Twinning

themuffinman16 · February 2014

Ok, are there any other twins out there? Wondering if any other twins deal with jealousy from family or significant others. FI and I have argued about how close I am to my twin sister. I don't understand it. Now, to be fair, my twin sister is my soul mate. And I know it sounds weird, but I have heard other twins use that expression before... in fact I saw twins on Kathie Lee that described their relationship as just that. It is a closeness that is unparalleled by any other relationship in your life. We have EVERYTHING in common.

I LOVE my FI, but he will never have the closeness that sis and I share because he hasn't shared every moment with me my whole life. That doesn't mean we can't be super close, it just means we will never be "twin close." I always try to keep a good balance and share my time equally with FI and sis. I have dated many men before, and my closeness to my sister has always been an issue. And likewise for her. Her current man is more accepting of our relationship, but he still gets mad at me when they have disagreements. How in the world can I make my FI understand that I have enough love and enough room for my life for the both of them? To me that is as silly as getting jealous over children. Your love for someone like your sister or your children is COMPLETELY different from your love with your future husband/ spouse. And if you have more children, it does not diminish love from any other child, or your husband, or your sister, or mother. I love my FI, but in a totally different way than I love my sister. Why the jealousy? Why would he think that I could love each of them the same way, and why would he even want that? I really wish there was something I could say to him to ease his jealousy, and let him know that even though he isn't my twin, I CHOSE him. I would think that should mean something.

Tonight, I snapped at FI, after I felt he was not being appreciative of my sister, for hosting a shower for me. She is doing US a favor by holding a shower for me, and we should be considerate of her. It was our decision to have a big wedding, and it should not be anyone else's responsibility to pay for our extremely large guest list (shower). He said, "Why do you always think about her?" "Um because she is 7 months pregnant, has a bad back, and she has limited finances. I am being considerate and you should, too."

I know any woman who isn't a twin will probably find what I said as weird. Twins are raised differently. All your lives you are put together, until it becomes second nature. Then as adults, spending time together is what you choose. I deal with the jealousy with my family, as well. My family nor my FI should have any qualms with how I treat them. I am very generous with my love, I would give the shirt off my back to ANY of my loved ones, and I am very understanding. I would treat them exactly the same, if I didn't have a twin. But they see me with her, we never argue, we rarely disagree, we think almost the exact same thoughts, we finish each other's sentences, and it makes them think they don't have that. I don't understand how anyone would think they could possibly have that. All of my friends are a lot more understanding, and they say our relationship is because we are twins, and you can't get jealous of that. So why are people in my life getting jealous? It is who I am. I cannot change it. I find my relationship with my sister as something rare and beautiful. Why would you have anything against that? Well, that's my midnight rant. Just wondering if there were any other twins who shared this dilemma

artbyallie · February 2014

It's fine to love your sister, but a spouse is family by choice, not by birth, and you should never put a parent or a sibling before your spouse.

6fsn · February 2014

I'm not a twin so I don't understand. One thing that stuck out though " I LOVE my FI, but he will never have the closeness that sis and I share because he hasn't shared every moment with me my whole life." You and your sister have shared everything in your past, but your future is with this man. You will start to have more and more experiences with him and not your sister.

At this point I think he's just being a stubborn mule about this shower too.

emmyg65 · February 2014

I'm not a twin, but I do understand that twins often have special bonds. However, this caught my eye:

"I have dated many men before, and my closeness to my sister has always been an issue. And likewise for her."

If you each are repeatedly having issues in your romantic relationships because of your relationship with each other, that's a problem.

JaxInBlue · February 2014

Agree with PPs. As a non-twin, I don't understand a lot of what you share but it does seem to be that the relationship you describe is almost retrospective, rather than prospective. Certainly you and your sister shared many experiences growing up, but I would imagine that know your day-to-day lives are much different. She's pregnant, you're planning a wedding, just to start.

Is your FI your secret keeper? Is he your first call with significant news - good or bad? Is there a rush to share things with him but then to move on and include your sister? What unique experiences do you and your FI share that are wholly yours? I agree with 6fsn that as life experiences go, your FI is going to be the one there with you. He shouldn't feel that he is splitting his time with you with your sister.

NOLABridesmaid · February 2014

You have to remember that he fell in love with you and not your sister. It takes time to build closeness, and there shouldn't be a competition between him and your sister.

I think you guys need to talk about the twin issue in some type of pre-marital counseling to hash out feelings and expectations, because you both are coming from two different views on the subject.

mrsconn23 · February 2014

Neither I nor my DH are twins.

However, early in our relationship and marriage we had some issues on his end with my IL's and him allowing an over involvement from them and also having feelings of somehow 'owing' them for helping him out when he was a single parent. It took several conversations, some fights, and counseling for us to get through it and come to a place where we understood each other's feelings.

Before we worked it out, I was uber-resentful of him and them and it affected my relationship with and feelings toward my IL's. I can imagine your FI is having similar feelings.

Everything has worked itself out. I have a good relationship with my IL's. But we did almost divorce a couple times over the issue. So my advice is to get a handle on it now and work this stuff out. Your FI's feelings and concerns are valid and you've admitted this is a pattern that has caused issues in past relationships.

sarahufl · February 2014

I am a twin. So in a way, I get it. Although I feel like your statements err on the extreme side, I kind of understand.

BIL is sooooo understanding about the twinsey stuff. But I think it is because he and I were friends in college before he even met my sister. He goes out of his way to text me pictures of their daughter and to buy plane tickets for my sister when she is feeling down about us not living close to each other.

FI is a bit different. He likes my sister, but he doesn't know her nearly as well as I know my BIL. He has made comments in the past that I tend to be hyper-sensitive to the needs of my sister, more than other siblings. He doesn't have problems with it, just comments.

My sister is my person, for sure. But it is important to not let that affect your relationship with your FI.

themuffinman16 · February 2014

I try not to let my relationship affect my FI, but sometimes, he just makes really jealous comments. Like, if my sister calls me in the middle of the night, he gets really nasty. If my sister calls me in the middle of the night, it was for an extreme circumstance. Her MIL dying, her postpartum depression after her first born got really bad, or her step-daughter who got in her face and pushed her while she was pregnant, the last time. These were issues she could not talk to her FI about, because she either did not want to burden them, or they didn't see eye to eye. And every time during those few calls FI always made some comment, like it happened all the time. Those, to me, were emergencies esp. the postpartum depression. When he gets home, and if he sees I am on the phone with her, he just rolls his eyes. I understand I have to be there for him, too, but I find it unreasonable. Just because he comes home from work, does not mean I should be sitting around waiting for him. I could be doing laundry, cleaning, dishes, and nothing else makes him feel I am not giving him my attention, unless i am on the phone with my sister. And I do not talk for hours when he is home. I usually only talk 15-20 minutes. He even gets jealous when I go over to see her, and he has plans for the night. Like, I should just stay home and wait for him.

My sister is my primary secret keeper. We have a lot of family drama, and my sister is the one who I talk to about that. SHe's been through it, so she knows where I am coming from. Work related I talk to FI or sister. And our future, naturally I talk to FI about. I know my FI is my future, but so is my sister. I will have children with my FI, their names will be our decision. If Fi and I have a difference in raising them, I will talk to him first. I will also talk to my sister to see if i am being reasonable. My sister has no qualms about telling me something, if I am being rude, wrong, or bratty. She will also tell me when she thinks I have a point. I don't feel like I should give that up. I should be able to have it all.

I know there are some things that will be more for my FIs ears and less for my sister's. I know my FI will be a larger part of my life, and I am okay with that. I just don't feel like I should be treating my sister like anyone else's relationship with their sisters, because she is so much more than that. FI isn't really open with his family. He enjoys spending time with them, but he never really talks to them. I think that is why he finds our relationship so weird. If he were closer to his brothers and sisters, my relationship with my twin might make more sense (still unusual, but makes more sense). We will go to counseling over this, though. Maybe I need to know where I can scale back more, but he needs to realize we are more than sisters. We are sister and best friends.

AuntFlo · February 2014

Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking? This is why LisaLaura never got married.

themuffinman16 · February 2014

Who is LisaLaura?

emmyg65 · February 2014

Hmm, it sounds like you might have a FI problem, because he resents your sister. Have you guys considered premarital counseling?

themuffinman16 · February 2014

We are making an appointment to get this straightened out.

bethsmiles · February 2014

I can understand him being frustrated if you always discuss your disagreements with your sister. That just isn't appropriate IMO, some things need to be worked out just between the two of you - not you, him, and your sister. He might feel like she is too involved in your relationship, which is a reasonable way for him to feel if you go to her about everything.

I definitely think this is something that needs to be worked out in premarital counseling.

themuffinman16 · February 2014

I do go to her about a lot of things, but not everything. I agree, some things need to be between partners. But most times it is when FI and I are having problems finding a common ground. Some times my sister has agreed with me, and many times she told me I was making a mountain out of a molehill. It is a lot like venting on here. Sometimes, you just need perspective. I do not go to her for everything, but she is definitely someone I seek for advice.

I understand my FI will be playing a bigger part of my life, but he is not the only part of my life. He needs to understand that I need her just as much as I need him, but for different reasons. They fulfill different part of my lives

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

Your posts raise some red flags for me. The fact he's resentful of you being on the phone with her and you having plans with her when he has other plans are HUGE jealousy problems.

I'm glad you're going to counselling; it seems like you have some issues you two need to work out.

ETF typo

JCbride2015 · February 2014

Yeah counseling definitely sounds like a good idea. Fi has some jealousy issues. But I agree with PPs who said when you get married, your spouse needs to be your #1 priority, even over your birth family. I love the heck out of my sister, she's probably the person I'm closest to outside Fi. But Fi will be my H and life partner, and that relationship needs to come first.

As a side note, I am quite jealous of twins. I was a twin in utero and sadly, my mom miscarried my twin. We would have been fraternal and I would have had a twin brother.

As a toddler, I used to tell my mom about my "brother" who would play with me. I called him David, which apparently is what my parents would have named a son. They got so freaked out because I was talking about "David" all the time, they finally told me and I think I said something like, "Oh, well that makes sense. He's with God now." And never brought it up again.

themuffinman16 · February 2014

I see my twin two sometimes three days a week. But my FI is usually busy those nights. There have been two times, during her pregnancy, when I have gone to her house to help out, instead of making dinner for him. She has a bad back and her husband works two jobs, so she doesn't get much help. After the baby is born, she won't need my help as much. I admit it must be hard to have me help her and not be around, at times. If I were in that situation (and I will be if I get pregnant), I would think my FI would want someone to help me, if he couldn't. That is just who I am. If someone needs my help, I drop everything and help them (whether it was my dad, my mother, step-mother or sister). It is easy to do, now, because I don't have children of my own. But in a situation where FI could not help me, he should consider himself lucky that he has someone who will help us out.

FiancB · February 2014

I'm not a twin so take what I say with a grain of salt.

On one hand, it is a little alarming that this is a recurring issue for both of you, so maybe you are taking it too far. Your life has centered around her up til this point and it may be time to adjust to it centering around him.

On the other hand, he sounds really insecure and jealous. Families have strong bonds, especially twins, and he needs to respect that. It sounds like you have had perfectly good reasons to go help her or to take her calls in the middle of the night. It's not cool of him to be so offended by that. If you were constantly ditching plans with him to go hang out with her for no good reason, that would be a problem but it sounds like you're trying to time these things for when he's doing other stuff anyway, or when your sister really needs you, which is temporary.

I think that the counseling will be a good idea for sure.

Wzz · February 2014

i'm not a twin, and i take it neither is your FI. perhaps you need to speak with a couple's counselor so you can be reminded why you're choosing to marry this man, and not stay in a monogomous committed relationship with only your sister to share a life with.

Wzz · February 2014

really? the FI is the problem here? maybe a bit, but i'm seeing why.

emmyg65 · February 2014

Wzz said:

@emmyg65 - "
Hmm, it sounds like you might have a FI problem, because he resents your sister."

really? the FI is the problem here?

Yes, for a couple reasons. He gets annoyed if she goes out with her sister, even though he has plans anyway. He gets annoyed that she's there for her sister during unusual times of need. And he gets annoyed if she's been on the phone with her sister, even though he's not even home! Just sounds like a lot of resentment, which is not good.

I believe that you are who you are, and others can choose to accept that, or they can find another partner. A different example to avoid making this too personal for OP: My husband is a serious runner and triathlete. That means he spends a lot of time training and doing races. Sometimes, I'd like to spend some of that time with me, but he's busy. I have two options: Accept him for who he is. Or leave and find someone more compatible. Obviously, for me, it doesn't bother me that much. But I don't sit and simmer in resentment, or repeatedly ask him to run less, or otherwise hope he'll change.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

Wzz said:
really? the FI is the problem here? maybe a bit, but i'm seeing why.

Taking the twin part out of the equation, it's a problem that her FI is jealous that she makes plans when he already has plans, or that she is on the phone when he gets home. Those are red flags.

If her FI were saying this about her closest girlfriend, wouldn't our advice be, 'You have a FI problem'?

That being said, I do think OP and her sister need to set some boundaries with each other.

themuffinman16 · February 2014

I would not say that I am in a committed relationship with only my sister. I am in a very committed relationship with FI. There are just some things I do with my sister. As far as her being my secret keeper, I do not divulge all of my family secrets to my FI. It would not be fair for him to judge my family based on actions that happened years ago. (I have told him a lot but not everything). I would like to not bias his feelings towards my family. My sister is usually the one who helps me cope with them. She understands because she has lived through it. And when his family is more typical, he tends to be in shock when I ask for advice, and has no idea how to solve the issue.

I am sure I will complain about the woes of unruly teenagers with my sister, once I get there, as most mothers typically do. My sis confided in me that her FI forgot their anniversary. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. People vent.

I also share with her the good in my life, and the stuff that makes Fi perfect for me. Every funny joke he makes, when we have a blast at a party, when he teases me (we are pranksters) I tell her all of that. FI and I went to movies last night and had an awesome time and Cheesecake Factory after that. Usually the stuff I do with sis, FI won't do: cross country skiing, hiking, watching a chick flick, going to the mall, cooking. (He would do them, but would hate it... why not engage in activity with someone who enjoys it?) Fi and I will watch action movies, go out to restaurants, kayaking, go sledding, play board games with friends etc. I make room for both of them, and I always make sure I don't do something with sister that FI has been longing to do and vice versa. (Although I don't think FI should mind when I tell him I want to watch August in Osage County with sis).

Last night he was irritated with me when sis called, after the movie. I told him I was going to talk to her later probably about the shower, but he still rolled his eyes when she called. I can't help that I have events coming up where it is important to contact people with info on throwing me a party (invitations need to be ordered and sent in the next week and a half to give guests ample time to rsvp.)

I know there are probably ways where FI needs to come first, but he has to understand that I am still closer to her than any woman is with her friend/ sister/ best friend. Our relationship will not be exactly like everyone else's. I need to make him a priority, but he needs to understand that he needs to make room for her too. My sister's FI embraces me as an extension of their family, and while there are jealousy issues, at times, embracing me makes him closer to my sister. Sis's fi asks me about the perfect gift to get her, if I think something would upset her (I still know her better than he does, and he admits it), and he even asked me for her hand in marriage. I am really close to her FI. And while I continue to learn from what I should be doing as new role as future wife, I also wish my FI would see sis as an asset and not a threat.

We will be going to counseling, I am making calls, today. I know I am not always in the right, and I know he needs to be the major part of my life, but he won't be the only part. He needs to embrace her as an extension of our family. Accept her more, and I will stop feeling like a child in a custody case, torn between two people I obviously love. We need to reach a compromise of acceptable boundaries. I think, I am, for the most part being fair, though (maybe a counselor will tell me otherwise).

I NEVER answer the phone on date night, unless I know the reason of the call and it is a pressing issue (invites for shower and what his sis has said about joint or separate parties so I can give her correct guest list). If sis calls on date night a couple of times, I will answer, to make sure it is not an emergency. If it isn't, I get off the phone. Sometimes FI tells me, it is okay to talk to her, but I still get off the phone with her. So he knows I only answer on date night when it is something that needs to be resolved asap (can you watch the baby tomorrow, baby sitter cancelled, need guest list asap, can't take mom to doctor's, tomorrow, can you). Most are short 5 minute conversations, if it is urgent. Or the ride home from the restaurant, like last night. SO if he knows that, then why the attitude? Hoping to get to the middle of this and resolve this issue. If there are concessions I need to make, I will do it, but he needs to make concessions too.

themuffinman16 · February 2014

And to just mention, I told FI that sis was calling me, later on in the evening about the shower. It was an impromptu date night. So he knew I had matters that needed my attention, because I warned him earlier in the day. To get irritated when the call i knew was coming, came, is silly. I had warned him I had stuff to talk about for the party that evening. I went out with him anyway, because the call would not be coming until later in the evening. SO why get annoyed? I don't get annoyed when he is on call for work. It is his responsibility. Just as giving a guest list is my responsibility to my sis who is planning my shower.

Wzz · February 2014

you said that your twin sister is your soul mate in the OP. i can totally see WHY he is being jealous. hopefully you actually see a therapist to put things into perspective for both of you.

themuffinman16 · February 2014

She knows me better than Fi knows me, she knows everything I am thinking, without saying a word. She is who I would ask to help me carry a dead body. She is not my soul mate, she is more than that. I am just trying to put it into a perspective non twins can understand. I do not believe in soul mates for couples. I think it is just two people who really love each other who respect each other, and do thoughtful things for each other, and love one another unconditionally, and work at their relationship, every day.

Being a good couple takes effort because no two people are the same. You come from different households, different experiences, and you work together to build a home together. Relationships that go south with a couple is because either one person is doing all of the work, or neither one wants to put the effort into their relationship.

Being a twin is effortless. If you think it is the same, watch my sister and I prepare a huge meal in a small kitchen. It is like an orchestrated dance. We never get in each other's way, we always know what the other person is going to do, and we work together. (Maybe that's just how people cook when they both know how to cook). But we are like that with everything else. I am not saying my FIs relationship is less meaningful, but it takes work, as I think ALL relationships do (especially the ones you want to last). I just never had to work at my relationship with sis... it just came natural, to us.

Please don't think I am painting my FI in a negative light to say we have to work at it, if you want anything positive, you have to put positive into it (like your job, a hobby, education, kid's upbringing.) The only thing I know that takes no effort is my relationship with my sister, because everything we do is kind of the same, so there is no compromising, or making her see my side or vice versa. Our relationship just exists with little to no effort and it blossoms, regardless.

dharmabunny · February 2014

Wzz said:
you said that your twin sister is your soul mate in the OP. i can totally see WHY he is being jealous. hopefully you actually see a therapist to put things into perspective for both of you.

I'm leaning towards this, actually.

There's nothing wrong with a super close relationship with your twin at all.

But hypothetically, on paper/Word, with that last post OP posted, switch you for your FI, then your twin for his mama. Or just make up names and swap twin/twin for mama/son. Then read it as if it was some other poster on here.

How would you read that?

I think there's things the BOTH of you need to delve into.

themuffinman16 · February 2014

Okay, if I were a mama's boy, i would think that were bad. But girl's calling their mom's every other day, or every few days is not bad. Women talk more then men do. (It's why women live longer... they vent abut their stress).

I don't default to twin for my relationship. If FI asks me where do I want to eat dinner, I do not ask my twin. Wedding planning, I make with FI, I let twin know what we have decided, but that is not her place to make any wedding decisions. I do not consult twin in affairs of the bedroom, as I think that is definitely personal. I do not tell twin anything FI tells me in confidence. I do not tell twin about random disagreements with FI, unless I want her opinion if I am making a mountain out of a molehill. She usually sets me straight. Nothing has to be run by her before I talk to FI. if Fi and I have discussed any plans, future children, where we want to move, I tell her about it, though. As she told me when her and FI were thinking about starting a family. I would not ask sis if I were ready to have children with FI or how many children I should have. The only thing she needs to know is when she will be an aunt. And she has no input on what FI and I decide for future plans. I would like to live close to her, but she will not go house hunting with us, or chose the house we live in, etc. I would not want FI to take a job in another state, because I would like to stay close. I will not run my future job decisions or FI's job decisions by her. She is not a huge part of my plans with FI except that I would like to remain in the area. What I share with her is more important than how many conversations I have with her a week.

dharmabunny · February 2014

It's not the deets. It's the emotional ties.

Try again at the global view. Take that to premarital counseling, not to a bunch of interwebs folks.

Whatever decisions come to pass come to pass.

Wzz · February 2014

with all the backtracking and putting up your defenses, it isn't US you need to convince.

you want your FI to understand why the "twin" aspect of this relationship is so special, but you can't see why he's feeling like he's not getting part of your heart when generally, you give your whole heart to your life partner.

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