Sister - cash bar and cash meal!

tesskerr · February 2014

So my sister is getting married in October, and I asked how much her venue was per head. She said is was $45 for a buffet, but they are going to get guests to pay for their meals. She then mentioned that they will supply 1 or 2 glasses of bubbles though.

So not only will most guests have to travel (a short flight), they have to pay for a hotel, a meal and their drinks!

How am I even related to this person? She is the kind of girl who will think that it is a privilege for guests to be invited to her wedding, so they should be happy to even get an invite. So there will be no talking her out of it. In actually really really embarrassed for her (and our family).

She was talking about hiring chairs because she doesn't like the ones at the restaurant (a cost of $400+) so that could pay for 9 guests meals... I'm sure she could find the money in her small budget at least to pay for the meals... Arg! (Cash bars are not uncommon at all in my country, but the meals thing is gross I think).

This was more of a rant rather than anything, but if anyone had any advice for me to try and talk to her about this...

jneen101 · February 2014

How is everyone paying for their meals? They pay when they get there? Do they know they have to pay for a meal? This is preposterous.

photokitty · February 2014

Send her here - we'll tell her so you don't have to.

Amyzen83 · February 2014

Euch! Sounds like a trainwreck waiting to happen! My advice? Send her here pronto! We'll set her straight!

Jen4948 · February 2014

She's insanely rude. I think she could use a heads-up not to be surprised if the vast majority of her guests, if not all of them, walk out of her wedding rather than paying for their meals and drinks.

Amyzen83 · February 2014

Not sure if you are married or engaged but if you are planning your wedding you could show her how it's done!

MNVegas · February 2014

What was your response when your sister said this to you? If someone I knew said to me they were going to ask people to pay for their own meals, I'm sure I would say "are you effing crazy!".

sofakingmad · February 2014

Personally, I'm pretty lax when it comes to certain wedding faux pas, but I would leave your sister's wedding reception if I was asked to pay for my meal.

aurianna · February 2014

Wow. Normally I'd say it's rude to point out to others when they are being rude... but this is your sister. I would sit down with her and tell her that the reception is a thank you to the guests for coming to the ceremony and making them pay is not a thank you. Tell her that 95% of the guests would rather have a simple, inexpensive meal (like BBQ or a simple pasta) that was hosted rather than a fancy meal they have to pay for it. Mention it's rude and people will talk about her behind her back even if they don't say anything to her face.

If she can't be swayed... I'd probably let it slip to the family blabbermouth that food won't be paid for (if she isn't going to just put it right on the invite) so that people are warned before they RSVP.

tesskerr · February 2014

I was actually wondering how we are going to pay for our meals.. Send her the money in advance? Will she ask for checks in the mail on the invites?

The problem is her FI family are (this is so mean) very tacky, and they will think this is a great idea, and may have even suggested it themselves, so she will have all these people backing her up.

My FI and I have waited years to get married (bought a house, had a baby etc, always something expensive coming along!), because it has to be done properly, and hosted properly, and I think she thinks my FI and I are snobs who want to show off "how much money we have" (not true, we just both work, my sis is a SAHM).

There are so many ways of having a cheaper wedding, I should know, I have looked in to it many times when I have got tired of waiting and saving for my own. I feel so frustrated!

tesskerr · February 2014

My response was "oh, right". She was at my house, hosting a sip n see for me, FI and our 5 week old baby, so I didn't feel it was the right time to call her rude. She hosted that party really well... I just don't understand why her own wedding is different? I might ask her if the restaurant has a cheaper option, skip dessert and just have wedding cake...

NYCMercedes · February 2014

tesskerr said:

I was actually wondering how we are going to pay for our meals.. Send her the money in advance? Will she ask for checks in the mail on the invites? The problem is her FI family are (this is so mean) very tacky, and they will think this is a great idea, and may have even suggested it themselves, so she will have all these people backing her up. My FI and I have waited years to get married (bought a house, had a baby etc, always something expensive coming along!), because it has to be done properly, and hosted properly, and I think she thinks my FI and I are snobs who want to show off "how much money we have" (not true, we just both work, my sis is a SAHM). There are so many ways of having a cheaper wedding, I should know, I have looked in to it many times when I have got tired of waiting and saving for my own. I feel so frustrated!

Hey, tesskerr, most SAHM's work!

indianaalum · February 2014

If it was my sister, I would seriously TELL her she shouldn't do that. She needs to hear it from someone she loves. If she doesn't listen, that's on her, but you should at least try to talk some sense into her.

tesskerr · February 2014

@NYCmercedes I have a baby as well, who I look after all day, then I go and work 6 hours in the evenings, with no break, as well as a 12 hour day on Saturday, my FI works 60 hours a week, as well as looking after our 5 week old when I am at work. So let's not turn this into mommy wars, no matter what your situation as a mum, it's really hard, and we all work hard and what ever we have decided to do.

I was mentioning it for the sake of her extra income vs my extra income. My FI and and have a whole extra lot of wages to spend on a wedding, where as her and FI budget is a lot tighter, so any convo we have about money, she is going to think I don't understand because FI and I are "rich". It will be hard for me to call her out on being rude, when it is easier for FI and I to afford it.

tesskerr · February 2014

I think I am just going to have to grow some balls and tell her!

I know she has worked hard to make it as cheap as possible, got her dress online from china (it is beautiful), she is doing her own hair, ill do her makeup, she will DIY everything, no honeymoon...

BMoreBride6 · February 2014

I'd talk to her for the sake of other guests. Can you imagine how mortified someone would be to show up and she asked for $45 that they didn't have! Do they just not eat? And $45 for a buffet...if I'm paying $45 for my own meal (which I would NEVER spend on a single meal) I sure as hell will be choosing my own food.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

So she doesn't want anyone to come to her wedding. Because that is what will happen if she charges her guests an admission fee.

TheGrimReaper · February 2014

Count me in as part of the crowd who would RSVP no and send no gift (if it's on the invite) or (if not) would get up and walk out and take my gift with me.

Cookie Pusher · February 2014

This would be my RSVP...

FiancB · February 2014

OMG! A cash bar I can deal with but that is hellz to the no. Is she letting people know this ahead of time on the invite?

And where the hell does a buffet cost $45/pp?

crackktheskyy · February 2014

I hope they accept all major credit cards!

huskypuppy14 · February 2014

FiancB said:

OMG! A cash bar I can deal with but that is hellz to the no. Is she letting people know this ahead of time on the invite?

And where the hell does a buffet cost $45/pp?

I'm having stations (so a fancy buffet) and it's 95 dollars a person (not including open bar). I would kill to find a buffet for 45. If it's at a wedding hall or ballroom or something in my area, it's going to be above that.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

TheGrimReaper said:

Count me in as part of the crowd who would RSVP no and send no gift (if it's on the invite) or (if not) would get up and walk out and take my gift with me.

Me Too!

I would definitely leave and go out to dinner to a nice restaurant with my FI.

jenna8984 · February 2014

FiancB said:

OMG! A cash bar I can deal with but that is hellz to the no. Is she letting people know this ahead of time on the invite?

And where the hell does a buffet cost $45/pp?

You must live in a lower cost of living state. My buffet is $52 pp in New England. And that's kind of a steal around here, get any closer to Boston and it's instantly 75+

sarahufl · February 2014

This is a new one. I take much less offense at paper napkins and not giving my cousin a +1, which some people think is a serious error. I would never, ever pay for my meal at a wedding.

SammiNJonni · February 2014

I would not attend if I was expected to pay for my own meal. Please send your sister here.

pinkshorts27 · February 2014

Is it possible that she meant "they will pay for their meals" as in, they will give gifts big enough to pay for their meals? Like the cover your plate gift thread?

MrsMarende · February 2014

You should recommend to your sister that she check out the forums at theknot for advice on the best way to get the meal payments as well as wording on her invites, then sit back and watch.

ei34 · February 2014

Send your sister here, it might be good to hear it from non-family members.

My hubby's family is tacky- one of his sisters had a cash bar at her wedding, and then two years later, at her son's baptism, all the guests arrived at the restaurant after church to be told by her "okay the dinner package we selected is $20pp". The wedding was in 2010 and baptism in 2012 and to this day both leave a bad taste in my mouth. Your sister can't do this at her wedding. At the very least, she should warn guests in advance- I'll bet she has a 90% decline rate!

LondonLisa · February 2014

Depending on your relationship, could you strategise with your mom about it? I don't think you guys should gang-up on her, but if the two of you have an intervention-style "we love you and want people to come to your wedding but if you charge, you are going to have mostly declines and, worse, lose friendships. Let us help you plan something in your budget (cake and punch/ brunch/ dessert etc)." Don't be accusatory or angry, and make it clear you are coming from a place of love.

Also, what happens if the people don't bring credit cards or cheque books to a wedding? I usually just take a small amount of cash to a wedding and would be out of luck if I had to pay for dinner!

Liatris2010 · February 2014

How is this even possible? We had to pay for all of the catering before the wedding happened. Are they asking people to include checks with their replies, because I'm guessing they are going to get a lot of declines.

Sister - cash bar and cash meal!

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