More women are "marrying down"

singinchick13 · February 2014

I don't think it really matters much for us. I have a Bachelor's degree and he has high school, and one year of college. When we started dating and moved in together I was making more money, but I'm on maternity now so he brings in more. When I go back to work I will likely make more to begin with but within three or four years he has the potential to earn a lot more should he pursue a specific aspect of his trade. If this works out for him I would love to just stay home and have baby #2, until they are both in full-time school, at least. Our family is what is most important to us so, as long as the bills are paid and everyone is happy, it doesn't matter who brings in what.

chibiyui · February 2014

FI is marrying down for me. He makes way more then me, has more education, no debt, and comes from a "new money" family.

But if you ask him, he'd say he's marrying up because I'm pretty and wonderful and cosplay at Otakon with him.

We're equals in our relationship.

Jells2dot0 · February 2014

We're also an engineering couple! My DH has a BS and MS in electrical engineering, but he actually practices as a software technical manager. I do not have a MS, but I have a background in Systems Engineering and am also an engineering manager. We work in the aerospace industry.

bethsmiles · February 2014

Right now I'm more educated than my SO. I'll be getting my masters in the Spring but both of us are planning on getting PhDs (he'll probably end up getting his before me!). I don't think either of us will be marrying down

CLoGreenEyes · February 2014

I just couldn't care less about whether I marry someone who is "equal" to me in terms of education. I'm friends with people who have a variety of backgrounds, degrees, and experiences. The thing they all have in common is the ability to work hard, improve themselves, and commit to the career they find most rewarding and meaningful. That, to me, is much more important than finding someone who is merely "well educated" or makes a lot of money.

Blergbot · February 2014

FI has a PhD and I am almost done with my 2nd Master's and am considering a PhD, but not right away. We are in extremely different fields, and FI's is much more lucrative. He will most likely always be the bread winner. We're both highly educated people, though, so I feel like in that respect we're equals.

pinkcow13 · February 2014

I would say we're equal. We went to college together - FI has a BS in Computer Science and I have a BA in Psychology. We hold down very good jobs, but FI makes more than I do. I am currently going back to school for an MBA, while FI has no interest in higher education. I think we have different interests and types of intelligence, so I don't think either of us will be marrying down. FI never holds it over my head that he makes more money, as I don't hold the fact that I am pursuing higher education over his head. We're def equals in my book.

HaileyDancingbear - You are definitely talented! Your work is really good. My drawings look like that of a 7 year old!

LadyMillil · February 2014

I guess I'm marrying down, but I don't feel that way. I have an MSc and am working on my PhD, and FI has a BA. He wants to go back to school for an MA, but he has no desire for a PhD, and it wouldn't have any benefit to him career-wise. He's made more money than me for our entire relationship, but I'll likely be making more than him within the next 10 years. We have a lot of possibilities for the future, and one of those involves him being a student and me being an instructor at the same university. As long as you have common interests and are compatible I don't think education differences matter.

KytchynWitche · February 2014

I don't think either of us are marrying down. I didn't go to university because I couldn't afford it. I got a legal secretarial diploma, and went a different path. I'm successful in my own way. FI went to university but didn't finish because of his kidney. It's taken him a while to find his stride since the transplant, but he is successful in his own way now too. Maybe he earns a bit more than I do, but so what?

We enjoy the same things, we have similar backgrounds, and we have similar goals. We want the same things out of life, and we love each other. Isn't that what matters?

SBmini · February 2014

I'm marrying down. I have more schooling and make quite a bit more money than my fiance. When we started dating he was in college and I was still in high school, so it isn't like it was always that way. A combination of bad decisions on his part and an overcrowded state school lead us to the place we are. His biggest mistake was deciding to go into accounting because his parents pushed him to instead of computer programming, like he wanted to.

I know it bothers him that he's not the "provider" that he wants to be and he's working hard to improve his position. The only thing that really bothers me is that I want to stay home with the kids at least until they start preschool, but it doesn't make sense when I make more money. I'm actively working to position myself in a way where I can freelance after kids so I can still have that without hurting our financial bottom line too much.

At the end of the day though, I didn't fall in love with a paycheck. So yeah, I wish we made more, but it's not a deal breaker in the slightest.

thejucheidea · February 2014

I technically married down because I have an associate's degree in nursing and the vast majority of a bachelor's in East Asian studies, but he only went to college for one semester. We almost make the same amount of money, however, because nurses get paid shit.

rajahmd · February 2014

I sorta married down. Or will eventually.

Right now I'm in medical school. I'll graduate with my MD in May (ahhh!). At that point, I'll have more education than DH (MD plus bachelors compared to his two associates). But until I finish residency in 4 years, he'll still be making more money than me (yay for IT). Even when I'm in fellowship, we'll probably still be about the same in terms of salary. I won't start making a ton more until I finish fellowship. At that point, we're contemplating him becoming a SAD and maybe running a IT business out of the house.

So while I have more education, we both currently provide for the household and will continue to do so in the future (albeit in different ways), so I don't really see it as an up/down kinda thing- I think of us as equals.

thisismynickname2 · February 2014

I think there's a very big difference between recognizing that a disparity in education and salary exists between couples, and saying it out loud.

Case in point, I know a woman who's getting married this summer. She has a masters degree and a good middle-class career, and her fiance has an associate degree and is working in a low-paying field.

She TOLD HIM she could DO BETTER!

So, who wants to take bets on how long that marriage will last?

FiancB · February 2014

Well, duh. A lot more women have higher degrees these days. Women are much more likely to be doctors, lawyers, etc than in years past.

FI has a master's and I'll have 2 bachelor's, is that equal? Ha. Right now I make next to nothing but once I'm done we'll make the same amount. Eventually I'll probably get a master's, and he's talked about getting a PhD and heck maybe I will too.

NYCBruin · February 2014

thisismynickname said:

I think there's a very big difference between recognizing that a disparity in education and salary exists between couples, and saying it out loud.

Case in point, I know a woman who's getting married this summer. She has a masters degree and a good middle-class career, and her fiance has an associate degree and is working in a low-paying field.

She TOLD HIM she could DO BETTER!

So, who wants to take bets on how long that marriage will last?

Why on earth would someone marry someone they thought they could "do better" than??? I mean, aside from that just being an awful thing to say/think, I just don't get it!

bananasplit472001 · March 2014

If you look at your relationship as marrying down or up, than I think there may be more serious issues at hand. Why would anyone think they are superior to their spouse because they make more money or have an advanced degree? It probably would be insulting and hurt a SO self-esteem if they were considered of a lower standing than their husband or wife. I'm actually surprised that so many people think that their SO is marrying down or they are marrying down. If you love someone and they treat you well what does it matter if they have a high school diploma and make little money? As long as they work hard to succeed at their job and take pride in their work, whose to say that someone working in retail is any better than a doctor or lawyer?

HaileyDancingbear · March 2014

dianammobilio said:

If you look at your relationship as marrying down or up, than I think there may be more serious issues at hand. Why would anyone think they are superior to their spouse because they make more money or have an advanced degree? It probably would be insulting and hurt a SO self-esteem if they were considered of a lower standing than their husband or wife. I'm actually surprised that so many people think that their SO is marrying down or they are marrying down. If you love someone and they treat you well what does it matter if they have a high school diploma and make little money? As long as they work hard to succeed at their job and take pride in their work, whose to say that someone working in retail is any better than a doctor or lawyer?

This is a bit of an old thread :P and I think you're missing the point- nobody on here is claiming they are better or their FI is better, they're simply saying who has more education/makes more money, to say if they fit the trend in the article or go against it- saying "FI makes more money/has more education" is NOT the same as saying "FI is better than me-" The first is a fact, and has been said in this thread, the second is an opinion and has not been said in this thread.

"Marrying down," in the context of this thread and article, just means marrying someone with less education or who makes less money, it doesn't mean ANYTHING in terms of one being a better person than the other.

pumpkinsandturkeys · March 2014

thisismynickname said:

I think there's a very big difference between recognizing that a disparity in education and salary exists between couples, and saying it out loud.

Case in point, I know a woman who's getting married this summer. She has a masters degree and a good middle-class career, and her fiance has an associate degree and is working in a low-paying field.

She TOLD HIM she could DO BETTER!

So, who wants to take bets on how long that marriage will last?

I'm reminded of the HIMYM episode where one person is the 'settler' and the other is the 'reacher'. FI and I like to joke over which of us is which.

abbyj700 · March 2014

The people repeating the words "marrying down" make me want to cry. I know it's not peoples intent by repeating this stupid phrasing - but you should never think someone "married down" to be with you or you married down because you make more money.

I'm college educated. My FI is not. I make about 7X more than he does. If I ever used the words "married down" - I'd expect him to slap me silly. Shame on this article for using such a term.

Yes - women are going to college more, making more money, and aren't as worried about finding their "provider types" anymore - but that's a great thing - so I think the terminology used is taking away from that.

JCbride2015 · March 2014

pumpkinsandturkeys said:

thisismynickname said:

I think there's a very big difference between recognizing that a disparity in education and salary exists between couples, and saying it out loud.

Case in point, I know a woman who's getting married this summer. She has a masters degree and a good middle-class career, and her fiance has an associate degree and is working in a low-paying field.

She TOLD HIM she could DO BETTER!

So, who wants to take bets on how long that marriage will last?

I'm reminded of the HIMYM episode where one person is the 'settler' and the other is the 'reacher'. FI and I like to joke over which of us is which.

That was such a funny episode and of course hits a real bone. I think the key is that each of you needs to feel like the "reacher" for the other person-- for whatever reason, you should be so excited this person wants to be with you. You BOTH need to feel like that.

I have posted about this topic on other threads: I will soon be the main breadwinner in our relationship. But right now, Fi is absorbing a lot of our household costs while I'm in law school. We're equal partners, no matter who makes more money or who stays home with the hypothetical future children.

This is one reason I'm always a little confused when brides post on here about how much they are paying for the wedding vs. how much Fi is paying. Isn't everything going to be combined anyway once you're married, if not before? I guess technically "I'm" paying for most of our wedding, because once I start working, my salary means we have that much extra in the budget. But we just look at it as *our* budget.

emmaaa · March 2014

I look at marriage as two individuals being equals. I hate that there are articles out there like this that dictate whether someone is marrying down or not. I have a BS and full time job, FI just went back to school, works part time currently, and will have an Associate's. He will work in turf grass management, which is manual labor, and I work in parks and recreation and event planning. Once he gets a full time job, he will make more than me even though I have more education. However, I feel like we are on an equal playing field because we both can talk and have intelligent conversations. To me, money is a non-factor in choosing whom I marry, as long as they are hard working and contribute.

Jells2dot0 · March 2014

dianammobilio said:

If you look at your relationship as marrying down or up, than I think there may be more serious issues at hand. Why would anyone think they are superior to their spouse because they make more money or have an advanced degree? It probably would be insulting and hurt a SO self-esteem if they were considered of a lower standing than their husband or wife. I'm actually surprised that so many people think that their SO is marrying down or they are marrying down. If you love someone and they treat you well what does it matter if they have a high school diploma and make little money? As long as they work hard to succeed at their job and take pride in their work, whose to say that someone working in retail is any better than a doctor or lawyer?

I definitely DO NOT think I married down. I can only speak for myself, but I'm sure most of us on here were just thinking in terms of the article. I am beyond thrilled that I found someone who I consider to be my equal, though we each have different things we bring to the table.

kgd7357 · March 2014

Not marrying too far up or down was actually somewhat important to me. He is a pharmacist (PharmD) and I am an engineer (Master's Level), and we make pretty similar money and always will. It's really nice to come in as equal partners. I also really like that we do totally different things. I'm not going to lie, it would bother me if I really out earned my FI.

More women are "marrying down"

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