Okay. I will talk to someone about it, I just feel like my bond will be closer to my twin than most other people's bond with their mother. Same grade, same friends, no social interactions without each other (parents kept us together all the time), same room, shared presents and clothes. Whether it is natural for us to be this close or unnatural, it is a product of how we were raised. At least most children go to school and aren't with their parents all day, so there is some degree of separation and you learn at a young age that your mother won't be with you for all of your experiences. I know my twin won't be there for all of my experiences, but I would like her to be there for most of them. My FI knew this when he met me, I can cut back some, but I will always be that person who has that bond.
My sis and I went from living with each other to seeing each other 3 times a week, if we have plans (nephew's birthday, helping out, doctor;s appt) .Usually, I see her 1-2 days a week). I have cut my time with her a lot. To expect me to see her or talk to her like most people talk to their sisters would never happen. I need her as much as I need him, but for completely different reasons. He is my significant other, my future, and she is a part of me. When she went to school, she lived far away, and I became so depressed, I moved to her town. I talked to twins at my gym, and they told me they both got married and the one twin's husband realized his wife was depressed because of distance to sister. The house next to her twin went up for sale, and he bought it, and she never felt that way again. Yes I know that is an extreme example. I would like to live 20 minutes from her (we help each other a lot).
If he worked with my relationship instead of against it, we would be even closer. Making me feel like I have to chose, makes me feel like I cannot be myself, and I constantly have to budget my time. Working with me and accepting her role in my life, the chips will fall into place, like they have for me and my sister's FI. He considers me his friend, he calls me just to talk. (Now, i don't expect this from my FI, but accepting our bond would be a huge step) Accepting our relationship makes my sister and I feel like we can be ourselves, and not feel we have to strategically plan all of our time, conversations, etc. Again, I don't know if it is how I was raised, or just being a twin, but it is who I am. I will be mindful and respectful of my FIs feeling, but working against it instead of with it is the key to an even better relationship.
i don't understand how the hell close you two are that you have to keep talking about this bond, and how he is working against it, and how you cannot be yourselves. i mean really, are you listening to how this all sounds? yes you are close, but now it's almost to the point that something is off when you keep going on and on explaining yourself. it's also starting to sound like you're going to look for the therapist to take your side in this. ok, good luck!
i don't understand how the hell close you two are that you have to keep talking about this bond, and how he is working against it, and how you cannot be yourselves. i mean really, are you listening to how this all sounds? yes you are close, but now it's almost to the point that something is off when you keep going on and on explaining yourself. it's also starting to sound like you're going to look for the therapist to take your side in this. ok, good luck!
It seriously sounds like the beginning to the plot of a Lifetime Movie.
I do agree I need to let FI understand my relationship with sis, from my perspective. But she does not have my whole heart, my heart is shared. To say I have given my whole heart to my sister means I have left nothing for my FI. If I had no love to give him, why would I want to be with him? If I did not care for him and love him, I would not be marrying him.
What I am saying is if you have more than one child, you do not love each subsequent child any less. My love for my sister is like your love for your child. It is not saying she comes first. It is not saying I run decisions by her. It is saying there is a bond, and just because I get married, she will never be just a sister to me. When you have children you love them a different way than you love your husband. You and your husband are a team, I get that. But it does not diminish your love for your children. Your love exists on a separate plane, and cannot be measured the same. Your twin will never make your heart skip a beat, will never be the father of your children (sorry, west virginia), will never give you a new experience, every day, will never grow with you, will never chose to be with you every day you live those vows to the fullest. He has a place in my life, and she has a place as well.
I guess it is just a hard thing to explain to an anyone who is not a twin. Which is why my FI and I have problems in this area. I really do get defensive about our relationship, I am like that with FI. But I am saying work with it and not against it. I sound less like crazypants when people just understand it. If they don't understand, they probably can't. And I know I am not like everyone else. I know my relationship is different. I know it is unusual. But I don't think it is bad unless you treat it as a threat. I am doing the same thing to FI. Instead of working with me, he works against the relationship, and it creates tension. (Like I have obviously done here.) I do need counseling so I can work with FI on this as well, and we can't work with each other. I need to know what I need to let go of, what I need to embrace, and Fi needs to learn the same.
Well, I am not close to my dad, so I didn't naturally, reach for that relationship. It isn't the DNA that has made us close. It has been that she has always been there for me. FI and I broke up a long time ago, during a really hard time in my life. We have worked harder at our relationship since we have been together, but my sister was always there. My dad left me, my older sister left me, it has always been my twin sister, in my corner. She has always been there for me. I realize I need to give up some of my roles my sister has, if FI and I are going to make it. But he still needs to know, he needs to make room for her in my life. I need to not be so dependent on my sister, and be more dependent on my future husband. I depend on her far less than I usually do and worked a temporary job 1200 miles away for most of the year,(for 4 years of my life) but I am much happier when I get to see her more often. We have much more independent friends of each other, and she has her Fi and I have mine. So when I don't give you the whole story, i do sound like a basket case. But as much as we have grown into our own lives, we still love to be together.
FI and I have argued about how close I am to my twin sister. I don't understand it. my twin sister is my soul mate. I have dated many men before, and my closeness to my sister has always been an issue. To me that is as silly as getting jealous over children. My love for my sister is like your love for your child. Being a good couple takes effort because no two people are the same. Being a twin is effortless.She is who I would ask to help me carry a dead body.I LOVE my FI, but he will never have the closeness that sis and I share because he hasn't shared every moment with me my whole life. SO why get annoyed?
-sincerely, winning at twinning
THESE ARE ALL LINES TAKEN FROM POSTS THROUGHOUT THIS THREAD.
"FI and I broke up a long time ago, during a really hard time in my life. "
maybe you dont trust your FI, and he senses that. and you use the relationship you have with your sister when you need someone you trust. that's not a twin thing.
Ok, when you take my sentences and arrange them out of context, it is very misleading. I will never take your comments and assemble them how I want. If people want to read my comments, they can look at my post. Not seeing my statements in the context intended is very manipulative. I don't care if you judge me from what I say, but please don't take what I say out of context. Everything I have stated had reasons. To put it without the rest of the context would be like saying, "I do not care if I have children. I may not be able to have my own children, so adopting would be fine." You post, "Muffinman says, 'I do not care if I have children.'"
I agree, I may have some underlying trust issues, because I have, at one time, been hurt by one person or another in my life. Seeing that in black and white makes me realize even though I have moved on since our previous breakup, I am still letting it affect my choices. I will bring this up in counseling as well. If i am over it, I need to be truly over it.
I guess it is just a hard thing to explain to an anyone who is not a twin. Which is why my FI and I have problems in this area. I really do get defensive about our relationship, I am like that with FI. But I am saying work with it and not against it. I sound less like crazypants when people just understand it. If they don't understand, they probably can't. And I know I am not like everyone else. I know my relationship is different. I know it is unusual. But I don't think it is bad unless you treat it as a threat. I am doing the same thing to FI. Instead of working with me, he works against the relationship, and it creates tension. (Like I have obviously done here.) I do need counseling so I can work with FI on this as well, and we can't work with each other. I need to know what I need to let go of, what I need to embrace, and Fi needs to learn the same.
*stuck in the box*
Nope, I am a twin. I defended this early on in this thread, but I am starting to think you have more issues you need to contend with. You and your fiance need to see a counselor. He should SUPPORT your relationship with your sister, but this is starting to just sound strange to me. My sister and I are incredibly close. Always have been, but I have never described our relationship like this. I think you need to figure some stuff out.
I do agree I need to let FI understand my relationship with sis, from my perspective. But she does not have my whole heart, my heart is shared. To say I have given my whole heart to my sister means I have left nothing for my FI. If I had no love to give him, why would I want to be with him? If I did not care for him and love him, I would not be marrying him.
What I am saying is if you have more than one child, you do not love each subsequent child any less. My love for my sister is like your love for your child. It is not saying she comes first. It is not saying I run decisions by her. It is saying there is a bond, and just because I get married, she will never be just a sister to me. When you have children you love them a different way than you love your husband. You and your husband are a team, I get that. But it does not diminish your love for your children. Your love exists on a separate plane, and cannot be measured the same. Your twin will never make your heart skip a beat, will never be the father of your children (sorry, west virginia), will never give you a new experience, every day, will never grow with you, will never chose to be with you every day you live those vows to the fullest. He has a place in my life, and she has a place as well.
Fine, 'in context' if you insist. It makes no sense to compare love for a husband and children to love for a husband and sister. Children are a shared part of their parents' hearts, whether they are biological or not. You are starting a new family unit with your fiancé, to which children may someday be added, and your sister is not part of that. Keeping secrets with her from him strikes me as highly inappropriate. My husband knows secrets I share with no one else. I only keep secrets from him when it's something like a gift for him.
Your fiancé obviously has faults in this situation as well, of course. I agree with PPs that both of you should consider counseling.
This isn't I hate FIs best friend secret (hypothetical), my secrets have nothing to do with our life... it is in the past. These are intense family secrets that I wouldn't repeat to anyone besides my sister or a therapist.
Okay, yeah, I defended this at first and I'm out. I may not be a twin but I do understand needing a sister for a confidante- my family is crazy and my sister that's 11 years older is a great mediator and person to rant to. She may not be my twin but she's significant in another way. When I was little I thought I had two moms, since she's much older, and she's been my guide through my life that I can relate to much better than my parents.
The emphasis on your FI relationship being work and your sister relationship not being work is a little alarming. It sounds like maybe you think SOs are interchangeable as long as you put the work in. Do relationships take work? Yes... and no. So long as you continue treating each other with respect, it really shouldn't be difficult. It sounds like it may be in your case, and that doesn't have a whole lot to do with being a twin.
My FI knows many things about my childhood. I don't go into great detail, though. I don't even talk much to my sister about our childhood; she was there.
When I say you have to work at a relationship, any effort is more than the effort I have to put in with my sister, If you are working too hard, though, that is not a relationship you should be in. Every relationship deserves to be nurtured to grow. My relationship with FI is not difficult, we don't have to work on our relationship all the time, when we disagree, we do have to see if from the other person's perspective. And we talk about it, so we can see where the other is coming from. My relationship with my sister is just another extension of who I am. We are almost exactly the same. If we disagree, she knows why, without me saying a word. Sis just knows me on another level.
Sure I laugh at Christmas presents my FI gives me, when he gives me anything leopard print. (Not Fran Drescher). It doesn't make him a terrible person, it actually is quite funny the little things he doesn't know about me. My sis gives me a present for Christmas, and I open it up and start laughing, because it is the exact same gift I gave to her. One time my sister and I went out to a bar, and she had on the same exact shirt, the same jeans, and the same boots, that night, as I did. She took of her jacket and we were laughing our asses off, because it was totally not planned (We hated being put in the same exact clothes, as kids... that's what made it even more funny). Just because I don't have those exact moments with FI does not mean we are not close or I do not love him. I was just giving you an example how being a twin is just a part of you. If I weren't a twin, I wouldn't be who I am, I would be someone completely different.
Fi and I have a shared sense of humor. His sense of humor is why I fell instantly in love with him. On the worst day of his life, he will crack a joke (exactly what I do), just to lighten the mood. He loves his family. They do not have heart to heart conversations, but he enjoys spending time with them. He would take the shirt off his back for anyone (which is what made me want to spend the rest of my life with him.) He will drop everything to help someone. He doesn't care what others think, he will be a huge dork and have so much fun (I am the exact same way). The thing that makes him different is we have to communicate to know each other. I would think that is everybody. I have had several boyfriends before I found the one. I do not think men are interchangeable. I enjoy discovering more about my FI every day. Different from twin does mean bad, bad means bad. Sure I love my relationship with my twin, but to say I can't love something that is different, is wrong. I wouldn't need my FI if my relationship to my twin gave me everything I ever needed. I need so much more, and I never knew I needed it until I met him.
When I first saw the title of this thread, my initial mental reaction was 'twins freak me out so badly', as they do. Now, having read all of this, they freak me out more. This is some straight Ursula and Sabina Eriksson shit here.
When I first saw the title of this thread, my initial mental reaction was 'twins freak me out so badly', as they do. Now, having read all of this, they freak me out more. This is some straight Ursula and Sabina Eriksson shit here.
I am a twin. And I am perfectly normal Don't let this (admittedly VERY STRANGE) post deter you from hanging out with us freaks! I love my sister more than most people and we have always been incredibly close.
I, however, have never felt like OP. And if I did, I would certainly not admit it.
Re: Twinning
i don't understand how the hell close you two are that you have to keep talking about this bond, and how he is working against it, and how you cannot be yourselves. i mean really, are you listening to how this all sounds? yes you are close, but now it's almost to the point that something is off when you keep going on and on explaining yourself. it's also starting to sound like you're going to look for the therapist to take your side in this. ok, good luck!
Your relationship with your sister is unhealthy.
And your relationship is subject to different rules than everyone else's relationships in the world because, shared womb and DNA.
dear prudie,
FI and I have argued about how close I am to my twin sister. I don't understand it. my twin sister is my soul mate. I have dated many men before, and my closeness to my sister has always been an issue. To me that is as silly as getting jealous over children. My love for my sister is like your love for your child. Being a good couple takes effort because no two people are the same. Being a twin is effortless.She is who I would ask to help me carry a dead body.I LOVE my FI, but he will never have the closeness that sis and I share because he hasn't shared every moment with me my whole life. SO why get annoyed?
-sincerely, winning at twinning
THESE ARE ALL LINES TAKEN FROM POSTS THROUGHOUT THIS THREAD.
"FI and I broke up a long time ago, during a really hard time in my life. "
maybe you dont trust your FI, and he senses that. and you use the relationship you have with your sister when you need someone you trust. that's not a twin thing.
I, however, have never felt like OP. And if I did, I would certainly not admit it.