3 hour unhosted gap!

PrincessLeia5 · February 2014

Okay, so I have a friend that is planning a 3-hour unhosted gap between her wedding ceremony & reception... and both are even being held at same venue. Actually, assuming the ceremony is about 1/2 hour, there is a 2.5-hour gap, then a cocktail hour, and then the reception. Total planned time from start of ceremony to end of reception is about 9 hours! Her reasoning is that she wants to do some off site photos with wedding party. I've tried telling her this is rude to the guests. She figures there is enough to do at the hotel to keep guests entertained during that time... I'm not sure what activities a hotel could offer that would keep me suitably entertained for that long while I'm all dressed up, especially if you don't have a room booked there to go relax in. I've suggested doing a "first look" early so they can do the wedding photos before ceremony, but she didn't like that idea. I've mentioned it a couple times, but she's pretty stuck with this idea. Is there any other way that I can convince her that this is a really bad idea and good way to make her guests hate her wedding? Or, do I just tell myself that I've tried, I can't force her to change it, and let her shoot herself in her foot with this choice?

photokitty · February 2014

tell her to come on here to get info on gaps and hosting her wedding - we'll tell her for you

phira · February 2014

NOT ENOUGH NOPE.

PrincessLeia5 · February 2014

photokitty said:

tell her to come on here to get info on gaps and hosting her wedding - we'll tell her for you

I have actually referred her to this forum already. And even said I've seen posts here about worst weddings people have attended and the big gaps were one of the biggest wedding complaints from guests.

singinchick13 · February 2014

Tell her that the whole purpose of the cocktail hour is to host her guests while she is having photos done. She needs to start it as soon as the ceremony is over.

banana468 · February 2014

Tell her you can't promise that you'll attend the ceremony.

hikebikebemerry · February 2014

Tell her for every 30 minutes of gap time, another panda dies.

Tell her to just think of the pandas!!

sofakingmad · February 2014

Maybe you could suggest that she set up some sort of hospitality room in the hotel with some punch and cheese plates or something.

I'm so used to gaps, that I just come to expect them and I will go home and change into my evening wear/freshen up before heading to the reception, which can easily take 2 hours with travel. That's pretty standard in my circle. However, I find it kind of strange to have a huge gap like that when they are having the ceremony at the hotel. That is definitely strange.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

Log onto TK from your phone the next time you are with her, and read over the comments in the Worst Wedding thread related to gaps.

Other than that, let her make this terrible mistake and then record everyone who bitches about it behind her back and play it back to her after her honeymoon.

JCbride2015 · February 2014

Fi just looked over my shoulder and asked what we were talking about.

Me: "A gap between ceremony and reception."

Fi: "Yeah, that's when you go drink."

Me: "That's the cocktail hour, the bride and groom host that. This is just a gap."

Fi: "You mean... they expect people to wander around aimlessly?"

Seriously, read your friend some TK comments. Even if somebody can't articulate it's against etiquette or specifically rude, no guests wants to "wander around aimlessly" for three hours.

MyNameIsNot · February 2014

Unfortunately, you've done your best. It sounds like nothing you can say or do is going to convince her to care about her guests. If it isn't clear on the invitation, I would tactfully make sure any mutual friends were aware, in case they want to plan to skip one part.

huskypuppy14 · February 2014

A gap when the ceremony and reception are at the same venue is way worse than when there is a gap between the church and the reception venue.

Mandafly84 · February 2014

Ick

wrigleyville · February 2014

This is so incredibly selfish. There is no excuse for this when it's the same freaking venue. It should be wedding, cocktail hour, then reception. Pictures at some pretty place are not worth being jerks to your guests.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

wrigleyville said:

This is so incredibly selfish. There is no excuse for this when it's the same freaking venue. It should be wedding, cocktail hour, then reception. Pictures at some pretty place are not worth being jerks to your guests.

Exactly.

Go take the damn pictures during cocktail hour.

Or hire your photogs to do a separate portrait session with you and your new husband after the wedding so you don't have to drag your WP all over God's green acre and waste their time when they could be winding down and eating and drinking, finally!

Jean0715 · February 2014

I was a guest at wedding with a similar situation…it was terrible. Most people went to the hotel bar and drank. Some of us drank too much to the point that when the "free drinks" at cocktail hour came around there was no controlling some people, or their mouths. Plus EVERYONE was in shock that 3 hours could feel like an eternity. Everyone was ready to go home by the start of cocktail hour.

mysticl · February 2014

The only thing I can think of to do at a hotel if you aren't a registered guest is head to the bar and drink…….a lot. If I'm staying there in theory I can go back to my room and chill, but not really because I have to keep my eye on the clock to be back at the reception and I don't want to mess up my clothes/hair/makeup. I could hit the pool but that means redoing my hair and make up. So it looks like the hotel bar again. Your friend is going to have a lot of very drunk people at her reception.

JellyBean52513 · February 2014

Am I the only one who has zero interest in taking a million pictures in between the ceremony and the reception? Seriously, snap a few shots at the church/ceremony site, MAYBE a couple outside if it's a nice day out, and then get to the reception. 20 mins, tops. I just remember how exhausting engagement photos were, and that was an hour session. Why would I drag myself, my new H, AND our BP/families through hours of that? For some pictures that will sit in a photo album, or get 'Liked' on Facebook once they're uploaded and never really looked at again?

saacjw · February 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

Am I the only one who has zero interest in taking a million pictures in between the ceremony and the reception? Seriously, snap a few shots at the church/ceremony site, MAYBE a couple outside if it's a nice day out, and then get to the reception. 20 mins, tops. I just remember how exhausting engagement photos were, and that was an hour session. Why would I drag myself, my new H, AND our BP/families through hours of that? For some pictures that will sit in a photo album, or get 'Liked' on Facebook once they're uploaded and never really looked at again?

Nope. We took a few pictures with family after the ceremony, ran to a bar for a drink, and were at the reception hall just as the cocktails and hors d'ouerves were being cleared. We didn't do many of the extra posed pictures, because of the same thing you think and did most of our bridal party and family pictures before the ceremony.

Cookie Pusher · February 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

Am I the only one who has zero interest in taking a million pictures in between the ceremony and the reception? Seriously, snap a few shots at the church/ceremony site, MAYBE a couple outside if it's a nice day out, and then get to the reception. 20 mins, tops. I just remember how exhausting engagement photos were, and that was an hour session. Why would I drag myself, my new H, AND our BP/families through hours of that? For some pictures that will sit in a photo album, or get 'Liked' on Facebook once they're uploaded and never really looked at again?

Not just you! We plan on actually being at most of our cocktail hour. Our photographer already knows the deal - we both have small immediate families so we only need a handful of pictures.

jenniferurs · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

wrigleyville said:

This is so incredibly selfish. There is no excuse for this when it's the same freaking venue. It should be wedding, cocktail hour, then reception. Pictures at some pretty place are not worth being jerks to your guests.

Exactly.

Go take the damn pictures during cocktail hour.

Or hire your photogs to do a separate portrait session with you and your new husband after the wedding so you don't have to drag your WP all over God's green acre and waste their time when they could be winding down and eating and drinking, finally!

Exactly.

I love my venue, but it's not the best for formal portraits. There's no outdoors space whatsoever. This doesn't matter to me, but it matters to my mother greatly, and since she happens to be the one paying for the wedding, I want to accommodate her in whatever way possible. So you know what we're doing? A bride and groom photo shoot at a different locale...ON A DIFFERENT DAY.

Wanting pretty pictures is no excuse to be rude to your guests. If the pictures are so important to you, make it work on your own damn time, not the borrowed time of others.

majesty318 · February 2014

I am not as bothered by gaps as a lot of people are, BUT a gap when ceremony & reception are in the same place is insane. I never wanted to do a first look. I always wanted FI to see me for the first time coming down the aisle. But we are having ceremony & reception in the same place. Also, there is no way I am missing my NJ cocktail hour. So guess what... we are doing first look. Your friend's plan is crazy and I agree that everyone will be trashed by the time they make it to cocktail hour. Perhaps trashed enough to tell her how they really feel.

Jen4948 · February 2014

Your friend needs to give up the idea of offsite photos with the wedding party for 3 hours while her guests do nothing. That makes no sense and is so completely rude to her guests that if she does it, it wouldn't surprise me if she came back from her 3 hour photo shoot to find all her guests gone.

delujm0 · February 2014

This happened to me once...and a bunch of my high school friends and I just went to one person's parents' house for the gap and got trashed because the house was walking distance to the reception site. It was maybe the drunkest I've ever been without getting sick. And someone actually DID get sick in the shuttle from the reception to the event hotel afterwards. While the Bride and Groom were there to see it.

So if you're looking to host a wedding where half of your guests are unruly and wasted, this sounds like a great idea! For reference, we were not college students at the time...we were 28 years old and none of us drink that way on a normal basis. We were just like "what the F else are we going to do for 3 hours?" It was a MESS.

I will say that that particular wedding was at two separate venues at least. It is absolutely, completely INSANE to have a gap when the ceremony and reception are at the same location. That is so rude that even if the bride was my sister I would decline to attend. Or attend only one of the two events. Who thinks that this is normal? Obviously these people have control of the venue for the whole day, they just don't feel like being good hosts. They sound awful.

Peaseblossom55 · February 2014

majesty318 said:

I am not as bothered by gaps as a lot of people are, BUT a gap when ceremony & reception are in the same place is insane. I never wanted to do a first look. I always wanted FI to see me for the first time coming down the aisle. But we are having ceremony & reception in the same place. Also, there is no way I am missing my NJ cocktail hour. So guess what... we are doing first look. Your friend's plan is crazy and I agree that everyone will be trashed by the time they make it to cocktail hour. Perhaps trashed enough to tell her how they really feel.

Yea being from NJ too, you don't want to miss cocktail hour!!! :-)

PrincessLeia5 · February 2014

On the bright side, she was debating getting married in advance and turning this into a PPD, but I'm pretty sure I've talked her out of that one. (She REALLY needs to come on this site... a lot). Somehow she realizes that the PPD is rude, but doesn't get how rude the gap is... honestly, I think the gap is way worse than a PPD.

Oh, she also wants it adult-only, which means guests need to get babysitters for 10+ hours! Although, most kids wouldn't be patient enough for a 9-hour marathon wedding, so maybe that's a good thing.

I have also convinced her to at least include the whole event schedule on the invites, so guests will know in advance that there is a gap and can plan accordingly. I am actually considering getting a room at the hotel that night, just so I have someplace to hang out or quickly retreat to after 9 hours of her marathon wedding craziness.

melbenso · February 2014

I seriously wonder if some of the people who plan multi-hour gaps have ever been to a wedding before in their lives. The "I need to be at every second of cocktail hour" mindset baffles me.

There has been no significant gap at any wedding that I have ever attended (one or two had about 15 minutes because guests arrived a little earlier than planned and event staff were still setting things up in the area the cocktail hour was being held - but I don't hold something like that against the bride and groom). And I have never attended a wedding where the bride and groom were present for all of the cocktail hour.

If you have ever attended a wedding before, it is pretty clear that the point of the cocktail hour is to entertain guests while the bride and groom are otherwise occupied after the ceremony.

Jen4948 · February 2014

I bet this wedding ends up on Etiquette Hell.

princessleia22 · February 2014

We are probably doing a couple photos with family after ceremony or at reception, but maybe 10-15 min. at most. Then we are doing posed couple shots after the reception (it's easier to do since we are having early afternoon wedding & reception). I figure that we probably won't be framing wedding party photos anyway... maybe one family picture, if that. But, the framed photos are going to mainly be just FI and I. We also want to get some photos at different location, so we plan on getting dressed up again a couple days after the wedding and doing a beach photo shoot, with just bride, groom, and photographer.

grumbledore · February 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

Am I the only one who has zero interest in taking a million pictures in between the ceremony and the reception? Seriously, snap a few shots at the church/ceremony site, MAYBE a couple outside if it's a nice day out, and then get to the reception. 20 mins, tops. I just remember how exhausting engagement photos were, and that was an hour session. Why would I drag myself, my new H, AND our BP/families through hours of that? For some pictures that will sit in a photo album, or get 'Liked' on Facebook once they're uploaded and never really looked at again?

You're not alone - we are doing a bare minimum of posed photos because we don't even like having our pictures taken. We just want a few to commemorate the day. We're not models, we don't want to be followed around by cameras all day.

tcnoble · February 2014

@PrincessLeia5 I'm facing the same issue with a friend, and no number of referrals to TK etiquette boards will change her mind.

3 hour unhosted gap!

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