Non-traditional views, traditional judgment

Maus31 · June 2013

I am a very non-traditional person. I do not hold well with the mind-set of "Everyone always does it that way, so you have to do it that way." My wedding is October 31st of this year. Our church ceremony will be a very normal ceremony in the aspect that there will be no Halloween costumes or decorations. And my colors are green and silver, so there's no black and orange. My dress, however, is an emerald green dress that's much more styled like a bridesmaids dress. I'm not wearing a veil with it either. From day one of planning, everyone in my family has been yelling at me about how I can't do that. I have to go with a white dress because that's what everyone wants to see. I just smile and say "It's my dress. I'm wearing it. I'm wearing what I want." I've even had someone tell me that for my second marriage, I can wear whatever color I want, but for my first, I need to wear white. Thanks for assuming my marriage will be a failure. I'm not doing flower bouquets, I'm doing wire bouquets. I'm practical and don't see the value in spending lots of money on flowers that are going to die by the end of the week. Wire bouquets will last forever and are not that expensive. My reception will be a costume party. I want people to be able to dress up and have fun. And I want to serve my favorite food in the world, which is tacos. My fiance and I planned out having a nice taco bar set out so people can make tacos the way they want them. Both families are in an uproar over this. We need to serve food that's expected at a wedding, they say. You just can't have tacos, they say. Well why the hell not? I've never been to a wedding that had catered food and thought "This is so delicious, I'd eat it again!" I want good food. My food. I'm just a little afraid I'll be the least favorite in-law on his side of the family. He supports all of these decisions. I know that's what matters, but I wish my family would support them too. It's hurtful that they can't see past what they want and realize that this is my day and they should support me. Am I wrong for ignoring their complaints and doing what I want?

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

I think your wedding sounds awesome, interesting and like a ton of fun. I love the idea of a green dress - really cool - and also your taco bar sounds DELICIOUS!

As long as you stick to good etiquette and proper hosting, wear and decorate however you want. That said, I would not state any attire information on your invitations ("Costume Party"). I would spread this by word of mouth that people can wear costumes if they want to, but no pressure.

gmcr78 · June 2013

Ditto PPs. I think your wedding sounds rad, and as long as you're hosting properly, your family should have nothing to say.

Word of advice-stop telling them any wedding details. You don't need to hear their negativity.

pink34562000 · July 2013

Those who pay get a say. Are you and your FI footing the bill? If you are, then, plan it however you want as long as you properly host your guests. Personally, I love the idea of the green dress. (It's my favorite color.)

I was a non-traditional bride and heard comments from others too. I always told them that I'm a non-traditional bride and always envisioned a fun, unique wedding. We properly hosted our wedding with delicious food and drinks in a beautiful setting that people didn't even realize the traditional elements that were missing or were modified. Everyone had a good time, and we still get comments from people to this day that our wedding was so much fun.

Plan a fun wedding that your friends and family will enjoy! And, ignore those "nay sayers".

JediLeia · September 2013

I would rsvp soooo fast if knew tacos would be available. Awesome! I agree, stop sharing details. Say it on here instead. We are the best people to 'oooh' & 'ahh' it all anyway. Wear what you want with no guilt. Eat what you want with no guilt. As long as it's about you and your FI, then everybody else can shut up and eat... oh, and as long as you have booze, they will not care what they are eating anyway. It certainly can't be worse than most rubber chicken & wedding veggie mix one usually is offered. If they don't want to come, invite me. I'm a great wedding guest: I give $, smile and tear up during your vows, clap loudly and cheer for you, will make a point to tell you that you look beautiful, will dance to even the dumb songs, i don't require a +1, my FI can stay home, but he does the same stuff I do, and I will eat the rubber chicken and tell you it was delicious so that you don't feel bad about spending all that money on it. That is the job of a wedding guest.

In the end, guests usually enjoy unique weddings because they feel more connected to the couple. Tradition is only tradition until people start doing it differently, then new traditions are born.

WildMagelet · September 2013

Who is paying for the wedding? Whoever is paying gets a say in how their money is spent. If they are paying for part of it then you should sit down and come up with some acceptable compromises or decline their funds and pay for it yourself.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a green wedding dress. That's perfectly acceptable. Your dress doesn't *have* to be a white ballgown.

There's nothing wrong with tacos. Tacos sound delicious!

Costume party sounds awesome as long as it's not required. I would bring some extra costume accessories (masks, wings, boas, etc.) for people who don't bring one with but still want to have fun and dress up.

Beyonds the funds issue - you need to look at your relationships with these people and ultimately decide if you want to ignore them, attempt to reason or compromise with them, or give in to them and how that will affect your relationship with them in the future. If someone told me they thought I should do something just because "that's what everyone else does" I wouldn't give it as much weight as if my mom/grandma hypothetically told me she'd always dreamed of me wearing a white ballgown on my wedding day and it would mean a lot to her if I would (in which case I would probably wear the gown for the ceremony and have an awesome reception dress in the color/style of my choice).

darlinganastasia · September 2013

my wedding is 2 days after yours and we are having a dis de los muertos wedding...with tacos.

In my honest opinion, its YOUR wedding. damn tradition. You cant please everyone. The only people who should be appeased is you and your FI.

Majelin86 · September 2013

I love that you're doing what you want! I am also getting odd looks from some family members because my bridesmaids are wearing red Converse sneakers for their shoes!

Definitely do what YOU want and screw tradition, the day is about you and your groom, so why not have things that you both love?!

WonderRed · September 2013

I LOVE TACOS!!!! OP, your ideas sound like a blast. Hosting your guests is always important but I'd much rather go to a quirky, fun wedding, like you've described, than yet another version of every other wedding I've attended.

darlinganastasia said:

my wedding is 2 days after yours and we are having a dis de los muertos wedding...with tacos.

FI and I are both from northern New Mexico and he just moved here from Santa Fe so we talked about incorporating this into ours as well when we realized it was two day after Halloween. (We're also November 2.)

jenn77b · September 2013

Wow, from just reading this thread and all of the responses, I've realized that I've found the right board to come to. I have been on some other boards and the MUSTS and the CAN'Ts are more than I can bear. I really can't stand that people have such rigid rules and expectations about weddings. Actually, you CAN and WILL do whatever you want, regardless of what others will think. Someone will always have a differing opinion and you can't please everyone. If I read one more post about how "you MUST do this or your guests will 'side-eye' you" I'm going to puke. If you are that worried that your guests are going to judge you, then maybe they shouldn't be your guests. I can't stand the term "side-eye" because of reading these threads.

Sorry to hijack your thread. I do think you will have a blast and a very memorable wedding, green dress and all. I don't even want to wear white/ivory because I don't think it flatters me at all.

May I suggest maybe having several types of meat fillings for your tacos? Like chicken/shrimp, etc.? I don't think you mentioned that aspect and that would be something I would love...I like a variety of tacos.

lebeers · January 2014

Wow, from just reading this thread and all of the responses, I've realized that I've found the right board to come to. I have been on some other boards and the MUSTS and the CAN'Ts are more than I can bear. I really can't stand that people have such rigid rules and expectations about weddings. Actually, you CAN and WILL do whatever you want, regardless of what others will think. Someone will always have a differing opinion and you can't please everyone. If I read one more post about how "you MUST do this or your guests will 'side-eye' you" I'm going to puke. If you are that worried that your guests are going to judge you, then maybe they shouldn't be your guests. I can't stand the term "side-eye" because of reading these threads.

AMEN! I like the offbeat category. Home sweet taco.
Many posters are so intent on reminding brides that the reception is for the guests, and it is NOT about you. It is true that the reception is a big "thank you!" party for the guests and it's not all about the princess bride; I can't stand when couples think they don't have to consider their guests because it's their big day. But it is a party in honor of the bride and groom, the celebrate their love the miracle that they found one another, and it should capture the personality and spirit of that union.
My fiance and I are nerdy, artsy weirdos. If we planned a traditional, proper wedding in fear that people would judge us or "side-eye" us, it would represent a completely different couple and our guests would wonder where we went. There would be whispers of body snatchers. Roses and ball gowns are awesome, but they really have nothing to do with my fiance and me. Neither do barns and mason jars for that matter. When we talk to friends about our wedding ("Maybe we'll get married at the zoo! Maybe we'll get pinwheels instead of flowers! Maybe we'll have grandma be the flower girl! Maybe we'll feed each other s'mores instead of the cake!") they totally think we're strange, but they already knew we're strange. They seem to love us anyway.
I also don't understand who these guests that all these posters seem to have to their weddings. They're so judgmental and so focused on everything the couple is doing wrong. Is anyone [who is not on the Knot] really this obsessed with etiquette? We all have family that may be a little judgmental or want a wedding more like their own, but they're family. That's kind of in the job description. And if any of my friends are seriously offended if I wear a tea-length dress or serve TACOS (yes, I am totally serving tacos!) then how the hell did they end up on my guest list?
When I get a wedding invitation I'm not like "But is the bride going to wear white? Is she going to carry real flowers? Are they going to have an open bar? Because if not, I'm not going and I feel disrespected and we're not friends anymore!" I'm like, "YAY! PARTY!!!"

kannf1982 · January 2014

Do what you want and have fun and screw everyone else. If I had a imd for every time somebody told me if i don't do X Y Z i am rude, trashy, tackily, inconsiderate, weird, etc etc etc ....Id be rich. Somehow when it comes to weddings, everyone wants to 1. act like they have deep pockets to afford every single last idiotic thing the wedding industry tells them they must have 2. all become hyper conformists that think if they sway from these "standards" one iota that they're some how lesser human beings.

My aunt and uncle had four kids...two sons, two daughters....all weddings about the usual 30K plus the other parents usual 3K rehearsal dinner, etc.....so long story short $120K + in weddings i attended between their four children and they all were cookie cutter middle of the road things with the usual generic pasta/meat/potato buffet line. Seems so dumb to me. Id rather it be different and memorable.

phira · January 2014

One of the things I've learned from planning a wedding is that weddings are VERY personal. As long as we're all clear from an etiquette perspective, I have no qualms with any wedding decisions. So many of us are pushing against tradition-for-tradition's-sake, but we need to do it inclusively. That means that people shouldn't give us shit for doing things differently (e.g. wearing a colorful dress, serving tacos, not having fresh flowers), and we shouldn't give people shit for sticking to tradition.

Etiquette matters to me. Tradition doesn't. But I don't think it helps to shit on traditions that some people care a lot about, when they're personal decisions that aren't offensive or rude to guests.

KRD2014 · February 2014

i love this thread ... i have read thru countless comments and arguements between brides on other boards, trashing each other's questions, ideas and decisions ... the general feel is "if you don't want to hear you're doing it wrong then don't ask for our advice" or "don't post your ridiculous ideas and expect us not to tell you it sucks" ... and it's been offputting to the point that i'm not willing to even risk asking my questions or offering opinions because you know you're going to get slammed so matter what you say! so THANK YOU offbeat ladies. i like knowing i'm not the only one out there with some interesting and fun ideas that might make our special day a little different and memorable for our family and friends *who know we are a little fun and interesting.

that being said, i agree with the above post. ettiquette matter to me, and most traditions don't. we've both been married before, we're both 40. we both said "if we ever do it again it will be simple and small".. WRONG. it's HUGE (trying to keep it under 200) and a ton of work and we want it to be fun. we're starting off with a cocktail hour in the late afternoon before the ceremony, then a quick wedding under a big tree, and back to the party, music and BBQ. all of our friends are looking forward to our casual wedding, knowing it won't be the cookie cutter type we're all familiar with. jeans and t-shirts, games, dancing. no garter toss, no father-daughter dance, no cake cutting.

cheers to you all doing your thing. i'm 6 months and a few days out ... and now the fun starts. paying all the deposits, trial hair and makeup. bridesmaid dress shopping, addressing invitations, hand making table numbers, escort cards (we're using reese's peanut butter cups -his favorite candy- with labels on them)....

woo hoo!

Pepperally · February 2014

KRD2014 said:

i love this thread ... i have read thru countless comments and arguements between brides on other boards, trashing each other's questions, ideas and decisions ... the general feel is "if you don't want to hear you're doing it wrong then don't ask for our advice" or "don't post your ridiculous ideas and expect us not to tell you it sucks" ... and it's been offputting to the point that i'm not willing to even risk asking my questions or offering opinions because you know you're going to get slammed so matter what you say! so THANK YOU offbeat ladies. i like knowing i'm not the only one out there with some interesting and fun ideas that might make our special day a little different and memorable for our family and friends *who know we are a little fun and interesting.

that being said, i agree with the above post. ettiquette matter to me, and most traditions don't. we've both been married before, we're both 40. we both said "if we ever do it again it will be simple and small".. WRONG. it's HUGE (trying to keep it under 200) and a ton of work and we want it to be fun. we're starting off with a cocktail hour in the late afternoon before the ceremony, then a quick wedding under a big tree, and back to the party, music and BBQ. all of our friends are looking forward to our casual wedding, knowing it won't be the cookie cutter type we're all familiar with. jeans and t-shirts, games, dancing. no garter toss, no father-daughter dance, no cake cutting.

cheers to you all doing your thing. i'm 6 months and a few days out ... and now the fun starts. paying all the deposits, trial hair and makeup. bridesmaid dress shopping, addressing invitations, hand making table numbers, escort cards (we're using reese's peanut butter cups -his favorite candy- with labels on them)....

woo hoo!

Actually, anyone can do whatever they damn well feel like doing. If people are tired of people asking the same questions, then maybe it's time for them to move on instead of berating and tearing people down. There are nice ways of providing advice and feedback. If you can't do that then just don't respond. I'm not being a whiny baby about it...there are some very rude people here no matter how you slice it. This is why I will not be asking any questions unless it has to do with something like how to figure out timing or logistics or something like that or more info on my local board. My ideas will most likely be nontraditional so I don't need traditional or narrow-minded people tearing me down for my ideas. I know who my guests will be and they are all that matters as far as opinions go.

FiancB · February 2014

I love your ideas. People have these weirdly strong schemas about weddings and that they must be done in a cookie cutter manner. It's bizarre.

I really like the masquerade mask idea. I've seen costume party weddings end up not having anyone dress up. Can you imagine how awkward that would be if only one person actually dressed up? The masks would get people into the spirit without being super over the top.

OnceUponSnow · February 2014

I'm applauding you for standing your ground. I would absolutely LOVE to attend your wedding and eat those tacos. I've never seen that kind of catering done, and I would definitely remember your wedding over dozens of others that all look all the same.

I had never heard of the reception being a thank you gift for your guests before joining the Knot. It's not how it's perceived here : it really is the bride and groom's day, and guests expect the wedding to look like them, wether they choose to remain traditional or to have more of an offbeat event. It absolutely doesn't mean that the guests are treated badly (another misconception I'm tired of reading/hearing), just use your common sense. Your guests are your friends and family, how could you possibly be mistreating them on purpose ? I don't buy it.

Weddings are seen differently and might have different meanings in different cultures, societies, and hell, generations ! Making our wedding ''our'' day means we want to personalize it to our tastes, not treat our guests like dirtbags.

kerbohl · February 2014

I just had my non-traditional wedding three weeks ago, and I have heard no negative comments. People were a little iffy about it before hand, but my blue and white dress was a big hit (and your green dress sounds gorgeous - wear it and enjoy it!), my non-traditional food was not only enjoyed, but people liked it so much they took pictures of it (turkey legs in the style of a medieval faire). You don't have to do anything - do what you want, make sure your guests are fed and not bored, and they probably won't notice that it isn't so traditional.

SammiNJonni · February 2014

My thoughts are as long as you are not breaking etiquette and all your guests are properly hosted then do what you want. Your green dress and tacos sound amazing. Personalize your wedding it never needs to be cookie cutter.

phira · February 2014

I went to a non-traditional wedding a couple of years ago. Everyone complained ... because the couple broke just about every etiquette rule in the book. All of the legit offbeat touches were really great! It just sucked because we were so poorly hosted.

edandy · February 2014

I think I found my board. I honestly want a traditional wedding, but I hate when everyone keeps getting judged because people will "side-eye" them. Some of these boards are so judgmental. I would die if I could go to a wedding with tacos instead of crappy chicken and rice.

I eat tacos once a week in my house, so obviously I love them.

I have a lot of weirdo ideas that I know would get judged on some of the other boards, but my family loves these ideas and know it reflects our personalities. For example, Ice cream cake for FI who has a gluten allergy. We weren't even going to have a cake, because it would be so much more expensive to get a gluten free one baked and they always taste nasty (have any of you ever bought gluten free baked goods?) and I didn't want to bake the cake myself. I was thinking cupcakes or pie for the guests. My engagement ring is my wedding ring, I will only have one ring. My oldest sister is marrying us. I have 5 other sisters, a best friend and a niece in my bridal party because I can't pick and choose just a few. I want to wear crazy shoes under my gown. I want long lacy sleeves on my gown. I hate the bouquet toss and the dollar dance.

I know my ideas aren't as weird or different as some on here, but they are weird enough for most boards to LOLSIDEEYE it.

I love new and interesting things. Get it ladies!

edandy · February 2014

Also, I love the idea of a Halloween wedding. My friend is having one and I really hope we are allowed to wear costumes. How awesome would that be??? I like the idea of providing costume pieces to guests who didn't wear any. Maybe they could double as party favors?

KRD2014 · February 2014

edandy said:

I think I found my board. I honestly want a traditional wedding, but I hate when everyone keeps getting judged because people will "side-eye" them. Some of these boards are so judgmental. I would die if I could go to a wedding with tacos instead of crappy chicken and rice.

YES~! I have pretty much given up on posting anywhere but here. i asked a simple question on another board, wanting input on other options to the "unity sand" thing... this is what i got:

edandy · February 2014

KRD2014 said:

edandy said:

I think I found my board. I honestly want a traditional wedding, but I hate when everyone keeps getting judged because people will "side-eye" them. Some of these boards are so judgmental. I would die if I could go to a wedding with tacos instead of crappy chicken and rice.

YES~! I have pretty much given up on posting anywhere but here. i asked a simple question on another board, wanting input on other options to the "unity sand" thing... this is what i got:

Lol! How DARE you want one more thing to symbolize unity? Feed each other a cookie? I've never heard of another unity ceremony besides the candle and sand.

I actually hate the candle idea, it's like you light a unity candle together and then you blow it out a few minutes later. Blowing out your marriage.

I just had an idea in the middle of the post. Have a piece of canvas set up and some paint and together make abstract art. Idk. HAHA

KRD2014 · February 2014

^^ haha ... abstract art unity painting. making 200 friends sit thru that would be awesome

... i actually found some usefull ideas on Google (go figure). we're looking into the idea of sand in an hourglass. bride and groom pour sand together into an hourglass, seal it up, then turn it over as a symbol of the start of your new life together. (although it runs out in a matter of minutes ... POOF the end of your marriage? LOL) ... but anyway the hourglass can be taken home and turned over again on each anniversary as a symbol of renewing your love, or whatever you want it to mean to you. the only problem i'm running into is finding an hourglass that isn't already sealed up with the sand inside! ....:) it's been fun searching for a unique idea for us.

Pepperally · February 2014

I saw on maybe Four Weddings two science nerds marrying and doing a science experiment together as their "unity" activity. It was a little out there and messy.

SammiNJonni · February 2014

KRD2014 said:

^^ haha ... abstract art unity painting. making 200 friends sit thru that would be awesome ... i actually found some usefull ideas on Google (go figure). we're looking into the idea of sand in an hourglass. bride and groom pour sand together into an hourglass, seal it up, then turn it over as a symbol of the start of your new life together. (although it runs out in a matter of minutes ... POOF the end of your marriage? LOL) ... but anyway the hourglass can be taken home and turned over again on each anniversary as a symbol of renewing your love, or whatever you want it to mean to you. the only problem i'm running into is finding an hourglass that isn't already sealed up with the sand inside! ....:) it's been fun searching for a unique idea for us.

They exist https://www.etsy.com/shop/UnitySandCeremony

KRD2014 · February 2014

SammiNJonni said:

They exist https://www.etsy.com/shop/UnitySandCeremony

Wow!! thanks

SammiNJonni · February 2014

Hopefully they have one you like.

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