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I had a tiered reception

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Re: I had a tiered reception

  • blabla89blabla89 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper


    Jen4948 said:
    cruffino said:
    Jen4948 said:
    cruffino said:
    cruffino said:
    So towards the end of the reception MIL pulls me aside to meet her friend Kim. I am very gracious and thank her for coming, all the while thinking, "who the hell is Kim, there was no Kim on the guest list". I also am thinking yhat there is something weird and untrustworthy about this woman. I mention this to DH later and he was also confused by it. So he asked his mom about it and it turns out that since 2 of her friends were unable to come to the wedding due to illness (they told her the day before), she just went ahead and in invited this random woman Kim, and never told me or DH. DH told her that it was totally inappropriate for her to be inviting people, and that it was really tacky that she would call someone and be like "hey, want to come to my son's wedding tomorrow?". He also mentioned that it was gross that Kim would accept a last minute invitation to a wedding when she obviously wasn't on the guest list to begin with. To all of this MIL responded, "what's the big deal, she came after dinner". Ugh, gross.
    The "big deal" was that she had no business being invited, let alone coming at all, and both she and your MIL were extremely rude.

    Don't let your MIL invite anyone to anything you ever do again.
    yeah....we didn't LET her do anything. That's the issue she did it without telling us!
    Yeah.  So make sure she has no way to invite anyone to anything you ever do again.  If necessary, tell the other persons yourselves that unfortunately, due to confusion, you're not able to accommodate them.  And if necessary, have them escorted away.
    i don't think you're understanding me (or perhaps just being obstinate). how could we possibly make sure she has no way to invite anyone to anything? she has a voice and a phone and an email. 

    and no, i would not ask someone to leave a party or have him/her escorted out of a party because of someone else's faux pas. its not like this was a person explicitly NOT invited. this was not her fault. she didn't know that the hosts were unaware of the 2nd hand invitation.
    Let me ask this:  Do you do all your planning of every single get-together in her presence or in the presence of people who report back to her?

    Something else: The person who shows up without a proper invitation is actually committing a faux pas, and it is not a faux pas to tell them to leave.  In fact, if any adverse consequences result from that, it is your MIL's fault-not yours.

    As long as you get defensive about your decisions to involve your MIL in your life and not set or maintain any boundaries, guess what?  By not doing so, you absorb some of the responsibility for what she does.  You have the right to tell her no.  You have the right to not host her uninvited guests.  If you choose not to avail yourself of your rights, you forfeit sympathy as well as give away your rights to her on a silver platter. 

    You and your FI are presumably adults.  Grow up and own your own decisions to act or not to act and the results thereof instead of childishly calling me "obstinate" or accusing me of "misunderstanding.".  You do not have to let your MIL get away with anything.
    You are a treasure.

    Why, thank you.  Like I said, grow up, own your decisions, and knock off the name-calling.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 2014
    RajahBMFD said:
    Jen4948 said:
    cruffino said:
    Jen4948 said:
    cruffino said:
    cruffino said:
    So towards the end of the reception MIL pulls me aside to meet her friend Kim. I am very gracious and thank her for coming, all the while thinking, "who the hell is Kim, there was no Kim on the guest list". I also am thinking yhat there is something weird and untrustworthy about this woman. I mention this to DH later and he was also confused by it. So he asked his mom about it and it turns out that since 2 of her friends were unable to come to the wedding due to illness (they told her the day before), she just went ahead and in invited this random woman Kim, and never told me or DH. DH told her that it was totally inappropriate for her to be inviting people, and that it was really tacky that she would call someone and be like "hey, want to come to my son's wedding tomorrow?". He also mentioned that it was gross that Kim would accept a last minute invitation to a wedding when she obviously wasn't on the guest list to begin with. To all of this MIL responded, "what's the big deal, she came after dinner". Ugh, gross.
    The "big deal" was that she had no business being invited, let alone coming at all, and both she and your MIL were extremely rude.

    Don't let your MIL invite anyone to anything you ever do again.
    yeah....we didn't LET her do anything. That's the issue she did it without telling us!
    Yeah.  So make sure she has no way to invite anyone to anything you ever do again.  If necessary, tell the other persons yourselves that unfortunately, due to confusion, you're not able to accommodate them.  And if necessary, have them escorted away.
    i don't think you're understanding me (or perhaps just being obstinate). how could we possibly make sure she has no way to invite anyone to anything? she has a voice and a phone and an email. 

    and no, i would not ask someone to leave a party or have him/her escorted out of a party because of someone else's faux pas. its not like this was a person explicitly NOT invited. this was not her fault. she didn't know that the hosts were unaware of the 2nd hand invitation.
    Let me ask this:  Do you do all your planning of every single get-together in her presence or in the presence of people who report back to her?

    Something else: The person who shows up without a proper invitation is actually committing a faux pas, and it is not a faux pas to tell them to leave.  In fact, if any adverse consequences result from that, it is your MIL's fault-not yours.

    As long as you get defensive about your decisions to involve your MIL in your life and not set or maintain any boundaries, guess what?  By not doing so, you absorb some of the responsibility for what she does.  You have the right to tell her no.  You have the right to not host her uninvited guests.  If you choose not to avail yourself of your rights, you forfeit sympathy as well as give away your rights to her on a silver platter. 

    You and your FI are presumably adults.  Grow up and own your own decisions to act or not to act and the results thereof instead of childishly calling me "obstinate" or accusing me of "misunderstanding.".  You do not have to let your MIL get away with anything.
    Seriously? She didn't "let" MIL invite this person. She didn't know about it. And the only information MIL need to invite this person to the wedding was the when and where, which she would have from the invitation that she got. So it has nothing to do with whether or not they plan anything with or around her. In this situation, there was literally nothing she could have done to prevent the uninvited guest. Just because she chose to be the bigger person and not make the crasher leave doesn't mean she's defending MIL and not acting like an adult. 
    That's just it-she chose to "let" MIL invite this person by not insisting the MIL disinvite her or not admitting her at the wedding.

    She was not under any compulsion to entertain this unwanted person at all.  She and her FI had every opportunity to set and maintain a boundary, and didn't avail themselves of it-again, a choice that they didn't have to make.  But instead she's trying to play the victim card as well as accusing someone else of being "obstinate" and "not understanding" - none of which are the actions of a mature adult.
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  • InkdancerInkdancer member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Jen4948 said:
    RajahBMFD said:
    Jen4948 said:
    cruffino said:
    Jen4948 said:
    cruffino said:
    cruffino said:
    So towards the end of the reception MIL pulls me aside to meet her friend Kim. I am very gracious and thank her for coming, all the while thinking, "who the hell is Kim, there was no Kim on the guest list". I also am thinking yhat there is something weird and untrustworthy about this woman. I mention this to DH later and he was also confused by it. So he asked his mom about it and it turns out that since 2 of her friends were unable to come to the wedding due to illness (they told her the day before), she just went ahead and in invited this random woman Kim, and never told me or DH. DH told her that it was totally inappropriate for her to be inviting people, and that it was really tacky that she would call someone and be like "hey, want to come to my son's wedding tomorrow?". He also mentioned that it was gross that Kim would accept a last minute invitation to a wedding when she obviously wasn't on the guest list to begin with. To all of this MIL responded, "what's the big deal, she came after dinner". Ugh, gross.
    The "big deal" was that she had no business being invited, let alone coming at all, and both she and your MIL were extremely rude.

    Don't let your MIL invite anyone to anything you ever do again.
    yeah....we didn't LET her do anything. That's the issue she did it without telling us!
    Yeah.  So make sure she has no way to invite anyone to anything you ever do again.  If necessary, tell the other persons yourselves that unfortunately, due to confusion, you're not able to accommodate them.  And if necessary, have them escorted away.
    i don't think you're understanding me (or perhaps just being obstinate). how could we possibly make sure she has no way to invite anyone to anything? she has a voice and a phone and an email. 

    and no, i would not ask someone to leave a party or have him/her escorted out of a party because of someone else's faux pas. its not like this was a person explicitly NOT invited. this was not her fault. she didn't know that the hosts were unaware of the 2nd hand invitation.
    Let me ask this:  Do you do all your planning of every single get-together in her presence or in the presence of people who report back to her?

    Something else: The person who shows up without a proper invitation is actually committing a faux pas, and it is not a faux pas to tell them to leave.  In fact, if any adverse consequences result from that, it is your MIL's fault-not yours.

    As long as you get defensive about your decisions to involve your MIL in your life and not set or maintain any boundaries, guess what?  By not doing so, you absorb some of the responsibility for what she does.  You have the right to tell her no.  You have the right to not host her uninvited guests.  If you choose not to avail yourself of your rights, you forfeit sympathy as well as give away your rights to her on a silver platter. 

    You and your FI are presumably adults.  Grow up and own your own decisions to act or not to act and the results thereof instead of childishly calling me "obstinate" or accusing me of "misunderstanding.".  You do not have to let your MIL get away with anything.
    Seriously? She didn't "let" MIL invite this person. She didn't know about it. And the only information MIL need to invite this person to the wedding was the when and where, which she would have from the invitation that she got. So it has nothing to do with whether or not they plan anything with or around her. In this situation, there was literally nothing she could have done to prevent the uninvited guest. Just because she chose to be the bigger person and not make the crasher leave doesn't mean she's defending MIL and not acting like an adult. 
    That's just it-she chose to "let" MIL invite this person by not insisting the MIL disinvite her or not admitting her at the wedding.

    She was not under any compulsion to entertain this unwanted person at all.  She and her FI had every opportunity to set and maintain a boundary, and didn't avail themselves of it-again, a choice that they didn't have to make.  But instead she's trying to play the victim card as well as accusing someone else of being "obstinate" and "not understanding" - none of which are the actions of a mature adult.
    I disagree. She did not meet the unwanted guest, or know of said guest's presence, until most of the way through the reception. As it was already most of the way through the party, it would have been rude and hurtful to eject the guest.

    Had she known in advance, she certainly could have done something. But pitching a fit and having someone kicked out halfway through your wedding reception is much more childish.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 2014
    Also, @cruffino, I was actually talking in my initial post in this thread about future interactions with your MIL, not your wedding.  I agree with you that she had no business inviting this guest and the guest had no business coming.

    But if it happens in the future, it's because you choose to do nothing about it.  You have the right not to allow your MIL to bring uninvited guests to your events.  You just need to enforce your rights and boundaries and make clear to your MIL that there will be adverse consequences to her if she does-and follow through.  You do not have to admit her uninvited guests.  If you do, it is your choice.  If you don't, you are not a victim-you made your choice to admit that person and you'll need to own up.  It is not rude not to allow uninvited guests not to participate when they show up.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Not all issues involving a MIL is boundary related. MIL made a mistake. She is human. Doesn't mean that MIL needs to be publicly put in her place so-to-speak for said mistake. Nor does it mean by letting it slide means there will long term boundary issues.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 2014
    lyndausvi said:
    Not all issues involving a MIL is boundary related. MIL made a mistake. She is human. Doesn't mean that MIL needs to be publicly put in her place so-to-speak for said mistake. Nor does it mean by letting it slide means there will long term boundary issues.
    In this particular instance, the MIL deliberately breached etiquette and when called on it gave off a "so what?" attitude.  That's not a "mistake" but a deliberate breach of etiquette with absolutely no concern for the needs of anyone but herself and her uninvited guest.

    I think that while nothing might need to be said to her now, she probably will try the same thing again in the future if she's allowed to get away with it and there are no adverse consequences to her.   Adverse consequences don't necessarily mean a public dressing down, but they might mean something like not being invited to future events or not being allowed to participate in the planning.
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  • blabla89blabla89 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I can see why this might be upsetting to cruffino but I'm not sure why anyone else is getting their panties in a wad...just saying.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    lalalaurita said:
    I can see why this might be upsetting to cruffino but I'm not sure why anyone else is getting their panties in a wad...just saying.
    Yeah some people are taking this way to personal.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 2014
    lyndausvi said:
    lalalaurita said:
    I can see why this might be upsetting to cruffino but I'm not sure why anyone else is getting their panties in a wad...just saying.
    Yeah some people are taking this way to personal.
    Perhaps because she misunderstood a post that was actually meant to be sympathetic and started accusing me of being "obstinate" and "deliberately" misunderstanding her?
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  • fionahalliwellfionahalliwell member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    If that's sympathy, then clearly, I want to avoid anger. 

    Point is this: cruffino didn't know that her MIL was bringing an uninvited guest. When she met her at the end, she still couldn't be completely sure she was uninvited (as anyone trying to keep track of 100+ guests who span two families should know). When she figured it out, she told MIL, who didn't see the big deal. That doesn't mean MIL's going to invite guests to, say, an intimate dinner party of 12. I think cruffino probably knows MIL well enough to know whether or not she has a problem. And besides, none of us can say. We don't know the MIL. 
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  • MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    RajahBMFD said:
    Jen4948 said:
    cruffino said:
    Jen4948 said:
    cruffino said:
    cruffino said:
    So towards the end of the reception MIL pulls me aside to meet her friend Kim. I am very gracious and thank her for coming, all the while thinking, "who the hell is Kim, there was no Kim on the guest list". I also am thinking yhat there is something weird and untrustworthy about this woman. I mention this to DH later and he was also confused by it. So he asked his mom about it and it turns out that since 2 of her friends were unable to come to the wedding due to illness (they told her the day before), she just went ahead and in invited this random woman Kim, and never told me or DH. DH told her that it was totally inappropriate for her to be inviting people, and that it was really tacky that she would call someone and be like "hey, want to come to my son's wedding tomorrow?". He also mentioned that it was gross that Kim would accept a last minute invitation to a wedding when she obviously wasn't on the guest list to begin with. To all of this MIL responded, "what's the big deal, she came after dinner". Ugh, gross.
    The "big deal" was that she had no business being invited, let alone coming at all, and both she and your MIL were extremely rude.

    Don't let your MIL invite anyone to anything you ever do again.
    yeah....we didn't LET her do anything. That's the issue she did it without telling us!
    Yeah.  So make sure she has no way to invite anyone to anything you ever do again.  If necessary, tell the other persons yourselves that unfortunately, due to confusion, you're not able to accommodate them.  And if necessary, have them escorted away.
    i don't think you're understanding me (or perhaps just being obstinate). how could we possibly make sure she has no way to invite anyone to anything? she has a voice and a phone and an email. 

    and no, i would not ask someone to leave a party or have him/her escorted out of a party because of someone else's faux pas. its not like this was a person explicitly NOT invited. this was not her fault. she didn't know that the hosts were unaware of the 2nd hand invitation.
    Let me ask this:  Do you do all your planning of every single get-together in her presence or in the presence of people who report back to her?

    Something else: The person who shows up without a proper invitation is actually committing a faux pas, and it is not a faux pas to tell them to leave.  In fact, if any adverse consequences result from that, it is your MIL's fault-not yours.

    As long as you get defensive about your decisions to involve your MIL in your life and not set or maintain any boundaries, guess what?  By not doing so, you absorb some of the responsibility for what she does.  You have the right to tell her no.  You have the right to not host her uninvited guests.  If you choose not to avail yourself of your rights, you forfeit sympathy as well as give away your rights to her on a silver platter. 

    You and your FI are presumably adults.  Grow up and own your own decisions to act or not to act and the results thereof instead of childishly calling me "obstinate" or accusing me of "misunderstanding.".  You do not have to let your MIL get away with anything.
    Seriously? She didn't "let" MIL invite this person. She didn't know about it. And the only information MIL need to invite this person to the wedding was the when and where, which she would have from the invitation that she got. So it has nothing to do with whether or not they plan anything with or around her. In this situation, there was literally nothing she could have done to prevent the uninvited guest. Just because she chose to be the bigger person and not make the crasher leave doesn't mean she's defending MIL and not acting like an adult. 
    That's just it-she chose to "let" MIL invite this person by not insisting the MIL disinvite her or not admitting her at the wedding.

    She was not under any compulsion to entertain this unwanted person at all.  She and her FI had every opportunity to set and maintain a boundary, and didn't avail themselves of it-again, a choice that they didn't have to make.  But instead she's trying to play the victim card as well as accusing someone else of being "obstinate" and "not understanding" - none of which are the actions of a mature adult.
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