Something just doesn't add up about this post. It makes no sense to try to keep something discreet then announce it in one's local newspaper. OP, perhaps they never intended the civil ceremony to be on the DL in the first place and always intended for it to be a public fact? You and the couple may have differing opinions on the subject, but that doesn't mean they didn't have some legit reason to make decisions they found best for their situation. I think at worst this is a case of miscommunication. There's nothing to be disappointed about, your travel experience will still be the same. Unless you're now going to shade it, and in which case, change your plans and decline the invite, that would be best for everyone involved if you aren't going to enjoy yourself.
I have no idea what their intentions were. That's why I posted to ask if what they did is customary.
This is one of my best friends, I am a bridesmaid, I got an invitation to her "wedding" in another country, and I found out via the newspaper that she and her husband were actually married last weekend.
Yes, obviously there is a miscommunication somewhere because I thought I was attending her wedding, but apparently her wedding already happened without me.
I am very disappointed. I was looking forward to their wedding. If the bride had said to me, "Hey, we're having a private ceremony in the states and then you're invited to a great party in South America," I would have had no problem with that. But I don't know if I would have booked a $2,000 trip that required FI and I each to take 3 days off work. A wedding is special.
I am still going to go, and I don't think I will say anything to her. I am hurt though, and I would be lying if I said this didn't put a damper on our friendship.
So one of your "best friends" asked you to be in her wedding, then had an obviously public civil ceremony announced in a newspaper, and the two of you have never had a conversation about any of it? I think there are larger issues here than your disappointment. Because this is all sorts of squirrelly.
i have to agree with you there. I would think "we have to get married at city hall before we leave to make it legal" would have come up at some point in conversation. I was in a DW...and i knew everything that was going to happen. I know that my friend considered doing that but decided against it, because she ran it by her cloeset friends and family to see what they thought about it first. How big of a wedding party are we talking about here? I mean are there 15 of you? I would think that with the standard amount of BMs they would all be in the know.
Also, i really want to know where in South America this wedding is, and how it's only costing $2k for two people to fly there and be there for 5 days. I want to go to there.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt she announced it in the paper. It was probably in the public records section. Marriage licenses, divorces, estate settlements, etc are printed.
I went to an OOT PPD with a full on Catholic Mass here in the sates- it was only 2hrs away and the couple was upfront about the fact that they were already married. I am not sure if the church knew they were already married, because I doubt they would allow them to have a full mass as if they were not.
However, I doubt I would take vacation time and spend all of that money to go to a PPD in South America. I absolutely would not this year since I am saving vacation time and money for my won wedding and honeymoon.
I didn't read all of the replies, but I wanted to comment on the Catholic aspect. It is not unusual to have a full mass for a covalidation, so I am guessing if the couple was upfront with their guests they were also with the church. The ceremony and Rite of Marriage is the exact same because this is when the couple becomes validly married in the eyes of the Catholic Church. While in general these events are lower key (less guests, no white dress, 2 witnesses instead of a big wedding party, etc), it is really up to the discretion of the priest and the couple.
Also this ceremony can be held during a regular Sunday mass or after, but so can a wedding ceremony. I also want to note a covalidation is meant for Catholics who for whatever reason got married outside of the Catholic church, and then later had a reversion of sorts and have decided to practice their faith and want their marriage to be recognized as valid by the church. It is not meant for couples who want the legal benefits first and then the spiritual benefits later. As previous posters mentioned because in the US priests can legally marry people, there is no reason to have the legal and spiritual events separated. I know in other countries this is not the case so maybe this is why OP's friends priest is okay with their plan. However, I too would be dissapointed and annoyed to be spending money to travel for the couple who already got married in the US.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt she announced it in the paper. It was probably in the public records section. Marriage licenses, divorces, estate settlements, etc are printed.
I agree with this. I know my mom and aunts read the public records daily to see if anyone got a marriage license, bought property, died or got arrested. True story.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt she announced it in the paper. It was probably in the public records section. Marriage licenses, divorces, estate settlements, etc are printed.
I agree with this. I know my mom and aunts read the public records daily to see if anyone got a marriage license, bought property, died or got arrested. True story.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt she announced it in the paper. It was probably in the public records section. Marriage licenses, divorces, estate settlements, etc are printed.
I agree with this. I know my mom and aunts read the public records daily to see if anyone got a marriage license, bought property, died or got arrested. True story.
Confession: I do too (though not everyday).
I think that is another reason why lying about paper weddings is silly. Marriage licenses are in most, if not all, states a matter of public record. Many people I know read those in the paper.
You can easily do a search on any couple you know getting married to see if they are already married.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
If the country is one of the ones where having a religious ceremony requires you to first have a legal ceremony I can kind of understand it. But they are choosing to have a DW when they could have had the ceremony done in the states and meet both the legal and religious requirements in one. This is what I do not understand. If the religious ceremony is the important part why are they having a DW to have it.
I agree! Why bother to go through all of the hoopla to travel? OP did mention that the bride has family in this other country. So, I'm assuming it was important for her to be near those people for the ceremony. So, if that is the case, why not tell people that? Why not come out and say "It's important for me to have a ceremony with my family in So. America, but for x,y,z reasons, I have to make it legally binding in the US before we go. I hope you understand and will still attend." That way, people can say "Yes, I'll still come because I support you", "I'd love to come, but I really can't afford to do this if it's not the actual wedding" or "I don't want to come for x,y,z reason." It's not fair to the guests to have their free will taken away from them to make an important decision, such as spending $2000. However, it's quite apparent to me that DWs are quickly becoming popular because it just seems neat for the pictures rather than there being any significance behind it.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt she announced it in the paper. It was probably in the public records section. Marriage licenses, divorces, estate settlements, etc are printed.
Oh no! It was a big ol' wedding announcement complete with photo. That's why I think it just must not have crossed their mind that there was anything potentially unusual or rude about this plan.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt she announced it in the paper. It was probably in the public records section. Marriage licenses, divorces, estate settlements, etc are printed.
Oh no! It was a big ol' wedding announcement complete with photo. That's why I think it just must not have crossed their mind that there was anything potentially unusual or rude about this plan.
I went to an OOT PPD with a full on Catholic Mass here in the sates- it was only 2hrs away and the couple was upfront about the fact that they were already married. I am not sure if the church knew they were already married, because I doubt they would allow them to have a full mass as if they were not.
However, I doubt I would take vacation time and spend all of that money to go to a PPD in South America. I absolutely would not this year since I am saving vacation time and money for my won wedding and honeymoon.
I didn't read all of the replies, but I wanted to comment on the Catholic aspect. It is not unusual to have a full mass for a covalidation, so I am guessing if the couple was upfront with their guests they were also with the church. The ceremony and Rite of Marriage is the exact same because this is when the couple becomes validly married in the eyes of the Catholic Church. While in general these events are lower key (less guests, no white dress, 2 witnesses instead of a big wedding party, etc), it is really up to the discretion of the priest and the couple.
Also this ceremony can be held during a regular Sunday mass or after, but so can a wedding ceremony. I also want to note a covalidation is meant for Catholics who for whatever reason got married outside of the Catholic church, and then later had a reversion of sorts and have decided to practice their faith and want their marriage to be recognized as valid by the church. It is not meant for couples who want the legal benefits first and then the spiritual benefits later. As previous posters mentioned because in the US priests can legally marry people, there is no reason to have the legal and spiritual events separated. I know in other countries this is not the case so maybe this is why OP's friends priest is okay with their plan. However, I too would be dissapointed and annoyed to be spending money to travel for the couple who already got married in the US.
Thanks for the background. It's in a resort town that I think does a fair amount of DW business, so I imagine the priest may be a bit more lenient because of that.
misshart00 said:
Sars06 said:
misshart00 said:
Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt she announced it in the paper. It was probably in the public records section. Marriage licenses, divorces, estate settlements, etc are printed.
Oh no! It was a big ol' wedding announcement complete with photo. That's why I think it just must not have crossed their mind that there was anything potentially unusual or rude about this plan.
Well that's awkward.
Yup! I'm trying not to get my undies in a bunch over it because she IS one of my best friends and is generally a really wonderful person. And I now know from browsing, ahem, other wedding forums that this practice is considered acceptable by many. So...I'm going to chalk this up to temporary WIC-fueled insanity on the couple's part.
I went to an OOT PPD with a full on Catholic Mass here in the sates- it was only 2hrs away and the couple was upfront about the fact that they were already married. I am not sure if the church knew they were already married, because I doubt they would allow them to have a full mass as if they were not.
However, I doubt I would take vacation time and spend all of that money to go to a PPD in South America. I absolutely would not this year since I am saving vacation time and money for my won wedding and honeymoon.
I didn't read all of the replies, but I wanted to comment on the Catholic aspect. It is not unusual to have a full mass for a covalidation, so I am guessing if the couple was upfront with their guests they were also with the church. The ceremony and Rite of Marriage is the exact same because this is when the couple becomes validly married in the eyes of the Catholic Church. While in general these events are lower key (less guests, no white dress, 2 witnesses instead of a big wedding party, etc), it is really up to the discretion of the priest and the couple.
Also this ceremony can be held during a regular Sunday mass or after, but so can a wedding ceremony. I also want to note a covalidation is meant for Catholics who for whatever reason got married outside of the Catholic church, and then later had a reversion of sorts and have decided to practice their faith and want their marriage to be recognized as valid by the church. It is not meant for couples who want the legal benefits first and then the spiritual benefits later. As previous posters mentioned because in the US priests can legally marry people, there is no reason to have the legal and spiritual events separated. I know in other countries this is not the case so maybe this is why OP's friends priest is okay with their plan. However, I too would be dissapointed and annoyed to be spending money to travel for the couple who already got married in the US.
Thanks for the info!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt she announced it in the paper. It was probably in the public records section. Marriage licenses, divorces, estate settlements, etc are printed.
I agree with this. I know my mom and aunts read the public records daily to see if anyone got a marriage license, bought property, died or got arrested. True story.
Getting a marriage license doesn't mean you are married though. We are picking ours up on April 30th (best day for me to take off work to get it), but it won't be signed by the officiant until late June (before the 60 days runs out). Then sent back for public record the week after our wedding in June. So officially nothing would be on file about us being married until the officiant sends it back. Although I guess you could tell if we picked up a license to at least see if it's within the time frame of the ceremony.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt she announced it in the paper. It was probably in the public records section. Marriage licenses, divorces, estate settlements, etc are printed.
I agree with this. I know my mom and aunts read the public records daily to see if anyone got a marriage license, bought property, died or got arrested. True story.
Getting a marriage license doesn't mean you are married though. We are picking ours up on April 30th (best day for me to take off work to get it), but it won't be signed by the officiant until late June (before the 60 days runs out). Then sent back for public record the week after our wedding in June. So officially nothing would be on file about us being married until the officiant sends it back. Although I guess you could tell if we picked up a license to at least see if it's within the time frame of the ceremony.
When I look at the public records, it says when the marriage license was applied for and when it was returned/filed. It also says how much they paid for it. I know getting a license doesn't mean you're married. But there's a lot more information than that.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt she announced it in the paper. It was probably in the public records section. Marriage licenses, divorces, estate settlements, etc are printed.
I agree with this. I know my mom and aunts read the public records daily to see if anyone got a marriage license, bought property, died or got arrested. True story.
Getting a marriage license doesn't mean you are married though. We are picking ours up on April 30th (best day for me to take off work to get it), but it won't be signed by the officiant until late June (before the 60 days runs out). Then sent back for public record the week after our wedding in June. So officially nothing would be on file about us being married until the officiant sends it back. Although I guess you could tell if we picked up a license to at least see if it's within the time frame of the ceremony.
Most people who apply for a license do end up married, so just the fact that one was applied for in the home state when it was to be DW would throw up some flags. Or getting a license 9 months out from a wedding when licenses expire in 30-60 days or so depending on the location. That would also throw up a flag.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
@Sars06 Any update? Did they admit they were already married at the PPD in South America?
I couldn't go. Our flights got canceled due to the snowstorm, and the airline wasn't able to rebook us on a flight that would get us there in time.
It sucks because, PPD or not, it was important to my friend and I wasn't able to be there.
But I guess this is what can happen when you have a DW in February and most of your guests are coming from the Northeast.
I'm sorry, since you wanted to go.
But I'm not sorry since it was a very expensive (for you) PPD that you didn't know about upfront. . . Karma, maybe?
Will you be able to get different tickets to go on a nice vacation with your FI/husband later on?
No - that's the real bummer. Our hotel still charged us due to the "late cancellation" (apparently 24 hours isn't enough!) and the airline won't refund us our tickets. So basically it was a total bust. An expensive PPD that I didn't even get to attend!
@Sars06 Any update? Did they admit they were already married at the PPD in South America?
I couldn't go. Our flights got canceled due to the snowstorm, and the airline wasn't able to rebook us on a flight that would get us there in time.
It sucks because, PPD or not, it was important to my friend and I wasn't able to be there.
But I guess this is what can happen when you have a DW in February and most of your guests are coming from the Northeast.
I'm sorry, since you wanted to go.
But I'm not sorry since it was a very expensive (for you) PPD that you didn't know about upfront. . . Karma, maybe?
Will you be able to get different tickets to go on a nice vacation with your FI/husband later on?
No - that's the real bummer. Our hotel still charged us due to the "late cancellation" (apparently 24 hours isn't enough!) and the airline won't refund us our tickets. So basically it was a total bust. An expensive PPD that I didn't even get to attend!
NOOOOOOOOOO!
I am so sorry, ugh!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
@Sars06 Any update? Did they admit they were already married at the PPD in South America?
I couldn't go. Our flights got canceled due to the snowstorm, and the airline wasn't able to rebook us on a flight that would get us there in time.
It sucks because, PPD or not, it was important to my friend and I wasn't able to be there.
But I guess this is what can happen when you have a DW in February and most of your guests are coming from the Northeast.
I'm sorry, since you wanted to go.
But I'm not sorry since it was a very expensive (for you) PPD that you didn't know about upfront. . . Karma, maybe?
Will you be able to get different tickets to go on a nice vacation with your FI/husband later on?
No - that's the real bummer. Our hotel still charged us due to the "late cancellation" (apparently 24 hours isn't enough!) and the airline won't refund us our tickets. So basically it was a total bust. An expensive PPD that I didn't even get to attend!
If the airline cancelled the flight they have to either give you a credit (full value) for future travel or give you your money back. I would call customer service back and fight this.
I would try to do the same thing with the hotel...
@Sars06 Any update? Did they admit they were already married at the PPD in South America?
I couldn't go. Our flights got canceled due to the snowstorm, and the airline wasn't able to rebook us on a flight that would get us there in time.
It sucks because, PPD or not, it was important to my friend and I wasn't able to be there.
But I guess this is what can happen when you have a DW in February and most of your guests are coming from the Northeast.
I'm sorry, since you wanted to go.
But I'm not sorry since it was a very expensive (for you) PPD that you didn't know about upfront. . . Karma, maybe?
Will you be able to get different tickets to go on a nice vacation with your FI/husband later on?
No - that's the real bummer. Our hotel still charged us due to the "late cancellation" (apparently 24 hours isn't enough!) and the airline won't refund us our tickets. So basically it was a total bust. An expensive PPD that I didn't even get to attend!
What airline won't refund your tickets?! I had a flight cancelled last week due to the snow as well and they gave us a full refund right away.
Sorry to hear your trip got cancelled. I know how it feels....
By law the airline nees to refund you for your unused tickets. They are allowed to offer you certificates rather than cash, but if you request cash instead they have to give it to you.
Call customer service back. At least get your money back on the flights. Also, if you booked the hotel on a credit card, read your terms and conditions - some cards come with trip insurance and you may be able to get a refund that way.
By law the airline nees to refund you for your unused tickets. They are allowed to offer you certificates rather than cash, but if you request cash instead they have to give it to you.
Call customer service back. At least get your money back on the flights. Also, if you booked the hotel on a credit card, read your terms and conditions - some cards come with trip insurance and you may be able to get a refund that way.
Really? I didn't realize that. It is a shitty South American airline and impossible to get anyone on the line who is helpful/speaks English.
Good call on the credit card - I booked everything on my Amex, and they are always helpful. I'll look into it.
By law the airline nees to refund you for your unused tickets. They are allowed to offer you certificates rather than cash, but if you request cash instead they have to give it to you.
Call customer service back. At least get your money back on the flights. Also, if you booked the hotel on a credit card, read your terms and conditions - some cards come with trip insurance and you may be able to get a refund that way.
Really? I didn't realize that. It is a shitty South American airline and impossible to get anyone on the line who is helpful/speaks English.
Good call on the credit card - I booked everything on my Amex, and they are always helpful. I'll look into it.
Figure out how to say "I'm taking this to court if I don't get a refund" in Spanish? Man, that sucks.
Re: Getting married before a DW?
i have to agree with you there. I would think "we have to get married at city hall before we leave to make it legal" would have come up at some point in conversation. I was in a DW...and i knew everything that was going to happen. I know that my friend considered doing that but decided against it, because she ran it by her cloeset friends and family to see what they thought about it first. How big of a wedding party are we talking about here? I mean are there 15 of you? I would think that with the standard amount of BMs they would all be in the know.
Also, i really want to know where in South America this wedding is, and how it's only costing $2k for two people to fly there and be there for 5 days. I want to go to there.
Also this ceremony can be held during a regular Sunday mass or after, but so can a wedding ceremony. I also want to note a covalidation is meant for Catholics who for whatever reason got married outside of the Catholic church, and then later had a reversion of sorts and have decided to practice their faith and want their marriage to be recognized as valid by the church. It is not meant for couples who want the legal benefits first and then the spiritual benefits later. As previous posters mentioned because in the US priests can legally marry people, there is no reason to have the legal and spiritual events separated. I know in other countries this is not the case so maybe this is why OP's friends priest is okay with their plan. However, I too would be dissapointed and annoyed to be spending money to travel for the couple who already got married in the US.
Confession: I do too (though not everyday).
I agree! Why bother to go through all of the hoopla to travel? OP did mention that the bride has family in this other country. So, I'm assuming it was important for her to be near those people for the ceremony. So, if that is the case, why not tell people that? Why not come out and say "It's important for me to have a ceremony with my family in So. America, but for x,y,z reasons, I have to make it legally binding in the US before we go. I hope you understand and will still attend." That way, people can say "Yes, I'll still come because I support you", "I'd love to come, but I really can't afford to do this if it's not the actual wedding" or "I don't want to come for x,y,z reason." It's not fair to the guests to have their free will taken away from them to make an important decision, such as spending $2000. However, it's quite apparent to me that DWs are quickly becoming popular because it just seems neat for the pictures rather than there being any significance behind it.
Well that's awkward.
Well that's awkward. Yup! I'm trying not to get my undies in a bunch over it because she IS one of my best friends and is generally a really wonderful person. And I now know from browsing, ahem, other wedding forums that this practice is considered acceptable by many. So...I'm going to chalk this up to temporary WIC-fueled insanity on the couple's part.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Getting a marriage license doesn't mean you are married though. We are picking ours up on April 30th (best day for me to take off work to get it), but it won't be signed by the officiant until late June (before the 60 days runs out). Then sent back for public record the week after our wedding in June. So officially nothing would be on file about us being married until the officiant sends it back. Although I guess you could tell if we picked up a license to at least see if it's within the time frame of the ceremony.
When I look at the public records, it says when the marriage license was applied for and when it was returned/filed. It also says how much they paid for it. I know getting a license doesn't mean you're married. But there's a lot more information than that.
But I'm not sorry since it was a very expensive (for you) PPD that you didn't know about upfront. . . Karma, maybe?
Will you be able to get different tickets to go on a nice vacation with your FI/husband later on?
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I am so sorry, ugh!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Sorry to hear your trip got cancelled. I know how it feels....
By law the airline nees to refund you for your unused tickets. They are allowed to offer you certificates rather than cash, but if you request cash instead they have to give it to you.
Call customer service back. At least get your money back on the flights. Also, if you booked the hotel on a credit card, read your terms and conditions - some cards come with trip insurance and you may be able to get a refund that way.
Good call on the credit card - I booked everything on my Amex, and they are always helpful. I'll look into it.