Is this acceptable?

JaniV123 · February 2014

When we were going over the budget the other day FI asked meif it was mandatory that we give the WP and our parents gifts. I explained to him that it was a "thank you for being part of our special day".

Yesterday he was looking over "The Knot Wedding Planner in a Box" the checklist and saw that its possible to do a "Post-Wedding Brunch" He said he would looove to do that and if we could substitute the WP gifts for that Brunch?

I told him I'd ask about the etiquette approach around here. His argument is "instead of giving them something material we can feed them!" LOL

pinkshorts27 · February 2014

No, that is wrong. Having them come to another event to receive their Thank you for is not an appropriate Thank you.

JCbride2015 · February 2014

I don't think it's OK to substitute the brunch. Brunch is optional and you can just skip it, but WP members should receive a personal gift to say thank you.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

Not really, no. What you get your WP doesn't have to be extravagant or huge, but it does have to be well-thought-out and thoughtful.

If you want to do a post-wedding brunch, that's lovely but not required, but it can't be in lieu of an actual gift.

JaniV123 · February 2014

Perfect! That's what I told him I thought was right but that I'd ask around.

Thanks @blueeyes90 @JCBride2014 @HisgirlFriday

KickAssMOH · February 2014

I'm looking forward to seeing what other people will write about this. I think it's a sweet idea in theory and maybe your crowd would appreciate it...BUT if I were your BM, I would not enjoy a brunch following your wedding. I would much rather prefer a gift or even a really really really thankful card. I know this sounds a little bitchy, but normally by the time I'm done being in a friend's wedding, I'm DONE celebrating their marriage and I'm looking forward to moving on to a year that doesn't revolve around them. I know that many folks on TK say "all a BM has to do is buy a dress and show up", but in my experience, being a BM has taken much more time, money, and effort than that. Once the wedding is over, I would not be pleased to be invited to a brunch with the B&G and their best friends, even if they're paying. I would see this as yet another wedding-related committment of my time. But I would, of course, smile and say thank you and pretend to be really flattered but your BMs might not be as two-faced as i am

AddieCake · February 2014

If you took me out to lunch with JUST ME and spent some time with JUST ME and paid for it, then I might be ok with that. But a brunch following your wedding would be just another wedding event of yours I felt obligated to attend. That's not a gift to me.

MyNameIsNot · February 2014

PPs are right about WP gifts.

I wanted to add, parent gifts are totally optional. It's also perfectly fine to get your parents a thank you gift involving your photos a while after the wedding.

AroundTheBlock · February 2014

Gifts are always optional. That is just as true coming from you to your wedding party and parents, as it is coming from your guests to you. Thanks are non-optional, but you can express your thanks verbally and again in a hand-written note. As always it is the thought and effort that matter, not the material "stuff" or the dollar cost. If gifting is your love-language, and you want to give gifts, then that is indeed one way of expressing thanks. But it is not the only way.

NYCBruin · February 2014

AddieL73 said:

If you took me out to lunch with JUST ME and spent some time with JUST ME and paid for it, then I might be ok with that. But a brunch following your wedding would be just another wedding event of yours I felt obligated to attend. That's not a gift to me.

I agree with all of this. Free meal at a restaurant I like = awesome gift! Post-wedding brunch when I'm hungover and have already spent a lot of time with everyone in attendance = more wedding events for me to attend...sigh

phira · February 2014

"Is this acceptable?"

Nope.

MrsMarende · February 2014

I was planning on having a brunch (not in lieu of gifts), but after hearing that most would think it is an additional obligation and not something fun/pleasant, I am rethinking!

phira · February 2014

There was only one time I did not attend a post-wedding brunch, and it was DEFINITELY an out-of-the-ordinary situation. I love post-wedding brunches. So it really depends on your crowd. Don't be afraid to ask guests what they think.

My "Nope" was just that it's not acceptable to do post-wedding brunch instead of wedding party gifts. It's one thing to take a friend out to brunch as a thank-you, but your wedding party is a group of people who have already had a lot of wedding-related obligations. A post-wedding brunch as a gift would basically be giving them another wedding obligation; they could either be obligated to come OR they'd miss their gift. Additionally, I've never heard of a post-wedding brunch that's limited to wedding party only, so unless that was the plan, it's even worse: you're basically giving a bunch of non-WP people the gift for no reason.

So if you want to feed them instead of buying them something material, then take the to brunch (individually!) another time. Or give them a gift certificate to their favorite restaurant. Or give them a coupon for a fancy home-cooked meal at your house using your new wedding kitchen gadgets. Something that's a gift and not just another wedding event they have to go to.

huskypuppy14 · February 2014

JaniV123 said:

When we were going over the budget the other day FI asked meif it was mandatory that we give the WP and our parents gifts. I explained to him that it was a "thank you for being part of our special day".

Yesterday he was looking over "The Knot Wedding Planner in a Box" the checklist and saw that its possible to do a "Post-Wedding Brunch" He said he would looove to do that and if we could substitute the WP gifts for that Brunch?

I told him I'd ask about the etiquette approach around here. His argument is "instead of giving them something material we can feed them!" LOL

The issue I have with this is analogous to the issue with giving a donation in lieu of favors. It's something you/your FI want so you're taking something away from someone else. There is nothing wrong with taking your wedding party out to brunch or dinner as a gift, but it should be a separate event than your wedding (ie not the same weekend) and be with each person/couple individually.

JaxInBlue · February 2014

MyNameIsNot said:

PPs are right about WP gifts.

I wanted to add, parent gifts are totally optional. It's also perfectly fine to get your parents a thank you gift involving your photos a while after the wedding.

We did this. We got the members of our wedding party gifts and gave our parents IOUs for albums. Because we had digital rights, we were able to do prints and photobooks after the wedding, and to use groupons to help keep costs reasonable.

NYCBruin · February 2014

MrsMarende said:

I was planning on having a brunch (not in lieu of gifts), but after hearing that most would think it is an additional obligation and not something fun/pleasant, I am rethinking!

To clarify, normally I love post-wedding brunches, but if I'm in the wedding party by the time the post-wedding brunch rolls around I've already spent a significant amount of time with everyone (between rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, getting ready, photos, ceremony, reception, possibly an after-party, we're talking an evening and a full day) and probably just want some alone time.

JaniV123 · February 2014

Thanks to all for the input. I understand the feeling like its another duty. I think the best bet would be to talk to our WP and see their input. TBH people here in PR love a reason to get together and eat if they don't have to pay, and we are a very close knit group. I think I will still get them a token written or otherwise. But FI's guys are all a group so they can talk calmly about this.

laurynm84 said:

JaniV123 said:

When we were going over the budget the other day FI asked meif it was mandatory that we give the WP and our parents gifts. I explained to him that it was a "thank you for being part of our special day".

Yesterday he was looking over "The Knot Wedding Planner in a Box" the checklist and saw that its possible to do a "Post-Wedding Brunch" He said he would looove to do that and if we could substitute the WP gifts for that Brunch?

I told him I'd ask about the etiquette approach around here. His argument is "instead of giving them something material we can feed them!" LOL

The issue I have with this is analogous to the issue with giving a donation in lieu of favors. It's something you/your FI want so you're taking something away from someone else. There is nothing wrong with taking your wedding party out to brunch or dinner as a gift, but it should be a separate event than your wedding (ie not the same weekend) and be with each person/couple individually.

no it would not be taking from someone else, it was just an idea that he thought would a fun/nice thing to do with our WP.

huskypuppy14 · February 2014

JaniV123 said:

Thanks to all for the input. I understand the feeling like its another duty. I think the best bet would be to talk to our WP and see their input. TBH people here in PR love a reason to get together and eat if they don't have to pay, and we are a very close knit group. I think I will still get them a token written or otherwise. But FI's guys are all a group so they can talk calmly about this.

laurynm84 said:

JaniV123 said:

When we were going over the budget the other day FI asked meif it was mandatory that we give the WP and our parents gifts. I explained to him that it was a "thank you for being part of our special day".

Yesterday he was looking over "The Knot Wedding Planner in a Box" the checklist and saw that its possible to do a "Post-Wedding Brunch" He said he would looove to do that and if we could substitute the WP gifts for that Brunch?

I told him I'd ask about the etiquette approach around here. His argument is "instead of giving them something material we can feed them!" LOL

The issue I have with this is analogous to the issue with giving a donation in lieu of favors. It's something you/your FI want so you're taking something away from someone else. There is nothing wrong with taking your wedding party out to brunch or dinner as a gift, but it should be a separate event than your wedding (ie not the same weekend) and be with each person/couple individually.

no it would not be taking from someone else, it was just an idea that he thought would a fun/nice thing to do with our WP.

Instead of getting them a gift, you are doing something that you want, not necessarily what you're bridal party would want.

JaniV123 · February 2014

laurynm84 said:

JaniV123 said:

Thanks to all for the input. I understand the feeling like its another duty. I think the best bet would be to talk to our WP and see their input. TBH people here in PR love a reason to get together and eat if they don't have to pay, and we are a very close knit group. I think I will still get them a token written or otherwise. But FI's guys are all a group so they can talk calmly about this.

laurynm84 said:

JaniV123 said:

When we were going over the budget the other day FI asked meif it was mandatory that we give the WP and our parents gifts. I explained to him that it was a "thank you for being part of our special day".

Yesterday he was looking over "The Knot Wedding Planner in a Box" the checklist and saw that its possible to do a "Post-Wedding Brunch" He said he would looove to do that and if we could substitute the WP gifts for that Brunch?

I told him I'd ask about the etiquette approach around here. His argument is "instead of giving them something material we can feed them!" LOL

The issue I have with this is analogous to the issue with giving a donation in lieu of favors. It's something you/your FI want so you're taking something away from someone else. There is nothing wrong with taking your wedding party out to brunch or dinner as a gift, but it should be a separate event than your wedding (ie not the same weekend) and be with each person/couple individually.

no it would not be taking from someone else, it was just an idea that he thought would a fun/nice thing to do with our WP.

Instead of getting them a gift, you are doing something that you want, not necessarily what you're bridal party would want.

It would be for them not us per my FIs idea. But my thoughts were correct, it was innappropiate. So we will ask around our group of friends and hear their take.

JellyBean52513 · February 2014

JaniV123 said: laurynm84 said: JaniV123 said: Thanks to all for the input. I understand the feeling like its another duty. I think the best bet would be to talk to our WP and see their input. TBH people here in PR love a reason to get together and eat if they don't have to pay, and we are a very close knit group. I think I will still get them a token written or otherwise. But FI's guys are all a group so they can talk calmly about this.

laurynm84 said: JaniV123 said: When we were going over the budget the other day FI asked meif it was mandatory that we give the WP and our parents gifts. I explained to him that it was a "thank you for being part of our special day".
Yesterday he was looking over "The Knot Wedding Planner in a Box" the checklist and saw that its possible to do a "Post-Wedding Brunch" He said he would looove to do that and if we could substitute the WP gifts for that Brunch?
I told him I'd ask about the etiquette approach around here. His argument is "instead of giving them something material we can feed them!" LOL
The issue I have with this is analogous to the issue with giving a donation in lieu of favors. It's something you/your FI want so you're taking something away from someone else. There is nothing wrong with taking your wedding party out to brunch or dinner as a gift, but it should be a separate event than your wedding (ie not the same weekend) and be with each person/couple individually. no it would not be taking from someone else, it was just an idea that he thought would a fun/nice thing to do with our WP. Instead of getting them a gift, you are doing something that you want, not necessarily what you're bridal party would want.
It would be for them not us per my FIs idea. But my thoughts were correct, it was innappropiate. So we will ask around our group of friends and hear their take. You're missing the point, OP. By choosing not to give them a gift they genuinely deserve for being member of your WP, you're deciding instead to ask them all to spend their time as a group with you two and have brunch. Yes, I get it's for them. But you're not doing it on their time, on their terms, so how is it really something that is meant to be a treat to them? It's really just a matter of convenience for you and FI, as you can "skip buying gifts and just take them all out for brunch." The wedding is over, their roles as WP members are over. Don't require further commitment from them

phira · February 2014

OP, I don't think you're getting what people are saying.

A post-wedding brunch is not a gift to your wedding party. A post-wedding brunch is for all of your guests, so it's not special for the wedding party. And like folks have said, it's not on your WP's terms. What if they just wanted to go home and rest the next day?

You need to give them a gift. It can be a consumable; you can get them a bottle of nice scotch, bake them a batch of delicious cookies, give them a gift certificate to their favorite restaurant, invite them over (when they are free) for a home-cooked meal, or take them out to dinner.

And by all means, have a post-wedding brunch if you want to. But that's not a gift for your wedding party. I don't know how else to put this.

Simply Fated · February 2014

It does sound like it's just another wedding event I'm now obligated to attend.

On a similar note, a brunch the morning after could be fun if everyone was staying at the same hotel or something, but if I had to get my exhausted ass out at some ungodly hour where I'm expected to look decent enough for more facebook bound photos because the bride and groom can't bear for "THEIR DAY!" to be over, I'd be pissed. Like, stop dragging this shit out.

If he wants to feed your wedding party, I like pp idea of taking each person out and spending quality time with them individually. That's a better alternative, especially if members of the bridal party don't really know each other or, worse, don't get along. Or maybe gift cards to their favorite food place, if gift cards are available?

Jen4948 · February 2014

JaniV123 said:

When we were going over the budget the other day FI asked meif it was mandatory that we give the WP and our parents gifts. I explained to him that it was a "thank you for being part of our special day".

Yesterday he was looking over "The Knot Wedding Planner in a Box" the checklist and saw that its possible to do a "Post-Wedding Brunch" He said he would looove to do that and if we could substitute the WP gifts for that Brunch?

I told him I'd ask about the etiquette approach around here. His argument is "instead of giving them something material we can feed them!" LOL

Sorry, but no. You do need to give gifts to your wedding party members-not a post-wedding brunch.

A post-wedding brunch is optional, which gifts to wedding party members are not. If it's held, it's done usually to give the couple more time with family members and friends, especially OOT guests.

Your FI's idea that this makes a suitable "gift" to wedding party members-who want to be let off "duty" as wedding party members when the reception is over-is completely wrong.

JaniV123 · February 2014

Some of you misinterpreted my post. I said I originally thought it was innappropiate and came on here to double check my suspicion and it was right, I am not missing the point. I understand it perfectly and I said I would tell FI. It was never stated here or to me wheter the brunch would be right the next day of the wedding or at some other time when everyone could attend. They would not have any duties at such event and our group is not into the whole "facebook everything we do" @Simply Fated I stated in a later post that our WP is a very close knit group and everyone gets along great. I also stated that we would talk to our WP (when we finish picking them out) and see their intake because around herepeople are all for getting together for whatever reason whether we were just together last night or havent seen each other for months. I am sorry if I came off snarky at some point I was just irritated that only some of you seemed to actually read the part where I stated "i came here to double check because i thought it was innappropiate" Again thanks all for the input

delujm0 · February 2014

i LOVE a post-wedding brunch. We are having one for all of our guests because 90% of them are from out of town and will be staying at a hotel for the weekend, so we thought it was a nice gesture.

However, i wouldn't do it in lieu of WP gifts. Your WP gifts don't need to be big or expensive...a small, thoughtful gift and a well written thank you note are all that you need. You don't have to spend a lot of money. But you need to get them something as a thank you, to be given to them either at the rehearsal dinner or on the day of the wedding.

crunchymamaof2 · February 2014

JaniV123 said:

Some of you misinterpreted my post. I said I originally thought it was innappropiate and came on here to double check my suspicion and it was right, I am not missing the point. I understand it perfectly and I said I would tell FI. It was never stated here or to me wheter the brunch would be right the next day of the wedding or at some other time when everyone could attend. They would not have any duties at such event and our group is not into the whole "facebook everything we do" @Simply Fated I stated in a later post that our WP is a very close knit group and everyone gets along great. I also stated that we would talk to our WP (when we finish picking them out) and see their intake because around herepeople are all for getting together for whatever reason whether we were just together last night or havent seen each other for months. I am sorry if I came off snarky at some point I was just irritated that only some of you seemed to actually read the part where I stated "i came here to double check because i thought it was innappropiate" Again thanks all for the input

Nobody misinterpreted your post. They told you your hunch was right, that this would be inappropriate to do as a gift. We know you wouldn't be giving them duties (because they actually have no duties besides getting he clothes and being at the wedding). What people are trying to tell you is that not only is a brunch not a gift but for many people it would be thought of as an obligation. You can still have a post wedding brunch but it shouldn't be comprised of only the wedding party and it should be optional. Having it on another day defeats the purpose.

I don't think WP gifts are mandatory but a heartfelt thank you note is, at minimum, necessary. If a brunch is something your crowd would like great but remember its unlikely they'll tell you the truth as to not hurt your feelings. "Sure a brunch would be great! No gift needed for me!" May be what you hear but it doesn't mean it's yet truth. So I'd err on the side of caution and at least get them a small something (at least a handwritten note) and either skip brunch or hot it for more than just the WP.

I also don't understand your FIs thinking.mbrunch is likely to be much more expensive than getting them each a small gift. What is his reasoning here?

crunchymamaof2 · February 2014

And why on earth are you worrying about this before you even know who your wedding party will be?!

JaniV123 · February 2014

acove2006 said:

JaniV123 said:

Some of you misinterpreted my post. I said I originally thought it was innappropiate and came on here to double check my suspicion and it was right, I am not missing the point. I understand it perfectly and I said I would tell FI. It was never stated here or to me wheter the brunch would be right the next day of the wedding or at some other time when everyone could attend. They would not have any duties at such event and our group is not into the whole "facebook everything we do" @Simply Fated I stated in a later post that our WP is a very close knit group and everyone gets along great. I also stated that we would talk to our WP (when we finish picking them out) and see their intake because around herepeople are all for getting together for whatever reason whether we were just together last night or havent seen each other for months. I am sorry if I came off snarky at some point I was just irritated that only some of you seemed to actually read the part where I stated "i came here to double check because i thought it was innappropiate" Again thanks all for the input

Nobody misinterpreted your post. They told you your hunch was right, that this would be inappropriate to do as a gift. We know you wouldn't be giving them duties (because they actually have no duties besides getting he clothes and being at the wedding). What people are trying to tell you is that not only is a brunch not a gift but for many people it would be thought of as an obligation. You can still have a post wedding brunch but it shouldn't be comprised of only the wedding party and it should be optional. Having it on another day defeats the purpose.

I don't think WP gifts are mandatory but a heartfelt thank you note is, at minimum, necessary. If a brunch is something your crowd would like great but remember its unlikely they'll tell you the truth as to not hurt your feelings. "Sure a brunch would be great! No gift needed for me!" May be what you hear but it doesn't mean it's yet truth. So I'd err on the side of caution and at least get them a small something (at least a handwritten note) and either skip brunch or hot it for more than just the WP.

I also don't understand your FIs thinking. mbrunch is likely to be much more expensive than getting them each a small gift. What is his reasoning here?

That it would be a fun yummy way to show them our appreciation was his reasoning, it would not be a mandatory event it would be they choice to attend or not.

we know who the WP is but only his BM and his little sister as a BM are the one who have been officially asked. Since we are over a year out we are going to wait to ask everyone.

I said I am still getting my girls gifts even if we did do the brunch thing, which was just an idea

tx91 · February 2014

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that your gifts should be something THEY would like. Maybe the party would prefer gifts but you know your parents might appreciate a small dinner party just the 4 of you more then a gift? Or vice versa and the wedding party would love a small outing to bar to "wind down" rather then gifts? Just a suggestion because I know for my bridesmaids they don't really like things so much as going out and doing something.

It is customary to give gifts though so that it is still the safest route to go. With all the stress of wedding plan I think traditional gifts are easier then trying to come up alternatives.

ashleyep · February 2014

Just to play devil's advocate - gifts are never required. For anything. Theoretically, you don't *have* to give them a gift to thank them for attending. You could write them a very nice thank you card and put the money towards the brunch instead.

But it's become pretty much expected to give your WP a gift, so it might cause some hurt feelings. Especially if they found out you knixed gifts in favor of the brunch.

I've said it before, but if I'm a bridesmaid, I'd rather a bride pay for my hair or makeup than spend money on some junk gift because it's what's expected.

JaniV123 · February 2014

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that your gifts should be something THEY would like. Maybe the party would prefer gifts but you know your parents might appreciate a small dinner party just the 4 of you more then a gift? Or vice versa and the wedding party would love a small outing to bar to "wind down" rather then gifts? Just a suggestion because I know for my bridesmaids they don't really like things so much as going out and doing something.

It is customary to give gifts though so that it is still the safest route to go. With all the stress of wedding plan I think traditional gifts are easier then trying to come up alternatives.

SITB: precisely what I was trying to explain, more than gifts I know our friends would prefer to go hang out and talk BS and all of them love brunch so thats why FI thought about it. I have since talked to him about it and we dont know what we will end up doing.I am getting my girls details for sure. I mean whenever we travel we always bring them stuff and sometimes even for no reason so I think maybe FI thought it would be a good idea to go out to eat

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