More women are "marrying down"

KatWAG · February 2014

Forgive me if this had already been disucssed, I have been a bit absent lately.

I saw this article (actually several articles) and it got me thinking. Does it really matter if you and your SO/FI/ H/ BF/GF/ etc have the same level of education and income? Does it affect your marriage now? Do you think it could in the long term?

Technically, H "married down" with me. He has a masters. I have a bachelors. And he makes substanially more money than I do. Sometimes I worry that I am not contributing enough to the family. Although he has never said or done anything to make me think he feels that way.

http://www.latimes.com/business/money/la-fi-mo-record-number-of-educated-women-are-marrying-down-20140212,0,3296715.story#axzz2tsGdESY9

JennyColada · February 2014

I definitely think that Fi is "marrying down" with me, but that's mainly my own bias/insecurity.

Fi makes about 4x more than I do (my yearly net income is what he pays in taxes actually). But I have more education (I have "some college" and he has a GED).

But really, I could not care less.

cupcait927 · February 2014

Right now, FI and I are completely equal. We both have the same level of education and pretty much make the same in salary, but in different fields. We both have the potential to make a lot more in our careers but it's a matter of who gets there first. After dating down myself for my last two serious relationships, it's nice to me to have someone on the same level as myself, in terms of working hard and achieving goals (not necessarily the money or the education level).

PolarBearFitz · February 2014

I don't think it matters as long as whoever is making more or has more education isn't using it in arguments against the other. For example: 'Well I don't have to do the dishes because I pay for everything blah blah blah.' If you are holding that kind of thing over someone's head it will of course have an impact on your relationship.

This would be true of your friendships as well. Those who have a friend that makes less shouldn't be flaunting their wealth in front of them. It is just common courtesy.

These things have the amount of impact you let them have. Obviously if someone isn't working at all and not contributing in any way that would be a problem. Contributions can be made in the household by maintaining it or by working and providing monetary support. Keeping score is not a way to maintain a healthy relationship so sometimes someone may be providing less than the other. Later in life that dynamic could change and the other might provide more. It is all a compromise of what you expect from each other.

As long as you love and support each other in whatever you are working towards, I don't see this making huge waves in a relationship. Mutual respect goes a long way in life.

laceybird · February 2014

FI and I are on equal grounds, I believe.

I went to college and earned an Associate's Degree (which is pretty useless around here) with a job in my field, but he's the one that "brings home the bacon", so to speak.

JennyColada · February 2014

@PolarBearFitz, it's interesting that you mention friendships. I have a bad habit of "friending down", and it kind of annoys Fi (many of my friends are unemployed or have been working years at entry level jobs, can't afford to do the things I enjoy, and don't share my interest in success or travel).

We recently had a big discussion about what kinds of people deserve my time and in how important it is to surround myself with people who help me (instead of who bring me down).

doeydo · February 2014

I am currently in college and when I graduate I will have more education than my FI. In general, I guess it makes sense that more women are going to post-secondary schools and not 'just' be SAHMs (I have absolutely nothing against people who choose to be SAHMs, I just mean that back in the day it was assumed that that was what you would do when you grow up). Perhaps since more women are going to college and university, it is harder for men to get into the schools that it was in the past (ie. if a school has enough room/staff/whatever for 100 students, they will take the best ones so if it used to be mostly men applying then it makes sense that a lot of the student population would be male whereas now it is kind of more even applicants so not as many men are being accepted).

KatWAG · February 2014

I have a friend who is regularly telling people who much money she makes, in a bragging way. And she does make a good salary but she is constantly whining about how "poor" her and H are, to people who make virtually no money. It is not make favorite quality of hers.

Jells2dot0 · February 2014

Our marriage will balance out with time. Right now, I think DH married down in that I do not have a MS and he makes a little more, even though we have the same job title. However, given our age difference, I will have equal education and salary by the time I'm his age. Plus, he's retiring in the next 5 years, so we'll have a huge income shift and I'll suddenly be the breadwinner! If you asked him, he'll tell you I married down because I'm so much younger

He's full of crap.

PolarBearFitz · February 2014

@jennycolada - it is definitely important to surround yourself with those who have drive and ambition. Similarly as important that they have the same interests as you. It's puts you in an environment where you can grow and compete in order to better yourself. Or so I hear...

ETA: Those with drive and ambition still may be less educated than you or make less than you. Still important to be aware of that.

JaniV123 · February 2014

I had never heard of this but i guess it doesnt matter to us. He wants to get a Masters and maybe even a PhD in something related to business, healthcare and psychology. He is the only one working atm as I am a full time student. I begin med school in July/August so in 4 years I will be an MD. In the future he wants to have his own HR company but our salaries will be varying dending on where we are and what we are doing. We dont care, he says. I will be his Sugar Mama jokingly

climbingsingle · February 2014

I don't know. I'm more educated, however, FI makes a lot more money than I do. I think we're marrying evenly. Equally?

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

Not that any of this matters to me, but

I am marrying up because FI has his PhD and makes more than I do. I have no desire to get a PhD in my field.

FI thinks he is marrying up because I'm hot ;-) That's what he calls me.

flyingfoxes · February 2014

I spent the prior 4 years with someone WAY below me (not saying that in a snotty way, but he made like $11/hour and had to have his mom(!) pay for his groceries and stuff so I always felt guilty when we had dates - and he was 42 years old). I have an MBA, but FI only has an associate's but he's been in the Army for 24 years so he makes 70% more than I do. He'll be working on his bachelor's starting in the fall, and retiring from the Army in 2017 so we'll have an income shift then. He'll get his retirement pay from the Army, but his ex-wife will get about 40% of that number so we may be on close to equal footing then - it just depends on his post-Army career.

I think we're on equal footing though because we have the same outlook on paying bills, saving towards future expenditures, etc.

Cokezerofreak · February 2014

I think we are equal, just because I have a Bachelor's and he joined the AF doesn't make him less educated. We are just educated in different things. As far as money goes, I make more than he does but that's because the military pays crap and the AF doesn't promote as easily in his career field. He'll get those benefits that other thread was talking about when we get married, though.

pittiemama14 · February 2014

My H is about to graduate with a bachelor's in electrical engineering, and is going to start his PhD program in the fall. He does not work.
I have a CDA (chilcare certification, I'm a preschool teacher), and no college, but I have been working to support us and pay for his school (partially, we do get some federal aid for that) for the past three years.
I am and will be the primary bread winner until he finishes his PhD. He will get a stipend when he starts his program in the fall, so I won't be the only one with a paycheck, but will still make more than him. When he finishes his PhD, I am planning on going back to school.

So.....which one of us is "marrying down"?

SammiNJonni · February 2014

As of right now I am more educated and make more. A year ago before FI went back to school he had a job where he was making twice as much as I do. Once we both finish our respective degrees we will be pretty equal but I may still be going to grad school in the future so we will see what happens then.

I was in a relationship once where I was dating down. The money difference did not bother me but the lack of drive to improve himself did.

princessleia22 · February 2014

I think each persons attitude toward it is more important than anything.

Technically, I would say I am marrying down (and I have had people point that out to me). I have a college degree, work in a highly respected career, and make pretty good money. FI was unemployed when we met with no college background. After failed job searches (and his desire to become a better person for me), he decided to go to college, which I support. So, now he's 40 years old, working full time at low paying job and getting work experience in a new industry while going to school. After he's done with school, there is potential for good pay in his industry, but I will probably always make more money than him. And he is in a blue collar industry, while I am white collar.

But, we are both okay with that. But we do still see ourselves as equal in the relationship, even if that's not the case financially. We have joint account and we don't pay attention to, or really even know, who's money is who's. I actually couldn't even tell you how much he actually made last month or what I made... I just know total of what was put into the account. It's not a competition... we are a team.

NYCBruin · February 2014

I suppose I'm "marrying down" (what a stupid term) because I have a JD and he "just" has a BA. I also make significantly more money than he does, but I also have a lot of student loan debt.

Honestly, I really don't care who makes more money or who is more educated. What I bring to the table in education and earning power, FI more than "makes up for" in other qualities that I certainly don't have.

Personally, I'm a big believer in balance in relationships and I think FI and I complement each other nicely (we are both "good" in areas where the other is "bad", except for directions, we are both terrible with directions).

sarahufl · February 2014

We are both equally educated- Masters Degrees from highly regarded schools. The difference is that mine is in education, his is in engineering. His bonus last year was my salary.

So, equal education. VERY unequal salaries. Doesn't bother either of us.

PolarBearFitz · February 2014

My FI is hotter than I am so I think in reality I am marrying way up

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

sarahufl said:

We are both equally educated- Masters Degrees from highly regarded schools. The difference is that mine is in education, his is in engineering. His bonus last year was my salary.

So, equal education. VERY unequal salaries. Doesn't bother either of us.

What kind of engineer? I always think that if I could go back in time and not suck at math I should have become an engineer. . . they seem to have cool jobs!

WildMagelet · February 2014

I have a higher education but FI has always made more money than me.

I don't care, he doesn't care - we're all good

sarahufl · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

sarahufl said:

We are both equally educated- Masters Degrees from highly regarded schools. The difference is that mine is in education, his is in engineering. His bonus last year was my salary.

So, equal education. VERY unequal salaries. Doesn't bother either of us.

What kind of engineer? I always think that if I could go back in time and not suck at math I should have become an engineer. . . they seem to have cool jobs!

Software. He works for a.....very well know internet company. But he builds data storage systems, which I cannot even pretend to understand.

princessleia22 · February 2014

shrekspeare said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

sarahufl said:

We are both equally educated- Masters Degrees from highly regarded schools. The difference is that mine is in education, his is in engineering. His bonus last year was my salary.

So, equal education. VERY unequal salaries. Doesn't bother either of us.

What kind of engineer? I always think that if I could go back in time and not suck at math I should have become an engineer. . . they seem to have cool jobs!

My degree is Mechanical Engineering and I am ridiculously bad at math. Like, laughably bad. Example, I once asked my brother if 1/4 or 1/3 was bigger at like, 20 years old. It's not a super easy set of math classes, but it definitely got easier when we started applying it in a physics aspect versus, 'go do twelve pages of problems that don't relate to anything.'

I'm an Architect with a background in structural engineering. I agree that the practical "real world" math required is SO MUCH easier than the crap they shove down your throat in school. My FI is training to be an electrician (currently in an apprenticeship program) and struggled with the required algebra classes, but has no problem whatsoever doing math needed on the job.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

sarahufl said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

sarahufl said:

We are both equally educated- Masters Degrees from highly regarded schools. The difference is that mine is in education, his is in engineering. His bonus last year was my salary.

So, equal education. VERY unequal salaries. Doesn't bother either of us.

What kind of engineer? I always think that if I could go back in time and not suck at math I should have become an engineer. . . they seem to have cool jobs!

Software. He works for a.....very well know internet company. But he builds data storage systems, which I cannot even pretend to understand.

Hmm, is it teh Google?

I worked with SE's and ME's at a biotech company once. . . they were both fun groups of people, but the SE's were nuts!

Someone in their group went on vacation for 3 days and when he got back he found his cube was filled to the top with packing peanuts. The department got in some shit for that one, lol.

Another one of the guys used to crack software while he was compiling code for the software he was working on for the company.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

shrekspeare said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

sarahufl said:

We are both equally educated- Masters Degrees from highly regarded schools. The difference is that mine is in education, his is in engineering. His bonus last year was my salary.

So, equal education. VERY unequal salaries. Doesn't bother either of us.

What kind of engineer? I always think that if I could go back in time and not suck at math I should have become an engineer. . . they seem to have cool jobs!

My degree is Mechanical Engineering and I am ridiculously bad at math. Like, laughably bad. Example, I once asked my brother if 1/4 or 1/3 was bigger at like, 20 years old. It's not a super easy set of math classes, but it definitely got easier when we started applying it in a physics aspect versus, 'go do twelve pages of problems that don't relate to anything.'

OMG please! Tell me about it!

Take Calc 1 and Calc 2 and some other shit that you will never, ever need on a daily basis as a molecular biologist ><

It's all about the serial dilutions.

sarahufl · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

sarahufl said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

sarahufl said:

We are both equally educated- Masters Degrees from highly regarded schools. The difference is that mine is in education, his is in engineering. His bonus last year was my salary.

So, equal education. VERY unequal salaries. Doesn't bother either of us.

What kind of engineer? I always think that if I could go back in time and not suck at math I should have become an engineer. . . they seem to have cool jobs!

Software. He works for a.....very well know internet company. But he builds data storage systems, which I cannot even pretend to understand.

Hmm, is it teh Google?

I worked with SE's and ME's at a biotech company once. . . they were both fun groups of people, but the SE's were nuts!

Someone in their group went on vacation for 3 days and when he got back he found his cube was filled to the top with packing peanuts. The department got in some shit for that one, lol.

Another one of the guys used to crack software while he was compiling code for the software he was working on for the company.

His Bachelor's degree is in ME, Master's in Computer Engineering. Yeah, he works for Google and yes, SEs are a little.....strange. We met through friends and our mutual friend touted FI as "the most social nerd she knows". Which is accurate. Not all engineers can hang.....

HaileyDancingbear · February 2014

FI will definitely be marrying down with me. I suck at school. Never did well in high school, didn't do too well in my year of art school. I'm not a horrible artist (I feel the need to post a pic of my work to show this, sorry if it comes across as AW, just usually when I say I didn't do well in art school people assume it's because my work is crap) It's just that I get very focused on the IDEA, rather than the details, like the requirements of the assignment or the due date… For instance I could go on for ages about a painting and what choices the artist made in composition/technique that made it successful, but I will not for the life of me ever remember the date or name of the artist. Didn't do too well in art history.

So more college isn't happening, although it looks like I'll be going from hourly worker to business partner in the family business I'm working at, so that's exciting, I have a lot of ideas to improve the business and get more clients.

FI however is doing information and library sciences with a minor in chinese, and is doing great. He'll end up in the field of research, far more educated than I am. Being able to speak Chinese will also be extremely useful in this field. I don't know how he does it, I can't learn a language for shit. It just looks like squiggles to me, granted very pretty squiggles that look lovely on a page. I wish English was that pretty to look at!

Now the art I promised- Here's a sculpture I did of a live model:

And a drawing I did for shits and giggles

firebabe6519 · February 2014

I feel like we are equals. We each have our own strengths. FI has two years of college, and I completed 3 B.S. degrees. We are on equal grounds between national and state licenses. Income wise, I'm currently the big fish. But FI and I are usually equal there. His 2nd job (masonry and construction) takes a nose dive in the winter months until April or so.

Cookie Pusher · February 2014

FI and I are equal education-wise (he has a BS, I have a BA), but because his degree is in electrical engineering, he'll make significantly more money than I do pretty much forever. However, he can't manage his money as well as I manage mine, so we end up with pretty much the same amount of money at the end of the month (this will change when we get married and *I* hold the checkbook).

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