Wedding Etiquette Forum

Paying sisters portion of the "couples" shower?

Good morning! WOW! Woke up with tons of questions/thoughts this morning!  3 months to go and so many things have changed from our original plans. I've managed to go with the flow with very little "break down" moments. Thank goodness but I think its all catching up to me now for good reasons. First, and most important, my sister, my maid of honor, has melanoma on her leg (diagnosed 2 weeks ago). She has had 2 previous dealings with it on her forehead. Having back pain, she had an MRI which shows a mass on her kidney. Because of her leg, the doctors are thinking it is cancer. Once she isnt snowed in, she will have some further testing done and we should know a definitive answer within a few weeks. I can't even breathe thinking about the possibility! Shes only 46 years old. She has a son who is 10 years old. If she is ill, I can't imagine having the wedding (to say the least). I would feel so horrible. I'm praying and hoping for the best for her and the family.

 My church "family" is hosting a couples shower for us this coming Saturday. I just found out yesterday that the bridesmaids have contributed "some" of their own money to the church for things THEY personally wanted to include. Because my sister has no health insurance and on disability, I don't want her to put out any money for this shower. Is there a way I can do this without insulting the other bridesmaids? They may very well have decided to not take my sisters portion but I don't want them to take on the "extra" financial burden. I am extremely uncomfortable with anyone doing anything for me (it a therapy worthy emotion). If this is an easy answer, I'm not arriving at it. I'm somewhat frozen in fear and cant seem to think straight. Please lift my sister up in prayer and also, my 41 year old brother. He called last night and told me that he may have tongue cancer.  Left a message, so I'm not sure what is going on with him! Ugh...my chest feels like its going to explode.

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Re: Paying sisters portion of the "couples" shower?

  • Firstly, I'm really sorry this is happening to your family.

    But I am a bit confused as to what money your sister will be out. If it is your church "family" hosting, they would be the ones to pay for refreshments, not your sister. Or are your bridesmaids hosting? What are the extra things they wanted included?




  • Thank you. Yes, Im totally with you on your confusion. Or, I should say I was. From what I know, the church is hosting. The administrative Pastor approached one of my bridesmaids with the idea/plan and asked for the assist of 2 of my bridesmaids who are also church members. The church is providing refreshments and food.

    I am not sure what the bridesmaids extras are. I do know that they gave my fiance 100 cd's for him to put his songs on as "favors." Apparently, this is something people want. Other then that, I have no clue. I thought maybe a cake but I'd be surprised with all the older women who love to bake.

    Its funny. I wish I knew nothing at all about the shower ( I hardly ever get surprised) but because the girls know Im on "the knot" they have asked me some questions stating that "you are all into the etiquette thing on that site so how....?"

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  • Although your heart is completely in the right place, there's no way to bring up the financial situation to the other bridesmaids without being rude.  The decision to put out money or not is your sister's decision, so trust that she can make the decision on her own.  If you mention this to your other bridesmaids, your sister may get hurt that you're going behind her back and making decisions based on how you feel about her financial situation.  I'm sure the other bridesmaids would completely understand if she mentions it to them.  And if she chooses to not mention it and still put in money, it's a very nice gesture on her part.   

     

    Thank you.  I did talk with my sis who was coming (lives out of state) but, (It just gets worse) the IRS confiscated her refund because her estranged husband owes something or other. I convinced her it was def. ok  and understandable if she couldnt make the shower because of finances. Im pretty sure by paying her part, I would be relieving her. I just dont want to be rude to the bridesmaids.

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  • Well, then it seems like you sister really won't be out any money if the other bridesmaids are hosting. I agree, it is a difficult situation to ask about the financial situations.

    Every family dynamic is different, but I am rather close with my sister- so if we were in the same situation, I would just drop a cheque or a grocery store gift card at my sister's place and just say "I know it is hard right now, so here is a little something to help". Don't make it about your shower, make it about helping her out. Again, only you know the dynamic and some people would be offended by this. And this is only if you are in a position to help financially. 
  • I am very sorry to read what your family is going through.
    I don't see how you paying your sisters part is rude to the other bridesmaids, as it is none of their business if you finically help your sister out. Just give your sister the money to cover her portion and have her send the money to whomever is collection it. I wouldn't even consider it paying for the shower, but rather giving my sister money because she doesn't have enough to cover her expenses this month.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • I love the idea of keeping the shower out of it and sending her a gift card!!! Thank you so much!!!

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  • If your sister is ill, have the wedding.  I know it seems wrong but have it.  Make as many happy memories as you can and give her as much normal as you can.  
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