Etiquette

I had a tiered reception

So towards the end of the reception MIL pulls me aside to meet her friend Kim. I am very gracious and thank her for coming, all the while thinking, "who the hell is Kim, there was no Kim on the guest list". I also am thinking yhat there is something weird and untrustworthy about this woman.

I mention this to DH later and he was also confused by it. So he asked his mom about it and it turns out that since 2 of her friends were unable to come to the wedding due to illness (they told her the day before), she just went ahead and in invited this random woman Kim, and never told me or DH.

DH told her that it was totally inappropriate for her to be inviting people, and that it was really tacky that she would call someone and be like "hey, want to come to my son's wedding tomorrow?". He also mentioned that it was gross that Kim would accept a last minute invitation to a wedding when she obviously wasn't on the guest list to begin with.

To all of this MIL responded, "what's the big deal, she came after dinner". Ugh, gross.
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Re: I had a tiered reception

  • This sounds like something my father would've done at my wedding without realizing what poor etiquette it was. Sometimes parents are just oblivious. At least this lady wasn't offended.
  • Agreed! Mils bad not yours. Sounds like her friend was cool with it, but that situation would make my blood boil too!
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited February 2014
    We had surprise guest at our wedding.    I didn't know that people actually want to go to their new girlfriend's father's boss's wedding an hour away.   But apparently this guy did. 

      We only agreed for the adult daughter to come because K is the driver and he likes to drink.  Wife doesn't drive or drink.  The wedding was OOT for them (they are from the islands), but happens to be an hour from daughter's house.  So we said sure she can come so K could enjoy himself with a few cocktails.  Imagine our surprise when the daughter brought a date.  Ha.    

    The guy had a blast.  He is in a lot of dance floor pictures.   Have no idea his name.  K can't remember either.

    Meh, it's a funny story.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    OliveOilsMom
  • yeah, no harm, no foul. more amusing than anything at this point.
    Amyzen83
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    It's surprises me how some people just don't care about invites and stuff.  They just want to party and/or be included I guess?

    I'm sure MIL was thinking "well they already paid, can't get the money back. Why not invite someone else take the space?".


    Our random guy was a very tall, bald, good looking black guy. Our wedding was mostly white and on the shorter side of average height. Well, okay maybe way on they shorter side of average.  People who look at the pictures always say "who is the good looking black guy, he looks like he is having a blast?"   I'm like "I don't know, but yes he had a great time".






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    Amyzen83GlitterWitch22LakeR2014
  • @lyndausvi

    i'm sure you're right, that she was thinking, what the hell, its already paid for. in that case i wish she would have invited her for dinner!

    your crasher sounds dreamy. 
    Amyzen83chibiyui
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Near the end of my reception I'm dancing with my mom and sisters and there's this guy in our circle dancing up a storm and signing along. I stop cold and say, "who are you, do I know you?" "I'm the DJ from the party that ended on the patio." (there was another event at our venue bc of the fireworks) I said, "oh, ok, cool" and we all started dancing again. He was one of my mom's favorite "guests."
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    pinkcow13Amyzen83LakeR2014WildMagelet
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    On a side note, I think it would be cool to go out on the street and invite random people in to eat and party for all the wedding no-shows. I had 7 last min cancelations. It's not really b listing if you don't know the people right??? :-p

    I'm going to start hanging out around wedding venues to see if I can snag a last minute invite…I seriously don't get invited to enough weddings. Everyone I know is married, I need some single friends to get married!!
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    pinkcow13lyndausviAmyzen83SP29
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    photokitty - same here, I don't get invited to enough weddings, while a friend of mine is like what's her name on 27 dresses. She had like 6 weddings last year. I think I need to start wedding crashing, sounds like crashers are a blast! Lol
                                 Anniversary
    imageimageimage


     

    dbanana
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    On a side note, I think it would be cool to go out on the street and invite random people in to eat and party for all the wedding no-shows. I had 7 last min cancelations. It's not really b listing if you don't know the people right??? :-p

    I'm going to start hanging out around wedding venues to see if I can snag a last minute invite…I seriously don't get invited to enough weddings. Everyone I know is married, I need some single friends to get married!!
    YES.. That would be so cool.

    Our tents guys had to stick around because the tent was rated for up to 60mph winds and we were getting up to 60 mph winds.   We  feed them the no show meals.  Even told them to hit the bar if they want.    I think some of our guests also tipped them for giving up their Saturday night and making sure the tent didn't fall (and they were from an hour away).  I'm pretty sure our wedding is legendary to those guys.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    edited February 2014

    On a side note, I think it would be cool to go out on the street and invite random people in to eat and party for all the wedding no-shows. I had 7 last min cancelations. It's not really b listing if you don't know the people right??? :-p


    I'm going to start hanging out around wedding venues to see if I can snag a last minute invite…I seriously don't get invited to enough weddings. Everyone I know is married, I need some single friends to get married!!
    You can come to mine if we have no shoes :) taco bar photo booth booze and dancing! Edit shows not shoes! Damn u autocorrect! Tee hee!
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Amyzen83 said:
    On a side note, I think it would be cool to go out on the street and invite random people in to eat and party for all the wedding no-shows. I had 7 last min cancelations. It's not really b listing if you don't know the people right??? :-p

    I'm going to start hanging out around wedding venues to see if I can snag a last minute invite…I seriously don't get invited to enough weddings. Everyone I know is married, I need some single friends to get married!!
    You can come to mine if we have no shoes :) taco bar photo booth booze and dancing! Edit shows not shoes! Damn u autocorrect! Tee hee!
    Awesome!! When and where do I need to be hanging out all dress up on the sidewalk waiting?? Oh, I hope I don't get invited to another type of party while I'm waiting not he street corner… =-O
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    Amyzen83SP29
  • Am I the only person who would probably not be too thrilled with a crasher? All these stories do sound like fun but something about crashing weddings is super creepy to me! I'm sure I wouldn't even notice since I'll be pulled a million ways anyway...but still to me crashing is a party foul!
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its

    Am I the only person who would probably not be too thrilled with a crasher? All these stories do sound like fun but something about crashing weddings is super creepy to me! I'm sure I wouldn't even notice since I'll be pulled a million ways anyway...but still to me crashing is a party foul!
    I hear ya.   I'm generally a laid back person. Life is too short for me to get upset at stuff like that. 

    I also had planned a beach wedding and ended up with a full blown tropical storm hit on the wedding day.  Wind driven rains, ceremony moved under a tent that had collapsed early that day, I had dreamed of beach photos, but all we got were a few when the eye of the storm passed over. Top of the cake collapsed due from the humidity among other things.

    At that point the boyfriend of the daughter of DH's number 2 guy crashing our wedding was no big deal.  Especially since we had no shows due to the storm anyway.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • sarahuflsarahufl New York member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I had 2 friends in college- 2 of the sweetest, most conservative women I know. They both went to church regularly, didn't drink, never did anything remotely close to getting in trouble. But the 2 of them used to crash weddings! It never ceased to amuse me. They would get all dressed up and go out wedding crashing. It was so out of character, but they always had the best time.
    image
  • Am I the only person who would probably not be too thrilled with a crasher? All these stories do sound like fun but something about crashing weddings is super creepy to me! I'm sure I wouldn't even notice since I'll be pulled a million ways anyway...but still to me crashing is a party foul!

    No you're not the only one, lol to be honest though I'd much rather hav a random stranger crash my wedding (which would be highly unlikely considering how private our venue is) as opposed to somebody we know but purposely did not invite crashing for example estranged family members
    LakeR2014[Deleted User]
  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm getting married in a public garden (ceremony and reception). It honestly wouldn't shock me if we had a crasher or two!
    ~*~*~*~*~

  • Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn can totally crash my wedding, a-ok.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
    image
    [Deleted User]Amyzen83
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    cruffino said:
    So towards the end of the reception MIL pulls me aside to meet her friend Kim. I am very gracious and thank her for coming, all the while thinking, "who the hell is Kim, there was no Kim on the guest list". I also am thinking yhat there is something weird and untrustworthy about this woman. I mention this to DH later and he was also confused by it. So he asked his mom about it and it turns out that since 2 of her friends were unable to come to the wedding due to illness (they told her the day before), she just went ahead and in invited this random woman Kim, and never told me or DH. DH told her that it was totally inappropriate for her to be inviting people, and that it was really tacky that she would call someone and be like "hey, want to come to my son's wedding tomorrow?". He also mentioned that it was gross that Kim would accept a last minute invitation to a wedding when she obviously wasn't on the guest list to begin with. To all of this MIL responded, "what's the big deal, she came after dinner". Ugh, gross.
    The "big deal" was that she had no business being invited, let alone coming at all, and both she and your MIL were extremely rude.

    Don't let your MIL invite anyone to anything you ever do again.
    Amyzen83
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    I wouldn't be upset at having a couple crashers, but we are getting married on a cruise ship before it leaves port.  And since we have to provide a solid guest list one month in advance (with birthdate and passport or drivers license numbers for each guest) that can't be changed and you have to go through customs to get to our wedding & reception, I doubt anyone will crash it. We keep joking that we are so important that we have Homeland Security as wedding bouncers.  I could see other cruise passengers possibly joining in, but I've heard that the cruise employees are pretty good at keeping crashers out.

    image 

  • It sounds like she asked them in more of an "hey, want free food? We got cancellations" type of way rather than a real wedding intivitation type of way. So I don't think you have to worry about it being a tiered reception =)

    I would've been pissed if anyone offered spots at my wedding to anyone else without asking me. I might've said yes if asked. I feel like it's entirely a violation otherwise.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Jen4948 said:


    cruffino said:

    So towards the end of the reception MIL pulls me aside to meet her friend Kim. I am very gracious and thank her for coming, all the while thinking, "who the hell is Kim, there was no Kim on the guest list". I also am thinking yhat there is something weird and untrustworthy about this woman.

    I mention this to DH later and he was also confused by it. So he asked his mom about it and it turns out that since 2 of her friends were unable to come to the wedding due to illness (they told her the day before), she just went ahead and in invited this random woman Kim, and never told me or DH.

    DH told her that it was totally inappropriate for her to be inviting people, and that it was really tacky that she would call someone and be like "hey, want to come to my son's wedding tomorrow?". He also mentioned that it was gross that Kim would accept a last minute invitation to a wedding when she obviously wasn't on the guest list to begin with.

    To all of this MIL responded, "what's the big deal, she came after dinner". Ugh, gross.



    The "big deal" was that she had no business being invited, let alone coming at all, and both she and your MIL were extremely rude.

    Don't let your MIL invite anyone to anything you ever do again.


    yeah....we didn't LET her do anything. That's the issue she did it without telling us!
  • It sounds like she asked them in more of an "hey, want free food? We got cancellations" type of way rather than a real wedding intivitation type of way. So I don't think you have to worry about it being a tiered reception =)

    I would've been pissed if anyone offered spots at my wedding to anyone else without asking me. I might've said yes if asked. I feel like it's entirely a violation otherwise.

    I definitely felt it was a violation. I would have said yes if she had asked. It bugs me that she went behind our backs. Oh well water under the bridge now.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    cruffino said:
    cruffino said:
    So towards the end of the reception MIL pulls me aside to meet her friend Kim. I am very gracious and thank her for coming, all the while thinking, "who the hell is Kim, there was no Kim on the guest list". I also am thinking yhat there is something weird and untrustworthy about this woman. I mention this to DH later and he was also confused by it. So he asked his mom about it and it turns out that since 2 of her friends were unable to come to the wedding due to illness (they told her the day before), she just went ahead and in invited this random woman Kim, and never told me or DH. DH told her that it was totally inappropriate for her to be inviting people, and that it was really tacky that she would call someone and be like "hey, want to come to my son's wedding tomorrow?". He also mentioned that it was gross that Kim would accept a last minute invitation to a wedding when she obviously wasn't on the guest list to begin with. To all of this MIL responded, "what's the big deal, she came after dinner". Ugh, gross.
    The "big deal" was that she had no business being invited, let alone coming at all, and both she and your MIL were extremely rude.

    Don't let your MIL invite anyone to anything you ever do again.
    yeah....we didn't LET her do anything. That's the issue she did it without telling us!
    Yeah.  So make sure she has no way to invite anyone to anything you ever do again.  If necessary, tell the other persons yourselves that unfortunately, due to confusion, you're not able to accommodate them.  And if necessary, have them escorted away.
  • Jen4948 said:
    cruffino said:
    cruffino said:
    So towards the end of the reception MIL pulls me aside to meet her friend Kim. I am very gracious and thank her for coming, all the while thinking, "who the hell is Kim, there was no Kim on the guest list". I also am thinking yhat there is something weird and untrustworthy about this woman. I mention this to DH later and he was also confused by it. So he asked his mom about it and it turns out that since 2 of her friends were unable to come to the wedding due to illness (they told her the day before), she just went ahead and in invited this random woman Kim, and never told me or DH. DH told her that it was totally inappropriate for her to be inviting people, and that it was really tacky that she would call someone and be like "hey, want to come to my son's wedding tomorrow?". He also mentioned that it was gross that Kim would accept a last minute invitation to a wedding when she obviously wasn't on the guest list to begin with. To all of this MIL responded, "what's the big deal, she came after dinner". Ugh, gross.
    The "big deal" was that she had no business being invited, let alone coming at all, and both she and your MIL were extremely rude.

    Don't let your MIL invite anyone to anything you ever do again.
    yeah....we didn't LET her do anything. That's the issue she did it without telling us!
    Yeah.  So make sure she has no way to invite anyone to anything you ever do again.  If necessary, tell the other persons yourselves that unfortunately, due to confusion, you're not able to accommodate them.  And if necessary, have them escorted away.
    i don't think you're understanding me (or perhaps just being obstinate). how could we possibly make sure she has no way to invite anyone to anything? she has a voice and a phone and an email. 

    and no, i would not ask someone to leave a party or have him/her escorted out of a party because of someone else's faux pas. its not like this was a person explicitly NOT invited. this was not her fault. she didn't know that the hosts were unaware of the 2nd hand invitation.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 2014
    cruffino said:
    Jen4948 said:
    cruffino said:
    cruffino said:
    So towards the end of the reception MIL pulls me aside to meet her friend Kim. I am very gracious and thank her for coming, all the while thinking, "who the hell is Kim, there was no Kim on the guest list". I also am thinking yhat there is something weird and untrustworthy about this woman. I mention this to DH later and he was also confused by it. So he asked his mom about it and it turns out that since 2 of her friends were unable to come to the wedding due to illness (they told her the day before), she just went ahead and in invited this random woman Kim, and never told me or DH. DH told her that it was totally inappropriate for her to be inviting people, and that it was really tacky that she would call someone and be like "hey, want to come to my son's wedding tomorrow?". He also mentioned that it was gross that Kim would accept a last minute invitation to a wedding when she obviously wasn't on the guest list to begin with. To all of this MIL responded, "what's the big deal, she came after dinner". Ugh, gross.
    The "big deal" was that she had no business being invited, let alone coming at all, and both she and your MIL were extremely rude.

    Don't let your MIL invite anyone to anything you ever do again.
    yeah....we didn't LET her do anything. That's the issue she did it without telling us!
    Yeah.  So make sure she has no way to invite anyone to anything you ever do again.  If necessary, tell the other persons yourselves that unfortunately, due to confusion, you're not able to accommodate them.  And if necessary, have them escorted away.
    i don't think you're understanding me (or perhaps just being obstinate). how could we possibly make sure she has no way to invite anyone to anything? she has a voice and a phone and an email. 

    and no, i would not ask someone to leave a party or have him/her escorted out of a party because of someone else's faux pas. its not like this was a person explicitly NOT invited. this was not her fault. she didn't know that the hosts were unaware of the 2nd hand invitation.
    Let me ask this:  Do you do all your planning of every single get-together in her presence or in the presence of people who report back to her?

    Something else: The person who shows up without a proper invitation is actually committing a faux pas, and it is not a faux pas to tell them to leave.  In fact, if any adverse consequences result from that, it is your MIL's fault-not yours.

    As long as you get defensive about your decisions to involve your MIL in your life and not set or maintain any boundaries, guess what?  By not doing so, you absorb some of the responsibility for what she does.  You have the right to tell her no.  You have the right to not host her uninvited guests.  If you choose not to avail yourself of your rights, you forfeit sympathy as well as give away your rights to her on a silver platter. 

    You and your FI are presumably adults.  Grow up and own your own decisions to act or not to act and the results thereof instead of childishly calling me "obstinate" or accusing me of "misunderstanding.".  You do not have to let your MIL get away with anything.
  • Jen4948 said:


    cruffino said:


    Jen4948 said:


    cruffino said:

    Jen4948 said:


    cruffino said:

    So towards the end of the reception MIL pulls me aside to meet her friend Kim. I am very gracious and thank her for coming, all the while thinking, "who the hell is Kim, there was no Kim on the guest list". I also am thinking yhat there is something weird and untrustworthy about this woman.

    I mention this to DH later and he was also confused by it. So he asked his mom about it and it turns out that since 2 of her friends were unable to come to the wedding due to illness (they told her the day before), she just went ahead and in invited this random woman Kim, and never told me or DH.

    DH told her that it was totally inappropriate for her to be inviting people, and that it was really tacky that she would call someone and be like "hey, want to come to my son's wedding tomorrow?". He also mentioned that it was gross that Kim would accept a last minute invitation to a wedding when she obviously wasn't on the guest list to begin with.

    To all of this MIL responded, "what's the big deal, she came after dinner". Ugh, gross.



    The "big deal" was that she had no business being invited, let alone coming at all, and both she and your MIL were extremely rude.

    Don't let your MIL invite anyone to anything you ever do again.
    yeah....we didn't LET her do anything. That's the issue she did it without telling us!

    Yeah.  So make sure she has no way to invite anyone to anything you ever do again.  If necessary, tell the other persons yourselves that unfortunately, due to confusion, you're not able to accommodate them.  And if necessary, have them escorted away.

    i don't think you're understanding me (or perhaps just being obstinate). how could we possibly make sure she has no way to invite anyone to anything? she has a voice and a phone and an email. 

    and no, i would not ask someone to leave a party or have him/her escorted out of a party because of someone else's faux pas. its not like this was a person explicitly NOT invited. this was not her fault. she didn't know that the hosts were unaware of the 2nd hand invitation.



    Let me ask this:  Do you do all your planning of every single get-together in her presence or in the presence of people who report back to her?

    Something else: The person who shows up without a proper invitation is actually committing a faux pas, and it is not a faux pas to tell them to leave.  In fact, if any adverse consequences result from that, it is your MIL's fault-not yours.

    As long as you get defensive about your decisions to involve your MIL in your life and not set or maintain any boundaries, guess what?  By not doing so, you absorb some of the responsibility for what she does.  You have the right to tell her no.  You have the right to not host her uninvited guests.  If you choose not to avail yourself of your rights, you forfeit sympathy as well as give away your rights to her on a silver platter. 

    You and your FI are presumably adults.  Grow up and own your own decisions to act or not to act and the results thereof instead of childishly calling me "obstinate" or accusing me of "misunderstanding.".  You do not have to let your MIL get away with anything.


    You are a treasure.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 2014
    cruffino said:
    Jen4948 said:
    cruffino said:
    cruffino said:
    So towards the end of the reception MIL pulls me aside to meet her friend Kim. I am very gracious and thank her for coming, all the while thinking, "who the hell is Kim, there was no Kim on the guest list". I also am thinking yhat there is something weird and untrustworthy about this woman. I mention this to DH later and he was also confused by it. So he asked his mom about it and it turns out that since 2 of her friends were unable to come to the wedding due to illness (they told her the day before), she just went ahead and in invited this random woman Kim, and never told me or DH. DH told her that it was totally inappropriate for her to be inviting people, and that it was really tacky that she would call someone and be like "hey, want to come to my son's wedding tomorrow?". He also mentioned that it was gross that Kim would accept a last minute invitation to a wedding when she obviously wasn't on the guest list to begin with. To all of this MIL responded, "what's the big deal, she came after dinner". Ugh, gross.
    The "big deal" was that she had no business being invited, let alone coming at all, and both she and your MIL were extremely rude.

    Don't let your MIL invite anyone to anything you ever do again.
    yeah....we didn't LET her do anything. That's the issue she did it without telling us!
    Yeah.  So make sure she has no way to invite anyone to anything you ever do again.  If necessary, tell the other persons yourselves that unfortunately, due to confusion, you're not able to accommodate them.  And if necessary, have them escorted away.
    i don't think you're understanding me (or perhaps just being obstinate). how could we possibly make sure she has no way to invite anyone to anything? she has a voice and a phone and an email. 

    and no, i would not ask someone to leave a party or have him/her escorted out of a party because of someone else's faux pas. its not like this was a person explicitly NOT invited. this was not her fault. she didn't know that the hosts were unaware of the 2nd hand invitation.
    Let me ask this:  Do you do all your planning of every single get-together in her presence or in the presence of people who report back to her?

    Something else: The person who shows up without a proper invitation is actually committing a faux pas, and it is not a faux pas to tell them to leave.  In fact, if any adverse consequences result from that, it is your MIL's fault-not yours.

    As long as you get defensive about your decisions to involve your MIL in your life and not set or maintain any boundaries, guess what?  By not doing so, you absorb some of the responsibility for what she does.  You have the right to tell her no.  You have the right to not host her uninvited guests.  If you choose not to avail yourself of your rights, you forfeit sympathy as well as give away your rights to her on a silver platter. 

    You and your FI are presumably adults.  Grow up and own your own decisions to act or not to act and the results thereof instead of childishly calling me "obstinate" or accusing me of "misunderstanding.".  You do not have to let your MIL get away with anything.
    You are a treasure.

    Why, thank you.  Like I said, grow up, own your decisions, and knock off the name-calling.
  • I bet it was irritating the day of but this will probably be one of those things that you laugh about in a few years.
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