a gift) at the last shower. That being said, if she has close friends attending the wedding, they probably want to celebrate with her, etc.

Have you talked to her about how she feels about a second shower? Is it something she wants? If it is, then I would do it, just as a smaller event. If she doesn't want a shower, she should express that to her FMIL

SJM7538 · February 2014

mbross3 said:

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with a second shower. However, I agree with PP and would carefully consider who you invite. I don't necessarily side-eye a second shower, but I definitely agree that it should not be the same huge to-do it was the first time. If her FI's family wants to throw her one, I would accept and invite the WP and close family on your side, but I would be hesitant to send invites to everyone who attended (and probably gave a gift) at the last shower. That being said, if she has close friends attending the wedding, they probably want to celebrate with her, etc.

Have you talked to her about how she feels about a second shower? Is it something she wants? If it is, then I would do it, just as a smaller event. If she doesn't want a shower, she should express that to her FMIL

I have asked her if she wants one. She said that she would like one, but wouldn't be sad and would understand if she didn't have one and that she wasn't going to ask someone to throw her one. And she understands that it would most likely be a smaller event.

Then I found out her FMIL wants to throw her one. So I was thinking it might be appropriate to do just what you suggested... help FMIL and only invite very close friends and family and WP

grumbledore · February 2014

I generally don't take issue with showers for second (or subsequent) marriages, but this is awfully close on the tails, and with such a huge shower the first time, I'd bet there are a lot of the same names on the potential guest list this time around. I'd probably decline if I had just attended in 2011.

I think if there aren't a lot of duplicate guests, it could be fine.

happymellow · February 2014

I completely side-eye second showers no matter the circumstance. I'm always happy someone has found happiness, but a second shower always seems greedy to me.

ei34 · February 2014

A second shower so close to the first would strike me as gift-grabby. If your sister's FMIL has her heart set on throwing her one, I wouldn't stop her, but if she asks for a guest list for your side of the family/sister's friends, I wouldn't give her names of anyone who'd attended the first one.

photokitty · February 2014

Have you or her FMIL asked your sister if she wants a shower? I didn't want a shower for my second wedding and it was 6 years after my first wedding (5 years after we got divorced). Etiquette wise there's nothing wrong with them, but some people will feel it's gift grabby…that's why I didn't have one.

CrazyCatLady3 · February 2014

Maybe this would be more palatable if it were a Jack and Jill shower?

Also, I agree with PPs that you shouldn't have anyone on the guest list who went to the 1st shower unless it's immediate family.

MyNameIsNot · February 2014

I wouldn't do a second shower in this circumstance. A second wedding where she didn't do the shower the first time around, sure. Or a second wedding where the first shower was small and long ago, ok.

But she just had a large shower a couple of years ago. That's a bit much. If it's the groom's first marriage, you could offer to help her FMIL with a shower for their side, but limit the bride's side to mother and sisters.

This is a case where a bridal luncheon could also be a good fix. I'm sure plenty of people would be happy to celebrate with her again, but with the gift aspect removed. If people want to do gifts again, they can, shower or no. It's not their fault she got rid of the last gift they got her.

MobKaz · February 2014

sarahufl said:

Great that your sister is so happy, but I would totally side eye a second shower, especially so soon after her first marriage.

If his family wants to throw one, I would make sure to be sensitive to who is being invited and make sure it isn't a lot of the same people.

Agreed.

AllyIdo · February 2014

Definitely check with her. I am getting married again six years after my first wedding and I was adamant that there not be a shower this time around.

MandyMost · February 2014

Teddy917 said:

I think a second shower is fine. Just because she was married once before doesn't mean that she should have to give up the parties if people want to throw them.

But a shower is a party SPECIFICALLY to get gifts. That's the whole purpose of the shower. If it's not about the gifts, it's called something else, like a bridal luncheon.

As a guest, if I got the bride a toaster and a set of glasses for her shower and wedding 3 years ago, I'm going to be thinking "what the heck happened to those gifts?". Honestly, I'd think it was incredibly tacky, and judge the whole family for being tacky.

But if the guest list doesn't overlap (except for you [her sister] and your mom, then I think that would be OK).

climbingsingle · February 2014

I would totally side-eye a second shower.

I'm a second time bride. I got married in 2004. There's no way I'm having another shower. My FMIL was dead set on throwing me one with just her friends. I asked her to then just do a luncheon with the people she wanted to invite.

s-aries8990 · February 2014

Is it the groom's first wedding? If it is, I wouldn't completely side-eye it.

I think that if her FMIL is dead set on throwing her one, keep it very small, mostly to the groom's family, WP, and VERY close relatives

jneen101 · February 2014

I would absolutely be annoyed at buying someone more margarita glasses if I had just purchased them 3 years ago. It's unfortunate that she sold all of the gifts people just gave her but no.

SammiNJonni · February 2014

I am also a second time bride. I eloped the first time in 2008 and did not have a shower. If I had even with seven years between weddings I would not have invited the same people from the first shower to the second one besides my mom and bridal party. If her FMIL wants to host a shower have it be for that side and add those closest to your sister but not everyone from the first shower.

I would wonder what happened to the gifts I gave three years ago if I was invited for a second shower for your sister.

AroundTheBlock · February 2014

It is absolutely proper for the groom's mother to hold a shower for your sister. Her connexions have never been asked to shower this particular bride before, and her son has never been married before, so there is no danger of "double-dipping" on that side. She should limit her invitations to her own kinswomen, since while it is fine for a family to "Pull together" to help outfit the new couple for married life, it is seen as "shameless" when family members try to raise support from people who are less closely connected.

On your side, people have already shown their support for your sister, and they might well feel exploited if you go back to them for another gift. But that being said, if some group of your sisters friends actively WANT to hold a shower for her, and limit their guestlist to ONLY those members of their crowd who share that desire to show support and generosity to your sister, there is absolutely no etiquette rule forbidding them from proceeding with their generous urge. Such a shower is likely to be small and intimate, which is how showers always were when I was a girl -- and we had a blast at them.

jnissa · February 2014

I would judge a second shower harshly, it's true. You don't have a second shower when you have a second baby. I think the same rule applies for weddings. That said, I have a cousin who did something kind of awesome so that people who wanted to gift an item for a shower could. She did a donation registry for an animal shelter and still had a "shower party" where people could donate to the shelter via a box on the table. You still get the social aspect of getting women together, but without looking like you're laying it down for gifts a second time.

PhoneCardLady · February 2014

I always thought it was wrong for the mother or MIL to give the shower, but a sister, aunt, cousin or the bridesmaids can, but it was not mandatory for one of them to give it.

SammiNJonni · February 2014

PhoneCardLady said:

I always thought it was wrong for the mother or MIL to give the shower, but a sister, aunt, cousin or the bridesmaids can, but it was not mandatory for one of them to give it.

It used to be considered wrong for a mother to host the shower. This rule has become more lax overtime and has almost disappeared, only some circles still follow it. Modern rule is that anyone other than the couple can host the shower.

ETA: Showers are never required.

lc07 · February 2014

jnissa said:

I would judge a second shower harshly, it's true. You don't have a second shower when you have a second baby. I think the same rule applies for weddings. That said, I have a cousin who did something kind of awesome so that people who wanted to gift an item for a shower could. She did a donation registry for an animal shelter and still had a "shower party" where people could donate to the shelter via a box on the table. You still get the social aspect of getting women together, but without looking like you're laying it down for gifts a second time.

It is inappropriate to solicit for donations to charity at any wedding related party.

Viczaesar · February 2014

jnissa said:

I would judge a second shower harshly, it's true. You don't have a second shower when you have a second baby. I think the same rule applies for weddings. That said, I have a cousin who did something kind of awesome so that people who wanted to gift an item for a shower could. She did a donation registry for an animal shelter and still had a "shower party" where people could donate to the shelter via a box on the table. You still get the social aspect of getting women together, but without looking like you're laying it down for gifts a second time.

That's not kind of awesome, that's awful and inappropriate.

MandyMost · February 2014

Viczaesar said:

jnissa said:

I would judge a second shower harshly, it's true. You don't have a second shower when you have a second baby. I think the same rule applies for weddings. That said, I have a cousin who did something kind of awesome so that people who wanted to gift an item for a shower could. She did a donation registry for an animal shelter and still had a "shower party" where people could donate to the shelter via a box on the table. You still get the social aspect of getting women together, but without looking like you're laying it down for gifts a second time.

That's not kind of awesome, that's awful and inappropriate.

I agree that that's inappropriate. There are about a gazillion ways to get together with friends and family at an event that is not ALL ABOUT GIFTS, like a shower. Have a luncheon, or an afternoon tea, or a regular old party. And don't beg money off of your loved ones.

BMoreBride6 · February 2014

because this is FI's first wedding, do you think they might consider more of a couple's shower so the focus isn't entirely on your sister?

SJM7538 · February 2014

Thanks for all the advice ladies! I want to give a quick update to your questions and our resolution...

Yes this is her fiancés first marriage. I actually talked my mom and apparently my sister wanted the wedding to be on the smaller side but her fiancés family really wanted a big to do because it's his first wedding, and the first in their family...
So my sister compromised and her fiancés family
Is paying for most of the wedding. So while it isn't as small as she originally wanted they came to an agreement on guest list size that everyone is happy with.

As far as the shower... My mom agrees that it is not appropriate to have another shower on our side and honestly she really can't afford it anyway since she paid for a huge chunk of my wedding 4 months ago and my shower. So we are going to help FMIL with the planning and the guest list from our side will be myself, mom mom, wedding party and very close friends that want to celebrate with her.

I did ask her if she wanted a shower and she said while she would like one she wasn't going to ask someone to host it and understood that she may not get one. So it worked out wine FMIL off reeds to host the shower.

I think that covers it. Thanks again

SJM7538 · February 2014

Sorry for the typos... Posting from my phone

Second shower etiquette

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